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In Alan Hansen Voice ... by Paul Tomkins


Paul Tomkins:
"How shocking is that ?"

Readers of a previous incarnation of mine (at some site best left unnamed) voted for the worst ever Liverpool side, to be included in a fanzine that never came to light. Some of the many who have followed me to the Unofficial Bootroom requested that I show them the team. So here they are - the excruciating results - with my personal assessment of each player. Truly some of the worst players ever to grace the top flight. That they somehow ended up at Liverpool is too painful to contemplate.

Names that didn’t make the list included Jean Michel Ferri (French 1970s synth-pop icon who played less than 45 minutes of action from which to form an opinion, but widely touted as Houllier’s mole responsible for ousting Ince as well as recording Oxygen 4 and the old theme to Tomorrow’s World, back when I was a kid); Michael Robinson (next highest nominations in the striker category, somewhat harshly, but we've not had too many duds upfront); and, of course, Ince himself, who in terms of attitude would have walked any worst player poll. But this is about ALL-ROUND ineptitude.


Back-up keeper that Souness let vie for the No.1 spot. Just got fans’ backs-up. Wasn’t truly awful. Just wasn’t as good as Clem, Brucie, Jamo or the flying Pig. And we’ve had some good keepers over the years to compare him to.


Started well, despite looking like a Troll Then, like all truly bad players, found his level, such as when his header towards his own goal in Spain enabled a Celta Vigo player to nod home. And that was one of his good moments.


Had just won Euro 92 with Denmark - or so they said. Torben was probably a bricklayer-Dane, sold to Souness on the pretence that he was Michael Laudrup’s brother, or maybe even George Weah’s Scandinavian-cum-African cousin. The surname should have been a clue, Souey. Life was not a picnic, either. And have you ever seen a headless chicken head a ball? - not a pretty sight (blood and gizzards everywhere. Or am I being too literal here?).


Unfortunate, in that the Bristolian was never supposed to be any good in the first place. Made the team during an injury crisis when the fat lad claimed to play for Liverpool after turning up to Melwood as a bet, and looked quite good for a while, before it became clear that even with a broken leg, or on crutches due to seriously damaged knee ligaments, the injured defenders in the squad were a far better option. Mark Wright was due to play in a wheelchair, until the wheel fell off, thus allowing Tanner one more game.


A good golfer these days - just as well, as the Bristolian (Bristolian? Hang on,I see a link here...sorry Bristolians!) was a shite footballer. Souness gave the Hammers Marsh, Burrows and Hutchison, and they gave us Dicks. So we gave him back. Rumours that Souness also offered Fowler, McManaman and Barnes as part of the deal were true. Thankfully the West Ham chairman pointed out that we wouldn’t have had a team left, and so only took three players.


Looked a bit like Dan Petrescu, who looks a bit like Agent Mulder, whose nickname is Spooky. Almost a cult hero for the Chesterfield 4-4 draw, where he came on and changed the game (note: Chesterfield were in the bottom division at the time). Did nothing else, and returned to the obscurity from whence he came from. The truth is out there. Apparently.


What can you say? Slow, ponderous, neither a left foot or a right. Crap on the ground, crap in the air. Bad perm. Cost a fortune, left for nought. Played a lot of games - in order to prove just how bad he really was. And Souness had the gall to criticise Houllier. Perhaps the second worst ever LFC player, and definitely the biggest waste of money. It wasn’t the big fee that weighed heavy, it was the fat gut.


An okay player on paper, but not worth 4 pence, let alone £4million, on the performances for us. Would receive the ball, stop, then lay it back to the full back. Suited Wimbledon’s style (i.e. they bypassed the midfield). Scored a few goals, but just couldn’t do the basics. Such as tackle, pass, head, etc.


Quite simply the worst Liverpool player EVER. Unlike some (like Kozma or Ferri) who were nominated, he actually got a run in the side. His nadir was the match at Stamford Bridge in 1991, when Souness introduced him early on from the subs bench and after 20 inept minutes pulled him back there. Sold to Arsenal, where he played over 50 games. How? George Graham was manager, of course.


Strange one this: picked up on the cheap by Dalglish, and scored six goals in just twelve games, including a goal against the Mancs and two in the 3-1 defeat of the blueshite. Surely a hero then? No. Not sure why everyone hates him, and scored 25 goals the following season for Blackburn, who won promotion to the Premiership. As he prepared for life back in the Premiership... they sold him.


Have an ‘ee’ sound at the end of your name, and you’re shit (unless it’s part of a nickname, ie Rushie). The Croc was so bad in his limited appearances, he didn’t get the chance of a run in the side. Once had a good season in Germany, apparently. Didn’t score the entire season before we signed him, mind - so he was bang in form when Roy signed the check, then. Eric Mejier never scored a league goal in many more starts. But everyone loved him. Then again, Big Eric was mad. Bless ‘im. And Eric did bag twice against Hull. So there.

Any opinions ? Did we get it wrong? Of course, there are more duff players, but this duff? Does anyone remember Charlie Satterhwaite from the 1899/1900 season? I hear he was pants...

© Paul Tomkins 2001


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