Topic: NewsThump! Private Eye and the like..

[Red Beret]

LIVERPOOL is an entirely fictional city, Rupert Murdoch has insisted.

The owner of the Times and the S*n said his newspapers would never run stories about non-existent places and would instead focus on ‘real cities’ like Birmingham and Newcastle.

He added: “Liverpool only exists in films and comics, like Gotham and Metropolis.

“My newspapers do not report fiction. We pride ourselves on providing facts that have been gathered in an honourable way.

“Shoddy newspapers like the Guardian and the Mirror can write about this ‘Liverpool’ and try and hoodwink their readers into believing that it occupies a large area in the North West of England.

“S*n readers are much too clever to fall for that nonsense.”

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/media/liverpool-is-not-a-real-place-claims-rupert-murdoch-20160427108351

[Andy @ Allerton!]

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/environment/attenborough-filmed-us-having-sex-say-animals-2012102946716

Attenborough filmed us having sex, say animals

BBC star David Attenborough regularly filmed animals copulating, it has been claimed.

Attenborough has become the latest BBC presenter facing allegations of inappropriate behaviour after dozens of species contacted the corporation.

Eight-year-old water buffalo Tom Logan said: “He said that it was important for audiences to learn about Africa’s delicate ecology, and that lovemaking was key to the cycle of life.

“I didn’t really understand it at the time – surely most humans already know about sex, it basically works the same for all mammals.

“But he was very persuasive, saying ‘Don’t you care that your habitat could be under threat?’ and ‘It’s as natural as going to the watering hole’.

“As a prey animal I’m used to things looking at me hungrily but what I saw in David’s eyes was a different kind of appetite.”

Six month-old leopard slug Emma Bradford said: “I found the attention flattering – most people aren’t that interested in gastropods.

“But David was like, ‘We will need to show all aspects of your life cycle.’ I didn’t know what he meant at first, then he did a hand gesture mimicking two invertebrates in the throes of passion.

“He’s not a national treasure, he’s a grubby old sod with chipped fingernails.”

[Ratboy3G]

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/sport/sport-headlines/manchester-united-finally-appoint-manager-as-loathsome-as-they-are-20160527109149

Not satire

[Andy @ Allerton!]

http://newsthump.com/2016/05/31/i-should-have-put-my-election-pledges-on-a-beer-mat-admits-ed-miliband/

I should have put my election pledges on a beer mat, admits Ed Miliband

Former Labour leader Ed Miliband has admitted that things could have been very different if he’d put his key election pledges on a quarter of a million beer mats instead of carving them into a granite slab.

After spending a year being relentlessly reminded of his pledge stone by absolutely everyone he meets, Miliband has told sources that he could be sitting in Downing Street right now if he’d only gone for the beer mat angle, instead.

“The pledges themselves weren’t the problem, it was the medium – not the message,” Miliband told our source.

“I should have realised it sooner, people don’t want grand gestures to illustrate political ideas, they want political ideas forced down their throats in bite-sized chunks while they’re enjoying a pint of cheap lager. It makes so much sense to me now.“


Of course a giant stone tablet wasn’t going to work; you can’t put your pint on a giant stone tablet. You can’t take a giant stone tablet to happy hour.

“And Christ, the beer mats would have been so much cheaper.

“Let’s just add it to the list shall we, we’ll call it election regret number 379.”

[Andy @ Allerton!]

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/politics/politics-headlines/re-using-nazi-propaganda-good-for-the-environment-says-Frottage-20160617109593

Re-using Nazi propaganda 'good for the environment', says Frottage



RECYCLING propaganda images from the Nazis is the environmentally responsible thing to do, says Nigel Frottage.

The UKIP leader has confirmed his is the only campaign using 100 per cent recycled National Socialist newsreel images for his billboard adverts, making him greener than any of his colleagues.

He continued: “We wouldn’t want to be involved with the Brexit campaign if we couldn’t do it sustainably.

“Luckily, one of my team has an interest in Germany throughout the 1930s and 1940s and realised there were all these marvellous vintage ideas we could repurpose.

