Topic: Stupid Things Your Wife / Husband / Partner Say

[macca888]

My wife is a clever girl, but unfortunately (or fortunately for me  ) she comes out with some absofuckinglute beauties. There are a few I could put up here, but I'll start with this most recent one.

We were at the Leeds Festival at the weekend, walking over to the arena to watch a band called Noah and The Whale, some group I've never heard of but thought I'd give them a try anyway. This is the conversation on the way -


Mrs Macca: "What a strange name they've got. I wonder how they got it?"

Me: "Just a guess like, but it might be some sort of Biblical reference."

Mrs Macca: "What do you mean?"
 
Me: "Well you know, Noah, old man, bushy beard, built an ark, animals went in two by two?"

Mrs Macca: "What about the whale bit then?"

Me:"Didn't someone get swallowed by a whale in the Bible? What was his name now? Wasn't it Jo..."

As I was about to finish "Jonah", I was interrupted by this little pearl.

Mrs Macca: "Pinocchio?"

Me: "Oh I must have missed that. Was that the fucking Gospel according to Geppetto?"

Mrs Macca: "Oh fuck off. I thought you said Disney film!"

Me: "Fucking right you did love, fucking right."


I nearly ruptured my fucking kidneys laughing, and can't for the life of me remember what the band sounded like.

[Ciara (with a capital "C")]

Him: "I'd be a brilliant lesbian".

 

[Roady]

my ex was sorting something to do with her bank out on the phone one day.

She was asked for first initial after giving in her surname and said "D"

and the woman replied "D for?"

and she replied "dog" 

[phonic]

An ex girlfriend wanted an application form for a job advertised in the paper, after some pursuasion she agreed to phone them. They said they'd send one out in the post, they took her address and then asked for her name and title. Her reply was "My name's Sarah and I'm currently a student but I work part time in a pub". I had to walk out before I cried laughing.

[Welshred]

Him: "I'd be a brilliant lesbian".

 

that's fantastic!!

[Sir Capon of Debaser]

Was at manchester airport and my bird had about 30 pairs of shoes for a 1 week holiday.as we were putting our cases through the scanner thing, the guy says 'are you meeting up with Imelda Marcos or something ' I started laughing as did my bird.

We then walked through ,and my bird says whos she then ? I'm like 'what the fuck you laughing for you daft bastard if you dont know'

I then  realised ,at that moment , she wasnt the girl for me.And she was infact ,a fucking balloon head

I fucked her off soon after,the fucking idiot

[macca888]

"If bees make honey, does that mean wasps make jam?"

 

Then logically, it's the butterflies we've got to thank for the marmalade?   

[SP]

Then logically, it's the butterflies we've got to thank for the marmalade?   

Taking that to its absurd conclusion, cockroaches must be responsible for marmite.

[macca888]

Was at manchester airport and my bird had about 30 pairs of shoes for a 1 week holiday.as we were putting our cases through the scanner thing, the guy says 'are you meeting up with Imelda Marcos or something ' I started laughing as did my bird.

We then walked through ,and my bird says whos she then ? I'm like 'what the fuck you laughing for you daft bastard if you dont know'

I then  realised ,at that moment , she wasnt the girl for me.And she was infact ,a fucking balloon head

I fucked her off soon after,the fucking idiot

   So who is she then P?   

Went on holiday with some bird years ago to Bulgaria in a place called Sunny Beach. I was at uni and it was cheap as fuck. Anyway, we get there and it's a gloomy old fucking day. Deadly serious, she says "We must be in the wrong resort cos it's not very sunny here." After first ascertaining that she wasn't taking the piss, I decided that she was in fact a fucking retard. I fucker her off soon after, the fucking idiot.

[macca888]

Taking that to its absurd conclusion, cockroaches must be responsible for marmite.

 

We laugh, and yet what about the red Smarties?

[jason42]

"You're not putting that fucking thing in my mouth again!"

[Sir Capon of Debaser]

I fucker her off soon after, the fucking idiot.

Are You Italian mate

[macca888]

Are You Italian mate

oh fuck off shaddapp you face!   

[Sir Capon of Debaser]

Four gid abood eat

[Mouth]

"You're not putting that fucking thing in my mouth again!"

What did you say back to him?

[CHOPPER]

[Sir Capon of Debaser]

What did you say back to him?

BEAR and then spued

[Kyle Soprano]

What did you say back to him?

Hahaha

[DowntheLine1981]

"Can't be bothered waxing any more, its too much hassle, and we've been going out for a few years now anyway.  Its not as if we've just got together."


I fucked her off soon after that, the fucking idiot.

