Author Topic: Jokes so bad they're funny  (Read 187774 times)

Offline Groundskeeper Willie

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2760 on: April 21, 2019, 12:40:57 PM »
Cop: say the alphabet backwards

Me: the alphabet backwards

Cop: okay, you’re under arrest

Me: but you said—

Cop: I didn’t say simon says

Me: oh shit

Everything is forgiven Tesco Tearaway .
They don't think it be like it is, but it do.

Offline Groundskeeper Willie

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2761 on: April 21, 2019, 12:41:44 PM »
Cop: you're under arrest for evading an officer.

Me: you never said simon says.

Second cop: *handcuffing the first cop* rules are rules.

Go to jail. Go straight to jail without passing Go.
They don't think it be like it is, but it do.

Online Tesco tearaway

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2762 on: April 21, 2019, 12:47:29 PM »
Everything is forgiven Tesco Tearaway .
Cheers mate  ;D
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Offline Fitzy.

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2763 on: April 21, 2019, 11:37:28 PM »
My conscience is clean. 

Offline MBE

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2764 on: April 23, 2019, 12:05:29 PM »
I went into a hairdressers in Newcastle upon Tyne and asked for a perm.  'Ah wondered lernly as a clood' was the response. 
It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends upon his not understanding it.

Offline BlackandWhitePaul

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2765 on: April 23, 2019, 03:12:59 PM »
I went into a hairdressers in Newcastle upon Tyne and asked for a perm.  'Ah wondered lernly as a clood' was the response. 
Piss poor effort that, nowt at all like how a Geordie talks.

If you had of said Ashington, Bedlington or some pit village somewhere off the beaten track in Northumberland you would have been nearer the mark.

In Ashington it sounds like they say 'derg' for dog.
Ashley, Ashley
When will those debt clouds disappear
Ashley, Ashley
When will you jump in the Tyne-and-Wear
With no salad in your bowl
And no money in your coats
You can say we're dissatisfied
Ashley, Ashley
 ©   PhaseOfPlay

Online afc turkish

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2766 on: April 23, 2019, 03:14:12 PM »
Piss poor effort that, nowt at all like how a Geordie talks.

If you had of said Ashington, Bedlington or some pit village somewhere off the beaten track in Northumberland you would have been nearer the mark.

In Ashington it sounds like they say 'derg' for dog.

Dergs? Yeah, I like dergs...
Since haste quite Schorsch, but Liverpool are genuine fight pigs...

Offline BlackandWhitePaul

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2767 on: April 23, 2019, 03:16:21 PM »
Dergs? Yeah, I like dergs...
Yeah,well gan into the arguments against vegans thread and let us know how many hawt dergs ye can hoy doon ya neck in one gan   :)
Ashley, Ashley
When will those debt clouds disappear
Ashley, Ashley
When will you jump in the Tyne-and-Wear
With no salad in your bowl
And no money in your coats
You can say we're dissatisfied
Ashley, Ashley
 ©   PhaseOfPlay

Offline MBE

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2768 on: April 23, 2019, 04:53:02 PM »
Piss poor effort that, nowt at all like how a Geordie talks.

If you had of said Ashington, Bedlington or some pit village somewhere off the beaten track in Northumberland you would have been nearer the mark.

In Ashington it sounds like they say 'derg' for dog.

No, it was excellent.  The hairdresser came from Bedlington as I could discern by his accent.  And he had one of them Bedlington terriers which gave the game away a bit. 
It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends upon his not understanding it.

Offline BlackandWhitePaul

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2769 on: April 23, 2019, 07:29:09 PM »
Ashley, Ashley
When will those debt clouds disappear
Ashley, Ashley
When will you jump in the Tyne-and-Wear
With no salad in your bowl
And no money in your coats
You can say we're dissatisfied
Ashley, Ashley
 ©   PhaseOfPlay

Offline TheMissionary

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2770 on: April 23, 2019, 10:06:37 PM »
 A geordie goes the doctor's with gammy leg

The doc asks "can you walk?"

Geordie replies "walk?  I can't even waark!"

