Author Topic: Work Smalltalk  (Read 4338 times)

Offline Jwils21

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Work Smalltalk
« on: July 14, 2021, 09:23:32 am »
“How was your weekend?”

“Yeah, not bad. Quiet one. You?”

“Yeah same”

Doesn’t matter if you’ve spent your weekend lying down motionless for two consecutive days or had 27 pints and ended up in a cell overnight - it’s always a quiet one.

What’s your favourite meaningless pre-zoom convo?

Offline leroy

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Re: Work Smalltalk
« Reply #1 on: July 14, 2021, 09:38:09 am »
Video backgrounds.   New, equally tedious. 

Offline El Lobo

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Re: Work Smalltalk
« Reply #2 on: July 14, 2021, 09:47:22 am »
'I wish this weather would make its mind up'
If he's being asked to head the ball too frequently - which isn't exactly his specialty - it could affect his ear and cause an infection. Especially if the ball hits him on the ear directly.

Offline royhendo

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Re: Work Smalltalk
« Reply #3 on: July 14, 2021, 10:22:34 am »
Best ones are when people forget to mute. I told a meeting of 20 hydro engineers to 'Come here and give us a kiss' last year.
"Word of the day is 'philodox' (17th century): one who is in love with their own opinion, and who consequently believes that everyone else should share it."  @susie_dent on twitter - https://twitter.com/susie_dent/status/1419683653844668422

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Re: Work Smalltalk
« Reply #4 on: July 14, 2021, 10:33:26 am »
'Its coming home boys !!!!'
Jurgen, you made us laugh, you made us cry, you made Liverpool a bastion of invincibilty, now leave us on a high - YNWA

Offline Jwils21

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Re: Work Smalltalk
« Reply #5 on: July 14, 2021, 10:40:25 am »
Video backgrounds.   New, equally tedious.

Worst are the ones who put on a generic image of a beach from google that’s taken literally no effort (often has GETTY IMAGES sprawled across it) then they’ll just sit there with a half smile waiting for someone to mention it.

Eventually Sue from finance will spot it and reluctantly go “see you’re on the beach there” and hilarity and chaos will ensure for a couple of seconds before the conversation goes back to quarterly sales.

Offline Jwils21

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Re: Work Smalltalk
« Reply #6 on: July 14, 2021, 10:40:57 am »
'Its coming home boys !!!!'

“All ready to cheer on the lads to do some goals hey?? Italy who hey?? Come on the lad men!”

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Re: Work Smalltalk
« Reply #7 on: July 14, 2021, 10:56:42 am »
Best ones are when people forget to mute. I told a meeting of 20 hydro engineers to 'Come here and give us a kiss' last year.

I hate the people who don't mute themselves because they can't be arsed despite having been told countless times that everyone who's not talking should please mute themselves. It's not that hard to turn on "push to talk" so you're always muted and have to push a button to talk. Fuck ups can happen and I don't mind, if someone forgets to mute himself  from time to time, but the people who never mute for whatever reason just piss me off...

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Re: Work Smalltalk
« Reply #8 on: July 14, 2021, 10:59:25 am »
I remembers to mute when I was bollocking my kids in the background to be quiet.

I just forgot to turn my video off so colleagues got to see my bitter and twisted with rage face. :D

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Re: Work Smalltalk
« Reply #9 on: July 14, 2021, 11:03:20 am »
I remembers to mute when I was bollocking my kids in the background to be quiet.

I just forgot to turn my video off so colleagues got to see my bitter and twisted with rage face. :D

;D

Are you the same fella who was on the Zoom call that went viral, who was bollock naked and stood up giving everyone a full frontal?
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Re: Work Smalltalk
« Reply #10 on: July 14, 2021, 11:06:12 am »
;D

Are you the same fella who was on the Zoom call that went viral, who was bollock naked and stood up giving everyone a full frontal?

Absolutely not.

We use Teams.

