Topic: Struggling with depression

[AndyMuller]

Nice one both, great advice as usual in this thread. Will try out a couple of things you both have mentioned!

[spen71]

Two weeks off the booze and fags now.    Feel so much better!    Never going back to them

[AndyMuller]

Why is it I’m 32 years old and still don’t know what I want to do career wise?! Getting me down seeing everyone on their clear paths in different whilst I’ve bounced from job to job (even though this is the best salary I’ve ever had at the moment it won’t last forever).

[ToneLa]

Why is it I’m 32 years old and still don’t know what I want to do career wise?! Getting me down seeing everyone on their clear paths in different whilst I’ve bounced from job to job (even though this is the best salary I’ve ever had at the moment it won’t last forever).

I say this as someone who loves his job: you're not your job. This thread itself shows that many of us have hidden demons, the black dog stalking us.

What does one need from a job, a career? Comfort or success, how do you define that - nevertheless, their job title isn't the whole story. Plus, in this society - people are a bit, er, "flash the good side" yknow.

Good for them, but nothing comes with a guarantee it's good for them - you don't know what worse luck your bad luck has saved you from.

You're seeing surface, image. That's alright, I reckon; you have your own path. Hidden as it might seem.

[ChrisLFCKOP]

Atm I am having a tough spell but thats because of work.  I have a good job, generally enjoy what I do and get paid above the national average salary but its not all sunshine atm.  We don't have enough staff, so I am currently doing the job of two people.  I am drained physically and mentally to the point I am nearly a zombie and homelife is me just trying to recover to get through another working day.  On top of that you have all the depressing news in the world atm.

Some of this is my own fault for not developing my own boundaries (something I am working on) so that I don't feel I can just say enough is enough and just stop.  I have raised the issue up, and interesting the responses I got back from just get on with it to we are doing all we can to bring additional resources in.

Not knowing what you want to do career wise can feel horrible but you will find something that you are content with.

You work to live not live to work. (I see the irony in my saying this)

[spen71]

Atm I am having a tough spell but thats because of work.  I have a good job, generally enjoy what I do and get paid above the national average salary but its not all sunshine atm.  We don't have enough staff, so I am currently doing the job of two people.  I am drained physically and mentally to the point I am nearly a zombie and homelife is me just trying to recover to get through another working day.  On top of that you have all the depressing news in the world atm.

Some of this is my own fault for not developing my own boundaries (something I am working on) so that I don't feel I can just say enough is enough and just stop.  I have raised the issue up, and interesting the responses I got back from just get on with it to we are doing all we can to bring additional resources in.

Not knowing what you want to do career wise can feel horrible but you will find something that you are content with.

You work to live not live to work. (I see the irony in my saying this)

You’re right about the job.    I’ve a degree and a masters,   Worked for big pharma.   Absolutely hated every minute of it.   Started my own window cleaning business and love what I do!

[sattapaartridge]

I dont know if im going through depression or not.

I've separated from my wife since covid started, I'm still working, but i need more money, i cant ask my family for financial help, cos they have none, I'm based in london, but was originally from leicester, so all my deep friendships are normally in leicester. I work from home, so I'm quite lonely most of the time. i have my kids bi-weekly though. so theyre a source of energy i need.

I do drink a lot at the weekends, but usually not during the week, cos i have to keep going, keep working, cos if i dont, and i dont have a job, then this mortgage doesnt get paid, and i dont know..bad stuff will happen.

Quite a lot of the time, i sometimes think "i'll be dead soon anyway", i know it sounds bad, but i wont leave my kids, and will try my best to power them up to being better than i am. I just get some down moments. I usually do pick myself back up though.

Like one of the posters said before, maybe a new job would change everything. Be nice to get a windfall of £50k from somewhere, and move out of this flat and into a house. Sometimes im on zoopla looking for a new property, because i feel like the quality of life im giving my children is not good enough, even if it is bi-weekly. Sometimes i look at autotrader for a BMW 530e see if anything i can afford pops up, and i can feel more empowered, penis extension vibes.

Then there's the dating apps, being indian, its really hard, and fucks with my confidence levels. I barely get any matches, and im not even that ugly, just not as successful as all the 40-somethings? I dunno man. Just feel like life is too hard right now.

Though i do feel typing this out has really helped, even if no one really cares, and doesnt even read it.

