Topic: Falling out with friends

[Billy The Kid]

Without going into too much detail, it's now been 3 years since me and my best friend have been in each other's company. While we haven't completely ceased all communication (we still exchange the odd text) it's pretty unlikely things will ever go back to the way they once were. Hanging out, daily texts, random phone calls, sharing worries, asking each other's advice, offering one another support, and general all-round being there for each other, has all stopped

I have my perspective on the circumstances that led to this, and no doubt he has his. As they say, there's always 2 sides to every story, which I fully respect and understand. Unfortunately, as is often the case in these types of situations, our respective spouses have also played central roles in the impasse, which has drastically reduced the chances of a truce ever being agreed

Without wanting to claim any moral high ground, I've done my best to extend the olive branch, and have even been prepared to accept being in the wrong when I was provably & verifiably in the right. At the end of the day, we've been best friends for 20+ years. To me, it shouldn't be a case of who's right and who's wrong. It should be about seeing things from each other's perspective, understanding where each party was coming from, and acknowledging that no one is perfect. At the end of the day, life is too fucking short!

Alas, here I am, holding back from saying what I really feel, in the hopes of giving peace a chance. Just wondering if any of you have gone the other way? And told former best friends to fuck off for the good of your own health and peace of mind? Friendships can be weird ones, can't they? Particularly when you thought you knew someone 
 

[Crosby Nick]

Happened to me with a school mate a few years back. I guess we’d seen a bit less of each other but from my side a lot of that was down to circumstance. Money, family, work, distance, all made things a bit different to how they were before. But then again we were late 30s, not school/student/early 20s age. He had the proverbial mid life crisis. He snapped one night, bizarrely over England football and my attitude! Called me a c*nt, went off on a massive rant and deleted all chats, contacts etc.

I thought it would blow over. To be honest he probably did too. And then I just thought I couldn’t t be arsed with extra stress in my life. We still haven’t spoken since and I guess now we probably won’t again. It’s sad but we’ve both moved on. He wasn’t a best mate so to speak so different to your situation but still felt very weird for quite a while.

Someone else said to me we’re not always meant to have friends for life. People change and circumstances change. New people come into your life.

[Billy The Kid]

Someone else said to me we’re not always meant to have friends for life. People change and circumstances change. New people come into your life.

Yeah, I've heard that before, and have always been open to meeting new people and having new experiences. As they say, variety is the spice of life

Then again, as humans, I think certain experiences can also radically alter the way we see the world and the people we share it with

If there's one thing I have learned though, it's that thinking you know someone can be dangerously assumptive, regardless of how long you know them or how close you've been to them

[Andy @ Allerton!]

I've had loads of friends and acquaintances over the years. Not so much the ones I knew as a kid about 40 years or more ago.. I'm still kind of friends with some of them and I might meet them for a pint randomly over the years, but they have changed from friends to acquaintances.

I have some friends I have known for 30 odd years and some that have fallen out of touch. People move on. You change. They change. People move away, have kids, move abroad or just don't really get on with you any more.

It's no big deal. If people move on then people move on. Part of life's rich tapestry   There is nothing wrong with not being friends any more. I'd be more worried about someone that had the exact same set of mates they had as a kid. That's kind of weird.

[Alf]

Got a mate of mine who’s really pissed me off during the last 2.5 years. Being generally annoying just before the second lockdown & trying to force my hand to go out. With my Dad being a vulnerable person & my Sister being 8 months into a complicated pregnancy at the time.

Bumped into him when I was out walking with my niece a month later & he completely blanked me. I let that go & we did go out a few times in 2021 & had a laugh. But I had Covid at Christmas so wasn’t out & about again until February last year for his Birthday. Other than that, 4 straight times we’d gone out for a bevy & he was constantly on the wind up & a serial time waster.

Have given him the cold shoulder this year & don’t miss him. Been getting pressure from another mate to speak to him again but happy as I am for now.

[damomad]

Very timely topic for me personally. I've had a friend of +20 years, hardly shared a text message in the years since COVID. The longer you leave it the harder it gets. We have drifted away and on my part it has been intentional. He's doing the same things at the weekends we did 10 years ago, while I couldn't think of anything worse. I don't like speaking ill of him because I still love him but towards the end it was draining spending time with him, and I almost dreaded it because I knew it would take it out of me and I was doing it out of obligation. It's bad enough having that feeling with some relatives nevermind old friendships.

In the grand scheme, I feel it's just part of life, moving on and growing up. My folks used to send Christmas cards once a year to their old school friends until they stopped. I think a gesture once a year to let them know you still care about them (without worrying whether it goes the other way or not) is a good thing. Leave the door slightly ajar for them. In between times, you might get pangs of regret when you think of them but continue to focus on the friendships that bring you joy as they are more likely to support you in the near future.

[ToneLa]

. Hanging out, daily texts, random phone calls, sharing worries, asking each other's advice, offering one another support, and general all-round being there for each other, has all stopped

Have ended many a friendship when it turns fake and unbalanced - balance is the key to sustaining a personal relationship of any kind

Just isolating this though

I only have this sort of relationship with my partner and expect it is the same for many others. That is a really close expectation

Are you open to the friendship changing to something slower paced?

My oldest friend technically I don't speak to for weeks at a time but when we meet it's all beers and curries

3 years is a long time though.

If it is actually negatively affecting your peace of mind you would be far better to bring this up to them - if they act like a dick then you ain't friends. You could also get closure.

The relationship might have changed which is okay and you should roll with the changes

Or it is over in which case you are best moving on - though check I reckon

The only person who can really answer you is your friend

[red_Mark1980]

One lad at uni I'd just had enough of. Without saying too much he was a lying, stealing scum bag. A lot of the other lads are still in contact, but I got to the point I'd had enough. He doesn't live in the UK now, but when he's back over I univite myself to a night out.

