Author Topic: Survivors: Talk about it, share it, we'll try to help  (Read 141217 times)

Offline Frank.

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Re: Ok, here goes... Survivors: Here.
« Reply #200 on: April 20, 2011, 05:08:15 AM »
Must have took something to get that off your chest Sean mate, well done for doing it. I'm sure your two lads are very proud of you too and and will and do completely what happened that day and why it's so important to yourself and all other reds, I've been in a bit of a rut recently feeling very down but from April 15th I realised what I had and posts like yours particularly the last paragraph remind of that, life is to short to mope about and be down all the time live life to the full potential.

RIP Ian, Dave Paul & Keith.

YNWA.

Offline justval

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Re: Ok, here goes... Survivors: Here.
« Reply #201 on: April 20, 2011, 09:12:56 AM »
A very moving post to read. I can empathise with so many of them feelings. Respect and much love.
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Offline Veinticinco de Mayo

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Re: Ok, here goes... Survivors: Here.
« Reply #202 on: April 20, 2011, 09:24:27 AM »
Bloody hell Sean.  I've just had to take a walk out of the office and "get some air" after reading that.  Thanks for posting it and I hope it helped a little to share it.  All the best mate.
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Offline Glorious Future

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Re: Ok, here goes... Survivors: Here.
« Reply #203 on: April 20, 2011, 12:12:57 PM »
Talk about it, even if it's with yourself (until you're able to talk more easily to others), post here or wherever you can, tell your story, from the very start, to the present if you need.

Sometimes it is the finest and most innocent details that haunt, and then there are the most disturbing memories that we can possibly have - in my opinion, they need to come out.

The biggest problem we have had is often the guilt. It stops us talking and stops us taking care of ourselves. Don't allow guilt to overcome. If you spell out what really happened to you and to those around you, what you really did, you'll start to let rational thoughts at least compete fairly with the others.

I have met a number of amazing people who don't think listening is a chore and won't lose respect for you because you are upset or disturbed on occasion. You'll find them too if you give yourself the chance.

And lastly, thanks to those same people, I feel that whether you are religious minded or not, it helps to form a bond with those who have gone and 'talk' to them. They are there in my mind at many times in my life, I take them with me almost everywhere and I share the good times and the bad with them. Sounds ridiculous, but it helps me to cope.

To all who write or talk about very personal things here, or anywhere, I think it's the right thing to do and I think it's very brave.

Walk on.
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Offline justval

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Re: Ok, here goes... Survivors: Here.
« Reply #204 on: April 20, 2011, 12:25:39 PM »
I think the thing is finding the most appropriate place to talk about it or write about it. That is certainly where I have struggled over the years. There is not much opportunity to share my experiences living where I do...and I always have this sense of guilt about sharing anything with people. Why inflict people with such horror?  I always wondered if people really did want to listen or if they were just being polite...I mean it is not like they would understand what it feels like to be crushed or would understand the horror of hanging off a dead man's arm as the weight of the crush and his arm slowly killed you...except in my case, it didn't kill me. I was revived on the pitch by a Liverpool fan named Tony..apparantly he saved a lot of people that day.

One of the reasons why I joined here really as I knew that there would be people who understand, who know what it was like, who experience the same feelings as I do year after year and have not just read about it in a history book or seen it on the news when it is another anniversary and another year that has gone by with questions unanswered and justice not done. There is something in every post I have read so far on here, as heart wrenching as they are, that I can relate to and understand fully.

Respect to all. JFT 96.
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Offline Glorious Future

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Re: Ok, here goes... Survivors: Here.
« Reply #205 on: April 20, 2011, 12:57:34 PM »
justval

If you come to the memorial next year, drop me a line and come and talk. I limit my talking about it to that day as that's how I've found I manage best, but that's not to say that's the right way.

I made a lot of efforts a few years ago to talk and write about it whenever I could and that has helped me put it in the right place for me in my mind and life. That doesn't mean I don't think about it all the time.

But what it does mean is that for me, I limit real thinking or feeling about it to around the 15th April and I am more than prepared, as I am sure others would be, to speak with you and anyone about your feelings and thoughts, whatever they are, concerning what happened that day and after.

As I say, drop me a line here if/when you feel like it and stay in touch. Next year, come and talk about things if you want to.

PS macca888, I have been thinking over your post and it upset me, as it should and I hope you're ok. I am so sorry for the loss of friends and it saddens me very much when I hear that people have taken their lives.

