Topic: Jokes so bad they're punny

[Boston Bosox]

Donald Trump finds a magic lamp. He rubs it, and a genie comes out.

Genie: "I grant you three wishes."

Trump: "I'm tired of getting sued for everything I do. I want there to be no more courts."

Genie: "Granted. You have no wishes left."

Trump: "What the hell? You told me I had three wishes, and I only used one!"

Genie: "Sue me."

[Boston Bosox]

The family decided that it was takeaway night the other evening
We selected the dishes and phoned the order through
I said I would collect it

Went to the takeaway and got my order, placed it on the seat next to me...
While I sorted myself out, you know, seatbelt, ignition and all that
I looked at the food and saw a set of eyes looking at me
When I looked at them, they darted back inside the bag...

I picked the bag up and went back into the takeaway - Oi what the hell is going on, why is there a set of eyes in my order...
The server, said No worries mister, remember you ordered peeking duck, everything is good...

[Fitzy.]

“I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present”

“Erm…you are the lawyer”

“Exactly, so where’s my present?”

[Terry de Niro]

It was such a rough area where I grew up...
My first job was as a rear gunner on a milk float.

[WTF?]

I'm thinking of starting a marsupial fighting championship

I'm gonna call it mortal wombat

And on a similar theme...

What's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot?

One is an Australian marsupial, and the other is a Geordie trapped in a lift

[Crosby Nick]

And on a similar theme...

What's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot?

One is an Australian marsupial, and the other is a Geordie trapped in a lift

[Barry Davies voice] You have to say that’s magnificent

[ianburns252]

My friend loves almonds and has really bad anxiety; can't manage without his dimarzipan

[Boston Bosox]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital (wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose), drifting in and out of conciousness after a prolonged surgical procedure.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vital signs from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his todger in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. but that's not what I said, I asked:

A r e - m y - t e s t s - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

[Crosby Nick]

 

[Sir Capon of Debaser]

https://twitter.com/joshgyang/status/1762264285248380960

[Boston Bosox]

Two drunks are standing on the edge of a cliff, one has a budgie on each shoulder. The other has a parrot on each shoulder. The first jumps off the cliff and halfway down the budgies fly off, he hits the ground with a thud and is barely alive as he rolls around groaning upon the rocks. The second man jumps off the cliff and half way down the parrots flies off.He too falls to the ground with a thud.
As they both lie there in pain the first man comments “I don’t think much of this Budgie jumping” The other replies “I don’t think much of this parrot gliding either”.

[Andy @ Allerton!]

It is incorrect that you need a parachute to go sky diving.

You only actually need a parachute if you intend to do it more than once.

[Boston Bosox]

It take square ass to shit  a brick.
Woman who cooks beans and peas in same pot very unsanitary.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Stand on toilet, get high on pot.
Baseball very funny game--man with 4 balls no can walk!!
Woman who dance while wearing jock strap have make believe ballroom.
Man who fly plane upside down have crackup.
Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
Woman who ride bicycle in city pedal ass all over town.
Secretary not permanent, till screwed on desk.
A girl's best asset is her 'lie'ability.
Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who eat jellybean fart in technicolor.
Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake with smelly finger.
Man who lay girl on hill not on level.
Boy who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.

[sinnermichael]

Absent Fathers who don't want any contact with their children and refuse to pay any maintenance will now be forced to go on a seed awareness course.

[TheMissionary]

[Barry Davies voice] You have to say that’s magnificent

You have to say that's friggin' old.  Fell out the pram laughing at that and in them days a kangaroot was a Scotsman trapped in the bog/cludgy/thunderbox/and other euphemism for a toilet.

[Redwhiteandnotblue]

Thieves broke into my corner shop and stole 24 cans of Monster, 24 cans of Red Bull, 12 cans of Coke and 10 jars of coffee.

I don't know how these people can sleep at night.

[joe buck]

85% of womem admit having used vibrators
The other 15% say the bought them new.

[Boston Bosox]

The most famous line in cricket commentary history is “The bowler’s Holding, the batsman’s Willey.” A mistake that wasn’t repeated in the next Test Match when Sir Garfield Cupping bowled to Surrey all-rounder Derek Ballsack.

And this


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KsVTpX7LdZQ&t=56s

[Redwhiteandnotblue]

Celine Dion has remarried, to an aging farmer called MacDonald. She has also become rather eccentric and will only sing the vowels in her name.

[bradders1011]

Old MacDonald was dyslexic, O I O I E

[Saltashscouse]

I couldn’t wait to show my girlfriend my new tattoo I’d just had on my Willy , it said Ludo

She was really disappointed when I showed it to her

I said just stroke it

She was made up when it said Llandudno

[Boston Bosox]

Just paid £200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist!

[Boston Bosox]

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both lefts which, on the one hand, is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.

[farawayred]

I couldn’t wait to show my girlfriend my new tattoo I’d just had on my Willy , it said Ludo

She was really disappointed when I showed it to her

I said just stroke it

She was made up when it said Llandudno

Haha, reminded me of an oldie goldie...

A kid sees his grandpa coming out of the shower and sees a tattoo on his willy "Amam". He asks "grandpa, what's Amam?" The grandpa pulls the skin and the tattoo reads "Amsterdam"

[Saltashscouse]

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both lefts which, on the one hand, is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.