“There’s a wonderful old-fashioned charm to them, an almost rustic quality, but at the same time I think they’ll powerfully appeal to the mindset of many of today’s voters.”

Frottage added: “We’ve also made the commitment to fuel our battle bus entirely on pensioners’ fury that they can’t have golliwogs anymore, of which there’s a limitless supply.

“That’s UKIP. We’re obsessed with the future.”

[Andy @ Allerton!]

http://newsthump.com/2016/06/17/daily-mail-trying-hard-to-avoid-saying-thomas-mair-agreed-with-everything-they-write/

Daily Mail trying hard to avoid saying Thomas Mair agreed with everything they write

The man arrested for killing MP Jo Cox is mentally ill, and not a firm believer in the sort of thing regularly printed in the Daily Mail, according to the Daily Mail today.

The ‘newspaper’ that takes an anti-immigrant right-wing position on all issues, is keen not to show a link with the anti-immigrant right-wing positions of Thomas Mair.

Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre explained, “Yes, the Daily Mail consistently writes that the country is under siege from immigrants and Muslims, but I don’t see what that’s got to do with someone doing something awful because they think the country is under siege from immigrants and Muslims?

“A murderer wanting to ‘take his country back’ could not have been influenced by our numerous front page stories about needing to take our country back. That’s just a massive leap I’m afraid. How can you even try to connect to the two things?

“He was a loner, a gardener, and had mental health issues – that’s why he killed an MP known for her work with migrants and refugees. Nothing to do with his right-wing beliefs or the fact he shouted ‘Britain First’ before shooting her – that’s irrelevant.”

Non-moron Simon Williams said that agreeing with the Daily Mail should be the first indication that mental illness might be an issue.

He went on, “Mental illness doesn’t make you kill people, obviously – despite what the Daily Mail likes to think.

“People kill people when they can’t control their anger about what they see, hear and read.

“Now, if only we knew where people could regularly read sensationalist headlines designed to make people angry about immigrants – any ideas?”

[The Gulleysucker]

JEREMY Corbyn has admitted he does not understand why everyone is suddenly resigning just because they are hopelessly incompetent.

The Labour leader has watched as David Cameron and Roy Hodgson immediately quit their positions after catastrophic failures, but was nonplussed as to why.

He said: “I hear that kind of thing happens in the private sector, but these were state positions.

“You get your foot in the door, you work hard if ineptly, eventually you get promoted to a level of responsibility you’re unfit for and you stay until retirement on a final salary pension.

“But instead Roy and David seem to believe that their actual performance in the job relates to their suitability to continue in the job, which I have to admit is a connection I’m just not making.

“I wonder if all those shadow cabinet resignations are for something similar? They did keep banging on about someone who was utterly useless.

“Anyway, I can’t muse on it for long. I’m preparing policy on local councils’ right to boycott unethical supply chains. It’s a massive issue right now.”

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/politics/politics-headlines/corbyn-baffled-by-all-these-incompetency-resignations-20160628109908

[Andy @ Allerton!]

http://newsthump.com/2016/07/09/angela-leadsom-disgusted-by-accurate-report-of-things-that-she-said/

Andrea Leadsom ‘disgusted’ by accurate report of things that she said



Conservative leadership candidate Andrea Leadsom has said she is “disgusted” by a newspaper article that accurately reporting words that she said.

The Times quoted Mrs Leadsom as saying having children gives ‘a very real stake in the future of our country’ because it was a sentence that she had said in the presence of an interviewer several hours beforehand.

“I am so angry,” said Ms Leadsom.

“Just because I said faintly appalling things about how women not being Mums are a bit shit, it doesn’t mean that those things should be accurately reported on the front page of a national newspaper.

“It’s the worst gutter journalism I’ve ever seen.”

The paper headlined its front-page lead story ‘Being a mother gives me edge on May – Leadsom,’ which, although not a direct quote, summarised a conversation that had taken place between Ms Leadsom and a journalist.