I can relate to one thing in particular about family birthdays. I can only think it might be an idea to celebrate fully in the evening before, then the morning and day of the lads' birthdays (perhaps book the day off work and keep the kids off school-dodgy shout that I know but for this it's worth it), and then have a cut off point after which you had to get on with sorting how you feel yourself. This way, they know how much you are trying to give your all while also letting them see you have/share with you what you need too.

Everyone has to grieve/morn loss in their own way.
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Offline Veinticinco de Mayo

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Re: Survivors: Talk about it, share it, we'll try to help
« Reply #206 on: April 20, 2011, 12:58:04 PM »
Made this a sticky and changed the title.  I hope you are OK with that GF.  Just wanted to make it clear that this thread was there for anyone who wanted to use it
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Offline No666

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Re: Survivors: Talk about it, share it, we'll try to help
« Reply #207 on: April 20, 2011, 01:37:52 PM »
Sean - that was one time when a post is so mind-blowingly sincere and intelligent and moving there's almost no point posting afterwards - except to let you know it.
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Offline Glorious Future

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Re: Survivors: Talk about it, share it, we'll try to help
« Reply #208 on: April 20, 2011, 03:42:22 PM »
No prob at all Veinticinqo - I'm glad you have on both counts.
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Offline Glorious Future

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Re: Survivors: Talk about it, share it, we'll try to help
« Reply #209 on: April 21, 2011, 09:05:30 AM »
Maccakhan, that's a very well written account. It goes beyond what happened to you and into a lot of the surrounding circumstances and I'd ask anyone with misunderstandings about Hillsborough to read that.

As it happens, it was quite unnerving at points to read as I followed a very familiar 'path' as you through to the point of being on the pitch and beyond. I have never located anyone who was stood immediately next to me, not including my sister, and among many things, one thing I always wondered was if a gentleman who was struggling severely whose coat I had held onto to help him made it through.

You reminded me that I never knew of any of the 'game' had happened until well after, and other things.

Thanks for posting your account, mate. Be proud of writing that.
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Offline justval

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Re: Survivors: Talk about it, share it, we'll try to help
« Reply #210 on: April 21, 2011, 09:49:37 AM »
What a truly excellent post. Very moving and there are parts of it that would appear in my account of my day at Hillsborough.

West Midlands Police came to interview me at work...they even tried to confisacte my ticket..said they wanted it for evidence...but I refused to give them it....at the time, the gutter rag was full of stories saying ticketless fans had caused it all, that we were pissed, we robbed the dead and that we had pissed on the brave policemen as they tried valiently to save us. What utter bollocks. I gave them a photocopy of it..and I still have the ticket to this day..I let my son have it as part of a school project when he was about 9 or 10 when they were doing "on this day in history" and they had do 2 events in different years but on the same day. The date his teacher gave him at random was 15th April.

It broke my heart when he was given that day..but I wanted him to know as much of the story as he could understand at the age he was. I had always kept the press cuttings, even from THAT rag becuase one day I wanted him to know about his mum's life before he was born and why she was no good with crowds. I wanted to be able to tell him the truth.  I was in quite a few press clippings...even he recognised his mum as a 20 year old. So I told him the facts, of how 96 people died due to police incompetance and how the families had been denied justice and access to the truth ever since. To this day, I have never told my son what happened to me..he just knows I was there and that I was dragged out and resucitated on the pitch.

I took him to his first ever trip to Anfield just after Istanbul..he was awestruck and became silent when I paid my respects at the memorial. Since then, every year on the anniversary, he has paid his own respects in his own way. I feel a little guilty in a way that what happened to me prevented me from taking him to see Liverpool play "live". Like he has missed out really.
He doesnt hold it against me though and I have promised I will take him one day. He is 18 now though and could go on his own..but he wants to go with his mum.  He goes to other matches, local lower league ones...but it's not the same..watching Donny Rovers instead of the mighty Reds who he has supported since he could walk and talk.

It is like Hillsborough not only changed my life, but it has affected the whole of his life too. That, I resent very deeply..and yet I blame myself for this for being so affected by it all even to this day.

« Last Edit: April 21, 2011, 10:21:36 AM by justval »
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Offline Glorious Future

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Re: Survivors: Talk about it, share it, we'll try to help
« Reply #211 on: April 21, 2011, 10:18:41 AM »
Mate, it is bound to have affected all sorts of people. It's just the way it is.

I have two daughters who know very well the effects on me and others and they take it pretty much in their stride. I have an ex who texts me now and again with words that only someone who understands could say (let's just add she only fully understood years after she had got rid).

My parents feel guilt because they weren't in the country when it happened and they saw what happened to their 'kids' once they came back. They feel shite because they went through two or three hours of hell not knowing if we were alive. Friends who've had to watch some extreme behaviour at times. I could go on and on. It's just the way it is and I think it would be unnatural if people around us weren't affected in some way. If I had family affected by something, I'd want to know about it and share their worries and comfort them.

