Author Topic: Jokes so bad they're punny  (Read 671141 times)

Offline BlackandWhitePaul

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2160 on: December 25, 2018, 08:20:06 am »
 Why did Santa go to a psychiatrist? He no longer believed in himself.


Offline Redwhiteandnotblue

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2161 on: December 25, 2018, 11:15:58 pm »
Quote from: George Michael
Last Christmas...





















I died.

Offline Brian Blessed

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2162 on: December 26, 2018, 04:43:48 am »
Anyone else being strangely drawn to Dion Dublin's nipples?

Offline 24/7

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2163 on: December 26, 2018, 01:37:06 pm »
An ancient Greek fella walks into a tailor shop with a pair of torn pants.

Tailor says, "Euripides?"

Fella says, "Yeah! Eumenides?"

ithankyou :wave

Online Barneylfc∗

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2164 on: December 26, 2018, 02:16:44 pm »
An ancient Greek fella walks into a tailor shop with a pair of torn pants.

Tailor says, "Euripides?"

Fella says, "Yeah! Eumenides?"

ithankyou :wave

 ;D
Craig Burnley V West Ham - WEST HAM WIN - INCORRECT

Offline afc tukrish

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2165 on: December 26, 2018, 03:53:41 pm »
An ancient Greek fella walks into a tailor shop with a pair of torn pants.

Tailor says, "Euripides?"

Fella says, "Yeah! Eumenides?"

ithankyou :wave

For fuck's sake...

Did they have a Teros, also?
Since haste quite Schorsch, but Liverpool are genuine fight pigs...

Offline liversaint

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2166 on: December 28, 2018, 04:54:03 pm »
A piece of gold walks into a bar.

The Barman says "Au, get out of here"
You say Honey? I say Fuck off.

You dont win friends with Salad

There is another option. Mr Ferguson organises the fixtures in his office and sends it to us and everyone will know and cannot complain. That is simple.

Offline I've been a good boy

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2167 on: December 29, 2018, 07:00:46 pm »
Got a universal remote for Christmas.

This changes everything.

Offline Fitzy.

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2168 on: January 5, 2019, 05:01:48 pm »
Did you hear about the sex-mad Welsh farmer?

He died in his sheep.

Offline soxfan

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2169 on: January 5, 2019, 05:15:54 pm »
^^^ :lmao

Bully: "Hey nerd, I bet you're still a virgin."
Boy: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night."
Bully: "As if."
Boy: "Yeah, just ask your sister."
Bully: "I don't have a sister."
Boy: "You will in about nine months!"
“Do not intermingle with people who act like 'they know it all'. If you do, you will wind up as lost and lonely as they are.”
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Offline 24/7

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2170 on: January 6, 2019, 05:19:19 pm »
Stood behind Adam Ant at the local ice cream van yesterday. He ordered a standard vanilla.

Offline oldfordie

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2171 on: January 6, 2019, 05:24:07 pm »
Stood behind Adam Ant at the local ice cream van yesterday. He ordered a standard vanilla.
:) :) Yep I heard him. he was adamant, nothing except Standard Vanilla would do.
I will get me coat.
It might take our producers five minutes to find 60 economists who feared Brexit and five hours to find a sole voice who espoused it.
“But by the time we went on air we simply had one of each; we presented this unequal effort to our audience as balance. It wasn’t.”
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Offline 24/7

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2172 on: January 7, 2019, 08:14:19 am »
My new band is called 999Mb. Haven't got a gig yet.

Online Barneylfc∗

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2173 on: January 7, 2019, 05:55:30 pm »
An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scot, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean

all go to a nightclub ..................................

The doorman stops them and says sorry I can’t let you in without a Thai.
Craig Burnley V West Ham - WEST HAM WIN - INCORRECT

Online Crosby Nick

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2174 on: January 7, 2019, 06:15:14 pm »
Haha :D

Offline 24/7

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2175 on: January 9, 2019, 07:38:13 pm »

I have just seen an incredibly loud Abba tribute in the shopping centre.
You could hear the drums from Nandos.



I'm thinking of starting up my own business, recycling discarded chewing gum...
Just need a bit of help getting it off the ground.


My new year's resolution was to learn Spanish, but that's lasted about unos weekos.


Proud to be totally paper-free at home. Just one question: how to clean shit off an iPad screen?


Which Spice Girl can carry the most water?
Geri can, of course.


The electrician next door has joined Hare Krishna. He goes around all day chanting "ohm, ohm"


I see Amazon founder Jeff Bezo’s wife is leaving him - with a neighbour presumably.


ithankyou :wave

Offline I've been a good boy

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2176 on: January 9, 2019, 08:39:06 pm »
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot

as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

Offline 24/7

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2177 on: January 9, 2019, 10:07:01 pm »
Was that year 1976?  :-X :-*

Offline bradders1011

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2178 on: January 10, 2019, 11:09:47 pm »
Has to have been done before:

Why did they only drink green tea in the Soviet Union?

Because all proper tea is theft.
If I were a linesman, I would execute defenders who applauded my offsides.

Offline 24/7

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2179 on: January 10, 2019, 11:16:04 pm »
I've been trying for fucking years to understand dolphin language.

Today it suddenly just clicked.

Offline B.A. Baracus

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2180 on: January 11, 2019, 08:38:34 am »
Disney have got the rights for the Meghan Markle porn film. It's called Poke a Highness.

