Author Topic: Struggling with depression  (Read 351012 times)

Offline Perham

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Re: Struggling with depression
« Reply #6760 on: March 14, 2019, 08:05:18 PM »
You are being far too hard on yourself here. What you are feeling is normal and completely natural under the circumstances. Although a bit of a cliche, time is indeed a healer, but three days is absolutely no time at all. The loss of a loving relationship often affects a person in the same way as a bereavement. It's a big loss, and loss is a big deal for human beings. My first relationship ended after six years and it felt like someone I loved had died. It takes us quite a bit of time to process that kind of loss and upheaval in our lives. You will get there, but you have to give yourself time and space in which to process everything.

You may well feel a bit worse before you start to feel better, but that's the process working itself through. Don't beat yourself up for feeling as you do. As I said, it's normal.
Crying is not a bad thing. It helps get the pain out and it's just another part of the process of adjusting to losing what was, and adjusting to what now is. You are bound to feel raw, but it's best to acknowledge it and ride it out, because it will ease in time.

You clearly invested a lot of time, energy, emotion and love into your relationship and, as you say, this now leaves a big void. I know what that feels like, and it's absolutely horrible. As I said, it's very much like a bereavement, and it takes time to come to terms with things of such magnitude, but you will do. I am 100% certain of that. The void is something that will eventually be filled with other things, other people and other experiences, but in the meantime I think it's best to just accept that it's there for now.

You sound like you have a bit of a downer on yourself generally anyway, going by how you say you aren't really a good person. Maybe this is something you feel you could benefit from addressing in the future, when you feel a bit more able? Self-reflection is no bad thing so long as it's not needlessly self-critical. It's a good way of working out what we can improve on in order to help us get through life more effectively. Self-development, however you decide to go about it, can be a very positive way of filling a void in our lives. It can provide direction and purpose.

You don't sound dramatic at all. You sound like someone experiencing a big loss in their lives and going through all the associated thoughts and feelings that go along with that. Sometimes, when I feel like that I just do nothing. I take time out where I can and I try to ride out the wave of emotion. I do this because I know it cannot be sustained, and will calm sooner or later, and then I will be more able to think about how to move forward. You know this too, because you say you have experience of time being a help in the past. It's just that some things affect us more deeply and take longer to process. Try to give yourself that time and space, and always keep in mind that these feelings are normal given the circumstances.

Take care of yourself.
Thanks mate I really needed the encouragement. Yeah it does have the feeling of a bereavement right now and it is hard but I'm trying and like you said I'll just have to give it time. The void will be hard to fill as that time was the happiest time of my entire life and I'm not sure I'll ever fully get over it but I'll try my best and life goes on. About being a good person I know it's something I should work on because I feel like I constantly bring others down and not intentionally but I need to change that. I tried to not do that to her because I genuinely did love her but I fear that I did a bit towards the end and that's why we broke up. I can't help but feel like the bad guy in all of this. Thank you again for the reply it's very much appreciated
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Offline rob1966

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Re: Struggling with depression
« Reply #6761 on: March 14, 2019, 08:10:16 PM »
After a change in meds last Sept I think it was and doing online CBT I had really started to feel good again - people had noticed the change.

weekend of 23/24th Feb would have been my Mums and my Wifes StepDads birthdays - my Ma died in 2007 before the kids were born and her Stepdad died in 2015. Anyway, I felt shit that weekend and had a proper plummet in feelings - been feeling like shit again, can't be arsed, struggle to do things at home. My youngest sons behaviour over the past few weeks hasn't helped, I'm sick to death of dealing with all the shit.

Starting to feel a bit better now and have got an appt with a new counsellor on Monday night, so hopefully things are on the turn again.

Offline Sons of pioneerS

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Re: Struggling with depression
« Reply #6762 on: March 14, 2019, 09:02:08 PM »
Thanks mate I really needed the encouragement. Yeah it does have the feeling of a bereavement right now and it is hard but I'm trying and like you said I'll just have to give it time. The void will be hard to fill as that time was the happiest time of my entire life and I'm not sure I'll ever fully get over it but I'll try my best and life goes on. About being a good person I know it's something I should work on because I feel like I constantly bring others down and not intentionally but I need to change that. I tried to not do that to her because I genuinely did love her but I fear that I did a bit towards the end and that's why we broke up. I can't help but feel like the bad guy in all of this. Thank you again for the reply it's very much appreciated

You're welcome.

Maybe you did make some mistakes, but who doesn't? At least you sound like you are willing to acknowledge them and learn from them. That bodes well for the future.

I made many horrendous mistakes in my past. I had a lot of issues, was extremely emotionally immature and a very negative person to be around. I lost a number of relationships and people I loved because of it. I've had to do a lot of work on myself in order to get to the place I'm in now, with a long-term relationship of around 15 years. I only mention this because it shows that despite the pain of a break-up, we can and do eventually get over it and move on. How we do that is up to us individually, but we do get there. I also mention it because it shows that even though we all mess up at times, we can still learn from it, improve ourselves and find new people, new things and new places that we can enjoy.

Just reading your post back again you said how your relationship was the happiest time of your life. This just highlights for me the depth of the loss you will be feeling and how the pain will not just go away in a few days. These things take time. Processing it all takes time. Sadly, these feelings are sort of the price we pay for loving and caring. The more we love and care, the more vulnerable and raw we are if/when it falls apart. This is one reason why some people don't invest as much of themselves into relationships as they could do. Because they simply don't feel able to risk the pain. Personally, I'd rather love 100% and take the pain if it happens.

