Topic: Advice - partners parents

[tinner777]

Get hobbies and be busy so you're not always available for the theatre etc..
Give them one hour a week or so.
Play the game and be sweetness and light or play it your way and start being honest in your replies to them.
Are your parents/siblings around??

[Only Me]

Life’s too short for this kind of shite mate.

I never spoke to my mother in law for the last 5 years of her life-she was a nasty horrible lying twat, but your experience sounds even worse than mine.

Once I made the decision, I never regretted it for a moment and my life improved markedly afterwards.

The horrible woman died Several years ago, and the world is a better place for it. I think of her death as a welcome bit of Chlorine in the gene pool.

If things are as you describe, then your other half is wilfully ignoring (and thereby condoning) this appalling behaviour. I’d tell her how you feel, and tell her you want nothing to do with her parents unless their behaviour changes (it won’t, they sound like fucking sociopaths).

If she loves you enough, she’ll find a way to commit to your relationship. If she can’t let down mummy and daddy then she’s frankly not worth the bother mate.

[rob1966]

Spot on. You've gone well above and beyond the call of duty already. It's a horrible situation to be in.

You don't want to break up with her unless you have to. As you say, she's not 21 any more and she's been quite honest that all her partners have hated her parents. I'd sit her down and set out in detail, as you have here, one how they treat you and two how it makes you feel. Honestly and truthfully. Then give her the choice:
1) She stands up to them;
2) She allows you to disengage from them and have minimal contact going forward for the sake of your health and your relationship; or
3) If she's unwilling to either of the above despite you telling her how you feel and her acknowledgement of their difficulty, leave her.

I'm lucky that my in-laws are lovely. Life's too short to put up with c*nts like that and it shouldn't impact on your health.

I very much doubt she will listen to him, its a repeat pattern and the parents will continue to do it because they have been allowed to for years. My wife just put up with her Ma's behaviour, as it was easier than arguing and would never say a word. The change only came about 2 years ago, when the wife was almost 48 and that was when she just got sick to death of her Ma slagging everyone off. That finally lifted the blinkers and she saw the old bag for what she really is. We've not spoken to her for over 2 years now and as Only Me says above, it's been bliss and removed so much shit from our lives.

The previous summer her Ma got so pissed at ours that she couldn't stand, shit herself, one of the turds landed on my foot as I dragged her out of the car after driving her home, and she then puked and pissed all over her hall floor, while I sat up all night making sure she didn't die - yet even that wasn't enough for her to break contact.

[jambutty]

First two things I get is a) she's stuck to her Mum, and 2) They hate the sound of your voice. 

2) is easy.  Take the piss and put a permanent posh accent on for them and tell 'em it's on because you know they hate being reminded you're a Scouser. They'll fucking hate it.  Use humor and sarcasm on the mongrels.

a) is tougher.

Her current bond with Mum is too strong for a partner to break unless she redefines their situation.

It's in her best interest, otherwise they're just grooming her to be their caretaker as they scare off every hope of independent happiness she attempts.

If she makes a stand and chooses you, they'll adjust when they recognise they may lose her.

[Billy The Kid]

Life’s too short for this kind of shite mate.

Fully agree with this. I also think it's worth remembering that you're under no obligation whatsoever to conform to their ideals or to behave in a way that meets their expectations. If they cannot or will not accept you for who you are then it is they who ought to rev up and fuck off. I think the fact that her ex encountered the same frustrations evidences that the problem lies with them. I wouldn't hesitate in pointing that out to your missus if I was you. In fact, I'd kind of make a point of it

[Filler.]

Have just read this. Jesus! I mean... Jesus wept!? They're like characters out of the Simpsons or a Stephen King novel. And forgive me for saying this... the daughter too. I feel for her, because she's been completely brainwashed and manipulated by these monsters her whole life.

I admire your patience tho that is clearly beginning to break now. And don't think for one moment they're going to change and things will get better. They won't... and they have a huge distance to travel to become even slightly bearable.

I think during the interval in the theatre I would have told them all I was going to fuck off home, and if I didn't get any backing AT home with that response, I'd fuck off out of there too.

I've always had a good, but not perfect relationship with my in-laws, but it pales into insignificance with this.

Really feel for you and your situation. You obviously care about their daughter a hell of alot, but you both need to get the hell away from them if it's going to continue.

[CHOPPER]

Semen is such a persistent stain.

[24/7]

Semen is such a persistent stain.

Indeed it is, Benjamin.

