Author Topic: Jokes so bad they're punny (Read 671965 times)

Les Willis · « **Reply #240 on:** August 10, 2016, 11:05:28 pm »

Quote from: porkyrawky on August 9, 2016, 05:56:42 pm

Guy walks up to me in a pub and called me a "c*nt". So I told him staight ...
"Listen pal that's f*cking fighting talk where I come from"
"So why aint you fighting you f*cking c*nt "
"Oh I've moved now you know".

Were you Chat Rifles in a previous life?

bigbonedrawky · « **Reply #241 on:** August 11, 2016, 12:08:02 am »

Quote from: Les Willis on August 10, 2016, 11:05:28 pm

Were you Chat Rifles in a previous life?

What you talking about Willis...

Steady Eddie · « **Reply #242 on:** August 11, 2016, 02:30:17 am »

Quote from: porkyrawky on August 11, 2016, 12:08:02 am

What you talking about Willis...

Apologies Porky, please finish your cider

BarryCrocker · « **Reply #243 on:** August 23, 2016, 12:20:50 pm »

"I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so I wasn’t much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer... came second.” - Will Duggan (2016 Fringe Festival)

BRdispatch05 · « **Reply #244 on:** August 23, 2016, 12:55:35 pm »

Quote from: Andy Hunter on August 9, 2016, 05:16:08 pm

Why did 6 get scared?

Because 7 8 9

I heard it was because seven is a registered six offender.

Fitzy. · « **Reply #245 on:** August 23, 2016, 06:00:20 pm »

Have you seen my step ladder? It's not my real ladder.

tubby · « **Reply #246 on:** August 24, 2016, 09:49:45 am »

Quote from: Fitzy. on August 23, 2016, 06:00:20 pm

Have you seen my step ladder? It's not my real ladder.

I can't believe I laughed at that. For fuck's sake.

Jimmy Conway · « **Reply #247 on:** August 24, 2016, 11:07:01 am »

Fringe joke of the year.

"My dads told me to sign up for a donor card. He's a man after my own heart"

BarryCrocker · « **Reply #248 on:** August 24, 2016, 11:47:08 am »

Another from The Fringe

"“I lost a court case battle against a popular fabric softener; I fought Lenor, and Lenor won”"

Dench57 · « **Reply #249 on:** August 24, 2016, 01:41:01 pm »

One of my favourites from the Fringe:

“Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask.”

sminp · « **Reply #250 on:** August 25, 2016, 07:55:02 am »

Did you hear about the man who took an airline company to court after his luggage went missing. He lost his case

Sudden Death Draft Loser · « **Reply #251 on:** September 4, 2016, 04:54:29 pm »

Donald Trump and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Trump was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse,'
The second barber turned to Obama and said, 'How about you?'
Obama replied, 'Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'

Les Willis · « **Reply #252 on:** September 4, 2016, 10:16:07 pm »

Mother Teresa was made a Saint today.

You have to wonder how Southampton pulled that one off, four days after the transfer window closed..

Elmo! · « **Reply #253 on:** September 4, 2016, 10:27:15 pm »

Quote from: Les Willis on September 4, 2016, 10:16:07 pm

Mother Teresa was made a Saint today.

You have to wonder how Southampton pulled that one off, four days after the transfer window closed..

Free agent, wasn't she?

Les Willis · « **Reply #254 on:** September 4, 2016, 10:28:31 pm »

Quote from: elmo_swatloski on September 4, 2016, 10:27:15 pm

Free agent, wasn't she?

True that.

cricketrocks · « **Reply #255 on:** September 5, 2016, 03:05:33 am »

Quote from: elmo_swatloski on September 4, 2016, 10:27:15 pm

Free agent, wasn't she?

She bribed the officials.

CHOPPER · « **Reply #256 on:** September 5, 2016, 07:06:36 pm »

Phone goes off last night and this number comes up on me phone about 25 numbers long, I answer it and it was some fella from China, turns out it was a long number.

liversaint · « **Reply #257 on:** September 5, 2016, 07:48:03 pm »

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were working very closely, and over time it became obvious they has feelings that one day Holmes couldn't contain.

He looked into Watsons eyes and they became intimate. Right at the crucial moment, Holmes reaches into a drawer, grabs a Jif lemon and sprays it liberally all over Watsons rear.

Horrified and stinging, he shouts "What the fuck you doing?"

Holmes replies. " Lemon entry, my dear Watson"

Andy Hunter · « **Reply #258 on:** September 5, 2016, 07:49:27 pm »

Mario Balotelli

BRdispatch05 · « **Reply #259 on:** September 5, 2016, 10:14:00 pm »

I was shopping late one night at the grocery store looking for nothing in particular. I thought I was the only customer there, but walking past the cleaning aisle I was shocked to see an absolutely stunning, attractive brunette. I went up and down the aisles aimlessly, but could not get her out of my thoughts. My path uncoincidentally led back to the cleaning aisle. When I got there she was standing, seemingly waiting. Out of curiosity I walked up to her and asked "What are you doing just standing here?". She looked around for a bit and sighed, then said "Listen...I will sleep with you if you help me promote this cleaning product." Absolutely appalled at the thought, and even angry, I said "Good luck with that" and walked away. I thought as I left "how could someone as attractive as her have such low morals." I'm no saint, but I was proud to claim I have stronger morals than that. ALMOST as strong as the power of Ajax dishwashing detergent, now in lemon and orange scented capsules! Twice the cleaning power of any other brand names.

Crosby Nick · « **Reply #260 on:** September 5, 2016, 10:20:55 pm »

Quote from: liversaint on September 5, 2016, 07:48:03 pm

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were working very closely, and over time it became obvious they has feelings that one day Holmes couldn't contain.

He looked into Watsons eyes and they became intimate. Right at the crucial moment, Holmes reaches into a drawer, grabs a Jif lemon and sprays it liberally all over Watsons rear.

Horrified and stinging, he shouts "What the fuck you doing?"

Holmes replies. " Lemon entry, my dear Watson"

Haha I can remember my mate telling us that at school when we were about 13!

Andy_lfc · « **Reply #261 on:** September 5, 2016, 10:26:38 pm »

What do you call a man with a plank of wood on his head?

Edward

What do you call a man with 3 planks of wood on his head?

Edward Woodward

What do you call a man with 4 planks of wood on his head?

I don't know, but Edward Woodward would.

I used to think I was a comedy genius as a kid with this one.

Red in Korea · « **Reply #262 on:** September 6, 2016, 10:50:02 am »

Quote from: BRdispatch05 on September 5, 2016, 10:14:00 pm

I was shopping late one night at the grocery store looking for nothing in particular. I thought I was the only customer there, but walking past the cleaning aisle I was shocked to see an absolutely stunning, attractive brunette. I went up and down the aisles aimlessly, but could not get her out of my thoughts. My path uncoincidentally led back to the cleaning aisle. When I got there she was standing, seemingly waiting. Out of curiosity I walked up to her and asked "What are you doing just standing here?". She looked around for a bit and sighed, then said "Listen...I will sleep with you if you help me promote this cleaning product." Absolutely appalled at the thought, and even angry, I said "Good luck with that" and walked away. I thought as I left "how could someone as attractive as her have such low morals." I'm no saint, but I was proud to claim I have stronger morals than that. ALMOST as strong as the power of Ajax dishwashing detergent, now in lemon and orange scented capsules! Twice the cleaning power of any other brand names.

Lol.