Topic: Dating thesedays..

[Andy @ Allerton!]

.. I must admit, it's ben a while since I dated and it was mostly a disaster from start to finish. Met some nice girls here and there. Got married in the end

But it all seemed to make some random kind of sense. Yeah bits of bonkers stuff along the way, but there seemed to be some sort of rules (not sure I remember what they were, but that might be my age)

But!

Thesedays, it seems absolutely insane. So many demands. So many pre-requisites, so many things that you need to know and aren't allowed to know. So many ways to date. So many apps. So much is right. So much is wrong. Some much seems completely mental.

Is dating harder today than it used to be, or is it just pretty much like it was.

Was pretty awquard in my day, but that was great because you were as nervous as each other and it kind of worked. Today is seems you must be perfect, confident, established, brainy, knowledgeable and mostly awesome.

Thank fuck I never have to do that again. I'd fail pretty much all of those

[killer-heels]

The internet has messed up dating. For example the amount of people who can now decide to exclude certain races is just fucked up.

[Kenny's Jacket]

The internet has messed up dating. For example the amount of people who can now decide to exclude certain races is just fucked up.

you mean the app allows you to filter out on Race?

[Red-Soldier]

Tinder has now got a retro option (blind date) apparently - users are fed up of being able to exclude others just by looks etc.

[buttersstotch]

The dating apps have opened up the opportunity to meet more people, but it has also distorted dating. There's so much choice, you/they can afford to be endlessly picky looking for the ideal person (who in all likelihood probably doesn't exist). The worst part about it all is you never really know where you stand. It is very tough and not always as fun as people make it out to be.

[Sheer Magnetism]

It's a lot worse than it was a decade ago. I think the transition from websites where you could go through a list of profiles, decide which one you liked the most and message them talking about things you might have in common to a swipe-based app system where you have almost no information to go on besides photos, has made the process far more cynical. Or maybe it just seems that way because I'm a decade worse looking.

I will say that one issue people never talk about in the 'dating is hell' features is that men and women seem to like each other a lot less than they did a decade or two ago. Dating apps are a contributor to that but it feels more like they're where these simmering resentments tend to play out. Women get harassed, men get rejected and each feeds the other.

[Pheeny]

38 years ago I went on a first date and have now been married for 37 years as of today...

[Kenny's Jacket]

Ive had positive experience from apps, had a LTR, from OK CUPID and Badoo.  Its great if you are careful with your time, you can reach the conclusion that their not right, without spending time in coffee shops or pubs.

you are also dealing with people who are interested in a relationship of some sort.

[El Lobo]

Apps have definitely made it worse, but also easier. I went on a date with a girl (well...woman) about six years ago and she fancied herself as a bit of a 'dating app' celebrity. And no word of a lie she must have been getting 2/3k messages a day on these various apps. She showed me her 'Plenty of Fish' account and she had about 9000 different men who had messaged her. Had another one who I had about 6 dates with, had the 'so....when do we start labelling this as a relationship?' conversation and she openly said she was speaking to a few guys at the moment, was dating a few so she'd need to think about which one she wanted to go with

[killer-heels]

you mean the app allows you to filter out on Race?

There are apps that allow you to choose based on skin colour, which means a lot of people just tend to choose people of their own race. I just don't understand the thinking of anyone who decides to date whilst excluding certain members of society of your own age.

However I wonder if this feature has been phased out of more apps now?

[Kenny's Jacket]

There are apps that allow you to choose based on skin colour, which means a lot of people just tend to choose people of their own race. I just don't understand the thinking of anyone who decides to date whilst excluding certain members of society of your own age.

However I wonder if this feature has been phased out of more apps now?

Some people have always had this policy and probably always will unfortunately 

Im more concerned there is actually a feature that perpetuates this

[Sheer Magnetism]

Some people have always had this policy and probably always will unfortunately 

Im more concerned there is actually a feature that perpetuates this

I'm glad those features exist because it saves the time of users who might message those people without knowing they have no chance. Those people are going to make their decisions based on ethnicity whether or not a filter exists.

[ToneLa]

Last time I bothered I just started recognising faces from the previous last time I bothered and figured they weren't after what I was after

For some it's a quick ego boost. Strangers falling at your feet! Telling you you're amazing based on 2 year old pictures. That's just hilariously fake

I've had success off OK Cupid in the past and even Tinder. I don't have a problem with what people do, be dtf, if you're transparent and discerning and safe, whatever, no skin off my nose

I am in a happy relationship now though and I met her through music. Shared, esoteric interests.

I suppose I see the filtering like this: you can't actually know who will turn out brilliant for you. That's something that time proves, that you have to allow for. And you have to have actual, face to face, tangible chemistry

However people get together, good for them!

But I wouldn't try online ever again. It's too easy and just does a poor job of representing how people truly are. Nothing I actually value in life has come easy. There's a lesson in that, for me at least.

If you were growing up now it would be your reality and normal for you. I don't have a problem with that. But I don't wish I was younger. No chance

[Slick_Beef]

There's so much choice, you/they can afford to be endlessly picky looking for the ideal person (who in all likelihood probably doesn't exist).