I'd add that my daughters are always proud to tell me they've corrected some arse**** who has spouted some shite about that day and the rest. They also pay their respects to the 96. They aren't yet 16 years of age and they know how to put adults right and to respect people they never knew. That makes me proud.
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Offline the invisible man

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Re: Survivors: Talk about it, share it, we'll try to help
« Reply #212 on: April 21, 2011, 03:15:00 PM »
Mate, it is bound to have affected all sorts of people. It's just the way it is.

I have two daughters who know very well the effects on me and others and they take it pretty much in their stride. I have an ex who texts me now and again with words that only someone who understands could say (let's just add she only fully understood years after she had got rid).

My parents feel guilt because they weren't in the country when it happened and they saw what happened to their 'kids' once they came back. They feel shite because they went through two or three hours of hell not knowing if we were alive. Friends who've had to watch some extreme behaviour at times. I could go on and on. It's just the way it is and I think it would be unnatural if people around us weren't affected in some way. If I had family affected by something, I'd want to know about it and share their worries and comfort them.

I'd add that my daughters are always proud to tell me they've corrected some arse**** who has spouted some shite about that day and the rest. They also pay their respects to the 96. They aren't yet 16 years of age and they know how to put adults right and to respect people they never knew. That makes me proud.

well done glorious lad..... real words from a real person....

perhaps those who are in power will see that justice is finally done...

for us all....  ynwa
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Offline macca888

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Re: Survivors: Talk about it, share it, we'll try to help
« Reply #213 on: April 26, 2011, 06:43:29 PM »
I would just like to say a big thank you to everyone. Just writing it down for the first time, rather than letting the thoughts run round and round, and reading your responses has really helped me. Thank you all so much. And for all the people who have shared their own personal stories, thoughts and feelings, I hope it has helped you as well. Things like this thread, things like hearing Gerard Houllier being sang on Saturday, and so much more, make me proud to be a Red and a member of RAWK.
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Offline John C

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Re: Survivors: Talk about it, share it, we'll try to help
« Reply #214 on: April 26, 2011, 10:47:59 PM »
I've just read this thread for the first time. You're accounts of the day are simply astonishing.

Offline Red_Mist

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Re: Survivors: Talk about it, share it, we'll try to help
« Reply #215 on: April 27, 2011, 11:41:04 PM »
There's no words that can describe this thread. The utmost respect to all of you that have put your experiences into words. Thoughts with you all. You will never walk alone.

Offline Shanks1965

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Re: Survivors: Talk about it, share it, we'll try to help
« Reply #216 on: May 24, 2011, 08:35:25 PM »
OK I just need to let this out and this is the only place I can find to do it.

I listened today to the news that the policeman who pushed Ian Tomlinson over, leading to his sudden death is to be charged with manslaughter. Can someone tell me why the policeman I watched climb up onto the fence at the Leppings Lane, just to push a fan who was trying to climb out back into the densely packed crowd below, will never be charged with the same thing?

« Last Edit: May 24, 2011, 08:50:49 PM by Shanks1965 »
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Offline Veinticinco de Mayo

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Re: Survivors: Talk about it, share it, we'll try to help
« Reply #217 on: June 12, 2011, 10:50:40 AM »
His defence will be that he was unaware of what was happening and he was just following orders.  Same goes for the copper in the upper tier who we were yelling at to do something.

In fairness I don't think there is much appetite amongst survivors to pursue the individual officers on the ground on that day, they're probably dealing with their own demons about what happened and what they did or didn't do.   The people I want to see brought to justice are those in charge, those whose poor planning and dreadful descision making on the day lead to the disaster unfolding. Those who then pressured officers to change their statements, those who fed THOSE lies to Bernard Ingham's poodles in the press.  In  many ways those individual coppers mentioned above were as let down by the people above them as we as survivors were.
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Offline Shanks1965

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Re: Survivors: Talk about it, share it, we'll try to help
« Reply #218 on: June 12, 2011, 03:04:12 PM »
Yes I know mate and you are right, thanks. It's one of the things that has stayed with me all these years. Seeing that from the upper tier I was lucky, many people saw much worse things than that but I often have wondered what happened to that lad and if he ever made it out alive or not.
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Offline Gregory Vignal

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Re: Survivors: Talk about it, share it, we'll try to help
« Reply #219 on: June 22, 2011, 07:44:20 PM »
The coach I travelled to on the day got stuck in traffic on the M56 near Stockport, then when we left the motorway slip road at Sheffield the police came on board checking everyone had tickets and there was no alcohol.

