Internationals done. Thank fuck for that. Fuck FIFA. Seriously.
Right then. Back to the coal face. APLT preview?
Don't mind if I do.
After an early season break for the game's mostly self-appointed overlords to wank each other off for no sporting purpose whatsoever, the Premier League returns this weekend with a veritable fest of footy. What's at stake? EVERYTHING!
EVERY GAME IS MASSIVE!
First up, an APLT head to head clash.
Tottenham v Liverpool. (Venue tbc)
Liverpool and Spurs are currently both entitled to feel a little light-headed as they attempt to draw breath in the rarefied air North of the 90 point line on the APLT. The Reds occupy a dizzying +4, meaning they could lose this and still be comfortably ahead of course to win the league. Jurgen Klopp will hear no such nonsense, of course, and will instead demand that Prof extends the graph further to accommodate an unprecedented start for LFC. The APLT model demands a draw. The fans demand a win. And it's an early kick-off, so the broadcasters demand GOALS GOALS GOALS!
Spurs, meanwhile, are giving a public face to the national homelessness crisis by staging a prolonged sleep out. The shop doorways of Tottenham have been fitted with spikes to keep Harry Kane from trying to doss down in them in his army surplus sleeping bag. (According to Harry, the stadium is completed, he laid the last brick himself, or at least it brushed his leg as the brickie was laying it and that counts. On his kids life.)
Despite having no place to lay down, Tottenham have got their own season off to a flier, and are also a point above the 90 pt line. Having been on +4 themselves just a few weeks ago. Has the model broken for good or is this just early season turbulence?
It's a Par 1 for Liverpool and as it is still technically a "home" match, a daunting Par 3 for Spurs.
Spurs win: LFC +3 SPU +1
Draw: LFC +4 SPU -1
Liverpool win: LFC +6 SPU -2
Next up, it's Chelsea V Newly Promoted Cardiff.
Chelsea's 100% record in the Premier League this season should be safe enough on the visit of the Welsh side, who have managed just two points from their first four games back in the top flight. It's looking like it could be a short stay for them, and anything less than a win here for Chelsea would be a bit of a shock. Under some proposed "improvements" to the APLT, this one should be a Par 5 at least.
Par 3 for Chelsea, who are currently on +2 in the APLT.
Chelsea win: CHE +2
Draw: CHE 0
Cardiff win: CHE -1
And at the same time in Manchester, Champions City take on another newly promoted side in Fulham. The Cottagers are an unlucky 13th in the Trad Table, largely thanks to a home win over Burnley. City meanwhile, languish in 4th in both the APLT and the Trad. The APLT is currently predicting that no fewer than four teams will win the league this season, which is exciting, but please bear in mind, it is not inherently a predictive model.
Par 3 for City here.
City win: MNC 0
Draw: MNC -2
Fulham win: MNC -3
Arsenal are still adapting to life post-Wenger, and this weekend they will take the long road North to Newcastle to take (on) the black (and white) of Rafa Benitez's United side. (Assuming Rafa hasn't quit, been sacked, or gone to prison for hitting Mike Ashley in the face with some discount trainers). The Toon army are in the relegation zone, with just a single point to their names, and will be keen to at least double that score in this 3pm kick-off.
Nonetheless, thanks to Newcastle's league position last season, this is a Par 1 game for Arsenal, who could do with making up the points.
Arsenal are on -4.
Newcastle win: ARS -5
Draw: ARS -4
Arsenal win: ARS -2
And finally, also on Saturday, Jose Mourinho's Manchester United travel to Watford, where the APLT says they need all three points to stay fashionable and, potentially, to keep the Portuguese in a job for another week. Watford, however, have a 100% record in the Premier League this season. Are they the new Leicester? Or the new Burnley? Probably not, but it will be fucking funny if they beat Man Utd, won't it? So far, they have dispatched Tottenham, Palace, Burnley and Brighton. Surely they can't add the scalp of The World's Biggest Football Club to their scalp collection? I mean, it probably smells bad enough as it is.
It's a Par 3 for Jose, so the only way is down, APLT wise.
Man Utd win: MNU -4
Draw: MNU -6
Watford win: MNU -7
And on that happy note, I bid you a happy weekend!