Offline royhendo

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Re: Work Smalltalk
« Reply #11 on: July 14, 2021, 11:18:50 am »
The group thing, eh?
"Word of the day is 'philodox' (17th century): one who is in love with their own opinion, and who consequently believes that everyone else should share it."  @susie_dent on twitter - https://twitter.com/susie_dent/status/1419683653844668422

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Re: Work Smalltalk
« Reply #12 on: July 14, 2021, 11:35:47 am »
Absolutely not.

We use Teams.

;D

If you were hung like that fella in Sex/Life, half the office would love you and half would hate you ;D
Jurgen, you made us laugh, you made us cry, you made Liverpool a bastion of invincibilty, now leave us on a high - YNWA

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Re: Work Smalltalk
« Reply #13 on: July 14, 2021, 11:44:15 am »
I remembers to mute when I was bollocking my kids in the background to be quiet.

I just forgot to turn my video off so colleagues got to see my bitter and twisted with rage face. :D


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Re: Work Smalltalk
« Reply #14 on: July 14, 2021, 01:21:48 pm »
"Any plans for the weekend?"

Every. single. Friday.

Worse than office small talk is office jargon. Shit like "let's touch base on that later" or  "put together a plan of action and arrange a call for later this afternoon" or my worst one, "close of play."
« Last Edit: July 14, 2021, 01:24:26 pm by I've been a good boy. »

Offline AndyMuller

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Re: Work Smalltalk
« Reply #15 on: July 14, 2021, 01:24:07 pm »
That Harry is a c*nt and Meghan has manipulated him, hasn't she?

Every single day.

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Re: Work Smalltalk
« Reply #16 on: July 14, 2021, 01:57:29 pm »
That Harry is a c*nt and Meghan has manipulated him, hasn't she?

Every single day.

Where do you work, the Mail Online?

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Re: Work Smalltalk
« Reply #17 on: July 14, 2021, 01:59:58 pm »
Seeing some of these I know I’m as guilty as anyone for using them. Just need an ice breaker or two before demanding stuff off people don’t you?

Hope you’re well = don’t be ill, I need your help ASAP

Good weekend = couldn’t give a shit, but on we go

I was just wondering = I need something ASAP but I hate the phone and can’t be arsed calling you to ask

If you could help that would be great = don’t fob me off motherfucker.

Offline AndyMuller

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Re: Work Smalltalk
« Reply #18 on: July 14, 2021, 02:07:17 pm »
Where do you work, the Mail Online?

Haha no but with a fella that reads the Mail Online every lunch time  ;D

Offline El Lobo

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Re: Work Smalltalk
« Reply #19 on: July 14, 2021, 02:10:33 pm »
I must admit I’ve been working from home since January and I miss the inane gossip and conversations at work. I’d give anything for a conversation about what I did at the weekend.

The worst is working from home but having a teams 'groupchat' where they still ask the same inane shit
If he's being asked to head the ball too frequently - which isn't exactly his specialty - it could affect his ear and cause an infection. Especially if the ball hits him on the ear directly.

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Re: Work Smalltalk
« Reply #20 on: July 14, 2021, 02:18:04 pm »
It's kind of become an unspoken rule at my place now that you can't just phone someone out the blue. You have to ping them a message on Teams first to check they are free.

Generally a good thing but its a bit annoying you can't get hold of someone straight away.

Offline Capon Debaser

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Re: Work Smalltalk
« Reply #21 on: July 14, 2021, 02:32:44 pm »
'Alright mate, how ya doin? You ok?'
'Yeah sound ta mate, You well?'
'Yeah thanks mate, you?'
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Re: Work Smalltalk
« Reply #22 on: July 14, 2021, 02:39:16 pm »
'Alright mate, how ya doin? You ok?'
'Yeah sound ta mate, You well?'
'Yeah thanks mate, you?'

Haha I have nothing to offer beyond that. I don’t know what to say next. I’m even more socially inept than I was before!

