Author Topic: Jokes so bad they're punny (Read 671540 times)

Slightly Less Mediocre Baron Bennekov · « **Reply #3520 on:** October 8, 2019, 08:21:17 am »

Quote from: Red_Bear on October 7, 2019, 09:10:04 pm

I can't believe that someone broke into my garage last night and stole my limbo stick.

Seriously, how low can you go?!

sinnermichael · « **Reply #3521 on:** October 9, 2019, 02:00:11 pm »

My missus says I have to stop acting like a flamingo.

That's when I put my foot down.

blert596 · « **Reply #3522 on:** October 9, 2019, 08:51:08 pm »

I was reading a horror book in braille last night, and I just knew something bad was about to happen.

I could feel it.

soxfan · « **Reply #3523 on:** October 10, 2019, 12:44:28 am »

A filthy rich investor bought his gorgeous fit blonde wife a new automatic Jaguar coupe.

During the very first week of ownership, his blonde wife drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won’t move at all. After trying to drive the car at night for a second week without any luck, she furiously calls the Jaguar dealer and they send a technician out to the couple's mansion.

The technician examines the car's transmission, takes it out for a test ride, and finds nothing wrong with it.

So he turns to the blonde and asks, “Ma’am, are you sure you are using the right gears?”

Full of anger, the blonde replies, “How on earth you could ask such a question!? I’m not stupid you know! Of course I am using the right gears! I use D during the day and N at night.”

paulrazor · « **Reply #3524 on:** October 10, 2019, 09:11:42 am »

Quote from: Medellin on October 7, 2019, 03:39:24 pm

I was rudely awoken at 2am this morning by 3 Evertonians playing football outside my house with a hedgehog.
Shocked and outraged I was just about to call the RSPCA when the hedgehog went 1-0 up.

YES

Quote from: soxfan on October 10, 2019, 12:44:28 am

thought it was going down another route there, that reminded me of a neighbour who was going mental at a car garage for her brand new car breaking down daily, so they went to drive with her. as she starts off she pulled out this lever. the guy goes
"what the hell are you doing"
"its for my handbag"

turned out she thought the choke lever was somewhere to hang her bag

Medellin · « **Reply #3525 on:** October 10, 2019, 11:35:29 am »

Teacher: Billy if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot 1 how many birds are left?

Billy: None the others would fly away at the sound of the gun.

Teacher: The answer is 4 but I like the way you think.

Billy: I have a question Miss. There are 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 licking, 1 biting, and 1 sucking, which one is married?

Teacher blushing, nervously answers “the one sucking.”

Billy: The answer is the one wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you think!

WTF? · « **Reply #3526 on:** October 10, 2019, 11:57:25 am »

It takes me 10 minutes to walk from my house to the pub, yet it takes me 30 minutes to walk back from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering...

sinnermichael · « **Reply #3527 on:** October 10, 2019, 07:44:18 pm »

I asked my missus what she wanted for her birthday.

She said, "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."

So I got her nothing.

Zeppelin · « **Reply #3528 on:** October 11, 2019, 12:05:34 pm »

I bought a new satnav, voiced by Bono of U2 and now the streets have no name and I still haven't found what I'm looking for. I changed it to a Bonnie Tyler one - It just tells me to turn around, and every now and then it falls apart. Finally, I got a Talking Heads one and it doesn't save routes so we know where we're going but we don't know where we've been.

McrRed · « **Reply #3529 on:** October 11, 2019, 12:18:23 pm »

Can anyone tell me the actor that starred in Forrest Gump?

T.Hanks

paulrazor · « **Reply #3530 on:** October 11, 2019, 12:21:57 pm »

Quote from: Zeppelin on October 11, 2019, 12:05:34 pm

I bought a new satnav, voiced by Bono of U2 and now the streets have no name and I still haven't found what I'm looking for. I changed it to a Bonnie Tyler one - It just tells me to turn around, and every now and then it falls apart. Finally, I got a Talking Heads one and it doesn't save routes so we know where we're going but we don't know where we've been.

i got a fine young cannibals one

it was a good thing until it stopped working, then one day it came back, was so happy i didnt act so it stopped again, used to drive me crazy.

Medellin · « **Reply #3531 on:** October 11, 2019, 03:28:23 pm »

Everton football club have turned down a £60m a season shirt sponsorship deal with a leading dog food manufacturer..
A club spokesman said having Winalot across their shirts would be just taking the piss!

paulrazor · « **Reply #3532 on:** October 11, 2019, 03:49:23 pm »

Liverpool rejected a bid from Man United in the summer for Simon Mignolet.

United's offer of 7.5m plus De Gea, Jones, Pogba, Rashford, Shaw, Lindelof, Martial, Lingard, Matic, Bailly and Mata was short of Liverpool's 8m valuation

Crosby Nick · « **Reply #3533 on:** October 11, 2019, 03:59:38 pm »

Quote from: McrRed on October 11, 2019, 12:18:23 pm

Can anyone tell me the actor that starred in Forrest Gump?

T.Hanks

Which character are you after? Quite a stellar ensemble cast as I recall.

Son of Spion · « **Reply #3534 on:** October 11, 2019, 04:06:05 pm »

Quote from: BIG DICK NICK on October 11, 2019, 03:59:38 pm

Which character are you after? Quite a stellar ensemble cast as I recall.