Reminded me of the old one.
 I bought a pair of beach shoes today , they were both left foot , they were a pair of Flip Flips

[Saltashscouse]

Haha, reminded me of an oldie goldie...

A kid sees his grandpa coming out of the shower and sees a tattoo on his willy "Amam". He asks "grandpa, what's Amam?" The grandpa pulls the skin and the tattoo reads "Amsterdam"

 

[Boston Bosox]

A man was getting a haircut prior to taking a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded,
“Why would you want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty — and full of Italians! You’re crazy to go to Rome!"
“So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking United,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!"
“United!” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they’re always late.
“So, where are you staying in Rome?”
“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”
“That dump! That’s the worst hotel in Rome. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced!
“What are you going to do when you get there?"
”We’re going to go to see the Vatican, and we hope to see the Pope."
“That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Oh boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours — you’re going to need it!”

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

“It was wonderful,” explained the man. “Not only were we on time in one of United’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful young stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel! Well, it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They were overbooked too, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”

“Well,” muttered the barber. “I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”

“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked in. As I knelt down he spoke to me.”

“What did he say?”

“He said, ‘Where’d you get that shitty haircut?”

[Boston Bosox]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims

"So, you are the great Lone Ranger"...

"In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"What is your FIRST request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear,

And the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent

And spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.

"You have a very fine and loyal horse",

"But I will still kill you in two days."

"What is your SECOND request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.

Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns,

This time with a voluptuous brunette,

More attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.

"You are indeed a man of many talents,"

"But I will still kill you tomorrow."

"What is your LAST request?"

The Lone Ranger responds,

"I'd like to speak to my horse...alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,

"Listen Very Carefully!!!



FOR...THE...LAST...GODDAM TIME...



BRING A POSSE!!!!

[Party Phil]

those last 2 were great, BB

[SamLad]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims

"So, you are the great Lone Ranger"...

"In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"What is your FIRST request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear,

And the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent

And spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.

"You have a very fine and loyal horse",

"But I will still kill you in two days."

"What is your SECOND request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.

Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns,

This time with a voluptuous brunette,

More attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.

"You are indeed a man of many talents,"

"But I will still kill you tomorrow."

"What is your LAST request?"

The Lone Ranger responds,

"I'd like to speak to my horse...alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,

"Listen Very Carefully!!!



FOR...THE...LAST...GODDAM TIME...



BRING A POSSE!!!!

best on here for  a while 

[afc tukrish]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims

"So, you are the great Lone Ranger"...

"In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"What is your FIRST request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear,

And the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent

And spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.

"You have a very fine and loyal horse",

"But I will still kill you in two days."

"What is your SECOND request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.

Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns,

This time with a voluptuous brunette,

More attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.

"You are indeed a man of many talents,"

"But I will still kill you tomorrow."

"What is your LAST request?"

The Lone Ranger responds,

"I'd like to speak to my horse...alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,

"Listen Very Carefully!!!



FOR...THE...LAST...GODDAM TIME...



BRING A POSSE!!!!

Was the posse a redhead?

[Boston Bosox]

Was the posse a redhead?

[Boston Bosox]

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:
1. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."
2. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."
3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."
4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."
5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."
6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."
7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."
8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."
9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."
10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."
12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."
13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."
14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."
15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."
16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."
17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."
19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.

[Boston Bosox]

I must be doing good financially, just got a letter from my bank saying my Balance is outstanding!

[Boston Bosox]

Three friends married women from different parts of the world. The first married a Greek girl and told her that she was to do the dishes and cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house.

The second man married a Thai girl and gave her the same orders, to do all the cleaning and cooking. The first day he didn’t see any results but by the third his house was clean and dinner was on the table.

The third man married a Liverpool  girl. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed and dinner ready for 6pm.

For the first two days he didn’t see anything, but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

[Boston Bosox]

Young Billy  comes home from school and tells his mother he’s been given a part in the school play.

“Wonderful,“ says his mam. “What part is it?”

The boy says: “I play the part of the Liverpool  Woman's  husband.”

The mother scowls and says: “Go back and tell them you want a speaking part.”

[Andy @ Allerton!]

Donald Trump finds a magic lamp. He rubs it, and a genie comes out.

Genie: "I grant you three wishes."

Trump: "I'm tired of getting sued for everything I do. I want there to be no more courts."

Genie: "Granted. You have no wishes left."

Trump: "What the hell? You told me I had three wishes, and I only used one!"

Genie: "Sue me."

[Terry de Niro]

I bought a world map today, l gave my wife a dart and said 'Throw a dart and wherever it lands, l'm taking you for a holiday'

Turns out we're spending two weeks behind the fridge.

[Only Me]

When I was young we were so poor that I once got a wrapped up empty cardboard box for Christmas.

My dad told me it was a limited edition Action Man deserter.

[afc tukrish]

I bought a world map today, l gave my wife a dart and said 'Throw a dart and wherever it lands, l'm taking you for a holiday'

Turns out we're spending two weeks behind the fridge.

Barney can bring a new one by...