Topic: NewsThump! Private Eye and the like..

[Red Beret]

Britain surprised by arrival of snow for 8,000th year in a row

Ever since the peninsula of Britain became the island of Britain, the inhabitants have been utterly unable to predict or cope with the cold season.

“Every other country in Europe expects winter,” said European Meteorologist Olaf Smugersonson of Rochdale Community University, “they put snowtyres on their cars and generally prepare. In Britain people freak out as if this is novel behaviour for the climate they’ve lived their entire lives in.”

There was a general theory that the popularity of Game of Thrones might get the concept of changing seasons into the national psyche but hopes have been dashed as people across the land stare baffled at the white, wet and windy wonders of winter.

“Ooh! Look snow! Isn’t it amazing?” said Deborah Rainbow Clegg from Derby, “I haven’t seen snow since… When was it? I can’t remember.”

“Last year, dear; this time last year,” explained her patient husband, Stephen.

Whilst public transport runs as efficiently as ever across Europe, where the snow is actually thicker than a wet wipe, it’s expected that train, tube and bus services across this country will be late at best and more likely cancelled.

https://rochdaleherald.co.uk/2017/01/13/britain-surprised-arrival-snow-8000th-year-rowland/

[Red Beret]

Shock as bigoted fuckwit retweets thoughts of other bigoted fuckwits



Donald Trump has retweeted the dunder-headed thoughts of Britain First because of course he did.

In a turn of events that has been incorrectly described as “shocking”, the President of the United States who won an election on a ticket of xenophobia retweeted some Islamophobic witterings direct from the fascist nightmare that is Jayda Fransen’s mind.

“It’s not the sort of behaviour I would expect from a sitting US President, but it’s absolutely what I’d expect from Trump,” shrugged journalist, Jay Cooper.

“Of all the things he’s ever done, this ranks somewhere in the middle. It will make page 12 if we’re lucky.

“I’m not sure why you look surprised. ‘Racist retweets racist’ isn’t going to make me shout ‘hold the front page’ any time soon.”

Trump supporter, Chuck Williams, said “Both Trump and Britain First are simply sharing what we’re all thinking, and by ‘we all’, I mean people who are exactly like me, which I’ve decided everyone is. So it’s fine. Shut up.”

After hearing that Trump had retweeted Jayda Fransen, Britain First supporter, Tom Bobbins, said something that was both stupid and wrong.

[Red Beret]

Britain reluctantly defends May against insane fascist



THE nation has reluctantly come to the defence of Theresa May after she was attacked for totally unfair reasons for once.

The prime minister was attacked by President Trump for daring to half-heartedly object to his dissemination of far-right propaganda, causing Britain to rally around a woman they unreservedly hate.

Helen Archer of Colchester said: “Hey. She may be a useless fucking idiot, but she’s our idiot.

“It’s weird because until he hit back, we all agreed her weak attempt at a reprimand was as pathetic as everything else she does. But the second Trump had a go, I felt unfamilar patriotism swelling.

“Only we’re allowed to slag her off, you citrus prick. She’s shit, but she’s nowhere near as shit as you.”

Teacher Susan Traherne agreed: “I actually wrote a Facebook post in May’s defence. It was excruciating. My fingers suddenly felt all heavy, and everything in me wanted to delete it, but it had to be done.

“I just hope Trump moves on to someone else soon, so we can all go back to taking the piss out of her disastrous premiership and normal order can be restored.”

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/politics/politics-headlines/britain-reluctantly-defends-may-against-insane-fascist-20171130140069

[Andy @ Allerton!]

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/politics/politics-headlines/it-took-six-months-and-a-lot-of-work-but-weve-caved-completely-says-david-davis-20171129140020

It took six months and a lot of work but we’ve caved completely, says David Davis



BREXIT minister David Davis has proudly told Britain that after six months of tough negotiating he has given in to every single one of the EU’s demands.

Davis, who turned up to negotiations in June with a blank notepad and a hopeful expression, promised that nobody could have fought harder or achieved less than he did.

He continued: “From the first day, when I conceded that negotiations would proceed exactly as the EU had decided and then spent months trying to reverse that, I have been massively out of my depth.

“For fruitless meeting after fruitless meeting, I have vainly insisted that things that were never going to happen should happen, no matter how clear it was that I was wrong.

“And, finally, after battling through our own reality-denying pigheadness, we have achieved what we could have achieved on day one by capitulating utterly.

“Now we have caved on the divorce bill, look forward to me caving on EU citizens’ rights and Northern Ireland in short order. Certainly before Christmas.”

[The Gulleysucker]

Had to snigger at this in the Mash today...

[Red Beret]

Humankind enjoys final nuclear apocalypse-free weekend

The citizens of the world awake are enjoying their final weekend before the entire planet is irradiated forever by a collection of demented war-hungry lunatics who, for some reason, people have seen fit to elect to power.