Red_Mist · « **Reply #3535 on:** October 12, 2019, 01:06:55 am »

Quote from: Medellin on October 11, 2019, 03:28:23 pm

Everton football club have turned down a £60m a season shirt sponsorship deal with a leading dog food manufacturer..
A club spokesman said having Winalot across their shirts would be just taking the piss!

now that joke matches the thread title

Medellin · « **Reply #3536 on:** October 12, 2019, 04:04:26 pm »

Not sure if any new to rawk have seen this..

Cohiba · « **Reply #3537 on:** October 12, 2019, 04:58:39 pm »

^
Brilliant!

Son of Spion · « **Reply #3538 on:** October 12, 2019, 05:16:26 pm »

Quote from: Medellin on October 12, 2019, 04:04:26 pm

Not sure if any new to rawk have seen this..

You caught me.

soxfan · « **Reply #3539 on:** October 12, 2019, 05:18:42 pm »

Quote from: Medellin on October 12, 2019, 04:04:26 pm

Not sure if any new to rawk have seen this..

Son of Spion · « **Reply #3540 on:** October 12, 2019, 05:27:01 pm »

Quote from: soxfan on October 12, 2019, 05:18:42 pm

You got caught too.

Tesco tearaway · « **Reply #3541 on:** October 12, 2019, 05:38:06 pm »

Quote from: Sons of pioneerS on October 12, 2019, 05:27:01 pm

You got caught too.

Son of Spion · « **Reply #3542 on:** October 12, 2019, 05:41:42 pm »

Quote from: Tesco tearaway on October 12, 2019, 05:38:06 pm

You as well.

24/7 · « **Reply #3543 on:** October 12, 2019, 06:38:19 pm »

Don Quay.

planet-terror · « **Reply #3544 on:** October 12, 2019, 06:57:39 pm »

Quote from: Alf Garnett! on May 4, 2016, 11:45:35 am

Burglars have broken into Everton fc's new trophy room & stolen the entire contents.

Police are looking for a man with a blue carpet.

I'll bump this up in a few years.
Golden oldies [emoji4]

Dirkydirkdirk · « **Reply #3545 on:** October 14, 2019, 06:03:40 pm »

What's the biggest drawback in the jungle?

An elephant's foreskin.

sinnermichael · « **Reply #3546 on:** October 15, 2019, 01:24:39 pm »

My flatmate has just earned a PhD in palindromes.

She'll now be known as Dr Awkward.

dudleyred · « **Reply #3547 on:** October 15, 2019, 01:27:29 pm »

Quote from: sinnermichael on October 15, 2019, 01:24:39 pm

My flatmate has just earned a PhD in palindromes.

She'll now be known as Dr Awkward.

Got there after a while and I like it

24/7 · « **Reply #3548 on:** October 15, 2019, 01:38:15 pm »

Quote from: sinnermichael on October 15, 2019, 01:24:39 pm

My flatmate has just earned a PhD in palindromes.

She'll now be known as Dr Awkward.

Did she graduate from the University of Notlob?

[/mode obscure monty python references]

24/7 · « **Reply #3549 on:** October 15, 2019, 07:49:22 pm »

Just drank 50 bottles of Tippex.

Big, big mistake........

soxfan · « **Reply #3550 on:** October 15, 2019, 07:52:02 pm »

Quote from: Dirkydirkdirk on October 14, 2019, 06:03:40 pm

What's the biggest drawback in the jungle?

An elephant's foreskin.

Only true because I've never visited the jungle.

24/7 · « **Reply #3551 on:** October 15, 2019, 07:59:40 pm »

Just been arrested for stealing 50 bottles of Tippex.

Apparently I'm going to be sent to a correctional facility.....

fingermouse · « **Reply #3552 on:** October 17, 2019, 09:48:21 pm »

Quote from: sinnermichael on October 15, 2019, 01:24:39 pm

..Dr Awkward.

Isn't that the guy who makes the frozen pizzas?

Sent from my J8210 using Tapatalk

Medellin · « **Reply #3553 on:** October 18, 2019, 10:52:22 am »

What lies at the bottom of the sea and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

24/7 · « **Reply #3554 on:** October 18, 2019, 11:05:07 am »

And we're back on track.........

Tesco tearaway · « **Reply #3555 on:** October 18, 2019, 11:37:08 am »

A woman walks into a bank with a fifty pound note stuck in each ear, and asks to see the manager.
The cashier goes to the managers office and says...
"There's a woman to see you; she's £100 in arrears."

24/7 · « **Reply #3556 on:** October 18, 2019, 11:51:56 am »

I'm trying to sue Tippex for brain damage from the fumes. All my investigations though seem to lead to dead-ends.

I suspect a massive cover up.

soxfan · « **Reply #3557 on:** October 18, 2019, 11:53:16 am »

Quote from: Medellin on October 17, 2019, 09:08:51 pm

Fella walks into a cafe & looks at the menu..

soxfan · « **Reply #3558 on:** October 18, 2019, 12:01:21 pm »

A 95 year old man is crying on a park bench. “Sir,” says a concerned jogger, “what’s the matter?”

“What’s the matter?” he says. “I went on a dating website after my wife died. This young woman sent me an email. She liked older men. She’s Russian. We meet. It’s wonderful. She’s beautiful. She takes care of the apartment. She makes me eat gluten-free. I haven’t felt so good in years. My children love her. My grandchildren love her. And at night…at night…the sex...oh my god,it’s just…”

“Well, that sounds wonderful,” the jogger says. “So why are you crying?”

“I can’t remember where I live!”

Tesco tearaway · « **Reply #3559 on:** October 18, 2019, 12:02:29 pm »

Everyone in our street wears woolen jumpers that are a size too small.
We're a very tight-knit community.