This is anecdotal but therapist told me that in recent years she has had numerous clients who have fallen into this trap (and then come to her despondent that they are single).

I tried Tinder for the first time a few months ago after my marriage ended. The dopamine hit of getting matches and going on dates felt good for a short time but I feel like if I ever wanted to be in a relationship again it's far more likely to be through events with people that have shared interests (stuff like Meetup ) than online dating apps.

[tubby]

I missed the app dating by a whisker, but had a decent run on the dating sites before the apps came in.  Plenty of Fish was just an online knocking shop, full of folks who just wanted a quick lay, but OK Cupid was way better and I had a few very positive dates off the back of that.

Speed dating was really fun, though, would absolutely recommend people in the dating game give it a go.  Had a blast the few times I went, and sure, you'll meet a few dickheads, but mostly it's an interesting experience and you can end up talking about anything and everything.

Weirdly, my girlfriend of 8 years now was dating at the same time as me, in the same area, on the same sites, but we never crossed paths.

[surfer. Fuck you generator.]

It's fundamentally flawed allowing the other person prep time to present the best / prepared side of themselves if you wish to get quality info on their character.  Not saying be Will Smith on Woody Harrelson in Seven Pounds,  but at minimum,  you need that face to face contact, their countenance as you engage,  the tone,  the physical info and finally the words. With the ultimate understanding that nothing of substance can be gleaned from talk anyway,  regardless of how fantastic it may feel,  need to see each other in action over a period of time.

Have stayed well away from online social media tech (dating apps and sites etc)  from its advent till now other than for work stuff.   Makes no sense on almost all aspects,  far less work involved in just walking up to a person you may share similar interests with / want to know better and talking to her.

[tubby]

Makes no sense on almost all aspects,  far less work involved in just walking up to a person you may share similar interests with / want to know better and talking to her.

Disagree on this, I've met and got to know countless people who share my (niche) interests through chat rooms, forums and the like.  The internet has been immense for allowing folks who share common interests to connect.

[surfer. Fuck you generator.]

Disagree on this, I've met and got to know countless people who share my (niche) interests through chat rooms, forums and the like.  The internet has been immense for allowing folks who share common interests to connect.

Yeah interest based forums are great,  I meant the dating / social type sites, will clarify.

[tubby]

Yeah interest based forums are great,  I meant the dating / social type sites, will clarify.

I think even with the dating sites you've got a good filter.  When I was on OK Cupid I just listed a bunch of stuff I was into and it suggested other people who had similar tastes.  Dunno how it works with the apps, but it's a good starting point on the websites.

[ToneLa]

I never did figure out what was wrong with my tinder headline

I'M A COWBOY INTO ANYTHING HEAVY

I mean what's wrong with that

[damomad]

I have used the apps on and off, and find them depressing as fuck. Both due to how fake profiles are and how judgemental/shallow I become when using them. Or maybe I'm always that way but it unveils the ugly truth!

Much happier being single and never having to use them.

[Kenny's Jacket]

far less work involved in just walking up to a person you may share similar interests with / want to know better and talking to her.

Ive no confidence  with women, I was in the friend zone with my ex-wife for ages, she was waiting for me to 'make a move' that I didnt have the courage to make.

on a dating app I think it removes that

[Kenny's Jacket]

I'm glad those features exist because it saves the time of users who might message those people without knowing they have no chance. Those people are going to make their decisions based on ethnicity whether or not a filter exists.

Thats obviously true, and yes it saves people from getting rejected based on race, but it still doesnt sit right with me that its legitimised, via a filter

[AndyInVA]

I was on date sites for years but oddly ended up meeting my wife in real life.

Date sites like anything else are what you make them. However, the first few months of using them are a nightmare as it takes a while to figure what people want and you can start to realize what people are after. They are really good if all you want is quick hook up and bang. If that is what you want, then date sites are quite fantastic.

If you want something more serious then it takes a lot more effort. I found my self putting the women on sites in different categories. Some do want the ego boost as mentioned before and will usually have some racy picture that just grabs attention. Some frankly just want dinner. All they want is to be taken out somewhere nice, make almost no effort when you get there and expect you to pay the bill. Some women are not serious and just want to date a bunch of people and some genuinely want something serious. I'm sure guys fit into similar categories with a few differences.

If you live in any kind of urban area the choice is staggering and it is always easy to find a reason to not date someone as there is always someone on the site or about to be on the site. I've heard dating in New York is impossible as the choice is so huge and everyone always looks for that next person that is just a bit better.

I had several long term relationships (ish) and made some good friends who I stopped dating but stayed friends.

Apps are just so practical. You can chat to people from your sofa. Also I think its pretty easy to sort of get a feel if you will not like someone really quickly on the apps. The first date is never a first date. Its more of an interview. The second meeting is the actual date. All in all I enjoyed the apps and had some great experiences and for a while dated on an industrial basis with having about three dates a week for a while when I was a bit mental after my divorce.

[AndyInVA]

Thats obviously true, and yes it saves people from getting rejected based on race, but it still doesnt sit right with me that its legitimised, via a filter

Totally agree. IN real world people make choices based on all kinds of fairly facile things that don't sit right when you put them on paper. Having the date site reinforce that prejudice just doesnt sit right with me either.