Ms Leadsom insisted that although she had definitely said that she had children and Theresa May didn’t, she was in no way trying to make the point that she had children and Theresa May didn’t.

It is understood that Ms Leadsom will try and set the record straight in a self-penned article entitled ‘Theresa May’s got a shitty womb’.

[The Gulleysucker]

Britain to get absolutely everything it wants from Brexit negotiations
15-07-16



THE UK can get free access to the single market without any concessions on freedom of movement, according to a man with no idea what ‘negotiating’ means.

Warehouse operative Nathan Muir believes that if British representatives tell the EU that they mean business and refuse to back down they will get every single thing they want without surrendering anything.

He continued: “It’s all about attitude. If we walk in saying ‘I’ll trade this for this,’ or ‘We may agree some compromises’ they’ll make mincemeat out of us.

“But go in there British and proud, tell them ‘Full access to the single market, no immigration, and we keep all our subsidies or I’m out that door’ and they’ll cave like the continental cowards they are.

“Though obviously we do need to meet in the middle on freedom of movement. They can’t come here but I still go wherever I want. That seems fair.”

Friend Stephen Malley said: “I remember when Nathan went to negotiate himself a pay rise. They cut his hours and moved him to nights.”

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/international/britain-to-get-absolutely-everything-it-wants-from-brexit-negotiations-20160715110899

[Red Beret]

Somebody mentioned how the world had gone completely to shit since David Bowie died.  This has not gone unnoticed...

Reality continues to crumble in the wake of David Bowie’s death

Six months after the death of David Bowie, normal reality is collapsing at an ever-increasing rate.

Scientists have concluded that Bowie was in some way integral to the function of what we call normality in ways which they have not yet properly begun to understand, but postulate a hitherto unknown particle called the ‘Bowon’ which helped the universe keep its shit together.

Researchers at the Large Hadron Collider have added the Bowon to the list of particles they are looking for after recognising that things ‘really started to get all kinds of freaky’ after January 10th of this year.

“It started with small things,” said Professor of Applied Bowie Physics Simon Williams.

“Leicester winning the league, for example.

“But as time goes on, what we humans perceive as ‘normal’ is being revealed as a shared group illusion which is collapsing at an ever-increasing rate.

“Donald Trump leading in the polls. Hillary Clinton getting the nomination. Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson becoming Foreign Secretary. Jeremy Corbyn being allowed to remain where he is. That sort of thing.

“Stuff that simply would not happen in a sane world.”

Preliminary experimentation in subtracting the Bowon from other fundamental particles indicates that they just lose something of their Strangeness and Charm, and scientists theorise that this is what’s happening to everything, really.

Staff at CERN have taken to playing Space Oddity down the LHC really loudly to try and pull things back together, and will report on their findings.

http://newsthump.com/2016/07/15/reality-continues-to-crumble-in-the-wake-of-david-bowies-death/

I love how we post the links to these articles to confirm source and legitimacy. 

[Andy @ Allerton!]

http://newsthump.com/2015/08/05/search-parties-giving-up-hope-in-hunt-for-good-reason-not-to-like-jeremy-corbyn/

Search parties ‘giving up hope’ in hunt for good reason not to like Jeremy Corbyn

Volunteers looking for a good reason not to like Jeremy Corbyn are on the verge of giving up hope, according to sources today.

With search parties scouring archives, interviews and video footage for several weeks now, experts claim that a viable, genuine reason to dislike the man leading the labour leadership campaign is unlikely to be found.

As one search professional told us, “After this amount of time, you’d expect a legitimate reason to dislike him would have been found and paraded in front of the cameras in some sort of celebration.”

“But at this point we have to admit that the chances of finding a reason – especially one showing any signs of life – are infinitesimally small.”

“We might just have to accept the awful truth of him being quite likeable.”

Jeremy Corbyn

Those within the search parties themselves have said they’re not quite ready to give up.

Volunteer Simon Williams told us, “I genuinely believe we’ll find it. I know the reason to dislike him is out there. Somewhere.”