You mentioned bringing others down. I wonder what drives that? Maybe you would benefit from working that out and addressing it. I used to bring others down too. I had no confidence and no self-esteem, and that influenced how I acted around others, even those I loved dearly. We can work on things though. We can make changes and learn from our mistakes. Actually, I think we learn far more from our mistakes than we do our successes. Well, if we are willing to do so, that is. You sound like you are, and that bodes well.

Look after yourself.
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Offline Sons of pioneerS

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Re: Struggling with depression
« Reply #6763 on: March 14, 2019, 09:18:03 PM »
After a change in meds last Sept I think it was and doing online CBT I had really started to feel good again - people had noticed the change.

weekend of 23/24th Feb would have been my Mums and my Wifes StepDads birthdays - my Ma died in 2007 before the kids were born and her Stepdad died in 2015. Anyway, I felt shit that weekend and had a proper plummet in feelings - been feeling like shit again, can't be arsed, struggle to do things at home. My youngest sons behaviour over the past few weeks hasn't helped, I'm sick to death of dealing with all the shit.

Starting to feel a bit better now and have got an appt with a new counsellor on Monday night, so hopefully things are on the turn again.

I'll probably sound like a stuck record if you just read my first reply to Perham, but that nose-dive in feelings seems fairly normal to me given the context. By that, I mean you aren't doing anything 'wrong' here, and although those feelings are obviously unpleasant, they are natural given the circumstances in which they occurred. As such, it sounds like something to acknowledge, but not buy into and agonise over too much. I know I've mentioned this before, but things/feelings/thoughts often come in waves that we can neither prevent or fight. Sometimes it's better to just ride them out. I often picture myself surfing a wave in my mind, rather than becoming overwhelmed by it. Waves, well they always dissipate. They all break and then calm eventually. The trick is in how we learn to surf them. I hope that makes some sort of sense.

If you feel a bit shit, maybe allow yourself to do so. Don't give a shit for a couple of days then come back to it when you feel a bit more up to it. Self-care is important. We can't feel great all the time. It's a bit like the weather really. We try to hold onto the sunny weather, but no matter what we do it will piss down again at some point. Then again, when it's pissing down, we also know that at some point the sun will come back out. That's the way it works, and we can't fight it. We just have to work with it.

Anyway, sorry if this sounds like utter bollocks. It's just how I see things.

All the best with the new counsellor. I hope it helps you. Take care of yourself.

« Last Edit: March 14, 2019, 09:19:38 PM by Sons of pioneerS »
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Offline rob1966

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Re: Struggling with depression
« Reply #6764 on: March 15, 2019, 03:17:00 PM »
I'll probably sound like a stuck record if you just read my first reply to Perham, but that nose-dive in feelings seems fairly normal to me given the context. By that, I mean you aren't doing anything 'wrong' here, and although those feelings are obviously unpleasant, they are natural given the circumstances in which they occurred. As such, it sounds like something to acknowledge, but not buy into and agonise over too much. I know I've mentioned this before, but things/feelings/thoughts often come in waves that we can neither prevent or fight. Sometimes it's better to just ride them out. I often picture myself surfing a wave in my mind, rather than becoming overwhelmed by it. Waves, well they always dissipate. They all break and then calm eventually. The trick is in how we learn to surf them. I hope that makes some sort of sense.

If you feel a bit shit, maybe allow yourself to do so. Don't give a shit for a couple of days then come back to it when you feel a bit more up to it. Self-care is important. We can't feel great all the time. It's a bit like the weather really. We try to hold onto the sunny weather, but no matter what we do it will piss down again at some point. Then again, when it's pissing down, we also know that at some point the sun will come back out. That's the way it works, and we can't fight it. We just have to work with it.

Anyway, sorry if this sounds like utter bollocks. It's just how I see things.

All the best with the new counsellor. I hope it helps you. Take care of yourself.



Thanks for taking the time to reply, you've given me some new ideas on how to look at an approach things, which i will take on board.

Offline Nitramdorf

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Re: Struggling with depression
« Reply #6765 on: March 15, 2019, 04:26:53 PM »
I think im just about done. Been ok for a few months, weaned myself of tablets. Some twat winds me up at work. Now Ive got a bruised hand, a hole in the wall. Just spent an hour sat on the toilet at work with my head in my hands. Insomnia will really kick in now. Stomach is hurting, cant eat. A shit weekend has now got worse. Its so, so tiring. Im so sorry for ranting, all the best to those in pain.

Offline Red Berry

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Re: Struggling with depression
« Reply #6766 on: March 15, 2019, 08:59:02 PM »
I think im just about done. Been ok for a few months, weaned myself of tablets. Some twat winds me up at work. Now Ive got a bruised hand, a hole in the wall. Just spent an hour sat on the toilet at work with my head in my hands. Insomnia will really kick in now. Stomach is hurting, cant eat. A shit weekend has now got worse. Its so, so tiring. Im so sorry for ranting, all the best to those in pain.

Sending hugs.  Know exactly how you feel.  It's one of the reasons I left my job.

