Author Topic: The good old fart!  (Read 11289 times)

Offline FlashingBlade

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The good old fart!
« on: October 27, 2011, 10:44:38 PM »
A heinous act for some, a thing of joy for others... guaranteed to bring excrutiating embarrasment at the wrong social moment... or a hilarious unexpected explosion of noise and.. erm!...well, smell!! SBD's, wet ones...all part of God's great whoopee cushion of life..

My favourite fart anecdote is one a work colleague told me many years ago... it was a lovely Sunday summers morning....very early around 6am he found himself standing in his kitchen doorway looking into his back yard, cup of tea in hand, warming to the sun and enjoying the peace and tranquility before the rest of the world got up....he felt one coming, feeling quite safe in the solitude of the early morning, he let out a rasping trumpet..........quickly followed by a womens voice from the yard across the way "charming!"


Offline JamesG L4

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Re: The good old fart!
« Reply #1 on: October 27, 2011, 11:19:33 PM »
A heinous act for some, a thing of joy for others... guaranteed to bring excrutiating embarrasment at the wrong social moment... or a hilarious unexpected explosion of noise and.. erm!...well, smell!! SBD's, wet ones...all part of God's great whoopee cushion of life..

My favourite fart anecdote is one a work colleague told me many years ago... it was a lovely Sunday summers morning....very early around 6am he found himself standing in his kitchen doorway looking into his back yard, cup of tea in hand, warming to the sun and enjoying the peace and tranquility before the rest of the world got up....he felt one coming, feeling quite safe in the solitude of the early morning, he let out a rasping trumpet..........quickly followed by a womens voice from the yard across the way "charming!"



If a man can't let himself go in the security of his own garden then when can he? The woman has got a cheek to be fair.

The question about trumping that needs discussion is how long should you wait to have the 'big reveal' with a new partner. I kept them in for a good six months, she must have thought I was a non farting, metro sexual, too good to be true modern man. Then the night came - six months of stomach cramps came to an end with a loud, proud rip roarer that signalled the final emergence of the real me. A real 'deal or no deal' moment for us all.

The moment a woman decides if she is in or she is out.

Thankfully, ten blissful years later and she has put up with my orchestra of morning sounds throughout - I even think (secretly) she likes to grade them, although she never admits it!

Can you imagine your other half smelling another man's farts willingly?! That would the worst betrayal possible.
« Last Edit: October 27, 2011, 11:23:02 PM by Voltaire »
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Offline Capon Debaser

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Re: The good old fart!
« Reply #2 on: October 28, 2011, 12:03:10 AM »


'PARP!!'
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Offline Rusty

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Re: The good old fart!
« Reply #3 on: October 28, 2011, 12:30:43 AM »
The question about trumping that needs discussion is how long should you wait to have the 'big reveal' with a new partner. I kept them in for a good six months, she must have thought I was a non farting, metro sexual, too good to be true modern man. Then the night came - six months of stomach cramps came to an end with a loud, proud rip roarer that signalled the final emergence of the real me. A real 'deal or no deal' moment for us all.

The moment a woman decides if she is in or she is out.

Classic!

I held mine in for a good number of months (probably about 9 or so I think) then it got to around Xmas, went out for a Thai meal (red curry duck I think, though it may have been pork) with the 2 of us and a mate who was visiting. Got home and a SBD slipped out, I tried to keep a straight face but it was pretty obvious when she smelt the unholiness and realised that such a bad smell could come out of such a good person ;)

The compliment was returned later though, we went on holiday up to Queensland, one night I woke up fairly early in the morning to find she had gone to the loo. Obviously she thought I was still asleep, so left the loo door open and did a nice long wee, followed by the loudest cheek-ripper you could imagine (seriously it went for an age). I lay completely still pretending like I was still asleep, then the next day casually mentioned that she must have been busting for the toilet last night, and that she must feel better having got rid of all that trapped gas!

The look on her face was pure mortification, absolutely brilliant!
He's made Kaizer wet himself with excitement then cry when he realises all in one post. Ban him? Knight him in the new year's honours!