[butchersdog]

Agreed to the clear the air talk with them tomorrow night. Dreading it to be honest, don't think anything good will come of it. Sunday night, her sister was there. I made the effort to engage in conversation with her, asked about how she is/what she's been up to etc. Got the same arrogant, clipped responses that I always get from her, almost like I should know this stuff already and nothing in response. Oh, except a short inquiry about how I'm getting on with work, and when I responded, more clipped, patronizing comments, and talking over me. This got a bit old and when she made me repeat what I got my degree in, I did so in a very direct tone.

End of the night, she says to my partner "we need to talk.. just me and you, yeah?" while looking in my direction. Another humiliation, another very thinly veiled dig. She's been on at my partner for the last two days over text message, won't take no for an answer, won't come here if I'm here, because "I might not like what she has to say". What the fuck is wrong with these people? She was so arrogant and rude on Sunday, if anyone is owed an apology, it's me. It's so far past inappropriate for her sister to go wading into a situation she knows nothing about, stirring things up and trying to come between us, and creating issues when there aren't any. My partner has agreed to not meet her as I've made it clear I'm not putting up with this stuff any more. We're going to discuss it with the parents tomorrow.

In answer to someone earlier, yeh my folks are around, but back in Liverpool. I see them maybe every 2-3 months. Her sister actually made a point of laboring the point of "so you're going to Liverpool... again..?" to my partner over dinner last time we saw them. When she said yes we are, the response was a puzzled look and "so.. why exactly..?" (explains it's my sisters birthday so we're going to see her) "so, this couldn't wait until a more convenient time..?" - I then interjected and told her I make my own decisions. I was then blamed for being rude to her sister. What the fuck has it got to do with her? It's none of her business. Beyond comprehension

[AndyInVA]

They strike me as bullies and if there is one thing they don’t like it is people standing up to them.

This is my favorite so far and is sot true. Bullies hate it when someone calls out their shitty behavior. I'm sure they don't speak to the butcher/baker/candle stick maker the same way they talk to you. They are choosing to be asses to you.

Don't take it seriously but point out each time they are rude.

[Chakan]

What did your partner have to say about her sisters behavior?

[Red Viper]

So there's a sister as well who's also a massive twat? Christ, I really hope the clear the air talk tonight goes well for you mate but this is sounding increasingly like you're going to have to make a decision as to whether or not this shit is worth putting up with for the rest of your life.

[butchersdog]

What did your partner have to say about her sisters behavior?

Re: the comments made about visiting my family, at first she said that her sister wasn't being rude, but my response was, that i should be the bigger person. Then that she was a bit rude, but that's just her way. She seems more understanding of the reality now but it is a constant uphill struggle. I don't understand why her sister thinks it's ok to try and come between us, be rude to me, make thinly veiled comments about having to talk (essentially about my 'behaviour') to my partner in front of everyone? None of them seem to have any self awareness about their own behaviour or how they make people feel. My partner sent her messages yesterday in response to a loafd from her throughout the day demanding a meeting saying that our relationship is none of her business and that she's not interested in what she's got to say about it, but she doesn't take no for an answer. My partner was all for giving in and going to meet her last night until I told her that if she did I'd leave for good. Apart from the fact that she'd relay all our pertinent points to her parents and thus give them a day to come up with manipulative answers, I genuinely feel this is absolutely none of her business. I havent done anything.

[redbyrdz]

Hope it goes well for you mate, but to be honest I can't see it. They won't know they are doing anything wrong, and probably think you want to apologise for something. I wouldn't try to please them anymore, just be yourself and stand your ground. Afterwards, tell your partner you're not going to meet them anymore. And see if you can move back to Liverpool, or at least move away from them.


And you so missed a good one when her sister asked if your sister's birthday couldn't have been at a more convenient time! Yeah we'll just move it why don't we. Shoulda took the piss out of her, but I bet she wouldn't have got it.


I work with people like that, I find posh people often rude, its the attitude, they just don't take other people's life into consideration.

[campioni]

Sounds like your partners family believe you are inferior to them and aren't afraid of letting you know it. You can't have a long term relationship with people like that involved, it will eventually come between you. Hopefully your clear the air talks with her parents will sort things out but it seems highly unlikely, the fact that she went through a previous marriage with similar issues of the husband not speaking to her family doesn't bode well for you.

Your partner is probably gonna have to decide between you and her family and that's not a nice situation to be in. Good luck to you both.

[Lee1-6Liv]

Have just read this. Jesus! I mean... Jesus wept!? They're like characters out of the Simpsons or a Stephen King novel.