See about taking time off work, and if you can try to arrange a private therapist.  It might help in the short term.  You can also contact Talk Liverpool.  They will probably take time to get you some help, so the private therapist can help you in the meantime.
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Offline Keita Success

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Re: Struggling with depression
« Reply #6767 on: March 19, 2019, 07:43:46 AM »
If anyone ever needs to talk, I’m here. This thread quite literally helped to save my life - without it, I doubt I’d be here and where I am in life. There’s a post above about sometimes it has to get worse in order to get better and I can promise it’s not just a cliché.

After I tried to take my own life, my little brother followed suit and tried to throw himself off a motorway bridge. The second time, I stopped him while cars slowed down to look, but never stopped - that was my lowest point.

From there it did get better. It sounds so hard, but you have to look forward, stop feeling like you’re dragging people down and just talk. I fucking guarantee that anyone who means anything in your life will spare that 10 minutes if it helps. You’re not a burden. RAWK’s here for you. Also, up the fucking Redmen.
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Offline Yosser0_0

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Re: Struggling with depression
« Reply #6768 on: March 20, 2019, 11:35:25 AM »
Interesting programme on 5 Live yesterday:-

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m00037zg
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Offline J-Mc-

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Re: Struggling with depression
« Reply #6769 on: April 12, 2019, 02:50:19 PM »
Didn't think I'd be posting in here for a long time but here I am.

I've recently split up with a girl I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, someone I thought was the one, who I've loved completely over the 3 and a half years we were together. We were engaged, we were planning a family.

We split up about a month ago, the reason being that I was getting very anxious and paranoid about a lad she'd started hanging around with, someone who classed himself as a Dominate and someone who had 3-4 girls on the go at any given time.
My ex was telling me there was nothing to worry about and that he was like a brother to her, that nothing was every going to happen between them, she told me that it was just my mental health making me paranoid so I needed to try and sort it out. We ended up arguing about him one night because she'd stayed out with a few friends, I found out he was there and basically got incredibly anxious, resulting in an argument.

We carried on living together to make things a lot easier for us on the finances, I was trying to sort things out with her and finally felt like we were getting somewhere as one night, we were cuddled up on the couch having a laugh and a joke and she lent in to kiss me. I pulled away as a joke, she got up and went to the toilet only to come running out with a pregnancy test. She was finally pregnant! I was so happy, I started to joke with her saying 'Is it definately mine then?' and I saw her face drop, I knew there was something she hadn't told me.

She said it was mine or one other persons, my heart sank hearing that she'd slept with someone else while we'd been broken up, my heart sank even more when I found out it was the lad I was anxious and paranoid about, the one she blamed my mental health for being paranoid about.

I found out a few days ago that she'd been sleeping with him since the weekend we split up, 3 and a half years, engaged and she was under another lad within hours of us breaking up. My soul mate, my one had completely used me. She's pregnant and with the dates she's been given by the womens of when she will have conceived, it's his child, not mine. Although I am expecting to need to get a DNA test in the future.

I'm also a guarantor on a very big loan for her, one that is slightly over £10,000 that I simply can't afford at the minute due to being in others debts because of her and because I took furniture out on finance that is paid off this year.

She told me today that she might not be able to carry on paying it.

I feel lower than low, worthless and now on top of this, I may have another £10,000 of debt on my head as well as the other £5,000 I'm in through finance.

I don't know what to do anymore, my depression is very quickly creeping back up, i feel like I'm getting my family involved in my problems as I've now had to move back into my parents because I can't afford a place on my own, and they can't afford to help me out of this whole i'm in.

I just wish there was a way to get £10,000, even £1 at a time just to get this paid off and get this nightmare over.

I feel like absoloute shit.

Offline SamAteTheRedAcid

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Re: Struggling with depression
« Reply #6770 on: April 12, 2019, 03:31:46 PM »
Jeez J-Mc, that is rough.

Awful performance from your former other half there.

Haven't any useful advice but just remember in the end you deserve someone better than someone who would treat you like that.
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Re: Struggling with depression
« Reply #6771 on: April 12, 2019, 05:14:02 PM »
That's horrible J-Mc lad.

She is a horrible human for what she did, I can't think of a useful advice except try to make yourself busy and not think about her, the financial situation will hopefully get taken care off soon.

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Offline Red Berry

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Re: Struggling with depression
« Reply #6772 on: April 12, 2019, 06:47:43 PM »
So sorry J-Mc.  I have no words to encompass how you must be feeling right now.  :-\

Please - try to remember her behaviour is no reflection on you as a person.  Try not to let it damage your own sense of self worth.
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Offline J-Mc-

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Re: Struggling with depression
« Reply #6773 on: April 13, 2019, 01:14:49 PM »
Thanks all. I just really don’t know what to do at the minute 😔.

Offline rob1966

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Re: Struggling with depression
« Reply #6774 on: April 13, 2019, 02:00:56 PM »
That is really shit that mate.

Being practical, speak to the company the loan is from and see what your options are - the money worries will only deepen your depression.

As for the ex - you'll have been told all this before, but there really are plenty of more fish in the sea. I was with someone for 9 years from when I was 29 til 38, she always said we were soul mates, destined to be together etc etc until we split up - she denied it but she was cheating on me with a copper. Just over 2 years later I was getting married and I'm now a Dad of 2 and very happy with my lot.