In the end we finally got outside the ground at 2.45, but could not get to the turnstiles as a blue wrought iron gate was shut. A bloke shouted that his 2 lads were getting crushed against the gate so about 500 people took two steps back. Then a copper on horseback opened up the gate to the turnstiles so everyone moved forward. If there was crushing outside the turnstiles, then why was this gate opened? The crush outside the turnstiles should have eased before letting more people into this area.

Offline BobbyDavro

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Re: Survivors: Talk about it, share it, we'll try to help
« Reply #220 on: July 13, 2011, 01:19:29 PM »
Hope it's ok to put this here, but does anyone have the name of any psychologists/therapists who have helped anyone affected?  I've done the usual searches and not found anything.

Offline Shanks1965

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Re: Survivors: Talk about it, share it, we'll try to help
« Reply #221 on: July 13, 2011, 07:57:43 PM »
Hope it's ok to put this here, but does anyone have the name of any psychologists/therapists who have helped anyone affected?  I've done the usual searches and not found anything.

Sending you a message mate.
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Offline Rafette

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Re: Survivors: Talk about it, share it, we'll try to help
« Reply #222 on: August 17, 2011, 07:21:54 PM »
Jesus, I've just worked my way through this thread- some truly gut wrenching posts.

I kept reading the word "guilt". It breaks my heart that so many of you have, or still do, carry it with you. Not one of you who has posted, or the many others who feel they can't, or don't want to, should be burdened with guilt. That's for someone else far away from these forums to bear.

The only word I wish for you all is "justice".

YNWA xxx
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Offline Birdontheshirt

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Re: Survivors: Talk about it, share it, we'll try to help
« Reply #223 on: August 20, 2011, 08:42:34 AM »
Hope it's ok to put this here, but does anyone have the name of any psychologists/therapists who have helped anyone affected?  I've done the usual searches and not found anything.


Just seen your post and as it's a month old, hopefully you've found what you need. But if not, message me.
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Offline God11

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Re: Survivors: Talk about it, share it, we'll try to help
« Reply #224 on: October 5, 2011, 04:32:12 PM »
Just found a podcast I produced a few years ago. It's the story of the events of Hillsborough as told by Kenny Derbyshire, chairman of the Hillsborough Justice Campaign. He also talks about the fight for justice. It was a university project but I've decided to put it on YouTube so others can hear what is, like so many others from that day, a harrowing, saddening and unfathomable story. I can't post in the main forums so if anyone feels this should be reposted elsewhere, please do. Many thanks.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DBBU26Y2t7M

Offline RedMichelFerri

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Re: Survivors: Talk about it, share it, we'll try to help
« Reply #225 on: October 19, 2011, 02:15:30 PM »
That story from Sean just brought tears to my eyes. I can't imagine what those guys and Sean gone through.

RIP Ian, Dave Paul & Keith. YNWA

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Offline kaiserdave

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Re: Survivors: Talk about it, share it, we'll try to help
« Reply #226 on: October 29, 2011, 11:47:45 PM »
God bless you all. I wasn't born until March 1990, but I have grown up as a Liverpool fan and know what Hillsborough means to Reds at home and abroad. I interviewed a survivor last year for the 22nd anniversary. I hope to graduate next year as a journalist from the University of Limerick. It makes me sad to think of what some journalists did in the days, weeks, months and years following the tragedy. My dad is a garda (police officer) so it seems ironic (prob not the best word to use) that these two professions failed LFC fans on that tragic day. We are always told to hold people to account, to give a voice to people who are silenced, we are the watchdog of society.

All I can say is this: I will never forget the 96 and the lost generations. They will be my inspiration and when I graduate I hope I can help their families to get justice. God bless the 96 and god bless you (our heroic fans).
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Offline muz