I was think more like Inside No. 9

[24/7]

Again mate this all says more about them than you. Your partner is unlikely to have a stable relationship with anyone until she sets and sticks to her boundaries. Good luck with the meeting. I doubt it'll solve the problem but it gives you a chance to stand up for yourself and tell them to go fuck their sorry selves....

[24/7]

And you so missed a good one when her sister asked if your sister's birthday couldn't have been at a more convenient time! Yeah we'll just move it why don't we. Shoulda took the piss out of her, but I bet she wouldn't have got it.


I work with people like that, I find posh people often rude, its the attitude, they just don't take other people's life into consideration.

Haha yeah reminds of my ex in-laws. My ex-wife and I set the date for our wedding - 07/07/07 - cos, well, you can see it looks great......plus it was holiday season in July. Their response? "That's when we take OUR holidays! You'll have to move it." "Well then.......we'll just tell everyone else you can't make it........" and we stuck to our guns. We prevailed. Okay, the marriage didn't last, but it's an example of how couples cannot allow their parents to dictate events.

[Chakan]

Re: the comments made about visiting my family, at first she said that her sister wasn't being rude, but my response was, that i should be the bigger person. Then that she was a bit rude, but that's just her way. She seems more understanding of the reality now but it is a constant uphill struggle. I don't understand why her sister thinks it's ok to try and come between us, be rude to me, make thinly veiled comments about having to talk (essentially about my 'behaviour') to my partner in front of everyone? None of them seem to have any self awareness about their own behaviour or how they make people feel. My partner sent her messages yesterday in response to a loafd from her throughout the day demanding a meeting saying that our relationship is none of her business and that she's not interested in what she's got to say about it, but she doesn't take no for an answer. My partner was all for giving in and going to meet her last night until I told her that if she did I'd leave for good. Apart from the fact that she'd relay all our pertinent points to her parents and thus give them a day to come up with manipulative answers, I genuinely feel this is absolutely none of her business. I havent done anything.

Honestly mate it sounds like her first instinct is to protect her family and brush it off as "it's their way" and only when you stand your ground or give her an ultimatum does the situation change.

[reddebs]

After reading the bit about the sister I'd fuck off the clear the air talks and the relationship, they're like 3 brass fucking monkeys mate.

Nothing you do, say or feel will have an impact on any one of them. 

Seriously mate, you're better as far away from them as is physically possible as whatever the outcome of that meeting is, it'll be all your fault and your life will be hell forever more because of it.

Take a deep breath, pack your stuff and leave your keys on the kitchen side as you go.



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[24/7]

After re-reading the bit about the sister and your partner's response to you finally snapping just a little and standing your ground, I believe debs is pretty much right. I'd fuck the talks off until they show some signs of being prepared to listen to you. Anything else is just them sitting there like hyenas waiting to chase the cheetah away from its kill.

It's a seriously fucking toxic situation you're in.

If you get the chance, get your partner to read the book 'POWER - surviving and thriving after narcissistic abuse' by Shahida Arabi - it deals largely with the effects of toxic parenting. If your relationship survives this, it's a great gift for you both. If your relationship doesn't survive this, it's a great gift for her for when she next tries to get a partner in her life.....

(Also, these clear-the-air talks - if you lose your rag (and who could blame you if you do) then it's Game Over mate - cos they're like the kind of c*nts who will keep a tiger in a cage and poke it continuously only to blame the tiger when it breaks free and rips them to shreds......)

[Qston]

After re-reading the bit about the sister and your partner's response to you finally snapping just a little and standing your ground, I believe debs is pretty much right. I'd fuck the talks off until they show some signs of being prepared to listen to you. Anything else is just them sitting there like hyenas waiting to chase the cheetah away from its kill.

It's a seriously fucking toxic situation you're in.

If you get the chance, get your partner to read the book 'POWER - surviving and thriving after narcissistic abuse' by Shahida Arabi - it deals largely with the effects of toxic parenting. If your relationship survives this, it's a great gift for you both. If your relationship doesn't survive this, it's a great gift for her for when she next tries to get a partner in her life.....

(Also, these clear-the-air talks - if you lose your rag (and who could blame you if you do) then it's Game Over mate - cos they're like the kind of c*nts who will keep a tiger in a cage and poke it continuously only to blame the tier when it breaks free and rips them to shreds......)