Offline Snail

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Re: The good old fart!
« Reply #4 on: October 28, 2011, 12:32:56 AM »
Being a girl I have no idea what you're talking about, etc etc.

Offline The Gulleysucker

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Re: The good old fart!
« Reply #5 on: October 28, 2011, 12:39:21 AM »
....The question about trumping that needs discussion is how long should you wait to have the 'big reveal' with a new partner. I kept them in for a good six months,

I think I know what you mean about the first 6 months or so though, that tentative period of not wanting to spoil things and being slightly unsure quite what the reaction will be to the sort of casual but full on throaty ripper and accompanying acrid stench typically generated after a few too many beers and a rich meal that when single, you think nothing of, in fact can sometimes be quite proud of especially if it was a lads night out or at work in the morning and dropped as you leave the packed lift.

But yes you're right, and tolerating your other half farting in bed must be a sign of some kind of affection, though either party deliberately pushing their arse into the other when farting is perhaps stretching blissful loving harmony somewhat.

Being a girl I have no idea what you're talking about, etc etc.

Oh aye, as for women claiming they never drop sweaty knickered stinkers or ever do loud ones, sometimes combined, and the rest...
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Offline Rusty

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Re: The good old fart!
« Reply #6 on: October 28, 2011, 12:41:40 AM »
Being a girl I have no idea what you're talking about, etc etc.

Obviously not. I'm sure that from time to time rainbows and butterflies flutter out while heavenly music plays right?
He's made Kaizer wet himself with excitement then cry when he realises all in one post. Ban him? Knight him in the new year's honours!

Offline Snail

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Re: The good old fart!
« Reply #7 on: October 28, 2011, 12:46:57 AM »
Obviously not. I'm sure that from time to time rainbows and butterflies flutter out while heavenly music plays right?

;D

Offline KERRYKOP

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Re: The good old fart!
« Reply #8 on: October 28, 2011, 12:54:19 AM »
6 months, 9 months, there's no way I could do that! Especially after a night on the beer and waking up a bit pissed and willing to take a risk. I usually have the first root and toot out in first week!

Offline Capon Debaser

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Re: The good old fart!
« Reply #9 on: October 28, 2011, 01:04:45 AM »
Sheeps coughs are the best ones,when you fart,sneeze and cough at the same time.Quite crispy n sharp on ya ring n all if youve not long been out the shower,and snot bubbles a plenty
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Re: The good old fart!
« Reply #10 on: October 28, 2011, 01:06:05 AM »
I'm not one for worrying about farting in front of a new bird. Obviously not first night but after a couple of weeks is grand. In the 8 years with my bird though its definitely less than 10 times she has farted properly in my company

Offline Capon Debaser

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Re: The good old fart!
« Reply #11 on: October 28, 2011, 01:16:23 AM »
My older brother used to watch cartoons with me and my little bro on a saturday in his room.He was 16,i was 6 an my kid bro was 4.So me an my kid bro are on the top bunk with him,.and he says 'Who wants to play Battle of The Planets?'.Me an our kid are like 'Yeahhhh!!!!'

So he pulls the He Man bed covers over our heads and does a big fuck off roast dinner fart under the covers, whilst trapping us underneath..

Most probably the worst game ive ever played
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Offline Billy The Kid

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Re: The good old fart!
« Reply #12 on: October 28, 2011, 01:34:29 AM »
Relieving oneself of gas is one of life's most joyas pleasures. The only thing that can make the experience even more fulfilling is to inflict ones own bowel fragranced gasses on an unsuspecting victim. I love to snare my prey whilst driving. If I've got someone in the passenger seat of my car and I feel a rasper coming on then the first thing I do is lock the electric windows with the little switch under my elbow on my drivers door. As my bowel toxins near the precipice of my anal exit, I turn on the heating full blast. Last but not least, before I finally unleash, I lock all doors with the central locking, again with my elbow, and again on my drivers door.