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Re: Survivors: Talk about it, share it, we'll try to help
« Reply #227 on: October 30, 2011, 05:56:47 PM »
I was one of the early ones,first bus from sheffield railway station to hillsborough.got in the ground as the turnstiles opened at 1 o'clock.same ritual for every game for good luck and sat on the terrace in my usual speck,just to right of the goal,so i could have a good view of barnes causing havoc.same feeling of tension as usual and then at about 2.30pm,something happened,a rush forward from everybody but it was a slight struggle to go back again.didnt like it,so i forced myself to the back,ignoring all the abuse from everyone and stood back against a wall to the right side of the tunnel leading to the terrace.game starts and i'm pinned against the wall,totally unable to move,starting to panic a bit but beardsley hits the bar after a couple of minutes and everyone moves forward releasing me from the wall.game is suspended after 6 minutes,so i relax and wonder what the hell is going on.people are passed back over peoples heads and i help passing them up to the stand above.after a while,i decide to go through the tunnel and go to the unmanned terrace and watch whats happening.supporters carrying people on makeshift stretchers,ambulances finally come on to the pitch and all the police do is stand in a line on the half way line.nothing on the tannoy,i can remember,until the match is officially abandoned and were told to go home at around 4pm i think. walk back miles to the railway station,still having no real idea about what had happened,no radio,no mobile phone.got home at my usual time from a game and my family came rushing out to greet me before i had opened the door.
extraordinarily,i had been in the worst football disaster in history and not got a scratch,i was one of the lucky ones to be able to tell my story of the game.to the 96 who went to a game of football and not come back,i say i'm sorry and ynwa.
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Offline kaiserdave

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Re: Survivors: Talk about it, share it, we'll try to help
« Reply #228 on: October 31, 2011, 09:40:42 PM »
I was one of the early ones,first bus from sheffield railway station to hillsborough.got in the ground as the turnstiles opened at 1 o'clock.same ritual for every game for good luck and sat on the terrace in my usual speck,just to right of the goal,so i could have a good view of barnes causing havoc.same feeling of tension as usual and then at about 2.30pm,something happened,a rush forward from everybody but it was a slight struggle to go back again.didnt like it,so i forced myself to the back,ignoring all the abuse from everyone and stood back against a wall to the right side of the tunnel leading to the terrace.game starts and i'm pinned against the wall,totally unable to move,starting to panic a bit but beardsley hits the bar after a couple of minutes and everyone moves forward releasing me from the wall.game is suspended after 6 minutes,so i relax and wonder what the hell is going on.people are passed back over peoples heads and i help passing them up to the stand above.after a while,i decide to go through the tunnel and go to the unmanned terrace and watch whats happening.supporters carrying people on makeshift stretchers,ambulances finally come on to the pitch and all the police do is stand in a line on the half way line.nothing on the tannoy,i can remember,until the match is officially abandoned and were told to go home at around 4pm i think. walk back miles to the railway station,still having no real idea about what had happened,no radio,no mobile phone.got home at my usual time from a game and my family came rushing out to greet me before i had opened the door.
extraordinarily,i had been in the worst football disaster in history and not got a scratch,i was one of the lucky ones to be able to tell my story of the game.to the 96 who went to a game of football and not come back,i say i'm sorry and ynwa.


God bless you muz-you have nothing to be sorry for mate-you helped people on that tragic day. If anything, you were heroic-JFT96
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Offline JP!

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Re: Survivors: Talk about it, share it, we'll try to help
« Reply #229 on: February 5, 2012, 02:14:37 PM »
I wasn't there...I wasn't born. I just wanted to read this.

I love you all and I'm proud to campaign alongside you and support the same club as you.

Don't ever let the bastards win, we will have justice.

YNWA.

Offline subsy

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Re: Survivors: Talk about it, share it, we'll try to help
« Reply #230 on: March 23, 2012, 11:25:26 AM »
I wasn't at the match that fateful day. I was listening on the radio and heard events unfolding. I was 12 years old and I remember just feeling more scared and upset than I ever had before.

I just wanted to thank everyone in this thread for sharing your stories. It's been very emotional reading them and I feel priveleged for being able to do so.

YNWA.

Offline Shannon

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Re: Survivors: Talk about it, share it, we'll try to help
« Reply #231 on: March 27, 2012, 10:47:15 PM »
I have been a long time lurker on these boards and read every post on this thread and they touched me so much that I felt compelled to register and comment how incredible each of you survivors are and how affected many still are despite the fact that they may not have been in the area the crush happened.

This thread is testament to to the fact that fight for justice must continue.  God bless all who have contributed and Justice for not just the 96 but also their families, the survivors and anyone else whose lives have been indirectly affected.

Keep the flame for Justice burning to use an Irish quote; Tiocfaidh ár lá, our day will come. xo
“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.” Martin Luther King

Offline the invisible man

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Re: Survivors: Talk about it, share it, we'll try to help
« Reply #232 on: April 13, 2012, 03:14:54 AM »
I have been a long time lurker on these boards and read every post on this thread and they touched me so much that I felt compelled to register and comment how incredible each of you survivors are and how affected many still are despite the fact that they may not have been in the area the crush happened.

This thread is testament to to the fact that fight for justice must continue.  God bless all who have contributed and Justice for not just the 96 but also their families, the survivors and anyone else whose lives have been indirectly affected.