Offline Sons of pioneerS

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Re: Struggling with depression
« Reply #6775 on: April 13, 2019, 04:27:30 PM »
Thanks all. I just really don’t know what to do at the minute 😔.

Your initial post was a tough read, I must say. I'm sorry to hear what you are currently going through.

A few things struck me. You said the reason you broke up was down to you being ''anxious and paranoid'' about a lad your ex had been hanging around with. OK, I know there are two sides to every story and we are only hearing yours, but from what you have said, I don't buy that as the reason. From here, it actually looks more like a case of constructive dismissal of your relationship by your now ex. She's given you the rope to hang yourself, then blamed you for doing so. You were always going to feel a bit insecure over the scenario where she is hanging around another guy. She could have diffused that whole situation if she wanted, but she didn't. She basically let you stew on it then used your understandable insecurity as the convenient 'reason' for the relationship breaking down.

Don't get me wrong, men and women definitely can be just friends. I'm male and pretty much all of my friends are women. I just get on better with them and prefer their company. I'm really close friends with a married woman, but we always make sure to be extremely respectful of her husband and their relationship. What I'm saying is that there is no way we would do anything to make him feel insecure. It's all about mutual respect.

Your ex suggests this guy was more like a brother to her, but that doesn't tally with the fact she was sleeping with him as soon as you broke up. It's all too convenient for her, isn't it? She blames your mental health in order to get what she sees as a legitimate get-out of the relationship, then gets straight into bed with the lad she protested innocence over. If I were a betting man I'd lay odds on her paving the way to end one relationship in order to slip right into another, blaming her ex (you) in the process in order to justify her actions.

If I am in any way correct with these assumptions then I have to say that although it may not feel the case now, you are so much better off without her and deserve so much more. If this really is the end for you both, then maybe it's a good thing that the child is not yours afterall.

Given the circumstances it's absolutely no surprise that you feel like utter shite just now. The break-up of a cherished relationship can hit just like a bereavement and stir just as much pain and heartache. Basically what I'm saying is that how you are currently feeling is normal given the circumstances. I'd not try to fight against those feelings just now. Just accept them as normal, ride them out and let them take their course. It's the most healthy way to deal with it.

Self-esteem is guaranteed to take a broadside hit in such circumstances too. The thing to try to keep in mind, though, is that what has happened is not a reflection on you as a person. It is very much a reflection on your ex and her ethical code. None of us are perfect, of course. I'm sure you have your faults just as we all do, but your ex could have handled the entire thing differently if she had wanted to. She chose not to. That's on her, not you. Long ago I was with a girl I loved. We were together for around six years and lived together for a time. I was a bit of a mess mental health-wise, but rather than help, she hindered. She ended up giving me a sexually transmitted issue and I found out she was sleeping with her female mate who was also sleeping with anything that moved, regardless of gender, lying about all sorts of stuff, running up debt and basically being a horrible, duplicitous little shit. I got the blame when it ended because of 'my issues' but facts are she played on them to bring about the outcome. She is the only ex I have that I have no time or respect for, and in later life I was deeply involved with a violent, abusive woman with alcohol issues. Even today I have more time and respect for her than I could ever have for that cheat I lived with. Now, I've been with a fantastic woman for the last 15 years. Nothing puts two fingers up to a horrible ex better than getting on with your life and living it well.

From here, even though your current situation is horrible and raw, it looks like you are best off out of it. There are women out there who will treat you far better than this woman has. As far as the practical aspects go with money etc I hope you can get yourself some good advice on how to proceed from here on. I don't know much about how loans and loan companies work, but if she defaults on her loan and lumbers you, then I think Robs suggestion of consulting the loan company for advice is a good one. How convenient that your ex suddenly might not be able to meet her loan commitments just after you broke up and she has you as guarantor, eh.  >:(  That stinks!

You will get over this and will definitely get over her. With behaviour like that, she doesn't deserve a decent guy like you. As for the financial situation, I hope you get some good advice and can sort it out and work through it.

Look after yourself now. You have to be your number one priority.

Take care.

« Last Edit: April 13, 2019, 04:36:51 PM by Sons of pioneerS »
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Re: Struggling with depression
« Reply #6776 on: April 16, 2019, 03:01:33 PM »
Mate just passed me this link to a lad who used to post on here and who i used to get on with,as did a lot of others.Until recently I thought he'd left twitter etc cos of the whole Hani shite but Royhendo made me aware of his new account..

Anyway,have a read.Might be what some of you lot are going through etc and maybe can relate



https://novni.com/letters/read/164564/not-sure-what-this-is

Not sure what this is. Some kind of confession maybe. A load of bollocks no one wants to hear? Possibly. I'm just gonna ramble on and see what comes out, then post it and see if that helps. I doubt it, but I guess it's worth an hour of my time. I'll be frank and honest and some of it's probably hard to read, or not, I don't know. None of this is intended to worry anyone, and people falling over themselves to help isn't what I'm asking for. I doubt I'll leave this up for long.

My name is Jamie and I haven't a friend in the world. Not one. Not by the definition of the word anyway. People I know, people I bump into, sure, but no one I trust. No one I can confide in. No one I can call whenever I like, have a chat, loosen up, moan to, laugh with. Fucking no one. If you know how that is, you'll know how exhausting your own company can be. Every day can be a blur. You wake up, you potter about, you work your routine, and then you crawl back into bed, having barely lived at all. I have had friends, of course, but I've lost them all over the years. I don't know if it's my fault or theirs. A bit of both, I expect. I know I've lost one or two to drugs and drink, with those things becoming more important to them, but in general, I've just lost touch with people and I don't even know where they are now, it's been so long.