Online Crosby Nick

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2181 on: January 11, 2019, 08:52:08 am »
Disney have got the rights for the Meghan Markle porn film. It's called Poke a Highness.

I remember that same punchline being used in the early 90s, possibly relating to Will Carling?!

Offline B.A. Baracus

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2182 on: January 11, 2019, 10:01:27 am »
I remember that same punchline being used in the early 90s, possibly relating to Will Carling?!

Probably!

Offline Tesco tearaway

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2183 on: January 11, 2019, 11:32:34 am »
Disney have got the rights for the Meghan Markle porn film. It's called Poke a Highness.
He took her from behind, so they renamed it Poke her Haunches.
If your moral compass is Piers Moron then I ask you to think whether someone who oversaw illegal phone hacking and published fake pictures depicting War Crimes is an appropriate person to look up to. In fact, I'd suggest you're a bit of a c*nt.

Offline gary75

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2184 on: January 11, 2019, 11:59:18 am »
Sad news from the Nestlé factory today. A night shift worker was crushed beneath a case of chocolate that fell 20 feet off the storage racking. He called for help repeatedly but every time he shouted "The Milky Bars are on me" his colleagues just cheered.


Offline bradders1011

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2185 on: January 11, 2019, 12:02:01 pm »
I went to the video shop and asked if I could rent Batman Forever.

The bloke said "No, you've got to bring it back tomorrow."
If I were a linesman, I would execute defenders who applauded my offsides.

Offline Phil M

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2186 on: January 11, 2019, 01:23:00 pm »
I went to the video shop and asked if I could rent Batman Forever.

The bloke said "No, you've got to bring it back tomorrow."

What's a 'video shop'?

This is two thousand nineteen maaaannn.
It's true to say that if Shankly had told us to invade Poland we'd be queuing up 10 deep all the way from Anfield to the Pier Head.

Offline 24/7

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2187 on: January 11, 2019, 01:42:58 pm »
Got on the weight watchers website today looking for tips. First thing it asked me to do was accept cookies

Offline oldfordie

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2188 on: January 11, 2019, 01:58:35 pm »
Got on the weight watchers website today looking for tips. First thing it asked me to do was accept cookies
I went to the video shop and asked if I could rent Batman Forever.

The bloke said "No, you've got to bring it back tomorrow."
Sad news from the Nestlé factory today. A night shift worker was crushed beneath a case of chocolate that fell 20 feet off the storage racking. He called for help repeatedly but every time he shouted "The Milky Bars are on me" his colleagues just cheered.
:lmao :lmao
It might take our producers five minutes to find 60 economists who feared Brexit and five hours to find a sole voice who espoused it.
“But by the time we went on air we simply had one of each; we presented this unequal effort to our audience as balance. It wasn’t.”
               Emily Maitlis

Offline soxfan

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2189 on: January 11, 2019, 02:22:33 pm »
I wasn’t going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict.
So I’m going home for the hollandaise.
“Do not intermingle with people who act like 'they know it all'. If you do, you will wind up as lost and lonely as they are.”
― Christine Szymanski

Offline The Bournemouth Red

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2190 on: January 11, 2019, 03:28:17 pm »
My lumberjack friend bought me a watch for Christmas.

Analogue.
Falling down, getting up, always Red.

Offline Brian Blessed

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2191 on: January 11, 2019, 04:20:08 pm »
How many Thunderbirds puppets does it take to change a light bulb? 54,321.
Anyone else being strangely drawn to Dion Dublin's nipples?

Offline 24/7

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2192 on: January 11, 2019, 06:21:21 pm »
How many Thunderbirds puppets does it take to change a light bulb? 54,321.
That's a FAB 1 :thumbup

Offline Brian Blessed

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2193 on: January 11, 2019, 06:45:29 pm »
;D


I bought the world's worst thesaurus. Not only is it terrible, but it's terrible.
Anyone else being strangely drawn to Dion Dublin's nipples?

Offline 24/7

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2194 on: January 11, 2019, 07:14:55 pm »
;D


I bought the world's worst thesaurus. Not only is it terrible, but it's terrible.
That's so terrible, it's terrible.

Offline I've been a good boy

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2195 on: January 11, 2019, 07:20:12 pm »
I don't understand circles, they're pointless.

Offline jason67

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2196 on: January 11, 2019, 07:34:11 pm »
 :lmao
Sad news from the Nestlé factory today. A night shift worker was crushed beneath a case of chocolate that fell 20 feet off the storage racking. He called for help repeatedly but every time he shouted "The Milky Bars are on me" his colleagues just cheered.
At last the TRUTH 26th April 2016

Still don't buy the s*n.

Offline soxfan

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2197 on: January 11, 2019, 08:38:44 pm »
My wife and I were happy for 30 years!

Then we met.
“Do not intermingle with people who act like 'they know it all'. If you do, you will wind up as lost and lonely as they are.”
― Christine Szymanski

Offline soxfan

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2198 on: January 11, 2019, 08:40:58 pm »
On their wedding night, the groom gave a venereal disease to his new bride.

They lived herpely ever after.
“Do not intermingle with people who act like 'they know it all'. If you do, you will wind up as lost and lonely as they are.”
― Christine Szymanski

Offline soxfan

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #2199 on: January 11, 2019, 08:41:54 pm »
Why did the polygamist cross the aisle?

To get to the other bride!
“Do not intermingle with people who act like 'they know it all'. If you do, you will wind up as lost and lonely as they are.”
― Christine Szymanski