Keep the flame for Justice burning to use an Irish quote; Tiocfaidh ár lá, our day will come. xo

welcome  shannon, lurking is good and healthy...

those of us who visit these pages know the real truth and one day soon justice will be done.. for the 96..... here is a little poem i wrote today...


Grandpa's old hanky...

night passes by with a breath of fresh air
day dawns with a cool gentle breeze
the cracked yellow photograph sits on the mantle piece
the smiling faces bring only distant memories...

''what was grandpa like''
asks little Billy, on his 6th birthday morn
''he was a good man''
answers gran, sniffling into an old hanky, well worn...

''tell me, tell me''
insists the birthday boy Billy, an excited young lad
''why is he wearing a black n white scarf''
''it's red n white...'', smiles gran, ''it's just faded over time...''
''it's not that bad...

''where did he go...''
Billy continues on his inquisitive quest
''he just went to the match, and never came home''
said gran with a sniffle, a cough and a wheezy old chest...

she holds the old hanky very close to her heart
23 long years have kept them apart
she remembers quite clearly the day that he left
a flask of hot tea and his favourite old vest...

some cheese n tomato butties, and a packet of crisps
his red n white scarf, and ticket clutched tight
he ran out the door to catch the ''footy special'' train
with a smile and a kiss, never to come home again...

''grandpa was a lovely man'' says gran once more
clutching the old hanky, grandpa left on his chair
she never washes it cos it reminds her of him
she glances over to his chair, but of course he's not there...

Billy's running around, not a care in the world
any 6 year old kid has it all yet to learn
so whenever you see a young child who doesn't know the real truth
just break it to them gently, valuable education for our new youth...

Rest In Peace 96...

johnlemmon...@
t.i.m...

Offline mccred

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Re: Survivors: Talk about it, share it, we'll try to help
« Reply #233 on: April 15, 2012, 06:24:16 AM »
Great idea! Its now 10.24am and I have woken up with a lovely hangover ;)

Yet last night I was a mess....went to a friends place and had a lovely dinner, chat and a few drinks. Then headed off to catch a taxi......I knew what was building up inside! I had no intenetion of getting a taxi straight away. So off to the pub where I took two sips of a pint then its was straight outside.....balling my eyes out!  :'(

Its 17 years and Im 12,000 miles away now! You would think its would get easier.....but its the opposite! The last few years have gotten harder and harder to deal with this day....the reason is the internet. You see up until about 4 years ago I never 'surfed' the web........after Hillsborough I moved to London.....April 15 meant nothing to anyone.......then I moved to Oz 8 years later....again April 15 meant nothing to anyone. So in effect I had 'blocked' the day from my mind!

Then i got access to the net....all of a sudden I was reading accounts of that day from people who where probably just 10-20 feet away from me in that pen. It was amazing....for about 14 years I had bottled it all up, had nobody to speak who would understand and yet here before my eyes where stories that I could have literally wrote myself!

When I say its getting harder I probably just mean I get more emotional! Im doing now what I should have been doing 15 years ago....letting it all out! It feels better but I still think I have some way to go.....fuck I just wish I was in Liverpool and could speak face to face and give someone a hug who understands! But this will pass and I will get on with my life until the same time next year  :-\

I feel so much better for having a good cry last night! Does all this make sense to anyone or do I need some professional help ?  :)


I know its a six year old post but apart from a few minor details it could of been written by me, I was 17, cash in the pocket cause of being in work and making it to most games. Much easier and cheaper in those days. Two mates had tickets but I didn't, so we went early so I'd have a better chance of picking one up, got there about 11 and had a ticket within 10 minutes, 40 quid, worse 40 I've every spent or maybe the luckiest cause I would of probably have been by the gate that was opened. We got on the Leppings Lane about half 2, about 10 minutes later one of me mates said fuck this, I can't cope with this for 90 minutes, so I reluctantly moved to the side pens with them. We always stood behind the goal, for those who remember terracing, that's were the atmosphere was at its best.
Think we got on the pitch about half 3 to try and do something, remember some moron Forest fan taking a swing at someone as he was helping us rip an advertising board off. Can still see his face and a swell of anger every time I think of it.
After we left the ground, I was just in shock, saw all the ques for phones, people ringing home to tell their loved ones they were ok, it didn't even occur to me to call home, guess it was shock.
We bought a Sheffield Green Un walking back to the train station and on the very back page it had a one inch stop press saying 56(I think) were dead, leaving the ground I thought it might be 20 odd, then it just kept rising every time someone said some thing.
My sister was at the train station waiting for all the trains to see if I was on them, we rolled in on the very last one, couldn't understand why she was there, it just hadn't sunk in.
Took 3 days, walked in to work and just burst into tears, it was like being hit with a bat, think shock stopped all my emotions for the 3 days, then it all came at once.
Always dread today, think yesterdays semi final helped yesterday but I woke at 4 this morning and Hillsborough was my first thought.
Didn't handle it well in the following years, but that's another story. Took me years to realize I wasn't just a witness but a victim as well cause its something that changed my life and most definitely not for the better. been clean for 8 years now, don't think that's a path I would of walked if I hadn't gone that day.
On the day though, I think my family suffered more, not knowing, thinking they saw me on an advertizing board, having to wait till gone 11 to know that we had all came home safe and we were the lucky ones. 