Some will find that amusing, I suppose. Whatever. If you have just one person in your life you can trust without reservation, you're lucky. Personally, I feel like I've had nothing but bad luck and misery for going on 20 years. Gambling addictions, failed relationships, unemployment, manic depression. Every day involves me wondering how and when something else goes bad. I've said this before quite a bit, and it's still the best way I can describe it; every day is like looking through a window at a party you weren't invited to. Everyone having fun, getting on, doing their thing, enjoying life. Doing what they're 'supposed' to be doing, i.e. living. Growing as people. Falling for each other. Having children. Creating their own memories. I'll never have that. It's been that way for so long, it's almost as if I'm not allowed to have it. It's completely unobtainable, and if there's the slightest sign that something might change, that light is extinguished every time.

I don't believe in God. I'm not sure what I DO believe in, but it's more like this world just isn't real somehow. Like it's just in my mind, or as if I'm some kind of experiment, the point of which appears to be to make me watch others, while who-the-fuck-ever watches ME and how I deal with it all. Loading it on top of me to see when I'll break. Things just don't add up or make sense, and bad luck seems to follow me everywhere. I can alienate myself at the drop of a fucking hat, barely trying. If I get close to someone, they'll turn, or let me down in some way. If I let my guard down, someone will do or say something that makes me put it back up. This doesn't even have to be intentional on their part. Often it'll just be some other way of looking at something, of speaking about something, that I take exception to because maybe I expect them to be perfect or to think the exact same way I do. This happens so often that it's genuinely like a routine now - a trap laid out for me to fall into for cosmic giggles. A giant reset switch. I've had several relationships, but they've all ended badly one way or another. I envy people who've managed to split with someone and remain friends. I've no idea what that feels like. It's got to the point now where I just don't bother. I've 'retired'.

I'm a private person. I don't put up any pictures of myself or let on too many details about my private life. Even doing this is filling me with dread. I don't have a Facebook account, Instagram or whatever. I don't do Tinder. I don't snap chat or face time. I don't Skype. I don't have multiple profiles or pictures of my last night out with friends. I don't see the point in any of it (I don't have any friends to take pictures with anyway). Again - it's what other people do, it's not what I'm supposed to be a part of.

I reckon people tend to think that anyone like I've just described is somehow repulsively ugly or ashamed of how they look, and that's the reason they don't put themselves out there. I wouldn't say it's as simple as that. I'm not ashamed of my looks, I just don't want anyone to comment on them, full stop, good or bad. I'm not strong enough. It's far far easier to maintain the anonymity you're afforded with a 'dummy' profile, which is why for all my time online I've forever been one. That isn't to say people haven't tried to find out things about me. They really have. I've had my address shared online, google earth pictures of my home, someone even managed to find my phone number once and started to share it, just in case anyone wanted to make my life unbearable, you know, like I apparently deserve.

I've hurt people. I've insulted people. I've argued unnecessarily with people over nothing at all, just to make myself feel alive. I've made people hate me. I've made people talk about me all the time, for years, and they've been only too happy to do so, making up all kinds of nonsense and outlandish rumours and stories that barely make any sense the moment you start to question them. Some have clearly enjoyed it, too. They still do. Right now, some will be reading this and giddily looking forward to sharing it and laughing. Fuck knows why. Within weeks they'll be sharing some advice about mental health issues or telling people to open up, perhaps even lamenting the passing of someone who suffered.

I could show you things people have said, screen snaps and links, and you'd be amazed at the levels people have stooped to. You'd think I'd scarred them for life or hurt them physically, not just argued with them at some point on the internet. Some know lots about this, others know nothing, but I guarantee you you'll have 'heard' something. I've even been the topic of discussion - between groups of people I've never met - while they've been out for drinks. Rumours, lies, stories, which have somehow passed into lore. I almost respect just how convincing they've made it without a shred of proof. Fair fucking play. I mean, you know, apart from how you've managed to make my life much worse than it needed to be, fair play. Some will see this as me whinging about something unimportant, expecting people to feel sorry for me, but it's really not. It's more a way of showing how behaviour (that somehow people think is ok) can stay with someone and follow them around, whether they like it or not. Groups of people can really drag you through it. Unfortunately, those you think you're close to can, too.

I can't escape the idea I keep coming back to that, once my parents are gone, I'll seek to 'end things' myself. I'll truly be on my own from that day on and I just see no point in being so. My existence seems pointless to me NOW, it's ridiculous to think it won't be a hundred times worse then. There won't be anyone here to know it's even happened anyway. I do have brothers, but they're married and have their own families now. I haven't even seen or spoken to one of them in over two years. Growing old with no one around you, lonely and falling apart. The very thought of it is gut-wrenching. One or two people know I've said this before, and I'll say the same thing here I said to them - I don't want to 'worry' anyone with it because that really isn't my intention. Nor do I want people to think I'm absolutely suicidal and could "do something silly" any moment. I'm not, I promise you. I care too much about what it might do to those I love. They don't deserve it. My parents have given me everything, so there's no way I'd put them through something like that. I don't need an intervention and it isn't something I've considered 5 minutes ago before I wrote it down. It's not a sudden cry for help. I've felt this way for years. It doesn't even feel weird for me to think this way anymore. Maybe something will change one day and this will all seem like just a bad dream, but it hasn't so far.