(Apologies for the spelling, no doubt Paul will tell me how it should be done)
TheMissionary
YNWA

Offline oldfordie

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2771 on: April 23, 2019, 11:39:25 PM »
What’s the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot?

One lives in the outback, the others a Geordie stuck in a lift.
"Never has so much been lost by so many, to satisfy so few" - Nicola Sturgeon on the impact of Brexit

Offline ChaChaMooMoo

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2772 on: April 24, 2019, 08:20:43 AM »
Piss poor effort that, nowt at all like how a Geordie talks.

If you had of said Ashington, Bedlington or some pit village somewhere off the beaten track in Northumberland you would have been nearer the mark.

In Ashington it sounds like they say 'derg' for dog.

There's been a lorry crash in Ashington town centre and there's terrapins everywhere.

It's turtle chaos

Offline BlackandWhitePaul

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2773 on: April 24, 2019, 08:28:57 AM »
Hahahaha, wey aye man, you's are all spot on there like     :D
Ashley, Ashley
When will those debt clouds disappear
Ashley, Ashley
When will you jump in the Tyne-and-Wear
With no salad in your bowl
And no money in your coats
You can say we're dissatisfied
Ashley, Ashley
 ©   PhaseOfPlay

Offline Dirkydirkdirk

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2774 on: April 24, 2019, 09:26:19 AM »
I can't believe I've been sacked for doing dodgy impressions of a sunburnt Italian.

I'm gonna appeal.
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Offline BIG DICK NICK

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2775 on: April 24, 2019, 11:16:05 AM »
I can't believe I've been sacked for doing dodgy impressions of a sunburnt Italian.

I'm gonna appeal.

:D

Online Tesco tearaway

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2776 on: April 24, 2019, 11:50:34 AM »
I can't believe I've been sacked for doing dodgy impressions of a sunburnt Italian.

I'm gonna appeal.
;D
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Offline Mark Walters

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2777 on: April 24, 2019, 03:20:38 PM »
Swimming in Ashington last night and got chatted up by a lass. "Are you flirting?" I asked.
"No, I've got my feet on the bottom" she replied
"Maybe in life it's impossible to give 100 per cent to your job. Okay, I'll accept 98 per cent" Rafa Benitez

Offline Red_Bear

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Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2778 on: April 24, 2019, 04:13:05 PM »
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti.

You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta.

Offline jason67

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2779 on: April 24, 2019, 04:56:50 PM »
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti.

You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta.

Brilliant  ;D
At last the TRUTH 26th April 2016

Still don't buy the s*n.

Online Tesco tearaway

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2780 on: April 24, 2019, 04:59:34 PM »
Swimming in Ashington last night and got chatted up by a lass. "Are you flirting?" I asked.
"No, I've got my feet on the bottom" she replied
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti.

You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta.
Pair of belters  ;D
Martin Kenneth Wild - Part of a family.

Offline Jack The Lad

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2781 on: April 24, 2019, 05:45:46 PM »
A two seater light aircraft has crashed in a Dublin graveyard.

Irish air safety investigators have said this is the worst aviation disaster in Irish history.

900 bodies have been discovered so far.

Offline BlackandWhitePaul

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2782 on: April 24, 2019, 07:11:06 PM »
If this was the USA then Ashington would be where the Rednecks live.     :P
Ashley, Ashley
When will those debt clouds disappear
Ashley, Ashley
When will you jump in the Tyne-and-Wear
With no salad in your bowl
And no money in your coats
You can say we're dissatisfied
Ashley, Ashley
 ©   PhaseOfPlay

Offline Mumm-Ra

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2783 on: April 24, 2019, 08:08:34 PM »
I went into a hairdressers in Newcastle upon Tyne and asked for a perm.  'Ah wondered lernly as a clood' was the response.

:lmao

Offline nozza

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2784 on: April 25, 2019, 01:18:33 AM »
Ralph comes home pissed one night, stumbles upstairs, slides into bed beside his sleeping wife and falls into a deep slumber.

He awoke standing at the pearly gates before st peter. "You died in your sleep ralph" st peter explains.

