Author Topic: Jokes so bad they're funny  (Read 237047 times)

Offline Tesco tearaway

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3600 on: October 18, 2019, 10:11:34 PM »
There's some absolute fucking classics in there Tesco mate that I've never heard, I've giggled like fuck at them tonight. Brilliant  ;D
:wellin :thumbup
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Offline Tesco tearaway

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3601 on: October 18, 2019, 10:14:02 PM »
Hmm, these puns are quite tricky. For some you have to have...what’s the word...erm...ah, guile.
Oh ffs!  :lmao
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Offline Tesco tearaway

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3602 on: October 18, 2019, 10:16:59 PM »
I said to my wife "Tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time."
She said "You've got a bigger dick than your brother."
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Offline Tesco tearaway

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3603 on: October 18, 2019, 10:25:24 PM »
A man with a stutter has passed away in prison.
He died before he could finish his sentence.
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Offline Tesco tearaway

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3604 on: October 18, 2019, 10:30:29 PM »
A woman takes her cat to the vet and explains he’s been tired and listless for the last day or so.
The vet puts his stethoscope to the cats chest and after a moment says “Say aahhh”.
The woman says “How can a cat say aahhh?”

The vet says “I was talking to you, the cat’s dead”
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Offline Tesco tearaway

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3605 on: October 18, 2019, 10:37:52 PM »
Back in the 60s, Michael Caine was having a big party at his Chelsea gaff.
Anyone who was anyone was there.
The Stones, Twiggy, Princess Margaret and Jim Morrison sitting on a sofa with his guitar strumming Light My Fire.
They were all there, swinging 60s London at its best.

Anyway, quite early, Jim Morrison gets up and says goodbye to Michael Caine. “Mate, great party, but we’ve got a gig tomorrow and I need to get some sleep; the band and me are going home”

Caine doesn’t want the party to drift away, so he says to Morrison “Why don’t you all go upstairs, take some of the girls up there and have some fun”. So off they go.

A while later, Mick Jagger thinks to himself, “I wonder where Jim and the boys went”, and goes to find them.
Caine follows a after a few minutes to find Jagger in standing in the room with us pants round his ankles and a blonde girl sucking him off.
In a rage, Michael Caine grabs the girl by her hair and drags her off, yelling “How many times do I have to tell you........
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"You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off”
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Offline Tesco tearaway

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3606 on: October 18, 2019, 10:43:41 PM »
My wife came into the bedroom absolutely starkers after her shower.
She said to me, “Babe, shut the curtains, I don’t want the neighbours to see me naked.”
“Don’t worry” I said. “If the neighbours see you naked, they’ll shut their own fucking curtains!”
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Offline Tesco tearaway

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3607 on: October 18, 2019, 11:03:07 PM »
A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest:
"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner: "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's'."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks: "Who is this Fannie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the mens' eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style. The priest turns to the altar boy and whispering asks: "Is that Fannie Green?"
The altar boy replies: "No Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes"
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Offline Henry Kissinger

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3608 on: October 18, 2019, 11:27:10 PM »
My wife came into the bedroom absolutely starkers after her shower.
She said to me, “Babe, shut the curtains, I don’t want the neighbours to see me naked.”
“Don’t worry” I said. “If the neighbours see you naked, they’ll shut their own fucking curtains!”

 :lmao
"What's passive smoking? There's passive lots of things. Like passive listening to shitheads. I have to put up with that every day. Are you going to ban people from talking crap? They give me a headache. Believe me, they're killing me. One day people's conversations on the street will do me in." Terry Hall

Offline Tesco tearaway

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3609 on: October 19, 2019, 12:11:53 AM »
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbour's male dog while the neighbours were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work ?" she asked.
"Well it just fucking worked on me," he replied.
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Online Medellin

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3610 on: October 19, 2019, 12:36:29 AM »
Fucking hell TT.  ;D

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Offline Tesco tearaway

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3611 on: October 19, 2019, 12:36:58 AM »
Which drug was in 'The Italian job?"
My cocaine.
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Offline Sons of pioneerS

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3612 on: October 19, 2019, 01:14:23 AM »
Which drug was in 'The Italian job?"
My cocaine.
Judging by your run of form tonight, you've had more than a snort or two yourself.  ;D
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Offline Tesco tearaway

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3613 on: October 19, 2019, 01:47:04 AM »
Judging by your run of form tonight, you've had more than a snort or two yourself.  ;D
You've got to read between the lines  ;)
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Offline 24/7

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3614 on: October 21, 2019, 06:58:57 AM »
(Thought I'd inject something topical for the coming time of year......)

I bought a bag of rocket salad, but it went off before I could eat it.
"Love does not claim possession, but gives freedom." - Rabindranath Tagore.

Offline liversaint

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3615 on: October 22, 2019, 11:28:16 AM »
I went into  Dan's Cafe for a bite to eat but was sickened by all the non-stop George Michael music and memorabilia, I'm sure it was putting subliminal George Michael lyrics in my head...

I'm never going to Dan's again...
You say Honey? I say Fuck off.

You dont win friends with Salad

There is another option. Mr Ferguson organises the fixtures in his office and sends it to us and everyone will know and cannot complain. That is simple.

Online sinnermichael

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3616 on: October 22, 2019, 11:41:56 AM »
The clocks go back this weekend, which is awkward, because I can't remember where I got mine from.

