Why are you being insulted because you have a new job?
Are they jealous?
I struggle with the answer. It's not a load to be jealous of, since while it is boss it either ends in a few months when the work-from-home Lockdown ends, or entails moving to London on a very low wage albeit in a job I find absolutely happy
Neighbour had a go at me in the boozer, saying I've wasted the last few years (the timeframe was since he moved in, so I'll just talk about that period). During which I moved back into my parents' to take care of my mum as my dad couldn't cope and my sisters were busy raising families, when she got the cancer which eventually killed her, shattering me and my family in the process. Then less than two years later my brother in law was killed by a bad driver who never said sorry to the family and did less than 6 months for taking away the daddy of a little girl, my heart was broken by my niece jumping up saying "daddy?" every time I went round, and wouldn't you know it, the case made the papers and nutcase American religious groups started sending me and my sister death threats on Twitter because I was quoted in a newspaper supporting her decision to take him off life support as he had less than 15% brain capacity and was comatose with no way out. I came shining through there as well. That sister and me are close. I can do no wrong there; she is my best friend.
And then you add the Universal Credit bollocks I've moaned about enough on here, the apex was them not paying me for 6 months due to an IT glitch and me having to go absolutely nuclear, and somehow managing to get on the Vicky Derbyshire show to warn people about the Tories and hold up a mirror to my absolutely wrecked non-life to throw warnings out about Universal Credit which, well, look at the last election result...
My other sister took us out for a meal tonight, and ruined it for me by going into a big angry tirade about how there is no
possible way I could move to London and it's not going to happen. Mayyybe, but I'm not soft, I already thought I'd just try to get what I can from this situ. When all I said was I'm happy with the job but it is technically based in London and I got it because of the work from home situation we all contend with. I suspect it's because my dad is showing small but worrying signs of dementia and I'm currently looking after him. I haven't lived in years, I won't abandon him but we can't currently get my dad seen anyway and he's not *that* bad. Could be nothing, yknow? Honestly difficult to tell, he's in his late 70s.
My neighbour's tirade got very personal including claiming I "made up" my depression because he "doesn't believe in it" (I even saw a psychiatrist about it, who was gracious enough to point out 1) it's grief more than anything and 2) medicating depression is one thing and I can always take the roue but I did seem to have
actual genuine reasons to be unhappy and I didn't seem a risk to anyone, even myself. She said I was clinically depressed, but to think deeply about it, and I never quite concluded that a course of citalopram could help my specific problems, which weren't mood. This is grim, but sometimes I reckon it is perfectly appropriate to find a bad enough situation depressing.)
So to my neighbour, I reject it out of hand - I've lost a friend there, but I was happy and he just tore me down out of nowhere after years of being sound, he got really vicious, claiming you can "shrug off" depression (or grief), I take sacrificing things to help my mum very personally (who wouldn't?) and don't particularly appreciate being called a "loser" because I didn't, as he suggested, "just go out into the world and let it take care of itself" as I seriously think that would have been abandoning my family.
And my sister, I can ask only this: What am I supposed to do? I've tried for years now to get permanent work in the north west. It isn't happening. I have a promising new job that might mean I have to risk things but it feels so stark: I either fall out with my family, or stay absolutely tied to a nowhere town where think I might actually rather die than grow old here and I wish that wasn't my overriding though every day.
I resist thinking I'm depressed as don't see how medication would solve these problems: I also don't think I'm doing anything wrong. The way I see it, mate: I had a bad few years. Some of the things are what we all go through (everyone, sadly, sooner or later will experience losing a parent). Some was extraordinary and fluke-level awful. And job stuff, much as I hate to let the Tories off with Universal Credit, there are worse off than me and I survived and yes I work now in a great job and I was flying until other people decided to butt in with their judgements on my life.
Isn't it what you're meant to do? Work to go out on your own? Why am I still here? Lack of opportunity. So why is it suddenly worth having a go at me for, now it looks like I could leave to what's possibly a bad idea anyway but I'm tired of being afraid?
I don't care if I'm a loser. I don't care if other men would've fucked off to avoid their family tragedies. It ain't me, babe. And I resent the lack of choices: when I'm out of work, it's "get any job". When I DO get "any" job, it's "but but you can't go your own way". My own way is just getting a steady job and living somewhere else to be happy. I don't have kids, I'm not married, I'm free, surely?
A strong part of me this time is thinking: fuck 'em, I've done my bit. I want to and will make sure my dad is not in peril (he is showing some worrying signs of memory loss and mood swings) which has been made infinitely harder to manage with the Corona monstrosity.
I'm just wondering what it will actually take to not have people have a go at me for wanting what other people have. I want to live somewhere else. I want to meet new people. I want to bury this part of my life for good. I'd understand any resentment if I was a massive paedo or a criminal or something. I want to shore my dad up, and if he's not OK that's a different situ, but fast just hating the idea of telling anything to anyone.
Which really isn't me, so that's why I'm posting here. Because fuck it, I've had a horrible, horrible decade and I really don't see why anyone should have a pop at me. Strangers, Twitter, forums - I get it. Friends? Family?
Is it because it seems I might actually vanish and get on with my life? Struggling for an answer here. I mean, it would even be better if I wasn't so fucking miserable about it. Honest to god, though, I was so happy I'd gotten a job I really wanted - and that's when I'm brought low, as soon as I smile.
So maybe it is jealousy. Because in my best moments, and thank god I do have friends and even strangers who see this, I've faced down an awful lot of shit these past few years. Maybe the fact I can restart my life elsewhere (probably) is what's making me a sudden target?
Right now the light has gone out a bit: my next move will surely piss off someone. Myself if nobody else. Fuck the neighbour, something is up there; I'm really just really hurt one of my own family can't see what it's doing to me. It's not like they weren't around to see the facts first hand.