Offline Capon Debaser

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Re: Work Smalltalk
« Reply #23 on: July 14, 2021, 02:46:51 pm »
Haha I have nothing to offer beyond that. I don’t know what to say next. I’m even more socially inept than I was before!
Haha its cos ya norrarsed i think. Well thats why im like that

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Re: Work Smalltalk
« Reply #24 on: July 14, 2021, 02:50:30 pm »
It's kind of become an unspoken rule at my place now that you can't just phone someone out the blue. You have to ping them a message on Teams first to check they are free.

Generally a good thing but its a bit annoying you can't get hold of someone straight away.

When I worked  in Malaysia  we were all logged into skype messenger

when one of my team wanted me instead of just messaging "what do I do with this?"

it would be  Kennys Jacket?

Forcing me to reply with  a Yes?

then they as the question

drove me mad

and we were all in the same room


As I've said before, the Full English is just the base upon which the Scots/Welsh/NI have improved upon. Sorry but the Full English is the worst of the British breakfasts.

Offline redgriffin73

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Re: Work Smalltalk
« Reply #25 on: July 14, 2021, 03:05:51 pm »
Seeing some of these I know I’m as guilty as anyone for using them. Just need an ice breaker or two before demanding stuff off people don’t you?

Hope you’re well = don’t be ill, I need your help ASAP

Good weekend = couldn’t give a shit, but on we go

I was just wondering = I need something ASAP but I hate the phone and can’t be arsed calling you to ask

If you could help that would be great = don’t fob me off motherfucker.

Literally just sent an email using the last two of those ;D
Rafa Benitez: "I'll always keep in my heart the good times I've had here, the strong and loyal support of the fans in the tough times and the love from Liverpool. I have no words to thank you enough for all these years and I am very proud to say that I was your manager. Thank you so much once more and always remember: You'll never walk alone."

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Re: Work Smalltalk
« Reply #26 on: July 14, 2021, 03:16:31 pm »
Literally just sent an email using the last two of those ;D

Excellent work! :D

Is it being passive aggressive? Not really sure? But I try and be all ‘oh if you could just do that, that would be great’ so that they either do it because they think I’m nice or they do it just to fucking shut me up. Either way is fine.

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Re: Work Smalltalk
« Reply #27 on: July 14, 2021, 03:22:38 pm »
"Football came home...had a look round and then buggered off again!!!! Hahahahahahahahahah"


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Re: Work Smalltalk
« Reply #28 on: July 15, 2021, 03:03:07 pm »
When I worked  in Malaysia  we were all logged into skype messenger

when one of my team wanted me instead of just messaging "what do I do with this?"

it would be  Kennys Jacket?

Forcing me to reply with  a Yes?

then they as the question

drove me mad

and we were all in the same room

I refuse to answer those. "Hey..." or "Hi!" messages. Just say what you want to say, idiot, I'll read it when I read it

Offline Capon Debaser

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Re: Work Smalltalk
« Reply #29 on: July 15, 2021, 04:14:14 pm »
I hate them lads who sit next to ya when the canteens empty and talk to ya when ya reading or you have headphones in. Doesnt matter if i built a castle from scratch ill just say ''Did fuck all mate'' hoping theyll fuck off. Fuck that though, that gives the crafty bastards  an opening  ''I got stoned mate, yeahhhhh.... did summadat Trinadadaydian Lion Pube Ganja maaan me mate brought back from his holidees stuck up his arse.....off me tits maaan....listened to peter andre all night at minus ten pitch on me mates pieyurrrneer Cdjeeeez...mixed it in with some ambient recordings of me nan opening a can of peas in her caravan in Aberaeron. if ya listen closely ya can hear me grandad havin a wazz in the background as i drop peter andres mate Bubbla Ranx 'Baby girl, shine like a looking glass!' as me mate was playing the bongos on some traffic cones we robbed from outside the kebab house by me mates Bobs'
« Last Edit: July 15, 2021, 04:16:00 pm by Capon Debaser »
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Re: Work Smalltalk
« Reply #30 on: July 15, 2021, 04:15:29 pm »
Fine. I won’t be so friendly next time.