Toxic parenting is hitting the nail on the head. They are clearly scared of their own parents. I presume that they were from an overly strict and over bearing upbringing and they consider this sort of behaviour as normal.  It really isn`t. My parents were very strict, and my Dad has hid behind the "it's just his way" mask for many years. Thing is he was and is a soft bastard at heart. The example of using "Mr" all the time with people he doesnt know rings so true. My dad still gets irritated by call centre staff, people in shops and such like who call him by his first name, but in fairness he has never made it an issue with people such as new partners, friends and so on. My sister finally snapped about 10 years ago and told him how the way he is causes everyone distress.  He was immensely upset as a result.....but it had the desired effect. It made him realise that being like he was was only distancing himself from the people he loved.

My advice to the issues raised would be to lay it on the line with the partner and put the ball firmly in their court as to how you feel in a cool, calm and collective way so there is no accusation of aggression or temper. If they still won`t start changing then simply don`t see them.

[Nobby Reserve]

I know i'm probably saying nothing you don't already know, but make sure you prepare for the meeting - know what you want to achieve from it, what you want to say, what 'threats' you'd realistically be able to fulfil if it came to it.

Also, be prepared that they might roar back. They're going to feel defensive and likely indignant - you've come into their lives and are being disruptive (from their perspective). That could manifest itself into aggression back at you.

Keep your cool

[L8Craig]

Where do you live exactly?
Trying to picture a place in Britain where people like this exist.

[CraigDS]

Take 8 cans of Stella with you and just keep cracking one open and chugging it down every time they try to have a pop. That'll warm you to them 

[Crosby Nick]

Where do you live exactly?
Trying to picture a place in Britain where people like this exist.

Sounds very plausible in the Home Counties I reckon.

[Crosby Nick]

Take 8 cans of Stella with you and just keep cracking one open and chugging it down every time they try to have a pop. That'll warm you to them 

That reminds me of the first time my parents met my wife’s family. They’d met her before but not them. Her brother turned up with the proverbial 8 cans of Stella. A bit later on I went to the kitchen to get a beer and he’d polished them off. Must have done the trick because my parents were saying how funny he was the next day.

[Rush 82]

So there's a sister as well who's also a massive twat? Christ, I really hope the clear the air talk tonight goes well for you mate but this is sounding increasingly like you're going to have to make a decision as to whether or not this shit is worth putting up with for the rest of your life.

It isn't worth putting up with.

The only middle ground is for your partner to visit without you.

Worked for my brother in law whose in laws were massive Twats

[CraigDS]

That reminds me of the first time my parents met my wife’s family. They’d met her before but not them. Her brother turned up with the proverbial 8 cans of Stella. A bit later on I went to the kitchen to get a beer and he’d polished them off. Must have done the trick because my parents were saying how funny he was the next day.

I always tend to find if the parents are up for having a drink and letting their hair down they almost always turn out to be OK. At least in my experience that's been the case anyway.

Although first time I met my gf's parents was after a 2 day bender in Manchester for a mate's stag do. Rocked up at theirs late on the Sunday feeling more than a little worse for wear.

They like me now though 

[24/7]

It isn't worth putting up with.

The only middle ground is for your partner to visit without you.

Worked for my brother in law whose in laws were massive Twats

Hang on - your brother in law has in laws who are massive twats - ergo you must be a........?  

[Rush 82]

Hang on - your brother in law has in laws who are massive twats - ergo you must be a........?  

Bastard!

His wife's family....

[Chakan]

Bastard!

His wife's family....

Sure if he's your brother in law , his wife is your sister?

[Mumm-Ra]

Take 8 cans of Stella with you and just keep cracking one open and chugging it down every time they try to have a pop. That'll warm you to them 

Also he should wear a shelly

[CraigDS]

Sure if he's your brother in law , his wife is your sister?

Next he’ll be telling us he’s from Manchester and he is his brother in law.

[24/7]

Also he should wear a shelly

and get a perm and a muzzy, laaaaaa

[rob1966]

I always tend to find if the parents are up for having a drink and letting their hair down they almost always turn out to be OK. At least in my experience that's been the case anyway.

Although first time I met my gf's parents was after a 2 day bender in Manchester for a mate's stag do. Rocked up at theirs late on the Sunday feeling more than a little worse for wear.

They like me now though 

Her ma is the exception to that 

[Billy The Kid]

As a much wiser Rawkite than myself once said:

Have you considered shagging her ma while wearing her sisters skin?

 

[rob1966]

As a much wiser Rawkite than myself once said:

Have you considered shagging her ma while wearing her sisters skin?

I was coming in here to mention sisters skin

[24/7]

fuck my life that's brilliant.......remind me of the original?

[WhereAngelsPlay]

You're a Scouser so introduce them to some Scouse "humour",fight fire with fire.