“With the amount of mud that has been slung in his direction, there has to be something about him we can take a massive dislike to.”

However another member of the same search party said they would have to make do with what they’ve found already.

They told us, “Well, there’s the beard – obviously. And the fact that he’s quite old.”

“And then there’s that photo where he’s sat next to Gerry Adams. I know it was in the middle of the Northern Ireland peace process, but it still looks bad.”

“Yeah, we’re really struggling.”

[BoRed]

Search parties ‘giving up hope’ in hunt for good reason not to like Jeremy Corbyn

Careful, you'll get the thread locked!

[The Gulleysucker]

Corbyn demands to be only unity candidate
20-07-16



JEREMY Corbyn has asked leadership rival Owen Smith to pull out of the race so he can run as Labour’s lone unity candidate.

The 67-year-old agrees with his challenger that the party should end its internal battle and rally around a single leadership candidate, but that it should be him.

Corbyn said: “Two people can never be one. That’s obvious.

“And, just as Angela Eagle left the race to avoid splitting the vote between herself and Owen, so should Owen drop out to ensure there is no choice whatsoever.

“The leadership election would still go ahead with a single candidate and voting would be made compulsory, giving me an indisputable 100 per cent unity mandate.

“Then I’ll probably go on another one of my holidays. There’s not really anything else that needs my attention right now.”

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/politics/politics-headlines/corbyn-demands-to-be-only-unity-candidate-20160720111146

[Andy @ Allerton!]

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/conspiracy-theorists-finally-convinced-no-secret-society-could-possibly-be-running-this-mess-20160724111302

Conspiracy theorists finally convinced no secret society could possibly be running this mess



CONSPIRACY theorists have finally been convinced there is no secret society running the country because no-one could possibly believe any of this was orchestrated.

Since the dawn of the internet, bedroom-based conspiracy theorists have thought society was controlled by a shadowy ‘Illuminati’ who somehow have the manpower to run everything.

Tom Logan, from Stevenage, said: “If they are running it then someone needs to be sacked.

“Or sacrificed, if that’s what they do.”

Racist, Norman Steele added, “I used to think the Jews were running everything. But they seem pretty organised, so I can’t imagine they’d be behind this mess.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, added: “When you look at the current state of affairs, it’s pretty clear who is running it.

“Over-privileged, incompetent white motherfuckers.”

[Andy @ Allerton!]

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/northerner-terrorised-london-by-saying-hello-20151001102473

A NORTHERN man has left a trail of terror across London by attempting to interact socially with everyone he meets.

Stephen Malley has left residents of the capital traumatised by his relentless onslaught of cheerful chat and maintained eye contact.

Euston ticket office operative Julian Cook said: “I pushed his Travelcard at him while staring fixedly downward but instead of scurrying off, head bowed in shame, he just stood there.

“I realised that his earlier remark about London attractions was not addressed to a Bluetooth headset but to me, and that he actually expected an answer.

“I closed my position immediately and have an appointment with the trauma counsellor.”

Malley’s campaign of terror spread to pubs, where he attempted to engage strangers with prying questions about what sort of day they were having. Later he left an entire tube carriage confused and angry with multiple light-hearted remarks about how crowded it was.

Malley said: “I’m actually a surly, miserable bastard, but when Northerners come down here we do this to ensure the people of London never visit us to discover our beautiful landscape and abundant, cheap housing.

“What a relief it was to arrive at Warrington station last night and tell the Big Issue seller to go fuck himself.”

[Andy @ Allerton!]

http://newsthump.com/2016/08/03/people-who-blamed-everything-on-eu-before-referendum-now-angry-if-anything-blamed-on-brexit/

People who blamed everything on EU before referendum now angry if anything blamed on Brexit



People who hold the EU responsible for everything that’s gone wrong in their lives have voiced their anger at the merest suggestion that the vote for Brexit is having a negative effect on the UK.

With Theresa May adamant that Brexit means Brexit and Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson insisting that arse means elbow, Leave supporters have been quick to pour scorn on anyone expressing concerns about what the future holds.