Justice For The 96 and all its victims.
YNWA
Don't Ever,Ever Buy The Sun.

They who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety.

Offline the invisible man

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Re: Survivors: Talk about it, share it, we'll try to help
« Reply #234 on: April 15, 2012, 06:53:45 AM »
I know its a six year old post but apart from a few minor details it could of been written by me, I was 17, cash in the pocket cause of being in work and making it to most games. Much easier and cheaper in those days. Two mates had tickets but I didn't, so we went early so I'd have a better chance of picking one up, got there about 11 and had a ticket within 10 minutes, 40 quid, worse 40 I've every spent or maybe the luckiest cause I would of probably have been by the gate that was opened. We got on the Leppings Lane about half 2, about 10 minutes later one of me mates said fuck this, I can't cope with this for 90 minutes, so I reluctantly moved to the side pens with them. We always stood behind the goal, for those who remember terracing, that's were the atmosphere was at its best.
Think we got on the pitch about half 3 to try and do something, remember some moron Forest fan taking a swing at someone as he was helping us rip an advertising board off. Can still see his face and a swell of anger every time I think of it.
After we left the ground, I was just in shock, saw all the ques for phones, people ringing home to tell their loved ones they were ok, it didn't even occur to me to call home, guess it was shock.
We bought a Sheffield Green Un walking back to the train station and on the very back page it had a one inch stop press saying 56(I think) were dead, leaving the ground I thought it might be 20 odd, then it just kept rising every time someone said some thing.
My sister was at the train station waiting for all the trains to see if I was on them, we rolled in on the very last one, couldn't understand why she was there, it just hadn't sunk in.
Took 3 days, walked in to work and just burst into tears, it was like being hit with a bat, think shock stopped all my emotions for the 3 days, then it all came at once.
Always dread today, think yesterdays semi final helped yesterday but I woke at 4 this morning and Hillsborough was my first thought.
Didn't handle it well in the following years, but that's another story. Took me years to realize I wasn't just a witness but a victim as well cause its something that changed my life and most definitely not for the better. been clean for 8 years now, don't think that's a path I would of walked if I hadn't gone that day.
On the day though, I think my family suffered more, not knowing, thinking they saw me on an advertizing board, having to wait till gone 11 to know that we had all came home safe and we were the lucky ones. 

Justice For The 96 and all its victims.
YNWA

great post... yeah mate, it could have been any one of us... time is a great healer, but justice needs to be done before the 96 can rest in true peace.... ynwa
t.i.m...

Offline mccred

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Re: Survivors: Talk about it, share it, we'll try to help
« Reply #235 on: April 16, 2012, 08:39:41 AM »
Your right, I lost a sister when I was 14, she was 9, but I have closure on that because I know everything was done that could be done and the Doctors gave us two extra years with their treatments, so I've been able to move on from that, although obviously at times it still hurts and I miss her.
Hillsborough is different because its still an open wound still and until justice is done and someone stands up and says yeah we fucked up badly and the people responsible accept their responsibility it always will be an open wound. I just try not to prod it to often, but with these Tory's bastard back in charge, I think there will always be a spin put on it to protect the heroine Thatcher.
Never understood why Labour didn't open up the papers when they were in charge, but then I guess their just Torys in another guise these days.
Don't Ever,Ever Buy The Sun.

They who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety.