Fuck knows why I'm doing this. I'm just pouring things out for the first time. Felt like doing so in case anyone feels the same, and so they can then feel they're not completely alone. It'll come as a shock to some but not to all. Either way, it's the brutally honest truth I can't avoid. Every day is a struggle, but I've perfected my mask.
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Re: Struggling with depression
« Reply #6777 on: April 17, 2019, 12:54:27 PM »
Mate just passed me this link to a lad who used to post on here and who i used to get on with,as did a lot of others.Until recently I thought he'd left twitter etc cos of the whole Hani shite but Royhendo made me aware of his new account..

Is that Dr. Manhattan?
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Re: Struggling with depression
« Reply #6778 on: April 17, 2019, 01:50:48 PM »
Is that Dr. Manhattan?
Aye,mate.Well thats who my mate said it was

Funny,used to talk to him a bit on here and dont think he ever let on his name was Jamie
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Re: Struggling with depression
« Reply #6779 on: April 17, 2019, 04:03:04 PM »
Reading that seems like a good example of how the internet can mess you up. He's unhappy and lonely in real life, so created this online larger-than-life alpha persona and dished a load out, and done the whole "chill out it's only the internet" thing. Then he's been genuinely hurt by people's reactions.

I have real sympathy about the loneliness and depression, but the problems stemming from the online stuff are purely of his own making.

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Re: Struggling with depression
« Reply #6780 on: April 17, 2019, 05:08:53 PM »
Reading that seems like a good example of how the internet can mess you up. He's unhappy and lonely in real life, so created this online larger-than-life alpha persona and dished a load out, and done the whole "chill out it's only the internet" thing. Then he's been genuinely hurt by people's reactions.

I have real sympathy about the loneliness and depression, but the problems stemming from the online stuff are purely of his own making.
Yup,agree with that mate
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Re: Struggling with depression
« Reply #6781 on: April 25, 2019, 05:17:39 AM »
I don't know who that person is.

But I recognise a lot of what he says
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Re: Struggling with depression
« Reply #6782 on: April 25, 2019, 09:09:46 AM »
After feeling I was getting better, since early Feb, I have started to feel like shit again. With the anniversaries of my Mums and wifes stepdads birthdays passing on the 23rd and 24th of Feb and the upset that always causes, then mothers day being the day before the 12th Anniversay of my Mums death, the father in law dying on the 9th of this month, the 3rd anniversary of the step father in law dying on the 17th and the funeral yesterday, it seems to have just dragged me right down. I'm also getting narkier with the kids and upsetting the wife as she feels I am distant from her, so my marriage needs work again.

Time to log into SilverCloud again and work through my CBT once again. We're due to go to Florida in 4 weeks, which I am looking forward to, but right now I just feel like going off work sick again.

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Re: Struggling with depression
« Reply #6783 on: April 25, 2019, 09:47:39 AM »
I think (I'm quite sure actually) that I have a long history of depression but didn't ever get it checked by a doctor and when push came to shove some 7/8 years ago and I started feeling very suicidal, I told my sister and some of my best mates. Back then I had a few epiphanies that allowed me to fight it and get over it for a few years. Now, at 31, I feel it all starting to come back. The emptiness, the numbness, the lack of feeling for anything, the lack of motivation to do anything to change this, the rampant cynicism, the aloofness, the preference for solitude, the early thoughts about whether my life is really worth much; they all seem to be coming back.

I moved cities a couple of years ago and just haven't met too many people that I click with even as friends, lost close relatives including my Dad in the last 12 months, which I think contributes to the feeling again. But, it probably shouldn't be this way all things considered. I'm writing this post after having just received some very good news that had me excited for about 5 minutes before dissipating into nothingness. It's all feels dull as fuck and I'm just not having fun anymore with anything. It all feels like Johnny Rotten going "Ever get the feeling you've been cheated?".
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Re: Struggling with depression
« Reply #6784 on: April 25, 2019, 08:40:10 PM »
I think (I'm quite sure actually) that I have a long history of depression but didn't ever get it checked by a doctor and when push came to shove some 7/8 years ago and I started feeling very suicidal, I told my sister and some of my best mates. Back then I had a few epiphanies that allowed me to fight it and get over it for a few years. Now, at 31, I feel it all starting to come back. The emptiness, the numbness, the lack of feeling for anything, the lack of motivation to do anything to change this, the rampant cynicism, the aloofness, the preference for solitude, the early thoughts about whether my life is really worth much; they all seem to be coming back.

I moved cities a couple of years ago and just haven't met too many people that I click with even as friends, lost close relatives including my Dad in the last 12 months, which I think contributes to the feeling again. But, it probably shouldn't be this way all things considered. I'm writing this post after having just received some very good news that had me excited for about 5 minutes before dissipating into nothingness. It's all feels dull as fuck and I'm just not having fun anymore with anything. It all feels like Johnny Rotten going "Ever get the feeling you've been cheated?".

The line in bold felt very familiar to me. There is a condition called Anhedonia which is closely linked to depression. Basically, it leaves you struggling to find any enjoyment from things you would normally find pleasurable. I've gone through periods of this myself, and it's absolutely horrible.