Then I turn and look at my victim, smile at them menacingly, before arching my pelvis up off my drivers seat to deliver my hoop flavored aroma with devastating effect. Usually my victims will freeze at first in total shock. Which is natural. Then they reach for the window, at which point I begin to laugh in a Vincent Price like manner as they realize I've nullified that escape route. As they realize the scent is being accentuated by the heater, they reach for the door handle. Again they realize there is no escape, and again my guffaws grow louder louder. They're left with no alternative but to hold their breath. As they near the point of suffocation I gradually lower my window down and watch them inhale through their sleeves in a bid to filter my fumes. I've even done this to my own Dad

Farting rules all. It really does
“When overtaken by defeat, as you may be many times, remember than mans faith in his own ability is tested many times before he is crowned with final victory. Defeats are nothing more than challenges to keep trying.” – Napoleon Hill.

Offline Capon Debaser

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Re: The good old fart!
« Reply #13 on: October 28, 2011, 01:59:45 AM »


'Look,I am your Farter'
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Offline Lady_brandybuck

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Re: The good old fart!
« Reply #14 on: October 28, 2011, 02:09:40 AM »
hahahahahahahaha! :lmao this thread
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Offline Snail

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Re: The good old fart!
« Reply #15 on: October 28, 2011, 02:36:42 AM »
Relieving oneself of gas is one of life's most joyas pleasures. The only thing that can make the experience even more fulfilling is to inflict ones own bowel fragranced gasses on an unsuspecting victim. I love to snare my prey whilst driving. If I've got someone in the passenger seat of my car and I feel a rasper coming on then the first thing I do is lock the electric windows with the little switch under my elbow on my drivers door. As my bowel toxins near the precipice of my anal exit, I turn on the heating full blast. Last but not least, before I finally unleash, I lock all doors with the central locking, again with my elbow, and again on my drivers door.

Then I turn and look at my victim, smile at them menacingly, before arching my pelvis up off my drivers seat to deliver my hoop flavored aroma with devastating effect. Usually my victims will freeze at first in total shock. Which is natural. Then they reach for the window, at which point I begin to laugh in a Vincent Price like manner as they realize I've nullified that escape route. As they realize the scent is being accentuated by the heater, they reach for the door handle. Again they realize there is no escape, and again my guffaws grow louder louder. They're left with no alternative but to hold their breath. As they near the point of suffocation I gradually lower my window down and watch them inhale through their sleeves in a bid to filter my fumes. I've even done this to my own Dad

Farting rules all. It really does

That is just... well, brilliant.

Offline Capon Debaser

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Re: The good old fart!
« Reply #16 on: October 28, 2011, 02:37:12 AM »


Nooksy Nooksy



Oars dour?



Farter



Fur tear ooh?



Farter Creased Moose

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Offline Crimson_Tank

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Re: The good old fart!
« Reply #17 on: October 28, 2011, 03:05:23 AM »
I have a story that I shall recant for your amusement.

Many years ago when I was in my first year at university, one of my mates, Greg, and I came home for thanksgiving holiday. After a day filled with football (not American) we headed to his parents house for some refreshments. His mother had made chili, with 5 different kinds of beans. We washed our many bowls down with large amounts of wheat beer. And then settled down to play some video games (we went retro and pulled out the NES). About 2 hours later the girls called us up to see what we were doing, we invited them over for some more beer and movies; pretty soon we had near 20 people over had were making a night of it, one of the guys, my other best mate Eric brought over some tacos and bean dip to better feed the party. as the night dwindled down sets of 2 and 3 left until we were only a group of 8 or so.

A few of the girls were left and they were sleeping/ passed out and we reverted to our video games and terrible movies (nothing beats Bloodsport as a drinking game movie and for sheer amusement). As you may have imagined the copious amounts of wheat beer coupled with our multiple bowls of 5 bean chili was working it's way through our collective digestive systems. Topped with the later bean dip and tacos we were feeling a little gassy.

Greg decided to make the best of the situation and noticed that one of the girls was sleeping curled up with a thick quilt.

Target located.

Greg creeps down and preps the quilt around her while simultaneously crouching with his anus directed towards her unsuspecting sleeping face.

