Breakfast and GMTV
Both of them use a phrase that's been getting on my fucking tits for ages. They always say along the lines of "Coming up, the news headlines. But first, the news from where you are" and it's the "news from where you are" bit that is making me as mad as a fucking Knowsley Safari Park Baboon when its yanking on someone's aerial.
"A police siege is currently ongoing. The Chorley man has been holding his wife hostage for the last 2 days with a tin of Vim and a packet of Brillo Pads, threatening to seriously irritate her Eczema, because of her alleged adultery with a 72 year old cross-dressing midget. Police say he is almost at the point of handing himself over to them after they threatened to kick his back door in."
Really? I thought what was happening "where I am" was that I was in my office trying to do a bit of fucking work, but obviously I was wrong! Thanks for the heads up though. I'll just look under my desk to see if I can negotiate with him on the police's behalf. But instead of this psychopathic and humiliated in love Chorley man, all I can see is a panoramic view of my Labrador licking it's fucking bullet hole after laying a massive bastard cable in the back garden. I better have a quick look around the house in case he's hiding somewhere and decides to hold me hostage too. But hang on a minute. The police weren't outside my fucking door ten minutes ago when I went to the shop for 20 ciggies and a Cadbury's Boost. They must be undercover or something. A quick phone call to Aunty Beeb should sort it out. Whaddyamean, he's not in my house? You've just fucking told me he was, when you said "here's the news from where you are." Well I'm here, and he's fucking not, OK!
Stop fucking lying to me then you gang of cock munching gobshites! Why don't you just fucking say "North West News" rather than trying to sickeningly ingratiate yourself with me and pretending to speak to me personally. You're not my fucking mates, especially after you've just cunting lied to me about a maniac in my house! Charlie off BBC1 would be right up for a bit of hostage taking if he thought the police would kick his fucking back doors in. And if I ever see that little turd burglar Ben Sheppard where I am, I'll personally see to it that the entire cast of "Schindler's Fist" leave you with an arsehole like a rusty fucking skip. And that four eyed bird off BBC1 who looks like she woke up ten minutes late from a fucking Freddy Krueger nightmare, the acne faced twat, gets on my cunting nerves too! Kate Garroway would get it though, but only in the mouth to stop her fucking spraying me like a fucking Bloodhound with a saliva infection every time she talks, the hoarse voiced lisping twat! Failing that, I'll happily settle for just kicking Lorraine Kelly in her fucking massive hairy minge.