As inevitable global nuclear armageddon approaches, ordinary folk plan their final days free of devastating radiation poisoning.

“Well, I was going to pop to Boots as I’d ran out of that shampoo I like,” said Simon Williams, a leaf-straightener from Glossop.

“I’ll probably still do that but maybe I’ll buy two or three bottles. You know, to really stock up. I don’t know if you’ll be able to buy nice shampoo in a barren nuclear wasteland.

“Mind you, Tina Turner’s hair always looked quite nice in that Mad Max film, so perhaps I’ll be fine.”

Others considered more hedonistic plans.

“Well, it’s quite nice out, so I’ll probably just spend the weekend sat outside the pub,” said Eleanor Gay, a cabbage-whisperer from Chorley.

“I mean, I don’t normally like going out on a Sunday, what with work the next day, but, I suppose if the planet’s burning in a white-hot nuclear fire, then Mr Rumbold won’t mind if I take the day off sick.

“I’ll book the morning off as a holiday, just to be sure.”

It is expected that the architects of global destruction, Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin, will spend the earth’s final days engaging in whatever complete psychopaths usually do at the weekend – wearing their mother’s underwear and finger-painting with faeces, one would assume.


http://newsthump.com/2018/04/14/humankind-enjoys-final-nuclear-apocalypse-free-weekend/

[The Gulleysucker]

‘I’m not Trump,’ says Trump



DONALD Trump has denied being this ‘President Trump’ who has apparently done something bad.

The US leader looked exaggeratedly around the White House conference room when his actions at the Helsinki summit were criticised in an apparent attempt to locate the individual under discussion.

Trump said: “Trump? Trump who? Never heard of him.

“I’ll get my people on it, to look for him. Bring him to justice so fast. So much justice.

“Me? John Barron, businessman, operating out of New York City. Which I own. Currently dating Gigi Hadid but you didn’t hear that from me. You can print it, though, okay? Just say ‘anonymous source’.

“Look like him? He must be a good-looking guy, sure. Maybe he didn’t do anything wrong, did you think of that? That’s what I heard.”

The President then left the room and returned moments later, clapping his hands and announcing that he was back and no more questions would be taken.


https://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/international/im-not-trump-says-trump-20180718175427

[Red Beret]

Aliens demanding “Take us to your leader” urged to keep their expectations low



Aliens have landed and have been urged to brace themselves for something of a disappointment.

Visiting earth from their home planet of Rathnark 41, visiting aliens Tynarb, Huthrall and Stacey touched down outside Phoenix, Arizona, and demanded to be taken to the leader of the free world.

“At which point I inadvertently sputtered ‘oh crap’, which wasn’t the best first impression,” confirmed Chuck Williams, first on the scene.

“They’re asking to meet President Trump and I can only imagine how spectacularly badly that encounter is going to go.

“This is a man who can’t get through breakfast without annoying the toast, so Christ alone knows what the consequences could be of him pissing off a technologically superior alien race.

“I’ve told them to keep their expectations low, and not to use any big words or complicated concepts that Trump wouldn’t understand; such as renewable energy, peace among worlds, or fruit.”

Alien, Tynarb, said, “We wish none of you any harm, and we come in peace to share our knowledge with you.

“I can’t imagine that a ten-minute encounter with this President Trump fellow would change our minds on any of that. Surely he can’t be that antagonistic.

“No, we don’t have Twitter on our planet. Why?”

[Red Beret]

Tesco launches pre-binned bagged salad



TESCO has launched a range of bagged salads that come already in a bin to save customers throwing them away.

The Ready Binned range means that products that will only end up being wasted anyway can now be discarded without even needing to be put in the fridge.

A spokesman said: “How often have you bought a bag of salad, only to throw most of it away a couple of days’ later when it starts to look a bit mildewy? The answer is ‘every time you’ve bought a bag of salad’.
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“So now we’re selling them in a bin. You just take it home, then tip the contents into a larger bin, so that they can be taken away and disposed of.”

Householder Emma Bradford said: “As a busy working mum, I don’t have time to take food out of the fridge before I throw it away, so this is a great boon.

“Hopefully they can do this for bread, courgettes and packets of pre-sliced turkey bought on some strange whim.”

https://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/business/tesco-launches-pre-binned-bagged-salad-20170601128641

[The Gulleysucker]

https://www.thedailymash.co.uk/politics/politics-headlines/shit-finally-completes-29-month-journey-towards-fan-20181114179403



Shit finally completes 29-month journey towards fan
14th November 2018



The bucketful of shit first upended in June 2016 has finally completed its slow, 29-month journey through the air and is now hitting the fan.

The shit, released between the long-ago deaths of Muhammed Ali and Kenny Baker two years ago, has been largely ignored by Britain during its slow-motion transit but will soon be absolutely everywhere.