Offline cowlos

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Re: Survivors: Talk about it, share it, we'll try to help
« Reply #236 on: April 18, 2012, 04:54:39 PM »
Struggling this year. I took my 9 year old lad the semi on Saturday. In a bad way half an hour before kick off and at the end. Thank god he knows and kept grabbing me as I cried! It had been a bad week leading up to it with the nightmares and tears all week. Come Monday, I felt a bit better, then yesterday! I posted in the "fans attitudes " section about last night but don't know how to move it.
Basically ( i live down south now. Moved here in 1990 for work) i run me 6 yr olds footy team. Club secretary and his wife, who are in their fifties, are Chelsea fans. For a bit of a laugh, I put on me Barca trackie for the meeting. I got called a Scouse wanker, which you can take but then he said, "are we going to have to move any more kick offs for you lot, it's been 23 years get over it." As I was trying to tell him where to go and why, his wife says to another woman ," I don't know why they get so sad, after all they killed their own fans that day," I was furious and started on her before I walked out in case I did something I'd regret! I mean she said it with a little grin on her face as if she was saying something I'd be embaressed about!!!
Apart from the anger and sacking off the club, it's really hit me for six. Anyone that knows me knows I've struggled for the years since I got out of Pen3. I just start to wonder what's the fucking point. These are supposedly grown adults. Not even somewhere like a match where you deal with it. But a football meeting for a kids club!
I have always felt guilty that I'm still here to have kids and a life and they're not. I'm just getting to the point where I can't take this any more

Offline Maggie May

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Re: Survivors: Talk about it, share it, we'll try to help
« Reply #237 on: April 18, 2012, 10:53:20 PM »
Outrageous behaviour.  I suggest that you write to these people and tell them how deeply their remarks have wounded you, and why.  Depending on their response you will be able to decide whether you are able to work with them in the future.    PTSD is more recognised and understood these days since it was when we last spoke some years ago, and it could well be that you need counselling at this point, as your feelings of guilt have peaked.  Please, my dear friend, give this your urgent attention.

And as to what the fucking point of carrying on is, you went with him to the semi on Saturday.

Best love mate. 
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I can only be nice to one person a day.  Today is not your day.  Tomorrow doesn't look too good either.
I tried being reasonable.  I didn't like it.  Old enough to know better.  Young enough not to give a fuck.

Offline Veinticinco de Mayo

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Re: Survivors: Talk about it, share it, we'll try to help
« Reply #238 on: April 18, 2012, 11:20:04 PM »
Utter c*nts mate - if you need a hard copy of the HFD info book to post with your resignation letter then let me know.

Oh, and Maggie is right.
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Offline the invisible man

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Re: Survivors: Talk about it, share it, we'll try to help
« Reply #239 on: April 19, 2012, 06:29:17 AM »
Struggling this year. I took my 9 year old lad the semi on Saturday. In a bad way half an hour before kick off and at the end. Thank god he knows and kept grabbing me as I cried! It had been a bad week leading up to it with the nightmares and tears all week. Come Monday, I felt a bit better, then yesterday! I posted in the "fans attitudes " section about last night but don't know how to move it.
Basically ( i live down south now. Moved here in 1990 for work) i run me 6 yr olds footy team. Club secretary and his wife, who are in their fifties, are Chelsea fans. For a bit of a laugh, I put on me Barca trackie for the meeting. I got called a Scouse wanker, which you can take but then he said, "are we going to have to move any more kick offs for you lot, it's been 23 years get over it." As I was trying to tell him where to go and why, his wife says to another woman ," I don't know why they get so sad, after all they killed their own fans that day," I was furious and started on her before I walked out in case I did something I'd regret! I mean she said it with a little grin on her face as if she was saying something I'd be embaressed about!!!
Apart from the anger and sacking off the club, it's really hit me for six. Anyone that knows me knows I've struggled for the years since I got out of Pen3. I just start to wonder what's the fucking point. These are supposedly grown adults. Not even somewhere like a match where you deal with it. But a football meeting for a kids club!
I have always felt guilty that I'm still here to have kids and a life and they're not. I'm just getting to the point where I can't take this any more

cowlos mate... do not worry about these people...

they are a result of the Sun's Masterplan, deadly though it was, but devastatingly simple in its execution.... Studies have shown that 90% of information received stays in the brain longer and is actually believed, whether true or not , no matter how many times later it is changed or recanted...

one classic example was early in the 90's, one major newspaper headlined..  MAJOR HAS AFFAIR...  and story inside on page whatever.... the day before a general election...... and of course the story was about a major in the Army, never to appear again.... BUT... JOHN MAJOR lost many thousands of votes because of the words MAJOR HAS AFFAIR.... even now, some people will think it is John Major, just the same as people worldwide, still say to me what The Scum wrote in bold headlines that day...when i talk about Hillsborough.........

so the fact is mate, that people generally believe the first thing they see or read so you have to just tell them the facts, point them in the right direction and leave them to it cos the more you try to convince them the more their brains will recall the headline...

so.... mate, please just enjoy the footy with your lad and let the ignorant continue their ignorance, all we can do is to point out the real truth, show them the facts and continue doing what we do, and that is to fight for justice...

take care ...

t.i.m...