Topic: Stupid Things Your Wife / Husband / Partner Say

[exilescouse]

My wife is Thai and constantly thinks she needs to tell me she is intelligent because she is a Nurse.

she says "I very intelligent, I a nurse"

anyway one day I could smell burning from the kitchen, I went in and she has buttered some bread and put jam on it, then put it in the pop up toaster, and then tried to get it out with a metal knife when it was still plugged in after I asked her what the hell she is doing.

Anyway, yeah, I very intelligent.

[Red Beret]

One time whilst visiting my Nan, I thought I'd give her a break from her hyperactive nut job of a Staffordshire Bull Terrier and take him for a walk, she thanked me and after passing me his lead she said 'If he starts pulling just give him a hard wank'!! [emoji38][emoji38][emoji38] she was constantly getting words mixed up-I remember her talking about 'Digity watches' in the 1980s [emoji2]

My mum would always ask me to put a film on the VDV player

[rob1966]

Yes

[J-Mc-]

Yes

Why’d you ask them to marry you then soft arse?

[rob1966]

Why’d you ask them to marry you then soft arse?

I was Pissed

Edit - Just a joke by the way, I wouldn't change getting married and having kids - I'd just change me and how I have handled things.

[fingermouse]

Missus reckoned she saw 'a seagull having a heart attack' at the weekend [emoji23][emoji23]

Rest of the convo went something like this...

Me: "How do you know it was a heart attack?"

Missus: "it just dropped out the sky. It was either a heart attack or a brain tumour"

Me: "A brain tumour???"

Missus: "yeah - it happened suddenly...."

[emoji848]

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[Tesco tearaway]

Missus reckoned she saw 'a seagull having a heart attack' at the weekend [emoji23][emoji23]

Rest of the convo went something like this...

Me: "How do you know it was a heart attack?"

Missus: "it just dropped out the sky. It was either a heart attack or a brain tumour"

Me: "A brain tumour???"

Missus: "yeah - it happened suddenly...."

[emoji848]

Sent from my J8210 using Tapatalk

"I'm gonna a skua again; how do you know it was a heart attack?"

[Qston]

slightly off piste but my 14 year old daughter comes out with some proper belters.....

Queuing at the chippy. Woman in front orders "2 fish, 2 chips and 2 peas". Daughter to my wife "why would someone order 2 peas ?"

Walking down New Brighton seafront. Most of the benches have a little memorial plaque. Daughter walking past a few of them "wow, what happened here ?"

[afc tukrish]

slightly off piste but my 14 year old daughter comes out with some proper belters.....

Queuing at the chippy. Woman in front orders "2 fish, 2 chips and 2 peas". Daughter to my wife "why would someone order 2 peas ?"

Walking down New Brighton seafront. Most of the benches have a little memorial plaque. Daughter walking past a few of them "wow, what happened here ?"

Sort of charmingly realist...

[Qston]

Sort of charmingly realist...

She's certainly literal !

[Brian Blessed]

I actually think they're smart things and shes fucking with you

[afc tukrish]

I actually think they're smart things and shes fucking with you

Daddy's little girl, then...

[kellan]

Does it count if it's your mum saying the stupid thing? I've just had this exchange with her after the '1917' movie got mentioned on Lorraine:

Mum: Why is it called 1917?
Probably because that was the year the story takes place.
Mum: But it's about WWI.
Yeah...
Mum: Well you can't be right then because WWI wasn't three years ago.

 

[rob1966]

Sat in the garden yesterday, wifes brother lives next door so doing a social gathering over the fence. He starts telling us about a woman on a local FB group who posted a question "My hot water has gone off, has anyone elses?" Loads of women replying "Just checked mine hon and its OK" and tagging others to check theirs, men replying taking the piss. Me him and his wife collapse in fits of laughter, my missus looks and me and says "I don't get it, am I missing something?"

[Barneylfc∗]

Forgot about posting this.

Around 2 weeks ago I was round painting my girlfriends fence. She asked "Should I stick a couple of wet paint signs up incase a dog tries to lick the paint?"

I'm not sure what is worse, the fact she thinks dogs can read, or that she thinks they go around licking paint.

[rob1966]

Forgot about posting this.

Around 2 weeks ago I was round painting my girlfriends fence. She asked "Should I stick a couple of wet paint signs up incase a dog tries to lick the paint?"

I'm not sure what is worse, the fact she thinks dogs can read, or that she thinks they go around licking paint.

[Mumm-Ra]

Thought he said he was painting her face, I did a proper double-take there

[Tesco tearaway]

Sitting at the dining room table with my 8 year old daughter, when a pair of woodmicks landed in the back garden.
After a bit of billing and cooing the male jumps up onto the females back, and starts doing the business.
"Daaaddd?"
"Yes babe?"
"You know those two pigeons?"
"Yes babe... " Oh God, here we go I thought.
"They're not very good at leapfrog are they?"
"No, no they're not babe."

Whew! 

[fowlermagic]

Think I am watching too much of Bill Burr on UTube as on a walk yesterday with a few from the village and we were chatting about any time we may have been in a fight as a kid. The neighbour said she got her jaw broken once by a girl (was a little shocked to hear this) and I said what did you do to deserve that. Went down like a lead pipe as she was mugged in Edinburgh on a night out.  Damn you Bill

[ToneLa]

I'm happily single, as I'm enjoying the break from being woken up in the morning by being slugged in the shoulder for something I did in a dream. 

[rob1966]

I'm happily single, as I'm enjoying the break from being woken up in the morning by being slugged in the shoulder for something I did in a dream. 