“Bremaniac traitor scum should stop talking our country down,” said committed patriot Simon Williams.

“We should hang them all from lampposts and feed their internal organs to the pigeons.”

The UK’s youth have expressed particular concerns that their future has been decided by the older generation.

“It’s like being given an inheritance I can only spend in BHS,” one concerned student told us.

Angry Brexiteers have dismissed these concerns and insisted that the future of Great Britain should “Stop moaning, you lazy know-nothing c*nts!”

Reports of a massive increase in race hate crimes, since the UK voted to leave, have also been rubbished and anyone fearful of the future told to “Shut up, you bad loser vermin bastards!”.

“It’s ridiculous to say that all Leave voters are racist,” insisted Mr Williams.

“You might have a case for saying all racists voted Leave, but that’s not the point.

“Twats that voted Remain should respect democracy and keep their mouths shut!”

[Red Beret]

http://newsthump.com/2016/08/03/people-who-blamed-everything-on-eu-before-referendum-now-angry-if-anything-blamed-on-brexit/

People who blamed everything on EU before referendum now angry if anything blamed on Brexit

When did newsthump start producing genuine, non-satire articles?

[Andy @ Allerton!]

http://newsthump.com/2015/04/23/exercise-pointless-if-you-keep-pushing-cakes-into-your-fat-face-conclude-experts/

Exercise pointless if you keep pushing cakes into your fat face, conclude experts



Scientists have confirmed that members of the public can run on a treadmill all they like, but it won’t make a jot of difference if they keep eating cake like their life depended on it.

In a report that has shocked the world, scientists found that burning off 400 calories in the gym is utterly pointless after consuming 4000 calories worth of lager and curry.

“It’s truly startling,” said Dr. Leonard McThighmaster.

“We were always under the impression that you could eat whatever you like as long as you dick about in the gym for ten minutes a week.”

“But this new study reveals what only a few of us suspected: Exercise is not the key to beating obesity.”

“Rather, it is slowing the rate at which gravy is poured down one’s gullet.”

Exercise effect on obesity

The report reveals that exercise remains important for tackling health issues such as heart disease and diabetes, but is not really that important for aspects such as what other people think of you, or how awful you look compared to that woman on the front of that magazine.

“That’s really annoying” said Norman Heath, a rambler from Guildford.

“I figured that all the walking I did meant that I could just kind of chill and eat lard and look forward to a long and happy life.”

“That’s why I got into rambling in the first place. Why else would you do it? It’s dull as all hell, but it’s easier than going to a gym.”

The news has come as a particularly satisfying shock to that smug bastard you work with, who reckons he can eat what he likes because he goes to a spin class once a week.

[The Gulleysucker]

He actually spoke against Corbyn, says aghast Labour supporter.



LABOUR leadership challenger Owen Smith stood on stage and said bad things about Jeremy Corbyn right to Jeremy’s face, shocked supporters have confirmed.

Hundreds of Labour voters watched open-mouthed at last night’s hustings in Cardiff where Smith criticised Corbyn as if he had every right to do so.

Momentum member Eleanor Shaw said: “Does he not realise who Jeremy Corbyn is?

“This is a man who opposed the Iraq war, who has crusaded for workers rights for four decades, who has never worn a tie, and some jumped-up MP stands there slinging insults as if he was any ordinary politician?

“Poor Jeremy just stood there, bewildered, asking again and again why Smith resigned from the shadow cabinet while harsh words rained down upon him.

“He’s a 67-year-old man, for God’s sake. From now on we need to make sure he’s kept to environments where his ideas aren’t challenged and he can feel comfortable, like Islington.”

Shaw added: “If Smith wants to continue spouting his filth he can do it somewhere nobody decent will hear him. Like the mainstream media.”

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/politics/politics-headlines/he-actually-spoke-against-corbyn-says-aghast-labour-supporter-20160805111888

[zebenzui]

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/northerner-terrorised-london-by-saying-hello-20151001102473

A NORTHERN man has left a trail of terror across London by attempting to interact socially with everyone he meets.