Everything will be alright, i keep saying to myself. I do think it will be.

[ChrisLFCKOP]

I dont know if im going through depression or not.

I've separated from my wife since covid started, I'm still working, but i need more money, i cant ask my family for financial help, cos they have none, I'm based in london, but was originally from leicester, so all my deep friendships are normally in leicester. I work from home, so I'm quite lonely most of the time. i have my kids bi-weekly though. so theyre a source of energy i need.

I do drink a lot at the weekends, but usually not during the week, cos i have to keep going, keep working, cos if i dont, and i dont have a job, then this mortgage doesnt get paid, and i dont know..bad stuff will happen.

Quite a lot of the time, i sometimes think "i'll be dead soon anyway", i know it sounds bad, but i wont leave my kids, and will try my best to power them up to being better than i am. I just get some down moments. I usually do pick myself back up though.

Like one of the posters said before, maybe a new job would change everything. Be nice to get a windfall of £50k from somewhere, and move out of this flat and into a house. Sometimes im on zoopla looking for a new property, because i feel like the quality of life im giving my children is not good enough, even if it is bi-weekly. Sometimes i look at autotrader for a BMW 530e see if anything i can afford pops up, and i can feel more empowered, penis extension vibes.

Then there's the dating apps, being indian, its really hard, and fucks with my confidence levels. I barely get any matches, and im not even that ugly, just not as successful as all the 40-somethings? I dunno man. Just feel like life is too hard right now.

Though i do feel typing this out has really helped, even if no one really cares, and doesnt even read it.

Everything will be alright, i keep saying to myself. I do think it will be.

I am sorry you are struggling atm.

It can really be a horrible space and then seeing people being positive and upbeat can really make you switch off more but a few things based on what you have said.

1) Your kids enjoy the time spent with you not where you live or what you afford to do with them, spending time with them counts nothing else.
2) Opening up helps, even if its a post on a forum (it wont solve anything but helps) try a journel/diary? at the end of the day put down how you were feeling out of 5 write down what was shite about the day and what was good.
3) Go see a GP (if you can get an appointment), explain and then ask them what they can offer to help.

Depression does not look the same to everyone and effects everyone the same.

Also plenty of people on here that are willing to listen if you need it. (PM me if you want, I cannot solve anything but I can listen)

[So… Howard Philips]

I dont know if im going through depression or not.

I've separated from my wife since covid started, I'm still working, but i need more money, i cant ask my family for financial help, cos they have none, I'm based in london, but was originally from leicester, so all my deep friendships are normally in leicester. I work from home, so I'm quite lonely most of the time. i have my kids bi-weekly though. so theyre a source of energy i need.

I do drink a lot at the weekends, but usually not during the week, cos i have to keep going, keep working, cos if i dont, and i dont have a job, then this mortgage doesnt get paid, and i dont know..bad stuff will happen.

Quite a lot of the time, i sometimes think "i'll be dead soon anyway", i know it sounds bad, but i wont leave my kids, and will try my best to power them up to being better than i am. I just get some down moments. I usually do pick myself back up though.

Like one of the posters said before, maybe a new job would change everything. Be nice to get a windfall of £50k from somewhere, and move out of this flat and into a house. Sometimes im on zoopla looking for a new property, because i feel like the quality of life im giving my children is not good enough, even if it is bi-weekly. Sometimes i look at autotrader for a BMW 530e see if anything i can afford pops up, and i can feel more empowered, penis extension vibes.

Then there's the dating apps, being indian, its really hard, and fucks with my confidence levels. I barely get any matches, and im not even that ugly, just not as successful as all the 40-somethings? I dunno man. Just feel like life is too hard right now.

Though i do feel typing this out has really helped, even if no one really cares, and doesnt even read it.

Everything will be alright, i keep saying to myself. I do think it will be.

Maybe all of those ‘successful’ 40-somethings are just good liars?

Don’t beat yourself up. I’ve had family members with similar problems and sometimes the only answer is to accept the problems and to try and minimise some of them. You’ll get some good advice here but I’m not sure if we have any 30 plus female Indian posters (I say 30 plus but they’ve probably knocked at least 5 years off their age).

Good luck.

[reddebs]

Why is it I’m 32 years old and still don’t know what I want to do career wise?! Getting me down seeing everyone on their clear paths in different whilst I’ve bounced from job to job (even though this is the best salary I’ve ever had at the moment it won’t last forever).