What followed was both quite disgusting and hilarious beyond belief.

Greg ripped one of the most damply atrocious smelling foul stenches to ever creep across this earth. (I could have sworn it resembled a mist cloud of death)

Then he clamped down the quilt around her body, tightly. 

It should be noted that both Greg and the girl under the quilt are registered black-belts in budokai ninjutsu and are quite strong.

The girl awakens with a startle and is dazed and confused,

"why is there a blanket over me, who is hugging me so tight?.... OH MY GOOD LORD WHAT THE HELL IS THAT! (muffled coughing) I AM GOING TO BREAK WHOEVER'S ARMS ARE HOLDING ME AND THEN INSERT A BOTTLE IN THEIR RECTUM!"

We were losing it on the floor this whole time. And for the next few weeks we could not look at them for fear of being killed and/or bursting into fits of uncontrollable laughter.

A dead animal is a dead animal. And a piece of meat is a piece of meat.

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Re: The good old fart!
« Reply #18 on: October 28, 2011, 07:25:51 AM »
Love having a good fart, something to be proud of.

I'd only been seeing my now wife for a few weeks and one night she went the loo, which is above the living room and I could hear her fart. Made a joke of it when she got down, told her I've no probs with farting and she admitted she'd been holding them in. Since then, we both just let them rip in front of each other. She does far better farts than me though, all the veg she eats. We'll be lying in bed and no matter how loud mine is, she'll let out a louder one.

She also makes her fingers into a gun and shoots you when she farts, the 3 yr old has started copying her. I do pull my finger with him.

Her sisters fella is a cockney prick and he doesn't think women should fart in front of men, so she's banned. Ive heard her let a few rippers out too in the past.

Offline Rafa_La

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Re: The good old fart!
« Reply #19 on: October 28, 2011, 08:37:46 AM »
A game of Dutch Ovens helps cements any relationship long term :lickin
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Re: The good old fart!
« Reply #20 on: October 28, 2011, 08:50:05 AM »
Sod holding it in. I do it openly as soon as possible to get it over with. Same with burping. Loud and proud is best. Then again i get that old line ' cant you do that quietly ' and i say yes i can but i choose not to. Like music, i like it loud. Whats the point of rock music when u can barely hear it. Same as bodily functions. Enjoy it while you still have control over them ;)
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Offline J-Mc-

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Re: The good old fart!
« Reply #21 on: October 28, 2011, 09:08:45 AM »
Sheeps coughs are the best ones,when you fart,sneeze and cough at the same time.Quite crispy n sharp on ya ring n all if youve not long been out the shower,and snot bubbles a plenty

:lmao


Offline PJG

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Re: The good old fart!
« Reply #22 on: October 28, 2011, 09:13:00 AM »
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/v/pD_7jMqghhA?version=3&amp;amp;hl=en_US" target="_blank" class="new_win">http://www.youtube.com/v/pD_7jMqghhA?version=3&amp;amp;hl=en_US</a>

Offline ChaChaMooMoo

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Re: The good old fart!
« Reply #23 on: October 28, 2011, 09:13:23 AM »
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/v/4LvwYUnSoQo" target="_blank" class="new_win">http://www.youtube.com/v/4LvwYUnSoQo</a>

Offline Ziltoid

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Re: The good old fart!
« Reply #24 on: October 28, 2011, 09:24:33 AM »
Being a girl I have no idea what you're talking about, etc etc.

My other half is worse than me.
He's got a tattoo on his wrist that says "I hate blackie blackie blackie blacks, and I fucking love handballing it into the opponent's goal and away from my own goal, and biting people, and kicking young kids in the bollocks when they ask for autographs. And diving. I fucking love that."

Offline StevenLFC

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Re: The good old fart!
« Reply #25 on: October 28, 2011, 09:29:22 AM »
I have a story for you all, but be warned before reading, it is a bit vile and contains strong sexual references. Viewer discretion is advised.

A lad I know lived at home with his parents, along with his mothers dog. It was a little Jack Russell, but it had been trying everyone's patience as it was taking ages to train it not to shit in the house. After about 6 months or so, it had gotten better but every now and then it'd do a turd in the house.

