I started a new job early last year in a much better position than I've had previously, with the best company culture I've experienced, and by far the best pay. My manager trusts me to get on with everything independently where possible, but is very supportive and available when needed. All feedback I've received from management and colleagues has been almost completely positive.
But I'm struggling. I feel like a fraud every single day. I feel like I will be found out at any moment, or I'll make a mistake which will prove my incompetence. I'm surrounded by intelligent, eloquent and confident engineers with years of experience, whereas I have a non-technical background and am supporting on technical projects in an industry that is new to me. I go from being overwhelmed by keeping on top of several difficult unfamiliar projects simultaneously, to feeling guilty when things slow down, as if I'm not contributing enough to justify my wage. I'm about 15 months in and telling myself I'll feel more comfortable with time is becoming less and less convincing.
I feel embarrassed that I do not seem to have the resilience to cope with this. I look at people in jobs that are actually stressful and just cannot understand why I find my situation so difficult. There are people out there performing brain surgery or going to war, yet my arse goes at the thought of having to say one sentence in a meeting of 15 people. I know comparisons to other people aren't helpful, but I can't seem to help it.
Late last year the pains in my chest, which usually only appeared before meetings, became constant. I was also having headaches every day. I visited the doctor on my way to work after my girlfriend insisting, but didn't raise the idea of my symptoms perhaps being stress related with my GP. She thought I might have been having a heart attack there and then (I wasn't), but I ended up being signed off for two weeks. Combined with the Christmas break I had about a month off and my symptoms became a lot more manageable, but I can feel myself going the same way now.
I don't really know what I want to achieve by writing this down. I usually try to keep myself occupied with different things to stop getting stuck in my head so much, but I just can't concentrate today.
What you describe is called Imposter Syndrome, and it's far more common than most people realise. I've always been highly prone to it myself. I left school as a written-off no-hoper with no qualifications. I was too full of anxiety to do anything at school, and was basically paralysed and stuck in a depressive malaise. I always felt a failure, and this followed on into my adult life too. Whatever I did, I felt a fraud. I eventually studied and gained a Diploma in Counselling and Psychotherapy ... but I still felt a fraud. Before that I worked as an outreach care worker, and felt a fraud there too. Every day I thought I'd get found out, and every night I feared the next day.
It's funny though, because in counselling people tell you things they normally keep to themselves, and by that I mean fellow professionals, not just clients. You would be absolutely staggered by the amount of people in positions of responsibility, people high up in workplaces, people who others look up to, who also feel a fraud too. Even my highly respected, highly professional and heavily qualified supervisor admitted to me of having the very same Imposter Syndrome I described to her. In all honesty, I think half the population are worried about being 'found out' every day. It's not just you, that's for sure.
I don't know about you, but many people who experience IS are perfectionists. Even if they get things 99% right, they will still beat themselves up over the other 1%. I used to be like that myself. These days, though, I accept that no one is perfect and should not pressure themselves to be be something that's impossible anyway. We can only do our best, and be willing to learn from our mistakes along the way. Do you expect people in your life to be perfect? I bet you don't. So why demand it of yourself?
As an outsider reading your post, it's pretty clear that you are no fraud. Just look at the evidence. You talk like your colleagues are all top notch. They may well be too, but you are in an industry new to you and, despite you inner fears, you are more than holding your own. Your manager trusts you to work independently and virtually all feedback on you has been good. This speaks for itself really. If you really were the fraud you fear you are, these people would have sussed you long ago, yet here you are, still holding your own after 15 months. I'd say it's time to give yourself some credit now.
I certainly understand your anxiety. It can be horribly debilitating. I know because I have an anxiety disorder myself. Pains in the chest always need checking out, of course, but they can also be signs of stress and potential panic attack. I've had a lot of them, and the first major one was horrific. I felt like I was dying and leaving my body. All that in public view too. Absolutely horrible. Anticipatory anxiety (the type we get when gearing up for something we are dreading) can bring all sorts of physical symptoms on, such as the headaches before meetings. I used to be so bad that my body created physical symptoms in order to get me out of stressful situations. Once away from the triggering situation, the physical symptoms subsided.
Personally, I'd probably talk to the GP if I were in your position, and be honest about what is bringing your anxiety on. Maybe even talk it through with a counsellor if you feel like. The problem with this type of thing is the pressure that comes with trying to keep it all hidden away and bottled up. Trying to hide it all can actually leave us with a situation where we have anxiety about getting anxiety. This is like trying to put a small fire out with petrol. Suddenly, you have a large fire to contend with.
Anxiety is one of those things that grow when we put our focus onto it. As counter intuitive as it sounds, making room for the anxiety whilst getting on with the things we value doing in our lives can actually see levels fall away. With anxiety, the more you don't want it, the more you have it. So, we often just have to carry it around with us while we get on with our lives. Funny thing is, when we are willing to have it, it shows up far less.
What I would say is allow yourself to be imperfect. It's normal, and it's human. Give your best and let any mistakes be valuable lessons and not only will you be a fantastic employee, but a very well-adjusted and more content person in every aspect of your life too.
None of us have it all sussed. All of us are a work in progress. The only frauds are the ones who
do think they have it all sussed and have nothing more to learn.