I don't think it matters really Andy and at just 32 it still gives you plenty of years to find something that satisfies your needs.  Bouncing around as you put it gives you experiences that others who are focused on and follow one route only.

I think rather than look at "jobs" look at experiences.  What bits have you enjoyed and want to expand on and which do you hate and never want to go near again.

Focus on the good stuff and work out how to get more of it.

Oh and stop measuring yourself against what others have done. 

They aren't you and you've no idea what turmoil they suffer whilst appearing all successful 👍

[Billy Elliot]

I'm 47 and I've had what was diagnosed as a panic disorder when I was 19. Since my late 20s I've had depression that comes and goes.

In January I was diagnosed as having ASD with PTSD, as a bonus. Since then the "panic disorder" and depression has made a bit more sense but still coming to terms with it.

I'm due to start EMDR as treatment for the PTSD (yeah, far too many abbreviations), but they want me to be more stable before it begins. But I think I am stable - so fuck knows 

Anyway, anything there that anyone can relate to?

[Max_powers]

Why is it I’m 32 years old and still don’t know what I want to do career wise?! Getting me down seeing everyone on their clear paths in different whilst I’ve bounced from job to job (even though this is the best salary I’ve ever had at the moment it won’t last forever).

If its any consolation there are many in the same position as you, even though you may not think so. I am the same age as you, I make a decent salary, higher than most of my peers, but I am still dissatisfied with work and lost. It just comes down to asking yourself what you really want in life and in work.

After some self-reflection I think my main issue is that I find that I am not really adding value to the world with my work or improving the world in any capacity. I work for a bunch of government agencies that have the ability to tackle big issues in society like climate change, homelessness, environmental degradation but they are too unambitious, underfunded and conservative to do anything other than status quo. Sometimes I just feel like a cog in a machine. 

I am sure you have your own reasons to feel lost. Most of my friends my age all are in the same position. Its tough to be 32 these days it seems.

[Max_powers]

A few things.

1. Your kids won't care about a big house or a BMW and a fancy house won't change your life for better. As a former kid I can tell you that the time and love you give them matters far more than any fancy toys do. That is what they will remember when they are grown up.

2. Dating apps suck, as you mention being Indian may not help but I think in general they are pretty depressing experience for all involved. The best strat is to not feel ashamed and not see it as a sign of rejection. If it works it works if it doesn't then you didn't lose anything.

3.  Drinking less will definitely help improve your mood long term. I started following a strict rule of no drinking unless I am in a social setting and no more than 2 drinks at a time. It helps me get out of the house and meet people if I wanna have a drink.

4. Using the time freed up from drinking on the weekend to do something productive like exercising or volunteering will definitely help you feel more alive and happy.

[spen71]

Reading the last few posts, rings a lot of bells with me.   51 today (I don’t do birthdays!),   Feel a failure and that I don’t contribute much to the world.   I’m a sole trader with a window cleaning business.    I don’t work very well with people,  someone did mention it’s avoidant personality disorder.

[Max_powers]

Reading the last few posts, rings a lot of bells with me.   51 today (I don’t do birthdays!),   Feel a failure and that I don’t contribute much to the world.   I’m a sole trader with a window cleaning business.    I don’t work very well with people,  someone did mention it’s avoidant personality disorder.

Happy Birthday!

Window cleaning is a necessity. You are in charge of your own work, you get to see the fruits of your labour everyday.

My work situation is totally opposite, I am a project manager (Civil Engineering) and it seems that most of my days are just spent sending emails, in meetings, filling out reports and filing documents. I had been always talented at problem solving, mathematics and big picture thinking. I am not sure I get to use much of that at work.

I am thinking of getting a masters and PhD and going into research but I fear that I will be nearly 40 before I am working in full capacity. And I would be earning less than I do now.

Some of the happiest people I know are people who work in some sort of blue collar trade job. The division of labour due to industrialization makes many jobs not very rewarding. If you get to see what you do and see the end result, that is not a bad place to be IMO. 

[reddebs]

Happy Birthday!

Window cleaning is a necessity. You are in charge of your own work, you get to see the fruits of your labour everyday.

My work situation is totally opposite, I am a project manager (Civil Engineering) and it seems that most of my days are just spent sending emails, in meetings, filling out reports and filing documents. I had been always talented at problem solving, mathematics and big picture thinking. I am not sure I get to use much of that at work.

