I don't know if I can help but I do know that is a lot to deal with for a 12 year old. It doesn't matter that you don't know any of the 96 you were there, it was bound to have an impact. I do know what it's like to feel as though you're not really entitled to your grief, the feeling that someone is worse off than you so you should just get on with it etc. I felt guilty for a long time as I gave my ticket to my brother, who fortunately survived. I got some help and was able to talk about it which was good. Today still hurts like hell though.
Please try not to be embarrassed you're entitled to feel how you feel. Take care.
That's great post mate. I didn't know anyone of the 96 or even any of their friends or family and it took me many years to realize that i had a right to grieve their passing.
Three years before Hillsborough when I was 14, I lost my little sister to cancer, she was 3 years younger than me and I love her unconditionally, that means that at 17 I knew what real grief felt like. The finality, the way other people's lives still go on regardless of your pain.
On the Sunday 16th April 1989, I just sat numb, looking out the window. Think I was probably in shock. Obviously my Mum tried her best, for obvious reason Saturday was a bad day for her to, I didn't phone home, got home at 11.30 that night to tears then a bollocking for not calling. Different world then!
On the Monday the grief hit me like a hammer, but tried for years to hide it cause I didn't feel I had aright to grieve for people that I didn't know, but for a few I saw their last moments on Earth.
I've said before I found certain drugs made me feel normal again for a while, so Jo if your reading your Doctor probably done you a favour. I'm addicted to valium and like you don't really feel them unless I get more ( Not the site for it, so I'll leave that there). If your Doc had given you 30 mg a day in 3 or 4 weeks time, they'd have the same affect as 10 mg. Maybe one way to approach it would be to ask the Doc if you could have say 7 or 8 a month extra, so on the nights when things get on top, you've a little extra to get you through. Daily use of a dose just gives you a tolerance to what every dose you settle on.
Clonazapam is also very good for anxiety but again its a benzo, so same circles. The problem with today's anti-depressants is they take 4 to 6 weeks to find out if they work, no good when you need help now.
My doc has put me on Mirtazipine, its one of the older anti-depressants but at 30mgs taken at night I find it really helps with sleep, yet strangely if taken in a higher dose it cause's more of a stimulant effect?
I'm no medical expert, that's just my experience. Hope you get it sorted and long term use of benzo's ( Valium type drugs) is now frowned on because their very difficult to get off of, both mentally and physically. Even 10 mgs you would have to very slowly lower your dose.
Sorry I'm not trying to lecture, I'm sure you know most of this.
Only came on really to thank quality no for his comment about people having the right to grieve regardless.
All the best to everyone and justice is just round the corner, can almost smell it.
JFT96 and Rest in Peace Anne