There is a brief overview of Anhedonia in this link which may or may not feel relevant to you. https://www.healthline.com/health/depression/anhedonia

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Offline hulksagoodboy

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Re: Struggling with depression
« Reply #6785 on: May 7, 2019, 08:30:14 PM »
Yup,agree with that mate

If he is genuinely feeling those type of ways and it sounds like he wants to disassociate from the persona he has put out there online, then why doesn't he try doing something a bit different and look for a therapist to open up to and start working on these issues? Cool, you were a shitrag for the past however many years its been, doesn't mean you need to continue being one.

Easy enough having a go at how shit your luck is and how it won't change if you do anything for it. Maybe he needs to to take a visceral look on how he has an affect on his and others in those regards when it comes to that outlook.

Willing to put a wager on his parents wanting that, whether they're here in the physical or not, for him to be his happiest and best form of self. Nobody is just going to give that to you.

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Re: Struggling with depression
« Reply #6786 on: May 9, 2019, 08:59:38 AM »
If he is genuinely feeling those type of ways and it sounds like he wants to disassociate from the persona he has put out there online, then why doesn't he try doing something a bit different and look for a therapist to open up to and start working on these issues? Cool, you were a shitrag for the past however many years its been, doesn't mean you need to continue being one.

Easy enough having a go at how shit your luck is and how it won't change if you do anything for it. Maybe he needs to to take a visceral look on how he has an affect on his and others in those regards when it comes to that outlook.

Willing to put a wager on his parents wanting that, whether they're here in the physical or not, for him to be his happiest and best form of self. Nobody is just going to give that to you.
This is what i find bizarre. I dont think he realizes the way he behaves. Saying that,maybe he does,as i sometimes feel all this is planned to get attention.

After reading that again, i feel its scripted/contrived
 
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Re: Struggling with depression
« Reply #6787 on: May 9, 2019, 09:02:09 AM »
Cool, you were a shitrag for the past however many years its been, doesn't mean you need to continue being one..
;D
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Offline Red Berry

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Re: Struggling with depression
« Reply #6788 on: May 11, 2019, 12:19:54 AM »
Got the letter for my ESA face to face assessment today.  Phoned round like a maniac seeing if I can get somebody to go with me, no joy so far.

Freaking out.  Just moved into Toxteth, a new GP that I've not even visited yet.  They want me in Bootle at 9.25am on May 29th - and knowing these punks they'll say if I can make it in at that time then I'm clearly okay to work.  Tried to change it, but you're only allowed to change it ONCE!  I asked for the reasoning behind this and the lady admitted she didn't know - it was just a rule the DWP had put in.

I'll be cutting myself by the end of the month.  Absolutely terrified.
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Re: Struggling with depression
« Reply #6789 on: May 11, 2019, 06:00:48 PM »
Got the letter for my ESA face to face assessment today.  Phoned round like a maniac seeing if I can get somebody to go with me, no joy so far.

Freaking out.  Just moved into Toxteth, a new GP that I've not even visited yet.  They want me in Bootle at 9.25am on May 29th - and knowing these punks they'll say if I can make it in at that time then I'm clearly okay to work.  Tried to change it, but you're only allowed to change it ONCE!  I asked for the reasoning behind this and the lady admitted she didn't know - it was just a rule the DWP had put in.

I'll be cutting myself by the end of the month.  Absolutely terrified.
I just messaged a mate of mine, and she suggested you contact an organisation called Fightback 4 Justice. They're a national organisation who help people with this sort of thing - they helped my mate with her PIP assessment.

My mate also says that if they can't help to let her know and she'll see what her colleagues in Liverpool suggest - she does a lot of work for disabled people's rights and has contacts all over the place.

Hope that's of some use to you mate  :)

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Re: Struggling with depression
« Reply #6790 on: May 11, 2019, 06:17:11 PM »
Further to the above post, the Benefits and Work website can be good for information and advice on getting support with your claim.

https://www.benefitsandwork.co.uk/

Best of luck, Red Berry. Take care of yourself.
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Re: Struggling with depression
« Reply #6791 on: May 11, 2019, 08:11:53 PM »
Hey

I haven't been here for a while. Been stuggling real bad. Not even Liverpool doing well could cheer me up. Yeah, it was that bad. I've gained a lot of weight and feel like a shadow of my former self. Ha! That sounds like I'm up myself but I used to feel pretty, I don't anymore. Last week I had some very dark thoughts but my best friend gave me a kick up the butt and told me to get some help so I did. I've been struggling with my sleeping patterns because I work shifts and that doesn't help the depression.

Anyway, I've started on antihistamins and they're working wonders. I sleep a lot better now and I think lack of sleep has been a major contributor to my depression. Changing my diet is my next step.

I have started some classes as well so that I can apply to the Uni of Stockholm to study marine biology. I need a fair few classes before I can actually be considered. But one step at a time.

It's all been a mess but now I feel better again and I'm excited about Liverpool of course. Hopefully Brighton can do us a favour tomorrow.

Get help if you feel like shit. It gets better.

YNWA

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Re: Struggling with depression
« Reply #6792 on: May 19, 2019, 08:26:18 PM »
Internally Screaming tonight.

One of those situations where you want to share how you feel, but can't because you either don't want to come across as an attention whore, or have those you care about worry about you.  (Already had a friend remove sharp objects from my flat yesterday.)