Stephen Malley has left residents of the capital traumatised by his relentless onslaught of cheerful chat and maintained eye contact.

Britain to get absolutely everything it wants from Brexit negotiations

THE UK can get free access to the single market without any concessions on freedom of movement, according to a man with no idea what ‘negotiating’ means.

Warehouse operative Nathan Muir believes that if British representatives tell the EU that they mean business and refuse to back down they will get every single thing they want without surrendering anything.

Friend Stephen Malley said: “I remember when Nathan went to negotiate himself a pay rise. They cut his hours and moved him to nights.”

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/international/britain-to-get-absolutely-everything-it-wants-from-brexit-negotiations-20160715110899

This Stephen Malley character is making a name for himself.

[Andy @ Allerton!]

http://newsthump.com/2016/08/05/48-of-brits-secretly-hoping-the-economy-will-turn-to-shit/

48% of Brits secretly hoping the economy will turn to shit

A survey has revealed that 48% of Brits would prefer to see years of recession and economic turmoil rather an upturn in fortunes so they can say ‘told you so’ to people who voted for Brexit.

Bank of England Governor Mark Carney explained, “It was one thing for the country to make such a stupid fucking decision in the face of such overwhelming expert evidence, but it would be another thing entirely for them to be proved right.

“So far, so good.”

In the build up to the referendum economic experts warned of catastrophic repercussions if the country voted to leave the EU.

However, this advice was vehemently rebuffed by the Leave camp, particularly Fuckwitted Pob lookalike Michael Gove who warned that “the only experts anyone should really listen to are the ones who advise you on the best way to advance your political career.”

To date, the vast majority of expert predictions appear to have been proved right as the UK economy braces itself for economic slowdown, and the Bank of England has also cut interest rates. Sterling is at a record low against the Dollar and Euro and huge sums are being wiped off the value of British companies.

“We fucking told you this would happen you bunch of bloody twats,” said Dave Cantello, a particularly smug and sanctimonious liberal standing outside a coffee emporium/shoe repair shop in Stoke Newington.

“I was listening to the radio with glee when they announced that manufacturing output and purchase intent had fallen sharply. I mean, I don’t really know what that means, but I still knew it would happen.

“And it puts me another day closer to delivering the biggest ‘I told you so’ ever seen in these parts. It’s going to be glorious.

“Of course, when I then heard later in the afternoon that the FTSE 100 had recovered, I nearly shat myself.

“But thankfully a Guardian podcast told me things have continued to get worse which is a massive relief, obviously.”

[Andy @ Allerton!]

http://newsthump.com/2016/08/06/donald-trump-pledges-to-replace-constitution-with-the-ferengi-rules-of-acquisition/

Donald Trump pledges to replace Constitution with the Ferengi Rules of Acquisition





The United States Constitution will be modified to include the Ferengi Rules of Acquisition, according to a policy document leaked from the Donald Trump campaign.

The news emerged after it became clear Trump’s campaign website would not allow supporters to cancel reoccurring donations, a move covered under Rule 239 as “Never be afraid to mislabel a product”.

Trump, who believes he is running for the position of ‘Grand Nagus’ of the United States, has a personal motto of “A man is only worth the sum of his possessions”, which is his favourite of the rules.

Others of his favourite rules include ‘war is good for business’ and ‘Employees are rungs on the ladder of success – don’t hesitate to step on them’.

Many supporters of Donald Trump already appear to be using at least the first three of the five stages of acquisition – infatuation, obsession, justification, appropriation and resale – to explain backing their candidate.

Speaking from the plush Ferenginar Casino on the Las Vegas Strip, a spokesman for Trump confirmed that all 285 of the rules would be added to the Constitution as amendments.

“We might shake up the order a bit,” we were told.

“The first two amendments will be ‘Females and finances don’t mix’ and ‘It never hurts to suck up to the boss’.

“Donald was very clear about that for some reason.”

The leak was described as ‘Unsurprising, predictable and weak’ by Trump’s opponent in the race, Hillary Klingon.