Political commentator Joseph Turner said: “Easy to forget about when it’s just a few tumbling turds, isn’t it? You blank out the boring speculation about exactly what angle they’ll hit the blades.

“But that fan that’s been whirring away all this time, and admit it you don’t even notice the noise now, is about to be the focus of all our attention and for months. Maybe years.

“We’ll talk of little else. ‘Is there anything to hide behind?’ ‘What consistency is the next bucket of crap?’ ‘How can I clean it off?’ ‘Oh God, why did I say they just need to get on with it?’.

“A parade of excrement-coated politicians will tell us they can stop the shit, that the shit is good, that no more will hit the fan after just these next few, but it’ll already be all over us, our houses, our jobs, everything.

“We live in a world of shit now. Get over it.”

[The Gulleysucker]

Mourinho put in charge of Brexit
18th December 2018



SACKED Manchester United manager Jose Mourinho is the new Brexit secretary, it has been confirmed.

Mourinho will move straight from the United job to the government position and is already assigning blame for the total failure of Brexit to civil servants, the EU and anyone who preceded him in the post.

He said: “Any Brexit secretary can only be as good as the team he has to work with, and my team is shit. They do not have any of the qualities I need. I hate them.

“If you wish to examine my track record I have delivered independence to North Macedonia, full statehood to the Republic of Yemen, and La Liga to Real Madrid. Everything that happened there since, not my fault.

“I have proven my commitment to this job by booking into a London hotel, so the Brexit fans need to get behind me. If they don’t we will not win. That will be on them.

“The EU does not give me the deal I need. I asked for the deal and they did not give me the deal, so it’s impossible I can succeed. All the other countries have the deal so they are ahead. You said that, not me.

“Ultimately, the failure of Brexit cannot be placed on my shoulders. There is a clear guilty party: the Instagram of Paul Pogba.

“Thank you. I’ll take my payoff now.”




https://www.thedailymash.co.uk/sport/sport-headlines/mourinho-put-in-charge-of-brexit-20181218180698

[The Gulleysucker]

Denmark offers to buy America from Russia
By Quentin D Fortesqueue -
August 21, 2019 34987


Mette Frederiksen, the Prime Minister of Denmark has reportedly expressed an interest in buying the Russian controlled territory of the United States of America.

Rich in natural resources and fuckwits the territory covers almost 10 million square kilometers and is said to contain huge oil and gas reserves and the largest number of fatties on the planet.

Russian Premier Vladimir Putin who bought the US with a Betamax videotape of two prostitutes urinating on a dementia patient told The Rochdale Herald.

“It’s a pretty good deal and we’re open to discussing it with Denmark. Russia bought North America for the price of two hookers and a large bottle of Evian Water so anything over 75 rubles is a good return on our investment.”

“Denmark would be a pretty good acquirer for the territory. They’re the happiest country in the world, have an amazing welfare state and they can all read.”

“Frankly, I have no idea why they want to buy it.”



https://rochdaleherald.co.uk/2019/08/21/denmark-buy-america-from-russia/

[Crumble]

Rees-Mogg wondering why Northern citizens don't simply use their family sailboats to escape the floods.

Severe flood warnings have been issued to over 100 parts of the UK, as some ares in the north have received a month’s worth of rain over 24 hours.

Jacob Rees-Mogg has issued a statement advising citizens to ignore everything the rescue services tell them, and to do the complete opposite.

“If a member of the authorities tells you to leave your house for your own safety, ignore them. Simply have them escorted from your estate grounds, and then revoke their access to the automated security gates.”

Rees-Mogg advised citizens to ignore the advice of every single agency, and to simply do what he would do.
“My main advice is to not live in the North, or if you do, take small measures to ensure your house is floodproof; these can include basic steps such as living in a converted fort on a hill, having a mile long moat and industrial crossing system around your property, or putting a helicopter pad on the roof for an easy escape.”

The severe flooding trapped dozens of Sheffield residents inside a shopping mall overnight.

Rees-Mogg has wondered why the Northern citizens are not using their family sailboats to traverse the floods.

“It’s common sense surely? A flood is the perfect occasion to hop on the family sailboat you’ve got in storage. Whether it’s a 30m J-Class, an Open Gaffer, a Laurent Giles crusier, a veneer coated Riva Aquarama, or even a hand crafted heritage for goodness’ sake! With all the options available, there’s simply no excuse, to not take advantage of the fine family sailing vessel that’s been passed down between generations.”

Rees-Mogg then repeated his ‘hand crafted heritage’ remark and proceeded to laugh for a solid minute.


https://thenewsdump.co.uk/why-dont-the-northerners-just-use-their-family-sailboats-to-escape-the-floods-asks-rees-mogg