A group of ex work colleagues act like little bellends over Liverpool (the city).

I worked in Manchester so one of them is a Manc and a city fan, another pretends to be a man u fan but is from Blackpool.

The missus and I moved to Birmingham during lockdown, within twelve months I'd had my wallet picked up from my front door and used and she'd had her bike stolen from the hospital where she worked. I was pointing out id had no issues in Liverpool for over twenty years and immediately it's all the chance to have a go at Liverpool. So I left the group, what's disappointing to me is that there's about 10 or so of us in the group and not a single one of the others have reached out to offer an olive branch or talk to me. It's been over a year.

I know if the roles were reversed I'd have done something. If only to say "I get it, but if you want to meet for a pint or a chat then give me a shout".

These are all fellas who are older than me and on a bucket full of money. Tells me everything about how they see me.

I've got a really tight knit group of lads from uni (and extensions of that) and that's fine by me. Started to realise there's little point being mates with someone who's more work than they are use.

I guess in your case, do you miss him? I miss some of those ex work colleagues but it's clear to me I'm not that important.

[I've been a good boy]

Lost so many friends over the years I've lost count. Can honestly say I don't have one genuine good friend anymore, they all turned out to have some massive flaws. Really wish I could have realised what utter dickheads they were but I only used to hang around with them as I had no-one else and of course having no friends is a bad look. But now I honestly don't care, rather be alone than be with fake people who only come to you when it suits.

It does hurt though, whenever I'm out and about and I see a group of lads joking around and having a good time. Never really had that in my life as I've always been in three separate friends groups and most of them were extremely unsociable and not up for anything. One of them had a 9.30pm curfew ffs. I guess as you get older and mature, you see through people and get the strength to leave them to it.

[Billy The Kid]

If it is actually negatively affecting your peace of mind you would be far better to bring this up to them - if they act like a dick then you ain't friends. You could also get closure.

Yeah, I'd be lying if I said it doesn't bother me. Thankfully it's not something that completely consumes my thoughts, but it does pop into my head on occasion. See it's weird, because my head is telling me to give it to him with both barrels, unleash some harsh truths, pull him up on some of his previous shitty behaviour, and tell him what I really think of the c*nt he's married to. But my heart wont let me do it. My heart is telling me to airbrush it from history, forget it all happened, and sit tight in the hope that one day things will find a way to right themselves. It's a strange one

   

[red_Mark1980]

Yeah, I'd be lying if I said it doesn't bother me. Thankfully it's not something that completely consumes my thoughts, but it does pop into my head on occasion. See it's weird, because my head is telling me to give it to him with both barrels, unleash some harsh truths, pull him up on some of his previous shitty behaviour, and tell him what I really think of the c*nt he's married to. But my heart wont let me do it. My heart is telling me to airbrush it from history, forget it all happened, and sit tight in the hope that one day things will find a way to right themselves. It's a strange one

   

Tricky, but you'll invariably not win that one. But that implies something that you'd not previously shared in that his wife (presumably) is part of that problem.

Coming between a friend and their partner is very risky.. I have a very good friend who's made some questionable choices in that arena, and it's a fine line to walk on looking out for them and being seen as the problem.

What are you gaining from pulling him up? If he's not in your life as much and that behaviour is no longer having an impact, you're only doing that for your benefit and without being sarcastic about it, do you think you are able to change his behaviour?

I'd argue he needs to come to that realisation and change himself, possibly by seeing a therapist. My alleged mate I mentioned who's a thieving, lying little toerag may have changed positively now and be a well adjusted human being. I personally cannot forgive what happened and made the realisation I don't need to concern myself anymore.

[AlphaDelta]

Let me give you another aspect to this which might help.

I was friends for many years with a group of coppers as I was godfather to my mates little girl and these were all his colleagues. I naturally gravitated to two in particular and we became really good mates for years. They had their flaws, but I tended to overlook them, and no doubt I've got my own flaws.

I fell out with them in 2019, not long after my mum died. I had just taken on the house, was skint through paying for everything and grieving still. We were sat in a pub and half drunk they agreed to go to France for a weekend where one of the lads had a villa. Before I knew it one of them had gone on his phone and booked plane tickets. After a couple of weeks I figured I couldn't afford it and pulled out. They went berserk and saw it as an insult so we fell out.

I even came on here for advice because I genuinely missed the pair of them, especially my mate Willo who was a massive red and someone I spoke to most days. The problem was, he was a stubborn man, once he fell out with some he crossed them out of his life.
I reached out an olive branch a couple of times and nothing came back.

One day last year I got a text off another copper mate who said 'isn't it sad about Willo', turned out he'd died of bowel cancer. I was absolutely gutted.
I made peace with the other guy, went to his funeral, I even spoke to his lovely wife who told me, "don't take it to heart, he was a very stubborn man".

Do I think I could have done more to make peace? Who knows.

[amir87]

Move on Billy. Focus on on those that matter. People like family, friends, and the people with their name on your custom title... Those kind of people.

[AndyInVA]

I had a friend I’ve known 15 years who had been a huge help to me at times when I needed help. Invited me to dinner on things like Thanksgiving when I was single and we had lunch at least once a month. He hated the woman I married three years ago and that was that. He expected me to be divorced within a year. We had lunch a couple of times but it was never the same. He’s left town and I don’t expect to hear from him again. It’s really sad as I don’t have many real friends.
I just feel as adults there is nothing I can do. We all make our choices and it’s hard to tell another adult how to feel.  I’ve moved on.
Probably best for you too Billy. Send a few texts and a Christmas card and if nothing comes back then decide if you want to keep the effort up. It’s sad to lose real friends but ultimately not much you can do.