Topic: Jokes so bad they're punny

[Crosby Nick]

What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite kind of coordination?

HAAAAAAAND EYEEEEEIIIII

I hate myself.

[farawayred]

I hate myself.

x2

[24/7]

I hate myself.

Even my better half had a giggle at that one....

[Fitzy.]

What’s the only thing better that Ted Danson?

Ted singin and danson.

*snorts*

[sinnermichael]

Some Russian guy has found a cure for the common cold.

Benylin Forchestikov.

[Tesco tearaway]

What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite kind of coordination?

HAAAAAAAND EYEEEEEIIIII

What’s the only thing better that Ted Danson?

Ted singin and danson.

 

[bradders1011]

My customers were shocked when they saw how bad an electrician I was.

[Ziltoid]

This popped up on my timeline and i'm sure it'll be from here

I saw a man in the supermarket earlier who reminded me of Michael Jackson....

He came up to me and said ‘don’t forget about Michael Jackson'

[Groundskeeper Willie]

Vincent Price was taller than Katie Price and heavier than Alan Price.


It's brilliant what you can find out on those Price comparison websites.....

GTFOOH

[Groundskeeper Willie]

This popped up on my timeline and i'm sure it'll be from here

I saw a man in the supermarket earlier who reminded me of Michael Jackson....

He came up to me and said ‘don’t forget about Michael Jackson'

[BarryCrocker]

Kids joke.

What do you get when you cross a millipede with a chicken?

Drumsticks for everyone.

[McrRed]

Some Russian guy has found a cure for the common cold.

Benylin Forchestikov.

Stole it from the real inventor Ivan Nastichestikov.

[sinnermichael]

I was having a meal with World Chess champion Garry Kasparov. It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.

[Wigwamdelbert]

I was having a meal with World Chess champion Garry Kasparov. It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.

Then he said "here you go. Mate".

[ToneLa]

Then he said "here you go. Mate".

At least he didn't have to pay, as Garry called out "Cheque!"

[24/7]

I once played chess with a friend of mine who turned out to have a bit of a fetish for it.

We couldn't finish a game without him choking his bishop.

[sinnermichael]

"Open Mike Night" sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I'd been invited to an autopsy.

[CHOPPER]

Having a quiet pint in the local last week and the barman asks me have I got any pets. I tell him yes, I've got a parrot.
Does it speak he asks, I tell him yes, but even better than that, it sings.
He asks me what does it sing? I tell him that every time Liverpool Football Club win a football match, it sings all the versus of You'll Never Walk Alone.
He looks shocked and then asks me well what does it sing when we lose?
I told him I don't know, I've only had it a year.

[24/7]

Having a quiet pint in the local last week and the barman asks me have I got any pets. I tell him yes, I've got a parrot.
Does it speak he asks, I tell him yes, but even better than that, it sings.
He asks me what does it sing? I tell him that every time Liverpool Football Club win a football match, it sings all the versus of You'll Never Walk Alone.
He looks shocked and then asks me well what does it sing when we lose?
I told him I don't know, I've only had it a year.

[TepidT2O]

This made me laugh ... it’s a real quote too

[sinnermichael]

Saw an RAC man in tears whilst driving his recovery vehicle today. I thought "he’s heading for a breakdown".

[AlphaDelta]

The zookeeper says to Paddy, "would you consider having sex with this gorilla for £5000?"

Paddy scratches his chin for a few minutes, finally he says, "well ok, but on three conditions"

"Go ahead", says the zookeeper....

"Number one, I dont have to kiss it, number two, my family dont get to hear about this and number three, you'll have to give me a bit of time to get the £5000 together!" 

[Andy @ Allerton!]

Saw an RAC man in tears whilst driving his recovery vehicle today. I thought "he’s heading for a breakdown".

[Only Me]

The other night, for absolutely no reason, Mrs Only Me screamed at me at the top of her voice: “You NEVER listen to a word I say, you IGNORANT TWAT!!!!

Is it just me, or is that a fucking weird way to start a conversation?

[Only Me]

The other day I was in L1 and I saw two masked men run in and hold up the Apple Store.

The police interviewed me as an iWitness.

[Groundskeeper Willie]

I played chess with Kasparov, he had really nice pieces. I asked where he bought them. "The pawn shop" he said.

I was having dinner with Kasparov. When we finished, he called the waiter "Check, mate" he said.

Turns out Kasparov is religious. He believes in Chessus Christ.

Had dinner with Kasparov. He ordered a skewer. (That's for you chess aficionados)


Kasparov's favourite candy are skittles. (Another aficionado joke)

[Groundskeeper Willie]

Close thread, I win.

[Elmo!]

[24/7]

[reopen thread]


What are our former star midfielder McAllister's favourite biscuits?

Garibaldi.

[reclose thread, raise middle finger to Groundskeeper Willie]

[Tesco tearaway]

I played chess with Kasparov, he had really nice pieces. I asked where he bought them. "The pawn shop" he said.

I was having dinner with Kasparov. When we finished, he called the waiter "Check, mate" he said.

Turns out Kasparov is religious. He believes in Chessus Christ.

Had dinner with Kasparov. He ordered a skewer. (That's for you chess aficionados)


Kasparov's favourite candy are skittles. (Another aficionado joke)

My wife and I were playing chess last night.
She said to me, with a twinkle in her eye... "Do you want to make this more interesting?"
I said "Oh yes!"
So we stopped playing chess and watched the telly instead.

[CHOPPER]

Just hired a limousine for the weekend.  Paid £500, turns out I just get the car and no driver.

All that money and nothing to chauffeur it.

[dudleyred]

Just hired a limousine for the weekend.  Paid £500, turns out I just get the car and no driver.

All that money and nothing to chauffeur it.

Winner

Close the thread

[liverbloke]

Young polar bear sitting on the ice talking to his dad.

"Dad, am I a polar bear?"

"Of course you are, son. You have white fur so you can blend in with the snow and catch animals without them seeing you. Of course you are a polar bear."

"but Dad, are you sure I'm a polar bear?"

"Yes, son. You have a big black nose for sniffing out food. Your nose means that you can smell things miles away and under the ice. Of course you are a polar bear."

"Oh Dad, are you definitely definitely sure I'm a polar bear?"

"Yes, son. Look at your big sharp claws for breaking through the hard ice and digging out food - and they help you swim in the icy cold waters. Of course you are a polar bear."

The dad looks at his son and says

"Why do you keep asking me, son?"

and the son replies

"Because I AM FUCKING FREEZING!"

[liverbloke]

A little lad runs to his mum holding his arm

"Mum, mum, a wasp has just stung me!"

Mum "Quick, put some cream on it!"

Little lad

"But it'll be miles away by now!"

[liverbloke]

A man walks into an office one night and says to a guy sitting behind the desk

"Can you help me?"

Man behind desk "Sure, how can I help?"

Man "I think I'm a moth"

Man behind desk "Oh, I see, but this is a solicitors office and I am not a doctor"

Man "Sorry, I was just passing outside when I saw your light on"

[bradders1011]

Since the wife left me I've been living the bachelor lifestyle.

Soup for tea every night.

[Phil M]

Just hired a limousine for the weekend.  Paid £500, turns out I just get the car and no driver.

All that money and nothing to chauffeur it.

 

[Fitzy.]

Thesauruses are great - there's no other word for it!

[liverbloke]

What's the difference between your wife and your job?

After 10 years your job still sucks

[mickl]

Quality.