"If that dog shits in here one more time, I'm going to get it put down" said the mother one afternoon. Slightly harsh you migh think, but after six months of cleaning up shit, she'd obviously reached the end of her teather.

One night, my mate's parents had gone out so he had the house to himself. He invited his girlfriend down, and they proceeded to get a bit drunk on beer and wine, and also polished off a curry from the take-away. Beef I think it was, possibly chicken, either way it's not important.

With a belly full of food and alcohol, they decide to take advantage of the empty house with a little bit of 'How's Your Father', or 'sex', depending on what you call it. Anyway, they are at it on the couch, when she says, ever so delightly:

"Bend me over and do me from behind"

He obliges, and as he's doing it, he let's out an SBD. They both know it's happened, the smell is so bad, but they're busy so carry on.

What happens next is equally as disgusting as it is hilarious. Without knowing her exact words, she basically told him to give her a bit of anal sex. Lucky man you might think? Think again!

Just before he 'enters the tunnel' or 'puts his penis in her anus', if you aren't good at innuendoes, the girl let's out a rasping fart.

"Oh my God. Sorry. I'm so embarrassed" she said drunkenly.

My mate says it's ok, mainly becuase he wants to give her some bum love. Both regain composure and begin the anal sex, when she says "My stomach feels weird, you'll have to stop." With that, he removes himself from her backside, and she immediately drops a fart. But this isn't any fart, it's a shart! She shits all over him and the couch! He's obviously pissed off and runs straight to the shower leaving the girl crying downstairs. He gets clean and goes downstairs to find her trying to clean the couch. The problem is, it's a fabric couch and the wet poo has soaked in. They try all they can, but it's stained and stinks.

They loose track of time, and as they're cleaning, in walk his folks. Luckly, my mate and his girl are bow dressed, but the living room stinks of crap. When theology asks what's happened, he says "Your stupid dog pooed on the couch"

The mum buys the story, and the girlfriend is relieved to know that the shit hasn't hit the fan (just the couch!)

The lad and his girl go off to bed, wake up the next morning and go downstairs. The room still stinks, but mum and dad are gone. When they arrive back, mum has a tear in her eye.

"What's up mum"
"We've just had the dog put down, if it's shitting on the couch, we can't keep it, plus the smell was so bad, he must be really ill"

Offline SPLee

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Re: The good old fart!
« Reply #26 on: October 28, 2011, 09:44:12 AM »
Love that 1st one in the morning, in fact.........:D
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Re: The good old fart!
« Reply #27 on: October 28, 2011, 09:54:23 AM »
I don't really fart unless I'm on my own. I did manage to finally get one back on my fella just last week though, absolute stinker it was (apparently) and he started heaving and got out of bed. I felt really proud of myself. :D
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Offline Roady

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Re: The good old fart!
« Reply #28 on: October 28, 2011, 10:05:51 AM »
Usually get it out of the way straight away.My Mrs secretely likes them i reckon.Apart from i did last year which stank so bad she jumped out of bed ran to the window to open it and was gasping for breath.
The worst ones i find are when your on a night out and you know you need a good fart and when you let rip its a proper true stinker.You have people all around you and the gap increases until your left on your own.Even stragers are wafting the air with their arms in the hope it will dispense.
I also quite admire the "air burger".Quite rare these bad boys.When you fart and you cant smell it and it klind of floats from one location to the next in a room and one by one someone smells it.
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Offline Chinbits

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Re: The good old fart!
« Reply #29 on: October 28, 2011, 10:10:40 AM »
I get it out the way straight away when I'm with a girlfriend. I even go as far as to wipe my bum on her curtains just so she knows where she stands.
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Offline Enemy

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Re: The good old fart!
« Reply #30 on: October 28, 2011, 10:16:04 AM »
The worst ones i find are when your on a night out and you know you need a good fart and when you let rip its a proper true stinker.You have people all around you and the gap increases until your left on your own.Even stragers are wafting the air with their arms in the hope it will dispense.