I am think of getting a masters and PhD and going into research but I fear that I will be nearly 40 before I am working in full capacity. And I would be earning less that I do now.

That still gives you many more years to fulfil your life than staying doing what you do now.

[Billy Elliot]

Reading the last few posts, rings a lot of bells with me.   51 today (I don’t do birthdays!),   Feel a failure and that I don’t contribute much to the world.   I’m a sole trader with a window cleaning business.    I don’t work very well with people,  someone did mention it’s avoidant personality disorder.

Can't do much to help mate, but you're not on your own. I can deffo relate.

[TipTopKop]

I say this as someone who loves his job: you're not your job. This thread itself shows that many of us have hidden demons, the black dog stalking us.

What does one need from a job, a career? Comfort or success, how do you define that - nevertheless, their job title isn't the whole story. Plus, in this society - people are a bit, er, "flash the good side" yknow.

Good for them, but nothing comes with a guarantee it's good for them - you don't know what worse luck your bad luck has saved you from.

You're seeing surface, image. That's alright, I reckon; you have your own path. Hidden as it might seem.

Just catching up with this thread and this is wonderful advice. Well worth remembering.

[sattapaartridge]

Thanks guys, for the advice, i really appreciate it.

I've decided I need to put "the gym" in my weekly or ideally, daily routine, as some people have said, getting out and seeing actual other humans would beneficial to mental health. So I am going to join one on a month-to-month basis.  I need to find one where I'm not intimidated by people rushing me.

Drinking is the big thing isnt it. I might try to minimize that a bit more.

Max_Powers! Do the PHD! I wish I was 32 years old again here's what i would tell myself to "invest in myself". As a person who has come from a poor home, I've naturally been "tight" to save every penny I've got for the future. Its a tough one, like, would you have to do it in conjunction to working a busy job too? You're not a parent yet?

[sattapaartridge]

I'm 47 and I've had what was diagnosed as a panic disorder when I was 19. Since my late 20s I've had depression that comes and goes.

In January I was diagnosed as having ASD with PTSD, as a bonus. Since then the "panic disorder" and depression has made a bit more sense but still coming to terms with it.

I'm due to start EMDR as treatment for the PTSD (yeah, far too many abbreviations), but they want me to be more stable before it begins. But I think I am stable - so fuck knows 

Anyway, anything there that anyone can relate to?

My son has Autism (he's only 11), I wonder if you have a photographic memory too, which only adds to your PTSD? Good luck with EMDR mate. Report back and let us know how you feel.

[Max_powers]

Thanks guys, for the advice, i really appreciate it.

I've decided I need to put "the gym" in my weekly or ideally, daily routine, as some people have said, getting out and seeing actual other humans would beneficial to mental health. So I am going to join one on a month-to-month basis.  I need to find one where I'm not intimidated by people rushing me.

Drinking is the big thing isnt it. I might try to minimize that a bit more.

Max_Powers! Do the PHD! I wish I was 32 years old again here's what i would tell myself to "invest in myself". As a person who has come from a poor home, I've naturally been "tight" to save every penny I've got for the future. Its a tough one, like, would you have to do it in conjunction to working a busy job too? You're not a parent yet?

Best of luck to you Satta! I was in a similar position and I found that small changes to my lifestyle really helped uplift my mood.

I am single and have no kids so my lifestyle is flexible. But I also come from a poor family, I have some savings but not enough to pay for everything during my schooling. I would have to do some work alongside my education to survive financially but maybe not full-time work. My big fear is being left behind financially during those years of going back to school, also I kinda feel the societal pressure to have a "normal" life, get married, start a family etc.

[Son of Spion]

I just want to wish everyone in here well.

Things have been a bit hectic and heavy for me recently, hence me filtering out other people's issues a bit in order to look at my own. I've given the thread a swerve for a while as a result. Anyway, I just wanted to wish everyone well.

 

[sattapaartridge]

Best of luck to you Satta! I was in a similar position and I found that small changes to my lifestyle really helped uplift my mood.

I am single and have no kids so my lifestyle is flexible. But I also come from a poor family, I have some savings but not enough to pay for everything during my schooling. I would have to do some work alongside my education to survive financially but maybe not full-time work. My big fear is being left behind financially during those years of going back to school, also I kinda feel the societal pressure to have a "normal" life, get married, start a family etc.