I seem to remember POF use to allow you to discriminate on race, height, weight as things we really can't change.

[Buck Pete]

I never did figure out what was wrong with my tinder headline

I'M A COWBOY INTO ANYTHING HEAVY

I mean what's wrong with that

Places visited:

SHU Pelican Bay
Folsom B-wing

[Sudden Death Draft Loser]

I'm too old for dating
 

[RedSince86]

I'm so glad i never ventured on the likes of Tinder and such, they seem so shallow and full of rejection which cannot be good for self esteem.

I guess i'm old fashioned.

[jackh]

.. I must admit, it's ben a while since I dated and it was mostly a disaster from start to finish. Met some nice girls here and there. Got married in the end

But it all seemed to make some random kind of sense. Yeah bits of bonkers stuff along the way, but there seemed to be some sort of rules (not sure I remember what they were, but that might be my age)

But!

Thesedays, it seems absolutely insane. So many demands. So many pre-requisites, so many things that you need to know and aren't allowed to know. So many ways to date. So many apps. So much is right. So much is wrong. Some much seems completely mental.

[/B]Is dating harder today than it used to be, or is it just pretty much like it was.[/B]

Was pretty awquard in my day, but that was great because you were as nervous as each other and it kind of worked. Today is seems you must be perfect, confident, established, brainy, knowledgeable and mostly awesome.

Thank fuck I never have to do that again. I'd fail pretty much all of those

Love the random curiosity.

[jackh]

This thread was quite entertaining at times: https://www.redandwhitekop.com/forum/index.php?topic=301744.0

Wonder if this one should be merged into it?

[killer-heels]

I'm glad those features exist because it saves the time of users who might message those people without knowing they have no chance. Those people are going to make their decisions based on ethnicity whether or not a filter exists.

Interesting to see if this results in less mixed race relationships.

[ToneLa]

Places visited:

SHU Pelican Bay
Folsom B-wing

Interests: music. (sings Walton Prison Blues)

[Claire.]

This thread was quite entertaining at times: https://www.redandwhitekop.com/forum/index.php?topic=301744.0

Wonder if this one should be merged into it?

Nah, different type of threads.

[please, I have my reasons for it but...]

It's harder than quantum physics. Dating apps ruined dating for me. It's almost impossible to go to a woman now and talk at a bar/lounge and the only thing dating apps confirmed for me was that I'm ugly as fuck.

[Chakan]

Met my now wife on a dating site, so it's possible.

[Yosser0_0]

Totally agree. IN real world people make choices based on all kinds of fairly facile things that don't sit right when you put them on paper. Having the date site reinforce that prejudice just doesnt sit right with me either.

I seem to remember POF use to allow you to discriminate on race, height, weight as things we really can't change.

It's a filter! And as discussed, it can help people save time by not messaging others outside of their selection criteria. The 'filters' also include location, rightly so, what's the point in receiving messages from people 200 miles away if you are not prepred to travel?

I'm quite tall but I've never been attracted to tall girls, that's just me and I really can't see that changing. Perhaps when I think about tall girls, it gives me flashbacks to that scene in 'Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo'.
 
 

[Filler.]

Fair fucks anyone gets you to the next stage Andy.

[Riquende]

I read an article the other day from someone with a book about internet dating coming out, she was saying that a huge change (that seems to fly under the radar) is that dating has become a separate 'compartment' of people's lives than their general socialising. Back in the day, if you met a 'friend of a friend' or similar, then the two of you would probably hang out a lot in bigger groups, and have quite a few common acquaintances.

That sort of thing seems to be actively turning people off each other now, with students not wanting to date anyone at their own uni in case of complications, or people ghosting others once their profiles connect and they can see if there are any mutual friends (some of these apps connect to facebook profiles etc).

I don't know what the long term consequences of this are. Do people feel more pressured to stay together with lots of mutual friends expecting them to? Does they help them get over a rough patch in a relationship rather than run, knowing that there won't be any social fallout to deal with?

[AndyInVA]

It's a filter! And as discussed, it can help people save time by not messaging others outside of their selection criteria. The 'filters' also include location, rightly so, what's the point in receiving messages from people 200 miles away if you are not prepred to travel?

I'm quite tall but I've never been attracted to tall girls, that's just me and I really can't see that changing. Perhaps when I think about tall girls, it gives me flashbacks to that scene in 'Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo'.
 
 

Of course on a practical level filters level make perfect sense for all kinds of real world reasons, distance being one. I'm just saying that along with Kennys Jacket, being able to 'filter' on race didn't seem to be right. That's all.

[killer-heels]

It's a filter! And as discussed, it can help people save time by not messaging others outside of their selection criteria. The 'filters' also include location, rightly so, what's the point in receiving messages from people 200 miles away if you are not prepred to travel?

I'm quite tall but I've never been attracted to tall girls, that's just me and I really can't see that changing. Perhaps when I think about tall girls, it gives me flashbacks to that scene in 'Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo'.
 
 

Filtering out distance makes practical sense. Race makes no sense.