I've suffered that one too

[Buck Pete]

Watching Glastonbury the other night and the Arctic Monkeys were on.  The lead singer says "Were gonna do an old Monkeys song now"

My missus perks up and watches intently.  I never knew she was into them to be honest

The band starts playing one of their early tracks and my missus looks confused and disappointed.

This is when I realised she had never even heard a Arctic Monkeys song and was waiting for them (whoever they were) to play 'Daydream Believer' or 'Last Train to Clarkesville'.

[reddebs]

Watching Glastonbury the other night and the Arctic Monkeys were on.  The lead singer says "Were gonna do an old Monkeys song now"

My missus perks up and watches intently.  I never knew she was into them to be honest

The band starts playing one of their early tracks and my missus looks confused and disappointed.

This is when I realised she had never even heard a Arctic Monkeys song and was waiting for them (whoever they were) to play 'Daydream Believer' or 'Last Train to Clarkesville'.

Reminds me of when I used to get my groups/bands/artists mixed up.

Snow Monkeys and Arctic Patrol always sounded better [emoji16]

Or Destiny's Kitten and Atomic Child [emoji2356]

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[afc tukrish]

Reminds me of when I used to get my groups/bands/artists mixed up.

Snow Monkeys and Arctic Patrol always sounded better [emoji16]

Or Destiny's Kitten and Atomic Child [emoji2356]

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Destiny's Dustbin

Ned's Atomic Child, cracking...

[Brian Blessed]

Culture Boys

Pet Shop Club

[afc tukrish]

Culture Boys

Pet Shop Club

We may the makings of an amusing alternate thread going...

[reddebs]

We may the makings of an amusing alternate thread going...

Well there is that though my mix ups were me trying to sound knowledgable with my then teenage daughter [emoji23]

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[afc tukrish]

Well there is that though my mix ups were me trying to sound knowledgable with my then teenage daughter [emoji23]

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Possibly triggering a Massive Scream and Primal Attack...

My Bloody Cocteau...

[paulrazor]

When you get asked a pointless question they know the answer too and have it premeditated

"Which slice of cake do you want"
"This one"
"Can I not have that one"
"What did you give me a choice for"

Another
"Are you playing football Saturday"
"Yes"
"Well I'm in work so you've to mind the kid so you can't go"


"Did you lock the front door"
"I think I did"
"No you didn't I just did"

Like.the classic only fools and horses scene "why ask?"

[The Bournemouth Red]

This has probably been said, not sure if it's stupid or annoying, but watching a new TV programme or film and being told "Oh, it's him, you know, from that film, you know, with that woman who was in the other show."

[Sudden Death Draft Loser]

This is when I realised she had never even heard a Arctic Monkeys song and was waiting for them (whoever they were) to play 'Daydream Believer' or 'Last Train to Clarkesville'.

Good for her, much better than the Arctic Monkeys

[soxfan]

Saw this story on another forum.

While driving home one day, a truck and trailer was parked in front of a house in our neighborhood. The enclosed trailer had "Alaska to Austin" written on the side.

Me: Man, that's a helluva drive.
Wife: Yeah. I guess they took a ferry or something.
Me: Ferry?
Wife: Well, Alaska being an island an all, I figured they must have taken a ferry or boat to get their truck and trailer here.
Me: Alaska? Alaska has islands, but the state itself isn't an island. Are you thinking of Hawaii?
Wife: No, no, no. Alaska is an island. Every time I see it on a map it's off to the bottom left of us in the ocean. It's an island.
Me: (crickets)

[Lynx the saucy mynx]

When you get asked a pointless question they know the answer too and have it premeditated

"Which slice of cake do you want"
"This one"
"Can I not have that one"
"What did you give me a choice for"

Another
"Are you playing football Saturday"
"Yes"
"Well I'm in work so you've to mind the kid so you can't go"


"Did you lock the front door"
"I think I did"
"No you didn't I just did"

Like.the classic only fools and horses scene "why ask?"

I was about to say that sounds like the why ask Only Fools line until I saw you mention it at the end

[Buck Pete]

Got an Amazon DOT over the weekend.

I swear my missus talks to it like its a real person.

"Alexa, can you play me Paradise by George Ezra please?"

(Yes I know liking George Ezra is a firing squad offence on RAWK, but what can I do!)

[rob1966]

Got an Amazon DOT over the weekend.

I swear my missus talks to it like its a real person.

"Alexa, can you play me Paradise by George Ezra please?"

(Yes I know liking George Ezra is a firing squad offence on RAWK, but what can I do!)

I swear at my Echo Dot A LOT, the fucking deaf cow. Alexa pays as much attention to what I say as the wife does.

[El Lobo]

She’s got us watching a thing about puppies on 5 tonight and they’ve got one herding sheep. She said it’s so impressive how they train them so young and I’ve said it’s not as impressive as the pig that did it, and I’ve shown her a clip of Babe on YouTube and she’s gobsmacked at how much more impressive that was.

[liversaint]

I swear at my Echo Dot A LOT, the fucking deaf cow. Alexa pays as much attention to what I say as the wife does.

Got our Alexa as an alarm clock. One morning, groggy and knackered I said Alexa, you c*nt. She goes 1, 2,3...

[Tesco tearaway]

Got our Alexa as an alarm clock. One morning, groggy and knackered I said Alexa, you c*nt. She goes 1, 2,3...

[Ziltoid]

Wife watching The Crown

"He's a badass isn't he?" referring to Prince Philip!

[rob1966]

Got our Alexa as an alarm clock. One morning, groggy and knackered I said Alexa, you c*nt. She goes 1, 2,3...

Missus was watching something on telly before, one of the characters says "Alexa, play " and the bloody living room Dot woke up and tried to find it.