I dunno if you can use something like Open University or any home schooling courses. but you would have to treat it like a second job. requires dedication from what i've seen. Good luck anyway bro.

[Andy @ Allerton!]

Not really ever been depressed. But this day of the year - mum passed away on this date. Biological dad passed away the date before.

Bit grim.

[sattapaartridge]

Not really ever been depressed. But this day of the year - mum passed away on this date. Biological dad passed away the date before.

Bit grim.

Remember the good times mate. Sometimes i remember my dad and think "what an idiot man" cos he was just funny, he died in a stupid way too.

[Andy @ Allerton!]

Remember the good times mate. Sometimes i remember my dad and think "what an idiot man" cos he was just funny, he died in a stupid way too.

Cheers mate. I've had an interesting life - especially when I was young and you have to just keep believing.

But now and then life kicks you in the bollocks.

I had my just deserts today, going to the pub with the missus and getting money and some old fella is stood there, got my cash - still stood there.

Asked him if he was OK (After I crossed) and he said it was really hard to cross, so helped him out.

Felt my mum was there smiling. Miss her and she was brilliant. But hopefully when we lose those we love we can try and play that love along a little.

[jackh]

Cheers mate. I've had an interesting life - especially when I was young and you have to just keep believing.

But now and then life kicks you in the bollocks.

I had my just deserts today, going to the pub with the missus and getting money and some old fella is stood there, got my cash - still stood there.

Asked him if he was OK (After I crossed) and he said it was really hard to cross, so helped him out.

Felt my mum was there smiling. Miss her and she was brilliant. But hopefully when we lose those we love we can try and play that love along a little.

Nice sentiment, Andy - keep them with you in any way you can. Sorry to hear of the difficult timing of your losses.

[spen71]

I’ve no affinity for the monarchy and am completely anti-establishment but the death of the queen has really got to me.    Not because of her but it’s really rammed home the loss of my parents.    Is this normal?

A grief trigger?

[Mumm-Ra]

I’ve no affinity for the monarchy and am completely anti-establishment but the death of the queen has really got to me.    Not because of her but it’s really rammed home the loss of my parents.    Is this normal?

A grief trigger?

Saw a couple of people mention the same in the main thread, I think it's perfectly normal. She was a symbol of the older generation, times gone by, a constant through our lives like our parents were, so it brings a lot of stuff back. I'm sure there's a term for it. All the best, don't let it knock you off course mate.

[reddebs]

I’ve no affinity for the monarchy and am completely anti-establishment but the death of the queen has really got to me.    Not because of her but it’s really rammed home the loss of my parents.    Is this normal?

A grief trigger?

It's 7yrs tomorrow since I lost my dad and I thought I was pretty much over it until this. 

It's brought it all flooding back. 

[Son of Spion]

It's 7yrs tomorrow since I lost my dad and I thought I was pretty much over it until this. 

It's brought it all flooding back.

I think it's triggered renewed feelings of grief in many people. You don't have to be remotely royalist to feel it either.

Royalist or not, the current focus is heavily on grief and loss. Even if we have no interest in the monarchy, most of us have experienced painful loss and intense feelings of grief. When the focus of the nation itself is on grief, it's no surprise that our personal focus turns to our own personal loses, dredging up painful feelings.

I'd say it's quite normal really. It's a bit like how a song, a film, a smell, a memory etc can take us right back to how we felt when we lost a loved one. The current focus on loss can have a similar effect.

I'm no monarchist or establishment man either, but I find the death of the Queen highlights the ephemeral nature of life itself. She was there my entire life (I'm 59) and sort of became a symbol of permanence. Today, her death is stark reminder that nothing and no one lasts. We all die, regardless of who we are and what we've got. That's quite sobering when we really think about it.

I used to know a lovely local lady. She reached 100 years of age and got her message from the Queen. She died just before her 101st birthday. Sometimes it can feel like life is forever, but it really isn't. Anything that throws focus on this fact can be unsettling and trigger memories of past loses and fear of future loses too.

It's normal. Part of negotiating our way through our lives. Uncomfortable, but normal.

[sattapaartridge]

One of my friends who was in the army was in a right state over the queen dying. All the veterans and soldiers under her reign seemed to have a deep loyalty to her. It made me feel so sad for him. He wasn't the brightest at school, but he was a properly good guy.