"What... no this can’t be!" Ralph cries "I've so much to live for... please send me back"

St peter explains that the only way Ralph is allowed back is in the form of a chicken.
Devastated but desperate to see his family again he asks to be sent to a small farm near his house.

 Next thing ralph knows he's covered in feathers, clucking and pecking around in the dirt on a warm summers morning.

 A rooster strolls past and says "so you're the new hen? Hows your first day?" Ralph the hen replies "it’s not bad really but I have this uncomfortable feeling in my stomach, like I’m gonna explode"

 "You're ovulating" explains the rooster "have you never laid an egg before?" "Never" says Ralph. "Just relax and let it happen, there’s nothing to be afraid of" the rooster says, reassuringly.

 Ralph steadies himself and tries to relax and a few uncomfortable moments later out pops his first egg.

Ralph was Overcome with relief and emotion at the feeling of becoming a mother. He soon laid a second egg. He was overjoyed.

 Just as he readied himself to lay his third egg he felt a sharp slap on the back of his head and heard his wife screaming "Ralph you dirty bastard wake up, you've shit the bed again!"

Offline Jack The Lad

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2785 on: April 25, 2019, 07:20:20 AM »
^^^^  :lmao :lmao :lmao :lmao :lmao :lmao :lmao

Offline Malaysian Kopite

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2786 on: April 25, 2019, 09:37:22 AM »
 ;D
Football without fans is nothing.

We've won 18 titles, 5 European Cups, 7 FA Cups, but today must be the greatest victory of all.

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2787 on: April 25, 2019, 11:04:25 AM »

Offline Dirkydirkdirk

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2788 on: April 25, 2019, 11:34:53 AM »
There are no stars in this team, or no one with any airs or graces. We're one unit, we work hard for each other and we all pull in the same direction.

Offline Groundskeeper Willie

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2789 on: April 26, 2019, 09:15:35 AM »
A two seater light aircraft has crashed in a Dublin graveyard.

Irish air safety investigators have said this is the worst aviation disaster in Irish history.

900 bodies have been discovered so far.

:lmao
They don't think it be like it is, but it do.

Offline ChaChaMooMoo

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2790 on: April 26, 2019, 10:55:45 AM »

Offline Red_Bear

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2791 on: May 2, 2019, 11:02:19 AM »
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

Offline Red_Mist

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2792 on: May 2, 2019, 11:28:23 AM »
My grandad always used to say, “As one door closes another one opens”.

Lovely man....terrible cabinet maker.

Offline 24/7

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2793 on: May 2, 2019, 02:15:26 PM »
I dated an Irish lass many years ago but we had to stop seeing each other cos she fucking stank of cricket bats. Sorry, her name? Yeah.

Lyndsey Doyle.

:wave
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Offline sinnermichael

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2794 on: May 2, 2019, 03:14:40 PM »
Sadly I got sacked from my job at the bank today.

An old lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Offline BIG DICK NICK

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2795 on: May 2, 2019, 03:15:45 PM »
I dated an Irish lass many years ago but we had to stop seeing each other cos she fucking stank of cricket bats. Sorry, her name? Yeah.

Lyndsey Doyle.

:wave

Wahey!

Offline sinnermichael

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2796 on: May 2, 2019, 07:13:13 PM »
David Beckham is 44 today. Him and Victoria have stuck together through thick and thin. And all the other nicknames they've been called.

Offline 24/7

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2797 on: May 2, 2019, 07:15:15 PM »
Friend of mine has been moved from the fabric softener aisle to wines and spirits. He tells me he's out of his comfort zone.
"Love does not claim possession, but gives freedom." - Rabindranath Tagore.

Offline 24/7

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2798 on: May 2, 2019, 07:15:48 PM »

Lucy, in the sky, with diamonds?


John Lennon was shit at Cluedo.

:wave
"Love does not claim possession, but gives freedom." - Rabindranath Tagore.

Offline Medellin

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2799 on: May 2, 2019, 09:04:53 PM »
Me: What's the Wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.

Barman: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Barman: £3.

Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

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