Nice one for going years without a drink. I'm sure there's been plenty of temptation along the way.
Thanks Peabee. You know, people say that to me all the time. There seems to be a perception around sobriety where alcoholics are always battling temptation. Or that we're always "in recovery". In my experience, that turned out to not be the case at all. Obviously, in the early days, when I first started trying to get a handle on it, it felt like I was being tempted everywhere I turned. It also used to drive me mad when I'd sit in meetings listening to people talk about how they're 2 and 3 and 4 and 5+ years sober. I used to think "what the fuck is wrong with me? Why can't I just quit like they did?". I actually grew to hate the rooms for a while as I'd often leave feeling like some sort of intellectual degenerate fuck-up (more on that in a sec)
Thankfully I eventually found a sponsor who explained that AA (and recovery in general) is not about sitting in meetings exchanging war stories. He went to great lengths to explain that it's a program of recovery that requires steps to be "worked", and that if I wanted to be free of it then I'd better get going pronto. It was at that point I started "working" the program. When I did, I recover
ed. Not got into recovery". I recover
ed. Something which the literature promises will happen if you don't cut any corners, which I didn't
These days, thankfully, I don't feel any temptation anymore. Much like a war vet, I have no desire to get back in the trenches. My brain associates that with trauma now. You know I've often remarked in here that it wasn't willpower that was the difference between me and Carl. Nor am I any smarter than he was, or better equipped to deal with life than he was. In essence, me and him are/were pretty much 2 of a kind. The only reason I overcame the temptation (and ultimately survived) is I "worked" the program of recovery, which led me to being recover
edThat's kind of why my relationship with AA is a love/hate one. The Program saved me, where as the fellowship almost killed me. There have been times since when I've seen faces from my first AA group and I've felt like walking up to them and asking "how come none of you c*nts explained to me that I needed to prioritise step work? Why the fuck did you all sit back and watch me walk in all beat up week after week? Why didn't any of you explain how this program actually works instead of telling me your boring fucking sob stories?"
And so, it's not that AA "doesn't work". It's just that the fellowship side of it has gradually morphed into a therapy room for cry arses, when its actual purpose (as intended during the formation of AA) was/is to serve as a forum for newcomers to ask questions and get advice about the program ( i.e. the "work" ). Long winded reply I know, but the word temptation is one that seriously used to drive me around the bend, when the unfortunate truth is it need not have done had someone just explained recovery to me from the get go. You know?