Topic: Life of a soap character

[Buck Pete]

Some crackers in here.

A female character goes to visit a sick mother in Birmingham and returns 3 weeks later with a suntan which looks like she’s been lying on a Dubai beach for a fortnight.

A random guy turns up at the local garage and demonstrates he can open the bonnet of a car. Hey Presto..he’s instantly given a mechanics job (usually on a trial basis that always turns permanent)

Someone asks for a bottle of lager and never gets asked by the barperson “which lager?”

A character leaving the street through the tube/tram exit won’t be seen ever again

If your a lowly uniformed PC in a Yorkshire village you will still head up the hunt for a serial killer.

A tense high stakes Poker game will always result in the hero character having 4 of a kind but still getting beat by a straight flush

[Sir Capon of Debaser]

No one ever farts

[Crosby Nick]

If a female character has a one night stand or cheats once on her partner she will get pregnant.

If it’s a teenager having sex for the first time it’ll probably be twins.

[Sir Capon of Debaser]

If a female character has a one night stand or cheats once on her partner she will get pregnant.

If it’s a teenager having sex for the first time it’ll probably be twins.

Eeeee twins having sex with the same bird.

I wouldnt even go near a mates ex

[Nitramdorf]

Some crackers in here.

A female character goes to visit a sick mother in Birmingham and returns 3 weeks later with a suntan which looks like she’s been lying on a Dubai beach for a fortnight.

A random guy turns up at the local garage and demonstrates he can open the bonnet of a car. Hey Presto..he’s instantly given a mechanics job (usually on a trial basis that always turns permanent)

Someone asks for a bottle of lager and never gets asked by the barperson “which lager?”

A character leaving the street through the tube/tram exit won’t be seen ever again

If your a lowly uniformed PC in a Yorkshire village you will still head up the hunt for a serial killer.

A tense high stakes Poker game will always result in the hero character having 4 of a kind but still getting beat by a straight flush

  That used to annoy me in Brush Strokes,

Jacko - "Bottle of lager please Elmo"

[PhaseOfPlay]

That used to annoy me in Brush Strokes,

Jacko - "Bottle of lager please Elmo"

That's because it was in the song, though -

"Oh if you love Taylor's
You love Taylor's
You love Taylor's
You love Taylor's
You love..... Taylor's, don't you"

[sinnermichael]

I see Phil Mitchell was left in a pool of his own blood for the 400th time tonight. He'll survive obviously.

[So… Howard Philips]

If they go to a fancy dress party they wear stage quality period clothing not cheap tat bought off the Internet.

[archie]

I see Phil Mitchell was left in a pool of his own blood for the 400th time tonight. He'll survive obviously.

Haha saw his name trending and that he was ‘dead’

RIP YNWA

[Max_powers]

No one ever farts

Or poops for that matter. These people are living antithesis to laws of universe. Where is all that food going?

[Crosby Nick]

Or poops for that matter. These people are living antithesis to laws of universe. Where is all that food going?

That’s like Jack Bauer. 24 hours in a day and he doesn’t shit, piss, wank or even eat, unless he crams it all into the ad breaks.

[Max_powers]

That’s like Jack Bauer. 24 hours in a day and he doesn’t shit, piss, wank or even eat, unless he crams it all into the ad breaks.

I think that is what happens. When you are watching ads for Pepe's Chicken, Jack Bauer is watching porn while sitting on a toilet with a bucket of Pepe's chicken in his other hand.

[Hazell]

That’s like Jack Bauer. 24 hours in a day and he doesn’t shit, piss, wank or even eat, unless he crams it all into the ad breaks.

I'll be honest, I can't get through a day without doing any of things except the wanking. I could probably hold that for a day if the fate of the world depended on it.

[Crosby Nick]

I'll be honest, I can't get through a day without doing any of things except the wanking. I could probably hold that for a day if the fate of the world depended on it.

Weak.

[Sir Capon of Debaser]

Weak.

Fucking show off

Youre like a monk

[Crosby Nick]

Fucking show off

Youre like a monk

Call me Cadfael.

[soxfan]

You have an evil twin that was never mentioned on the show before, but suddenly shows up to sleep with your partner and ruin your life.

You are in a horrible automobile crash and end up in a coma. When you awaken, you don't recognize the sweet love of your life who has been faithfully sitting by your hospital bed for the last year. When you're finally able to go home, the first thing you do is sleep with her evil twin. 

[Hazell]

Call me Cadfael.

Is that the opening line from Moby Dick?

[bradders1011]

You go into Holby City Hospital with a broken toe and end up dead of something exotic within 24 hours.

[Fitzy.]

Any teenager who has an alcoholic drink will be appallingly drunk and sick and learn their lesson.

Any female teenager at a house party will be the recipient of the overtures of an overly-sexed older teenage boy and find themselves in a compromising and emotionally-wrought situation. The girl’s parents will gatecrash the party and save the girl or the girl will become part of a sex ring that she can’t escape...for at least six episodes. Following the trauma of it all, she’ll be back at school within the month and apparently perfectly adjusted as if it never happened. During the trauma, each episode will end with a voiceover saying: “If you’ve been affected by any of the poor acting in tonight’s episode, please call the Samaritans or throw your television out the front door”.