Offline Capon Debaser

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Re: Work Smalltalk
« Reply #31 on: July 15, 2021, 04:18:45 pm »
Fine. I won’t be so friendly next time.
:evil :P
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Re: Work Smalltalk
« Reply #32 on: July 15, 2021, 04:22:07 pm »
The worst ones are them older women who come up to ya with 1000 questions.

When i worked at a supermarket

Them 'You single love? ooh ya just havnt met the right one yet'
Me ''And you have have ya? is that why ya spend £500 a week on cat food for ya 90 cats''
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Re: Work Smalltalk
« Reply #33 on: July 15, 2021, 04:31:35 pm »
Best ones are when people forget to mute. I told a meeting of 20 hydro engineers to 'Come here and give us a kiss' last year.


I forgot to unmute in a group brainstorming session. Thought all the c*nts were ignoring me and my ideas.
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Re: Work Smalltalk
« Reply #34 on: July 15, 2021, 05:05:38 pm »
Always forget to mute when I am munching away on a packet of crisps or something like that, and the bastards never point out you were making a disgusting racket until you have been finished the whole pack or after the meeting has finished.

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Re: Work Smalltalk
« Reply #35 on: July 15, 2021, 05:54:13 pm »
Always forget to mute when I am munching away on a packet of crisps or something like that, and the bastards never point out you were making a disgusting racket until you have been finished the whole pack or after the meeting has finished.

I farted loudly in a Teams call the other day and then realised I hadn't muted myself after last speaking.

Completely goes against the corporate image I've carved and created for myself over the last 20 odd years. Had to reach out to people after the call to connect and apologise. For others I just touched base and by close of play we were all on the same page.

I think Jookie might just be the best fisherman on this thread.

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Re: Work Smalltalk
« Reply #36 on: July 15, 2021, 07:13:31 pm »
Never told this story to anyone until now. SO here goes.

This is gonna sound racist and It honestly wasn't intended that way.  It was a simple case of brain freeze that looking back could have cost me my job or at least definitely got me a severe bollocking or official warning.

All this occurred right at the same time as all the media hoo-ha surrounding the young girl Shamima Begum and her ISIS / British citizenship stuff.

On our usual Monday morning Teams video meeting.  Our manager had a young girl sat totally motionless behind him.   I swear to god she didn't look real.  I was convinced he had installed a Shamima Begum background just for a bit of a laugh.  Yes of course this in reality would have been utterly shite "bantz" I agree, but my head just went, thats what I saw.  The young lady in question wasn't just any old girl wearing a Hijab, she is also the double of Shamima.

I was a knats cock away from blurting out something REALLY stupid like "I see you got Shamima home".  Thankfully, at that moment she moved her head and I realised she was a real person and he had her sat behind him to introduce her to the team.  I didn't even know we were employing anyone new FFS.

If id had said something I reckon it would have been the most embarrassing thing I had EVER done in 50 years.  I may have even resigned in shame to be honest.

Turns out the girl (who's name is very similar to Shamima as it happens) is a great kid and I thank my lucky stars every time I speak to her these days :)

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Re: Work Smalltalk
« Reply #37 on: July 15, 2021, 07:18:33 pm »
I farted loudly in a Teams call the other day and then realised I hadn't muted myself after last speaking.

Completely goes against the corporate image I've carved and created for myself over the last 20 odd years. Had to reach out to people after the call to connect and apologise. For others I just touched base and by close of play we were all on the same page.


I see office speak has got hold of you
As I've said before, the Full English is just the base upon which the Scots/Welsh/NI have improved upon. Sorry but the Full English is the worst of the British breakfasts.

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Re: Work Smalltalk
« Reply #38 on: July 15, 2021, 07:20:16 pm »

I see office speak has got hold of you

I think if you read the rest of his post you'll see he was taking the P*** :)

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Re: Work Smalltalk
« Reply #39 on: July 15, 2021, 07:21:45 pm »
I think if you read the rest of his post you'll see he was taking the P*** :)

Im just pulling his leg Reach out definitely office speak though
As I've said before, the Full English is just the base upon which the Scots/Welsh/NI have improved upon. Sorry but the Full English is the worst of the British breakfasts.