Author Topic: All About Skrtel  (Read 58323 times)

Offline sabbathfan

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All About Skrtel
« on: July 3, 2008, 12:02:12 AM »
Martin Skrtel is the leading cause of death in Eastern European centre forwards. 

Martin Skrtel could strangle you with a cordless phone.

Killing Martin Skrtel doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

Martin Skrtel played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Martin Skrtel once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves. 

When Martin Skrtel was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.

Martin Skrtel can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

The Black Eyed Peas were just The Peas until Martin Skrtel heard their music. 

Simon Says should be renamed to Martin Skrtel Says because if Martin Skrtel says something then you better fucking do it.

Superman wears Martin Skrtel pajamas. 

Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Martin Skrtel, you're fucking dead." 

Quentin Tarantino was asked to direct a biography about Martin Skrtel. He passed. It was too violent. 

If Martin Skrtel was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.

You can lead a horse to water. Martin Skrtel can make him drink.

All men are created equal. They are all vastly inferior to Martin Skrtel.

Martin Skrtel was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.

Martin Skrtel has been to Mars. Thats why theres no life on Mars.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Okay a blatant rip off of the Jack Bauer jokes but meh.

Can anyone else think of some good ones? ;D

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Offline Sarge

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Re: All About Skrtel
« Reply #1 on: July 3, 2008, 12:05:22 AM »
Martin Skrtel can eat 5 Shredded Wheat.
If you donít stand for something you will fall for anything.

Offline sabbathfan

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Re: All About Skrtel
« Reply #2 on: July 3, 2008, 12:06:42 AM »
Martin Skrtel can eat 5 Shredded Wheat.

Without milk ;D

Martin Skrtel can lead a horse to water and make it drink it.

You can lead a horse to water. Martin Skrtel can make him drink.

Ahem ;D
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Offline tinman1

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Re: All About Skrtel
« Reply #3 on: July 3, 2008, 12:07:59 AM »
Killing Martin Skrtel doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.




Made me chuckle that one
ďWell to be honest with you, Iíve not got a lot to say about David Haye apart from heís not a proper fighter, is he? Heís basically a bit of a gay fighter as Iíve said. Nothing against gays, but if there was ever a gay fighter David Haye would be one. He showed nothing! He had all the talk beforehand and he went in there and acted like a bitch!"

Offline Garstonite

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Re: All About Skrtel
« Reply #4 on: July 3, 2008, 12:09:54 AM »
Martin Skrtel knows the meaning of life but is too busy playing football and eating people to share.

Offline maher

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Re: All About Skrtel
« Reply #5 on: July 3, 2008, 12:10:40 AM »
:lmao  :lmao  :lmao  :lmao  :lmao  :lmao  :lmao 

Offline King Brian Blessed

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Re: All About Skrtel
« Reply #6 on: July 3, 2008, 12:15:31 AM »
Martin Skrtel thinks that anyone trying to make a song for him to the tune of 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' is a c*nt. He's not wrong.

Offline Sarge

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Re: All About Skrtel
« Reply #7 on: July 3, 2008, 12:16:51 AM »
Martin Skrtel does not look at other mens cocks in the shower.
If you donít stand for something you will fall for anything.

Offline rosie

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Re: All About Skrtel
« Reply #8 on: July 3, 2008, 12:19:01 AM »


Martin and his mum.
no coward soul is mine

Offline Franck Le Poof

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Re: All About Skrtel
« Reply #9 on: July 3, 2008, 12:19:39 AM »
His mum deserves a medal for pushing him out
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Offline rosie

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Re: All About Skrtel
« Reply #10 on: July 3, 2008, 12:21:38 AM »
His mum deserves a medal for pushing him out

 I bet the midwife didn't dare smack his arse!
no coward soul is mine

Offline Swan

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Re: All About Skrtel
« Reply #11 on: July 3, 2008, 12:22:59 AM »
Martin Skrtel has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.

I love Skrtel!

Offline Sarge

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Re: All About Skrtel
« Reply #12 on: July 3, 2008, 12:25:59 AM »
Martin Skrtel wipes his arse with barbed wire.
If you donít stand for something you will fall for anything.

Offline bt7cadillac

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Re: All About Skrtel
« Reply #13 on: July 3, 2008, 12:26:45 AM »
I bet the midwife didn't dare smack his arse!

When Skrtel was born he had sex with the midwife. Up until that point in his life, she was the 3rd woman he'd had sex with.
Oh my god it's Russell Crowe

Offline Franck Le Poof

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Re: All About Skrtel
« Reply #14 on: July 3, 2008, 12:27:30 AM »
Martin Skrtel wipes his arse with barbed wire.
:lmao
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Offline deadlybuzz

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Re: All About Skrtel
« Reply #15 on: July 3, 2008, 12:29:18 AM »
There is no Ctrl button on Martin Skrtel's computer. Martin Skrtel is always in control.
Ahh, pressing refresh and waiting for news... just like the bad old days.

Liverpool porn, this.

anyone who's negative can fuck off

Offline Bob Loblaw

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Re: All About Skrtel
« Reply #16 on: July 3, 2008, 12:30:01 AM »
When Skrtel needs new clothes, he stares down raw textiles. They become terrified and weave themselves into garments.

Offline KK Legend

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Re: All About Skrtel
« Reply #17 on: July 3, 2008, 12:40:28 AM »
Martin Skrtel can put a Rowntrees' fruit pastille in his mouth without chewing it. :o

 
Martin Skrtel wipes his arse with barbed wire.