[Shaun101]

In a Van Hage garden centre and the missus asked for a "Clitoris" plant rather than a clematis. Then few years later told me how her mum had a "dildo rail "put up in the living room...and she has a degree FFS.

[SMD]

Him: "I'd be a brilliant lesbian".

 

Did you go "that's why I'm with you"?

[♠Dirty Harry♠]

What did you say back to him?

It's a nice-a-place

[flynnyyy]

Then few years later told me how her mum had a "dildo rail "put up in the living room...and she has a degree FFS.

[Rusty Oysterburger]

Years ago, me and my ex were sitting with a couple of our mates who'd just returned from a weekend in Cambridge;

Mate: "Guess who we saw?!"

Me: "Who?"

Mate: "Only Stephen Hawking!"

Ex: "Aw wow! Did you get his autograph?"

Me & Mate: *facepalm*

[Sir Capon of Debaser]

Years ago, me and my ex were sitting with a couple of our mates who'd just returned from a weekend in Cambridge;

Mate: "Guess who we saw?!"

Me: "Who?"

Mate: "Only Stephen Hawking!"

Ex: "Aw wow! Did you get his autograph?"

Me & Mate: *facepalm*

[Brian Blessed]

I asked Professor Hawking for his autograph when I met him, as a joke. I could tell by the look on his face he thought it was funny.

[♠Dirty Harry♠]

I asked Professor Hawking for his autograph when I met him, as a joke. I could tell by the look on his face he thought it was funny.

Did he get wheely mad?

[JimmyGrunt]

Allegedly her un-cooked Bacon was 'still moo-ing'.


EDIT:

Oh, and Amsterdam is in Belgium.

[Ciara (with a capital "C")]

Did you go "that's why I'm with you"?

lol I didn't. I'm not that quick!

[SMD]

lol I didn't. I'm not that quick!

Tsk. You've been on RAWK long enough to learn.

[exiledintheUSA]

My wife is from California so by nature she is slightly blond but this pearler had my pissing myself.

We had just boarded a trans-atlantic flight from LA to London.....

Me - "Only 11 hours to go!"

Mrs Exiled - "I know! So, what time do we land?"

Me - "We will be in London just after 1pm"

Mrs Exiled - "I thought you said 11 hours?.......that would only make it 6am!"

Me - "The time difference love......"

Mrs Exiled - "There's a time difference?"

Fucking pissing myself.

Sadly this was about the 9th time we had taken that flight.

[dobbouk]

"isnt that one of them places where monks live? you know ? a monkery"

[peelyon]

A few years back when we had drawn Toulouse in the Champs League qualifiers I was sat with the mrs on my laptop

Me: The draws just happened..we're play Toulouse

Mrs: We're play to lose?  Why do we want to lose?

And another classic, on a boring evening ended up flicking round the telly and watched an old school Family Fortunes.  Les Dennis said "In our survey of 100 people we asked them...A number you would remember"

Me: Phone number
Mrs: (blurts out) EIGHT!

[SMD]

And another classic, on a boring evening ended up flicking round the telly and watched an old school Family Fortunes.  Les Dennis said "In our survey of 100 people we asked them...A number you would remember"

Me: Phone number
Mrs: (blurts out) EIGHT!

[Jonno]

"Can't be bothered waxing any more, its too much hassle, and we've been going out for a few years now anyway.  Its not as if we've just got together."

 

I fucked her off soon after that, the fucking idiot.

 

[peelyon]

A few years back when we had drawn Toulouse in the Champs League qualifiers I was sat with the mrs on my laptop

Me: The draws just happened..we're play Toulouse

Mrs: We're play to lose?  Why do we want to lose?

And another classic, on a boring evening ended up flicking round the telly and watched an old school Family Fortunes.  Les Dennis said "In our survey of 100 people we asked them...A number you would remember"

Me: Phone number
Mrs: (blurts out) EIGHT!

Just showed my Mrs this thread...bless she even admit now that shes stupid

[Franck Le Poof]

You know how the 'Villa' in David Villa is pronounced? An ex of mine used to reckon Aston Villa was pronounced that way.

[-Sad Fuck-]

You went out with Rafa?

[redpride9]

My wife- I don't want nothing for my birthday.

[se9R.F.L]

My girlfriend is italian and a couple of years ago, just messing about, me and my mate told her golden virginia tobacco was actually pronounced golden vagina. We had a good giggle and forgot all about it.
couple of weeks later she's down the shop and i asked her to pick me up some baccy. 10 minutes later she's burst in all flustered going, in her cute accent, "Baby the man in the shop said it's not golden vagina!".

I bet he was pissing himself as he told her to be careful how she pronounced it. Needless to say i was pissing myself too.

She did say she thought it sounded a bit odd but didn't think i'd have any reason to lie bless her.