[Max_powers]

Any teenager who has an alcoholic drink will be appallingly drunk and sick and learn their lesson.

Any female teenager at a house party will be the recipient of the overtures of an overly-sexed older teenage boy and find themselves in a compromising and emotionally-wrought situation. The girl’s parents will gatecrash the party and save the girl or the girl will become part of a sex ring that she can’t escape...for at least six episodes. Following the trauma of it all, she’ll be back at school within the month and apparently perfectly adjusted as if it never happened. During the trauma, each episode will end with a voiceover saying: “If you’ve been affected by any of the poor acting in tonight’s episode, please call the Samaritans or throw your television out the front door”.

She would definitely be pregnant. The boys in soap operas are very fertile like the Nile.

[Fitzy.]

Doctors, lawyers, cab drivers and odd-job men all live next door to each other.

Lawyers don't have a specialism - they will handle probate, criminal, tax, family and civil action suits.

[Alisson Wonderland]

Doctors, lawyers, cab drivers and odd-job men all live next door to each other.

Lawyers don't have a specialism - they will handle probate, criminal, tax, family and civil action suits.

And they will do a full re-build whenever a house/factory/pub has burnt down despite employing no more than one other person.

[Crosby Nick]

Doctors, lawyers, cab drivers and odd-job men all live next door to each other.

Lawyers don't have a specialism - they will handle probate, criminal, tax, family and civil action suits.

Good shout on the lawyers. They’ll normally dabble at being a barrister as well.

[Fitzy.]

And they will do a full re-build whenever a house/factory/pub has burnt down despite employing no more than one other person.

Yes, despite no evidence that they have even the most basic training or qualifications.

Good shout on the lawyers. They’ll normally dabble at being a barrister as well.

Yes. They also represent neighbours or represent someone litigating against a neighbour, yet there’s never any notion of conflict of interest.

[PhaseOfPlay]

Loads of people will go to the local pub, and loads of them will sit at the bar, on their own.

And not one of them will ever do a crossword.

[Buck Pete]

When two characters appear to have resolved a relationship issue they will go into a celebratory embrace. These embraces are not what they seem though.

The camera will inevitably zoom in on one of the characters faces which will reveal an evil smirk or look of sad resignation that is unbeknown to the obliviously happy 'other' character.

[Fitzy.]

Two characters who are sharing a huge secret will discuss it in quiet but public place and be overheard by the worst possible person who will then use the secret as leverage and blackmail.

Extremely personal family or relationship issues will be broadcast in the pub by an angry relative as a plot device to ensure a maximum amount of characters will find out.

When a character has done something dreadful or embarrassing they’ll still go to the pub that very same night and everyone will go quiet...a row will be likely at this point.

[rob1966]

Straight women move to a village in Yorkshire and suddenly find out that they are actually lesbian.

There is a car crash every week

[Buck Pete]

Anyone who enters the pub and orders a pint and a whisky chaser is absolutely guaranteed to be asked "Bit early Isn't it?" then "I'm not serving you, You've had enough, go home and sleep if off" later in the episode.

[Kekule]

No-one mentions major news events that have just happened.

No-one ever talks about the football, or sport in general, beyond "did you see the match last night?"

[Crosby Nick]

No one does an online shop or even goes to a big supermarket.

A trip to the local corner shop can feed a family of 4 for a week.

[Sir Capon of Debaser]

No one does an online shop or even goes to a big supermarket.

A trip to the local corner shop can feed a family of 4 for a week.

Cos they all eat at 'The Caf' or ''Local'

[Crosby Nick]

Cos they all eat at 'The Caf' or ''Local'

Definitely worth getting a cup of tea from there when they’re less than 50 yards from home.

[Sir Capon of Debaser]

Definitely worth getting a cup of tea from there when they’re less than 50 yards from home.

Even to just see Hayley's cock in the Gherkin jar. Worth the admission price alone

[Fitzy.]

No one does an online shop or even goes to a big supermarket.

A trip to the local corner shop can feed a family of 4 for a week.

Corner shops still exist as vibrant businesses. No Tesco Express in sight, just a well-run local shop stocked at the cash and carry.

[Son of Spion]

You will be in a coma in hospital but will always just have woken to hear the unsuspecting characters around your bed discussing some tawdry secret that you then have over them once you make your miraculous recovery.

[Brian Blessed]

You’ll be married. And married. And married. Here’s to you, Gail McIntyre, nee Hillman, nee platt, nee Tilsley, nee Potter.

[Fitzy.]

Generally, if a child character is more than just window dressing they’ll be characterised as evil oddballs.

[hixxstar]

Even to just see Hayley's cock in the Gherkin jar. Worth the admission price alone

Who is the 'Gherkin Jar'... ? ..