Author Topic: Jokes so bad they're punny (Read 671018 times)

Groundskeeper Willie · « **Reply #2720 on:** April 16, 2019, 10:17:18 am »

You should be banned.

Dirkydirkdirk · « **Reply #2721 on:** April 16, 2019, 02:10:34 pm »

Did you hear about the man who took British Airways to court over some lost luggage?

He lost his case.

BlackandWhitePaul · « **Reply #2722 on:** April 16, 2019, 02:24:20 pm »

Quote from: Dirkydirkdirk on April 16, 2019, 02:10:34 pm

Did you hear about the man who took British Airways to court over some lost luggage?

He lost his case.

Is it the same man, and the same case because if I haven't heard this at least 17,000 times I'll eat my hat.

Tesco tearaway · « **Reply #2723 on:** April 16, 2019, 02:25:19 pm »

For those that can't keep up.

"Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know; why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the idiots house."

I realise that was a bad joke.
Try this one.

"Knock knock.
Who's there?
The chicken."

I realise it got a bit messed up with all the 'off topic-ish' replies.
But calling for me to be banned? Ffs

ChaChaMooMoo · « **Reply #2724 on:** April 16, 2019, 02:29:20 pm »

Quote from: Tesco tearaway on April 16, 2019, 02:25:19 pm

For those that can't keep up.

"Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know; why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the idiots house."

I realise that was a bad joke.
Try this one.

"Knock knock.
Who's there?
The chicken."

I realise it got a bit messed up with all the 'off topic-ish' replies.
But calling for me to be banned? Ffs

You should still be banned.

Tesco tearaway · « **Reply #2725 on:** April 16, 2019, 02:34:03 pm »

Quote from: ChaChaMooMoo on April 16, 2019, 02:29:20 pm

You should still be banned.

Brian Blessed · « **Reply #2726 on:** April 16, 2019, 03:33:49 pm »

Quote from: ChaChaMooMoo on April 16, 2019, 02:29:20 pm

You should still be banned.

Even moreso, if anything.

Barneylfc∗ · « **Reply #2727 on:** April 16, 2019, 06:37:42 pm »

Quote from: Tesco tearaway on April 16, 2019, 02:25:19 pm

For those that can't keep up.

"Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know; why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the idiots house."

I realise that was a bad joke.
Try this one.

"Knock knock.
Who's there?
The chicken."

I realise it got a bit messed up with all the 'off topic-ish' replies.
But calling for me to be banned? Ffs

Calling for you to be banned was funnier than the jokes to be fair

Dirkydirkdirk · « **Reply #2728 on:** April 16, 2019, 07:31:23 pm »

Quote from: BlackandWhitePaul on April 16, 2019, 02:24:20 pm

Is it the same man, and the same case because if I haven't heard this at least 17,000 times I'll eat my hat.

No, different fella. It happens quite a lot.

Tesco tearaway · « **Reply #2729 on:** April 16, 2019, 10:37:11 pm »

Quote from: Barneylfc on April 16, 2019, 06:37:42 pm

Calling for you to be banned was funnier than the jokes to be fair

Can't argue with that

Had a shit couple of days in work; apologies all round

Tesco tearaway · « **Reply #2730 on:** April 16, 2019, 10:38:17 pm »

Quote from: BlackandWhitePaul on April 16, 2019, 02:24:20 pm

Is it the same man, and the same case because if I haven't heard this at least 17,000 times I'll eat my hat.

Is it a pork pie hat?

bigbonedrawky · « **Reply #2731 on:** April 17, 2019, 12:03:12 pm »

Quote from: Tesco tearaway on April 16, 2019, 10:38:17 pm

Is it a pork pie hat?

No it's a mag pie hat.

Conocinico · « **Reply #2732 on:** April 17, 2019, 12:25:28 pm »

What's the difference between Bono and God?

God doesn't walk around Dublin thinking he's Bono.

Kenny's Jacket · « **Reply #2733 on:** April 17, 2019, 06:36:12 pm »

A pirate goes into his old boozer, the Barman says "Hey Ive not seen you in a while, what happened, you look terrible?"