   ;D :D ;D

Offline IloveGuinness17

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Re: All About Skrtel
« Reply #18 on: July 3, 2008, 12:42:14 AM »
When they finally landed on the moon all they found was two empty bottles of gin and Martin Skrtel's wallet
JFT 96-Solidarity

Offline Sarge

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Re: All About Skrtel
« Reply #19 on: July 3, 2008, 12:44:38 AM »
Martin Skrtel is so hard even midgets are scared of him. Fact.
If you donít stand for something you will fall for anything.

Offline jordo08

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Re: All About Skrtel
« Reply #20 on: July 3, 2008, 12:45:36 AM »
Martin Skrtel can fold a piece of paper more than 7 times
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Offline KK Legend

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Re: All About Skrtel
« Reply #21 on: July 3, 2008, 12:52:23 AM »
When Martin Skrtel wants to cut his toenails he hires a 1000 amp plasma cutter and informs air traffic control to clear surrounding air space.

Offline Sarge

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Re: All About Skrtel
« Reply #22 on: July 3, 2008, 12:56:04 AM »
When Martin Skrtel farts it sends shockwaves across the globe and burns another hole in the ozone lair.
If you donít stand for something you will fall for anything.

Offline 1770ben

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Re: All About Skrtel
« Reply #23 on: July 3, 2008, 01:00:04 AM »
When  Martin Skrtel takes a dump, he asks Gary Neville to " open wide" . Unfortunately Rooney jumps the queue.
Fay ce que vouldras.

Offline deadlybuzz

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Re: All About Skrtel
« Reply #24 on: July 3, 2008, 01:00:37 AM »
Martin Skrtel destroyed the Periodic Table because he only recognises the element of surprise.
Ahh, pressing refresh and waiting for news... just like the bad old days.

Liverpool porn, this.

anyone who's negative can fuck off

Offline KK Legend

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Re: All About Skrtel
« Reply #25 on: July 3, 2008, 01:02:04 AM »
When Martin Skrtel stares at a jelly....it stops wobbling.


Offline sabbathfan

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Re: All About Skrtel
« Reply #26 on: July 3, 2008, 01:03:06 AM »
Some class ones in here ;D

Love the sex with the midwife one ;D
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Offline 1770ben

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Re: All About Skrtel
« Reply #27 on: July 3, 2008, 01:05:07 AM »
When Martin Skrtel went to an AC/DC concert , they started playing Debussy.
Fay ce que vouldras.

Offline Serenity

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Re: All About Skrtel
« Reply #28 on: July 3, 2008, 01:07:28 AM »
Martin Skrtel has his cake and eats it too
I am walking the earth... ... walking the earth. My marido is basque, he is bright; my children are resplendent, luminous. We are walking the earth... ... walking earth... ...walking earth...

I say. I decide....such is life...happy in faith.
God has spoken; be careful, imitation is flattery.

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Offline Sarge

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Re: All About Skrtel
« Reply #29 on: July 3, 2008, 01:08:22 AM »
Martin Skrtel shot JR.
If you donít stand for something you will fall for anything.

Offline deadlybuzz

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Re: All About Skrtel
« Reply #30 on: July 3, 2008, 01:11:01 AM »
Martin Skrtel does not sleep. He waits.
Ahh, pressing refresh and waiting for news... just like the bad old days.

Liverpool porn, this.

anyone who's negative can fuck off

Offline sabbathfan

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Re: All About Skrtel
« Reply #31 on: July 3, 2008, 01:13:52 AM »
Jack Bauer and Martin Skrtel had a contest to see how many people they could kill in 3 minutes. Jack Bauer killed 87. Skrtel killed 242.

Afterwards Bauer claimed he'd have killed more if he hadn't run out of bullets. While Skrtel claimed he would've killed more if he hadn't run out of people.
There is probably no GOD. Stop worrying about it and LIVE your LIFE

Offline sabbathfan

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Re: All About Skrtel
« Reply #32 on: July 3, 2008, 01:15:10 AM »
Martin Skrtel and Superman had an arm wrestling contest. The only stipulation was that the loser must wear his underwear on the outside.
There is probably no GOD. Stop worrying about it and LIVE your LIFE

Offline rosie

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Re: All About Skrtel
« Reply #33 on: July 3, 2008, 01:16:32 AM »
spiders are scared of martin skrtel.
no coward soul is mine

Offline The Infamous_LFC

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Re: All About Skrtel
« Reply #34 on: July 3, 2008, 01:18:48 AM »
There no such thing as global warming Martin Skrtel turnt the heater up.

Martin Skrtel can connect 4 in three turns

Martin Skrtel lost his virginity before his father

Offline sabbathfan

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Re: All About Skrtel
« Reply #35 on: July 3, 2008, 01:19:21 AM »
Martin Skrtel once helped an old lady cross a busy road. There was a massive pile up and 14 people died. But the old lady got to the other side of the road.
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Offline AnfieldIron

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Re: All About Skrtel
« Reply #36 on: July 3, 2008, 01:20:19 AM »
Martin Skrtel can touch MC Hammer.

Offline sabbathfan

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Re: All About Skrtel
« Reply #37 on: July 3, 2008, 01:20:49 AM »
Why did the chicken cross the road?

Cos Martin Skrtel told him to, and if he tells you to then you'd better fucking do it!
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Offline The Infamous_LFC

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Re: All About Skrtel
« Reply #38 on: July 3, 2008, 01:21:49 AM »
Martin Skrtel is dead but he hasn't been told yet


Offline sabbathfan

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Re: All About Skrtel
« Reply #39 on: July 3, 2008, 01:23:08 AM »
When Martin Skrtel drives through a toll booth he gets £5
There is probably no GOD. Stop worrying about it and LIVE your LIFE