Years ago my other half used to go out to the pubs and that on a Friday/Saturday and his mates would be out trying to chat up girls. He'd save up a really good, stinky one, go and stand  behind one of his mates and let it rip quietly and walk away, leaving the girl disgusted with his mate and walking away.
Enemy, at that time, and now, I cant think of anything good to say about her. She's still being a c*nt

Offline Roady

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Re: The good old fart!
« Reply #31 on: October 28, 2011, 10:19:33 AM »
Years ago my other half used to go out to the pubs and that on a Friday/Saturday and his mates would be out trying to chat up girls. He'd save up a really good, stinky one, go and stand  behind one of his mates and let it rip quietly and walk away, leaving the girl disgusted with his mate and walking away.

haha superb
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Offline CornerFlag

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Re: The good old fart!
« Reply #32 on: October 28, 2011, 10:28:53 AM »
I have IBS.  I dream of the day I have normal farts.
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Re: The good old fart!
« Reply #33 on: October 28, 2011, 10:30:32 AM »
I hate winter farts. They are held up inside the jacket inside and then when I have to open the jacket, they, like stink up the entire place.

Had to endure this the hard way in the bus the other day. Luckily I wasnt the only one to open my jacket. Quite lucky that day.

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Re: The good old fart!
« Reply #34 on: October 28, 2011, 10:32:54 AM »
Quote
Flatulence is often blamed as a significant source of greenhouse gases, owing to the erroneous belief that the methane released by livestock is in the flatus. While livestock account for around 20% of global methane emissions, 90–95% of that is released by exhaling or burping. Only 1–2% of global methane emissions come from livestock flatus.

Since New Zealand produces large amounts of agricultural product it is in the unique position of having high methane emissions from livestock compared to other greenhouse gas sources. The New Zealand government is a signatory to the Kyoto Protocol and therefore attempts are being made to reduce greenhouse emissions. To achieve this an agricultural emissions research levy was proposed, which promptly became known as a "fart tax" or "flatulence tax". It encountered opposition from farmers, farming lobby groups and opposition politicians.

In Fresno, California, a system to harvest methane by-product from dairy cattle and convert it to usable bio-gas is being used, in a partnership with Pacific Gas & Electric (PG&E) and BioEnergy Solutions, in which BioEnergy Solutions sells the methane harvested from cows to PG&E, who then converts the methane to usable bio-gas, which is very similar to natural gas.

Source: Wiki Flatulence.

Offline bleedsred1978

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Re: The good old fart!
« Reply #35 on: October 28, 2011, 10:42:27 AM »
I hate the pre shite one in an airport toilet cubicle. The ones with the open ceiling and floor.

Have to wait till whoever was in there at the time heads off to get their flight before I come out.
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Offline lostpet.

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Re: The good old fart!
« Reply #36 on: October 28, 2011, 10:46:29 AM »
i got woken up a few nights ago bout 4am by the missus sitting up and giggling, then about 2 seconds later she farted so long and loud it sounded like a trumpet note, cue louder giggling and another longer trumpet noise that i swear changed tone twice, then she composed herself and went back to sleep not realising i was awake.

was a tad odd behaviour that.

P.S. she was mortifyed when i asked her that afternoon what she had been doing

Offline Roady

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Re: The good old fart!
« Reply #37 on: October 28, 2011, 10:59:13 AM »
fair play to her. Farting is good. Better an empty house than a dirty lodger
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Offline adruk87

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Re: The good old fart!
« Reply #38 on: October 28, 2011, 02:44:10 PM »
I like to play the fart game in the car with the missus, do a proper snide hot one then flick the window lock on my side so shes stuck with it, works with friends also, if you use the handbrake handle to push yourself up it gives extra circulation.
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Re: The good old fart!
« Reply #39 on: October 28, 2011, 05:31:21 PM »
I remember years ago doing the fart with your fingers pointed like a gun.

I did it to my brother, I had a dressing gown on.

Instead of farting I shat on the floor - my brother thought I was demented.
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