"What do you mean?" replied the pirate, Im fine

Barman "Well you didnt have that wooden leg before"
Pirate "Aaaagh well I was in a battle and it got blown off by a cannon ball, but Im fine now"

Barman "OK, but what about that hook, what hairappened there?"
Pirate "Fair enough, that was another battle, I lost my hand in a swordfight"

Barman "So what about the eye patch then?"
Pirate We were on board the ship, a flock of birds flew over, as I looked up one of them shat in my eye"
Barman "Huh you lost an eye just from bird shit?"
Pirate - "Well that was my first day with the hook"

dudleyred · « **Reply #2734 on:** April 17, 2019, 06:39:16 pm »

Quote from: Kenny's Jacket on April 17, 2019, 06:36:12 pm

A pirate goes into his old boozer, the Barman says "Hey Ive not seen you in a while, what happened, you look terrible?"

"What do you mean?" replied the pirate, Im fine

Barman "Well you didnt have that wooden leg before"
Pirate "Aaaagh well I was in a battle and it got blown off by a cannon ball, but Im fine now"

Barman "OK, but what about that hook, what hairappened there?"
Pirate "Fair enough, that was another battle, I lost my hand in a swordfight"

Barman "So what about the eye patch then?"
Pirate We were on board the ship, a flock of birds flew over, as I looked up one of them shat in my eye"
Barman "Huh you lost an eye just from bird shit?"
Pirate - "Well that was my first day with hook"

Brian Blessed · « **Reply #2735 on:** April 18, 2019, 12:43:44 am »

Ashley Young approves.

Elmo! · « **Reply #2736 on:** April 18, 2019, 08:05:00 am »

A woman runs into a hospital and asks a doctor "My husband was rushed into hospital with a violent spasm in his bum, where is he?"

The doctor replied "ICU baby, shaking that ass".

ChaChaMooMoo · « **Reply #2737 on:** April 18, 2019, 08:34:58 am »

Quote from: Brian Blessed on April 18, 2019, 12:43:44 am

Ashley Young approves.

I approve this reference.

tubby · « **Reply #2738 on:** April 18, 2019, 01:08:28 pm »

Quote from: Just Elmo? on April 18, 2019, 08:05:00 am

A woman runs into a hospital and asks a doctor "My husband was rushed into hospital with a violent spasm in his bum, where is he?"

The doctor replied "ICU baby, shaking that ass".

Fuck's sake.

24/7 · « **Reply #2739 on:** April 18, 2019, 01:49:15 pm »

Quote from: Just Elmo? on April 18, 2019, 08:05:00 am

A woman runs into a hospital and asks a doctor "My husband was rushed into hospital with a violent spasm in his bum, where is he?"

The doctor replied "ICU baby, shaking that ass".

that's how it's done, Tesco Tearaway

BlackandWhitePaul · « **Reply #2740 on:** April 18, 2019, 03:08:13 pm »

Quote from: Just Elmo? on April 18, 2019, 08:05:00 am

A woman runs into a hospital and asks a doctor "My husband was rushed into hospital with a violent spasm in his bum, where is he?"

The doctor replied "ICU baby, shaking that ass".

Hahahaha, best one on here for months, possibly years.

Tesco tearaway · « **Reply #2741 on:** April 18, 2019, 04:34:21 pm »

Quote from: Just Elmo? on April 18, 2019, 08:05:00 am

A woman runs into a hospital and asks a doctor "My husband was rushed into hospital with a violent spasm in his bum, where is he?"

The doctor replied "ICU baby, shaking that ass".

Tesco tearaway · « **Reply #2742 on:** April 18, 2019, 04:37:06 pm »

Quote from: 24/7 on April 18, 2019, 01:49:15 pm

that's how it's done, Tesco Tearaway

Well at least it was a bad joke; just forgot about the funny bit

Brian Blessed · « **Reply #2743 on:** April 18, 2019, 07:47:43 pm »

I have a friend with a phobia of negative numbers. He stops at nothing to avoid them.

Gaz123456 · « **Reply #2744 on:** April 18, 2019, 11:11:23 pm »

Terrible to hear about the Notre Dame fire, but there's one witness come forward.

Apparently he didn't see how it started...……. but he does have a hunch.

BlackandWhitePaul · « **Reply #2745 on:** April 19, 2019, 10:28:34 am »

Quote from: Gaz123456 on April 18, 2019, 11:11:23 pm

Terrible to hear about the Notre Dame fire, but there's one witness come forward.

Apparently he didn't see how it started...……. but he does have a hunch.