There are a lot of people with vitriol for the monarchy, but, I think a lot of it is very insensitive. Looking back on years of colonization and only going hard on it now, seems a bit too much for me. You're not going to smack out your aunt for crying at the queens funeral cos of the years of colonization, are you?

[reddebs]

I'm finding it really hard to understand the behaviour and reactions to so much that's happening in the world right now.

It's like some weird computer game is being developed in real time where everyone is fighting against everyone else but nobody really knows why.

There's so much grief, sadness and anger in the world that's being created and exacerbated by powerful people hiding in the shadows.

I despair with where it'll lead us as I can't see how or who can start to reverse it.

[Yosser0_0]

I've not had a very nice week. My missus owns a house which she is preparing to let out next year, in the meantime two of her friends have been staying there for a couple of weeks whilst their house sale completes. So I was tasked with picking up a washing machine and we'd agreed a mutual agreeable time with said friends and that I'd go when they were out at work to keep disruption to a minimum. As its a two man job I went along with my dad, and opened up the house and went straight to the kitchen, although I did think it strange that the alarm wasn't on.

Anyway as I'm sorting the plumbing out, my dad notices what looks like a suicide note on the dining room table and loads of empty pill boxes and askes me if this is a joke? I'm only half listening and it doesn't really register with me, next he says that he's not happy and goes upstairs. He comes downstairs, white as a sheet and says to me it isn't a joke and gets on the phone to the emergency services. So I go up to find what appears to be a body behind one of the bedroom doors, I force it open and find that the bloke is still alive but barely conscious, the pulse in his neck didn't feel particularly strong and I thought about low blood pressure. Through talking to him and sitting him up slightly, he started to come round a little bit, it looked like he'd had half a bottle of whiskey too! I just kept telling him that help was on its way.

Speaking to the emergency services it was really difficult to tell what he'd taken and how much as there were so many empty packets but it looked like a combination of anti depressants, statins and some heart tablets. When the ambulance arrived, they were really worried about his blood pressure and had to lie him flat then put him on a drip to stablise him before getting him to hospital.

I've just heard an update this morning that he's had a stomach pump and needed a couple of nights in ICU, they are now deciding whether to release him to a psychiatric ward or into the custody of a family member, time will tell how permanent the physical damage will be though. I believe he has had some mental issue in the past and currently going through a divorce, the good news is that's it sounds like he's happy to still be alive and regrets his actions. We'd probably got there at about 12 noon, and his brother wasn't due to return until well after 6pm, so I guess timing is quite important with these cases.   

We had a message late on Sunday night that this lad had finally succeeded in taking his own life. The family are devastated after battling like hell to support him and get him the help he needed. I don't believe they left any stone unturned or spared any expensive in the pursuit of trying to get him better, but it does seem that in some cases people get to a point where they are beyond help - how on earth do we bring them back from that point?

All very sad. 

[Son of Spion]

We had a message late on Sunday night that this lad had finally succeeded in taking his own life. The family are devastated after battling like hell to support him and get him the help he needed. I don't believe they left any stone unturned or spared any expensive in the pursuit of trying to get him better, but it does seem that in some cases people get to a point where they are beyond help - how on earth do we bring them back from that point?

All very sad.

I'm so sorry to hear this. I remember your original post.

Sometimes, I just think some people reach their point of no return. It's so incredibly sad.

[AndyMuller]

So sorry to hear that Yosser.

So sad.

[spen71]

That’s heartbreaking.     Mental Health really needs to be talked about more often

[Yosser0_0]

I'm so sorry to hear this. I remember your original post.

Sometimes, I just think some people reach their point of no return. It's so incredibly sad.

I had to do a good search to find the post, nearly two years ago now. Apparently since the incident he has had good times and he told his brother that he was really grateful to my dad and myself for saving him that day and he'd even bought a thank you card but didn't know what to write in it and never sent it in the end. His mother is beside herself with grief and his sons are in deep shock. His two brothers however are kind of consoling themselves in the fact than he is no longer in pain, probably because they've been that much closer to seeing what he's been going through and having to deal with it.