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3617 on: October 22, 2019, 04:45:08 PM »
You've got to read between the lines  ;)
Thank you TT....you've had us in stitches and crying at the same time.  :lmao
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Offline liversaint

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3618 on: October 22, 2019, 10:16:09 PM »
A mate was into S+M, necrophilia and bestiality. I told him he was flogging a dead horse.
You say Honey? I say Fuck off.

You dont win friends with Salad

There is another option. Mr Ferguson organises the fixtures in his office and sends it to us and everyone will know and cannot complain. That is simple.

Offline Sons of pioneerS

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3619 on: October 22, 2019, 10:49:04 PM »
I got punched in the face by a rabbit this afternoon.

Police reckon it was probably Thugs Bunny.
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Offline Sons of pioneerS

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3620 on: October 22, 2019, 10:50:53 PM »
How does a Scouse shepherd round up his sheep?

''Eh ewes, gerrin 'ere.''

 :-[
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Offline 24/7

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3621 on: October 23, 2019, 09:42:38 AM »
How does a Scouse shepherd round up his sheep?

''Eh ewes, gerrin 'ere.''

 :-[
:lmao

Reminds me of that very old joke you can find in the Lern Yerself Scouse books (bewks). The one where the teacher yells, "Stand up, Hughes!" and the whole class stands up.
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Online sinnermichael

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3622 on: October 23, 2019, 10:51:14 AM »
A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows.

I said, 'Yes, of course. - That's 20 cows'.

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3623 on: October 23, 2019, 12:12:02 PM »
A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows.

I said, 'Yes, of course. - That's 20 cows'.

Wahey! :D

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3624 on: October 23, 2019, 02:52:58 PM »
Sad bastards letting fireworks off in October. One frightened our dog so much he's bolted through the living room and knocked the Christmas tree over.

Offline 24/7

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3625 on: October 23, 2019, 05:29:10 PM »
Sad bastards letting fireworks off in October. One frightened our dog so much he's bolted through the living room and knocked the Christmas tree over.
That's a belter! I had to re-read it a couple of times before I remembered which thread this was :lmao
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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3626 on: October 23, 2019, 06:28:20 PM »
Sad bastards letting fireworks off in October. One frightened our dog so much he's bolted through the living room and knocked the Christmas tree over.

Deck the hall with boughs of fally-?
Since haste quite Schorsch, but Liverpool are genuine fight pigs...

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3627 on: October 24, 2019, 11:46:03 AM »
Man phones up his missus and says "I'm just leaving work; would you like me to pick up Fish and Chips on the way home?"
He was met with a stony silence.
"Look" he says "It's your own fault for letting me name the twins."

He's got a tattoo on his wrist that says "I hate blackie blackie blackie blacks, and I fucking love handballing it into the opponent's goal and away from my own goal, and biting people, and kicking young kids in the bollocks when they ask for autographs. And diving. I fucking love that."

Offline bradders1011

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3628 on: October 24, 2019, 01:13:49 PM »
Why is the House of Commons like a Picasso painting?

Ayes to the right, noes to the left.
If I were a linesman, I would execute defenders who applauded my offsides.

Offline stara

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3629 on: October 24, 2019, 07:56:05 PM »
How do you like the following joke from Sumeria in about 1900BC? “Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband’s lap.”
https://theconversation.com/the-mystery-of-what-makes-a-joke-funny-but-only-to-some-people-125769
"Some people believe football is a matter of life and death, I am very disappointed with that attitude. I can assure you it is, along golf, much, much more important than that."

Offline Tesco tearaway

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3630 on: October 24, 2019, 08:25:39 PM »
How do you like the following joke from Sumeria in about 1900BC? “Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband’s lap.”
https://theconversation.com/the-mystery-of-what-makes-a-joke-funny-but-only-to-some-people-125769

I know why they do it  :)
I was laying in bed with my new girlfriend ( now my wife ) and just as she was drifting off to sleep she farted on my leg.
I started laughing and she said "I'm just marking my territory."  ;D

True story bro...
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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3631 on: October 24, 2019, 08:33:42 PM »
I put my Christmas tree up myself. Now I can't get it out again.

Offline soxfan

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3632 on: October 25, 2019, 12:19:56 PM »
I totally understand how batteries feel because I’m rarely ever included in things either.

Offline soxfan

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3633 on: October 25, 2019, 12:22:37 PM »
Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, "What's the word on the street?"

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3634 on: October 25, 2019, 03:32:48 PM »
Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, "What's the word on the street?"

Diversion
He's got a tattoo on his wrist that says "I hate blackie blackie blackie blacks, and I fucking love handballing it into the opponent's goal and away from my own goal, and biting people, and kicking young kids in the bollocks when they ask for autographs. And diving. I fucking love that."

Offline Tesco tearaway

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3635 on: October 25, 2019, 03:35:19 PM »
Martin Kenneth Wild - Part of a family.

Online sinnermichael

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3636 on: October 25, 2019, 03:41:58 PM »
I went to the pub last night and Vincent Van Gogh was in there. I said “would you like a drink Vincent”?

He said “no thanks I’ve got one ear”.

Offline Sons of pioneerS

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3637 on: October 25, 2019, 03:57:27 PM »
I think I've just been behind the Scouse Vincent Van Gogh in the queue for the till in Waterstones.

The assistant said "would you like a bag for your purchase?"

He said "no thanks, I've got one ear."

^

Errr, sinnermichael.


 ;)
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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3638 on: October 28, 2019, 12:26:49 PM »
A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years.
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying git. He's never been out of the garden!!.
Brexit. As stupid as you can imagine.

The poor voting to make themselves worse off and their masters richer.

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