Dirkydirkdirk · « **Reply #2746 on:** April 19, 2019, 11:12:49 am »

The inventor of smutty innuendo has died.

His wife is taking it really hard.

Groundskeeper Willie · « **Reply #2747 on:** April 19, 2019, 03:19:37 pm »

Quote from: Tesco tearaway on April 16, 2019, 02:25:19 pm

For those that can't keep up.

"Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know; why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the idiots house."

I realise that was a bad joke.
Try this one.

"Knock knock.
Who's there?
The chicken."

I realise it got a bit messed up with all the 'off topic-ish' replies.
But calling for me to be banned? Ffs

Can't believe you're still allowed to post.

Tesco tearaway · « **Reply #2748 on:** April 19, 2019, 08:11:15 pm »

Quote from: Groundskeeper Willie on April 19, 2019, 03:19:37 pm

Can't believe you're still allowed to post.

I can't believe you don't recognise a quality joke when you see one

24/7 · « **Reply #2749 on:** April 19, 2019, 08:53:29 pm »

The Isles of Scilly are not exactly know for their options for grocery shopping - there's a Co-op on St Mary's which is decent but not much else anywhere else, certainly not at the budget end!

Well, one of the other larger islands will change all that by building an affordable outlet of one well-known brand!

It's not going to be much, but it's a start. Because, Tresco, every Lidl helps.

(Fuck off youse - that's an original

)

John C · « **Reply #2750 on:** April 19, 2019, 08:58:35 pm »

Quote from: Dirkydirkdirk on April 19, 2019, 11:12:49 am

The inventor of smutty innuendo has died.

His wife is taking it really hard.

That fucking killed me mate, brilliant

fucking funny as fuck.

24/7 · « **Reply #2751 on:** April 19, 2019, 09:12:55 pm »

Quote from: John C on April 19, 2019, 08:58:35 pm

That fucking killed me mate, brilliant fucking funny as fuck.

Apparently the fella would write most of his stuff alone but it was nowhere near as rewarding as when someone else was giving him a hand.

Groundskeeper Willie · « **Reply #2752 on:** April 19, 2019, 10:48:28 pm »

24/7 · « **Reply #2753 on:** April 20, 2019, 06:34:53 pm »

Easter lamb at 50% off at the butcher's today. That's sheep at half the price.

Fitzy. · « **Reply #2754 on:** April 20, 2019, 10:59:50 pm »

Cop: say the alphabet backwards

Me: the alphabet backwards

Cop: okay, you’re under arrest

Me: but you said—

Cop: I didn’t say simon says

Me: oh shit

Fitzy. · « **Reply #2755 on:** April 20, 2019, 11:02:10 pm »

Cop: you're under arrest for evading an officer.

Me: you never said simon says.

Second cop: *handcuffing the first cop* rules are rules.

Tesco tearaway · « **Reply #2756 on:** April 20, 2019, 11:34:03 pm »

Quote from: Fitzy. on April 20, 2019, 10:59:50 pm

Cop: say the alphabet backwards

Me: the alphabet backwards

Cop: okay, you’re under arrest

Me: but you said—

Cop: I didn’t say simon says

Me: oh shit

Quote from: Fitzy. on April 20, 2019, 11:02:10 pm

Cop: you're under arrest for evading an officer.

Me: you never said simon says.

Second cop: *handcuffing the first cop* rules are rules.

Groundskeeper Willie is gonna come down on you like a ton of bricks.
Start saying your goodbyes now

Malaysian Kopite · « **Reply #2757 on:** April 21, 2019, 01:55:06 am »

I liked them

Groundskeeper Willie · « **Reply #2758 on:** April 21, 2019, 12:40:57 pm »

Quote from: Fitzy. on April 20, 2019, 10:59:50 pm

Cop: say the alphabet backwards

Me: the alphabet backwards

Cop: okay, you’re under arrest

Me: but you said—

Cop: I didn’t say simon says

Me: oh shit

Everything is forgiven Tesco Tearaway .

Groundskeeper Willie · « **Reply #2759 on:** April 21, 2019, 12:41:44 pm »

Quote from: Fitzy. on April 20, 2019, 11:02:10 pm

Cop: you're under arrest for evading an officer.

Me: you never said simon says.

Second cop: *handcuffing the first cop* rules are rules.

Go to jail. Go straight to jail without passing Go.