Two of my friends committed suicide in their twenties in very similar circumstances, both hung themselves at their own home and were found by their parents probably days later after the alarm was raised. I can't even imagine what coming across a scene like that does to a parent and I'm glad we never made a discovery like that a couple of years ago. I'm sure the person suffering doesn't consciously set out to cause that type of pain to their friends and family but just cannot recognise how many people still care for them because they are in such a dark place. This almost feels to me like someone who shows some signs of recovery but who is also prone to relapses? What can you do? It seems impossible to watch someone like that 24/7 even though it sounds like his brothers have had to do that on occasions to keep an eye on him during his bad times. He'd also been sectioned a few times.     

[Son of Spion]

I had to do a good search to find the post, nearly two years ago now. Apparently since the incident he has had good times and he told his brother that he was really grateful to my dad and myself for saving him that day and he'd even bought a thank you card but didn't know what to write in it and never sent it in the end. His mother is beside herself with grief and his sons are in deep shock. His two brothers however are kind of consoling themselves in the fact than he is no longer in pain, probably because they've been that much closer to seeing what he's been going through and having to deal with it.

Two of my friends committed suicide in their twenties in very similar circumstances, both hung themselves at their own home and were found by their parents probably days later after the alarm was raised. I can't even imagine what coming across a scene like that does to a parent and I'm glad we never made a discovery like that a couple of years ago. I'm sure the person suffering doesn't consciously set out to cause that type of pain to their friends and family but just cannot recognise how many people still care for them because they are in such a dark place. This almost feels to me like someone who shows some signs of recovery but who is also prone to relapses? What can you do? It seems impossible to watch someone like that 24/7 even though it sounds like his brothers have had to do that on occasions to keep an eye on him during his bad times. He'd also been sectioned a few times.     

As someone who has had to deal with his own suicidal ideation I can say that when you are in that place the whole balance of your mind is totally skewed. You can genuinely feel that your loved ones would be far better off without you. Rationale goes right out of the window. Suppose what I'm saying is you can easily lose sight of any pain you would be putting others through with your actions. It can be all consuming and totally overwhelming.

You did a good thing two years ago. You and your dad helped give him another chance. I'm sure he was genuinely grateful to you both. I know what you mean about relapse. Once that suicidal ideation is in you it can sort of become a default setting you revert back to. I'll be honest with you, I'm happy with who and what I am now. I'm far from perfect, but I can live with the fact these days. I have a fantastic partner too and I'm qualified in mental health. Thing is, I still have my suicide kit. It's in a little box that I've got hidden away.

I'm just sharing this in order to sort of highlight how complex it all is and how some things never leave you. When I'm rational it's difficult to understand how I could ever get so low that I became suicidal, but when I'm depressed I genuinely can't see how I get through another day. Once that black cloud descends, it's very scary. You can lose sight of everything. You don't mean to hurt anyone. You just want your pain to end.

People can only do their best and be supportive where and when they can. Sadly, family are often way out of their depth though. I know mine were when I was really bad. At my lowest, death didn't scare me, but life scared me so much it paralyzed me. It's right there and then that you get to see why suicide feels like a viable option in those moments.

Sorry, I'm sort of rambling on a bit here. I feel for this poor fella and his loved ones. Same with those mates you lost and their loved ones too. I just feel compelled to speak from both sides of the fence on this topic at times.

Take care Yosser.

[Son of Spion]

I'm finding it really hard to understand the behaviour and reactions to so much that's happening in the world right now.

It's like some weird computer game is being developed in real time where everyone is fighting against everyone else but nobody really knows why.

There's so much grief, sadness and anger in the world that's being created and exacerbated by powerful people hiding in the shadows.

I despair with where it'll lead us as I can't see how or who can start to reverse it.

It's difficult to get to grips with, isn't it?

I stopped watching the news when Covid set in back in 2020 due to the relentless misery of it all. Recently I've sort of drifted back into watching it now and again. I did so last night and it put years on me. It's so clear that those running this country and the world itself are complete, total and abject failures.

I know it sounds dramatic, but I genuinely feel that we slipped into becoming a real life dystopia some time ago. Everything seems to have been turned on it's head. Moral compass has met Bermuda triangle and gone haywire.

We try to distance ourselves from it as much as we can. What goes on in our wider world will always affect us, but we try to put as much distance between it and us as possible. Just small things really. Binning off toxic people. Getting out into nature. Concentrating on doing things we value, however small. We can't change the world, but we can change our world. At least we have some control there. I agree, it's tough though. We live in utterly crazy times where much of society seems to have lost its mind.