Feel like I should have either a diazepam or beer.  I want neither.
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Offline Red Berry

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Re: Struggling with depression
« Reply #6793 on: May 19, 2019, 08:27:29 PM »
Hey

I haven't been here for a while. Been stuggling real bad. Not even Liverpool doing well could cheer me up. Yeah, it was that bad. I've gained a lot of weight and feel like a shadow of my former self. Ha! That sounds like I'm up myself but I used to feel pretty, I don't anymore. Last week I had some very dark thoughts but my best friend gave me a kick up the butt and told me to get some help so I did. I've been struggling with my sleeping patterns because I work shifts and that doesn't help the depression.

Anyway, I've started on antihistamins and they're working wonders. I sleep a lot better now and I think lack of sleep has been a major contributor to my depression. Changing my diet is my next step.

I have started some classes as well so that I can apply to the Uni of Stockholm to study marine biology. I need a fair few classes before I can actually be considered. But one step at a time.

It's all been a mess but now I feel better again and I'm excited about Liverpool of course. Hopefully Brighton can do us a favour tomorrow.

Get help if you feel like shit. It gets better.

YNWA

Good to hear from you pal.  Glad you are taking some positive steps.  Hope things improve for you soon.
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Offline Red Berry

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Re: Struggling with depression
« Reply #6794 on: May 19, 2019, 08:38:02 PM »
I just messaged a mate of mine, and she suggested you contact an organisation called Fightback 4 Justice. They're a national organisation who help people with this sort of thing - they helped my mate with her PIP assessment.

My mate also says that if they can't help to let her know and she'll see what her colleagues in Liverpool suggest - she does a lot of work for disabled people's rights and has contacts all over the place.

Hope that's of some use to you mate  :)

Further to the above post, the Benefits and Work website can be good for information and advice on getting support with your claim.

https://www.benefitsandwork.co.uk/

Best of luck, Red Berry. Take care of yourself.

Thanks for the advice.  I managed to get some help from a place called Voice Ability.  I am meeting my advocate tomorrow.  Can't come soon enough as I feel like I'm coming unglued some days.  Been spending loads of time in bed, which is very unlike me.  I'm just exhausted emotionally.
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Offline Nitramdorf

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Re: Struggling with depression
« Reply #6795 on: May 19, 2019, 09:44:25 PM »
Thanks for the advice.  I managed to get some help from a place called Voice Ability.  I am meeting my advocate tomorrow.  Can't come soon enough as I feel like I'm coming unglued some days.  Been spending loads of time in bed, which is very unlike me.  I'm just exhausted emotionally.

Hang in there my friend. I wish I could help or have some words of wisdom for you.
I am thinking of you and hoping your week goes ok. Best wishes.

Offline Red Berry

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Re: Struggling with depression
« Reply #6796 on: May 19, 2019, 10:07:10 PM »
Hang in there my friend. I wish I could help or have some words of wisdom for you.
I am thinking of you and hoping your week goes ok. Best wishes.

Thank you.  I've recently joined a men's group.  I desperately need stronger and more positive male influence in my life after years of being dominated by toxic masculinity and being everybody's favourite gal pal.

Resorted to taking a diazapam tonight.  It's rare for me to take more than one in a week, but thankfully I've got some to spare right now.  Made a lot more sense than trying to tough things out.  Still, it's annoying that I'm not able to regulate my emotions better and being so insecure.
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Re: Struggling with depression
« Reply #6797 on: May 21, 2019, 04:56:08 PM »
Thanks all. I just really don’t know what to do at the minute 😔.

Reading that was really tough, I can relate with some things, but the only thing I can tell you is that to keep your head up and use this disappointment and anger and turn something positive out of it. Whether it's to work on yourself, or going out and traveling doing something to keep your mind occupied and positive. It will take time, but one step at a time. use this as motivation to keep doing better for yourself.

I wish you all the best mate

Offline deFacto

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Re: Struggling with depression
« Reply #6798 on: May 21, 2019, 04:59:47 PM »
If anyone ever needs to talk, I’m here. This thread quite literally helped to save my life - without it, I doubt I’d be here and where I am in life. There’s a post above about sometimes it has to get worse in order to get better and I can promise it’s not just a cliché.

After I tried to take my own life, my little brother followed suit and tried to throw himself off a motorway bridge. The second time, I stopped him while cars slowed down to look, but never stopped - that was my lowest point.

From there it did get better. It sounds so hard, but you have to look forward, stop feeling like you’re dragging people down and just talk. I fucking guarantee that anyone who means anything in your life will spare that 10 minutes if it helps. You’re not a burden. RAWK’s here for you. Also, up the fucking Redmen.

Pleased that you're doing so much better!  :)

Offline Red Berry

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Re: Struggling with depression
« Reply #6799 on: May 26, 2019, 10:03:12 PM »
Just to update everyone, I'm doing much better.  I'm going to add an image to this post that explains how I feel when I have a borderline episode, but I don't want anyone to worry about it as it's purely for information.

In other news, I'm continuing to work on my art to develop a greeting cards set.  This is one of my latest efforts, Sefton Park Palm House.  Thought I'd share it in the hopes it would cheer people up.  I'm in the midst of editing it mind - there's too much junk in the centre around the Palm House, so I'm editing it out. ;D

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