[Andy @ Allerton!]

http://newsthump.com/2016/08/14/daily-mails-blood-pressure-dangerously-high-as-black-muslim-immigrant-wins-team-gb-gold/

Daily Mail’s blood pressure ‘dangerously high’ as black Muslim immigrant wins Team GB gold



The Daily Mail is going to have to see a doctor after black Muslim immigrant Mo Farah won gold for Team GB.

Symptoms including blood pressure of 190 over 90 and a tightening of the chest began at about 1:30 this morning as the final of the Olympic 10,000 metres began in Rio.

Relief was temporarily felt as Farah fell during the race putting him towards the back of the field, but the palpitations were soon back in full force.

A spokesperson for the paper told us, “There was hope everything would be alright as Mo was overtaken on the last lap, but it was a brief respite.

“At the point Mo crossed the line in first place while doing the Mo-bot the paper was on its knees with a mouth full of bile.

“It rolled into the foetal position and kept repeating to itself, ‘Oh God, we’re going to have to be nice to him, oh Jesus, please don’t make us say nice things about him, not him, please’.

“When presented with the amended front page showing a victorious Mo with a Union Jack and his gold medal, oxygen was required, and an ambulance was called.”

However, reports are emerging that doctors expect the paper will make a full recovery after it was treated with a second-hand story about a Muslim woman caught shoplifting after hiding food under her burka in an Asda somewhere in Birmingham.

[Andy @ Allerton!]

http://newsthump.com/2016/08/15/wheres-my-fcking-medal-demands-horse/

‘Where’s my f*cking medal’ demands horse



Charlotte Dujardin’s horse Valegro has demanded to know why he hasn’t been given a gold medal like the woman he carries around.

Speaking after essentially allowing Dujardin defend her Individual Dressage title a visibly upset Valegro told reporters that the time has come for horses to be properly rewarded.

“Charlotte’s been telling me what a good boy I am and all that kind of shit,” said Valegro.

“Apparently, I’m in line for some extra sugar lumps and a couple of apples – well whoop-de-fucking-do.

“I don’t want a Golden Delicious; I want a sodding gold medal thank you very much.

“After all, it’s me that’s doing all the work out there, prancing about like a total bellend while Her Ladyship takes all the credit. It was 35 degrees today for fucks sake; I’m knackered!

“I want to stand on a specially made podium with the medal round my neck and tears in my eyes listening to the theme from Black Beauty cranked up to eleven while the flag goes up.

“My mates are all racehorses you know, they think it’s hilarious to see me poncing about like a glorified poodle at Crufts, but a gold medal would shut them right up.”

Dujardin has apologised to Valegro but claims she was unaware that her long-term partner was unhappy.

“I’d no idea he was so glum,” said the three-time gold medalist.

“Although he did have a bit of a long face when we finished.

“I’ll get my show coat.”

[Big Red Richie]

http://newsthump.com/2016/08/06/donald-trump-pledges-to-replace-constitution-with-the-ferengi-rules-of-acquisition/

Donald Drumpf pledges to replace Constitution with the Ferengi Rules of Acquisition

Ha Ha Ha. Brilliant. 

[The Gulleysucker]

Momentum Trumpton account regrettably seems to have been suspended this afternoon.

The Peoples Anti Sense Of Humour Front I expect.

[The Gulleysucker]

Brexit brainstorm comes up with idea of staying in Europe
31-08-16



A BREXIT brainstorming session has come up with the idea of boosting the UK’s economy by remaining in the EU.

The entire Conservative cabinet was brought together to think of new and radical approaches to Brexit by prime minister Theresa May, who told everyone that there are no bad ideas and everything is on the table.

Brexit secretary David Davis said: “It was 2am when Liam Fox said ‘If we need to be in the single market and we need freedom of movement, why don’t we join the EU?’

“Unfortunately we realised that, post-Brexit, there’s no way we’d meet the criteria – the country will be a wreck – but as we haven’t actually left yet we can simply stay in.

“Also, we worked out how to eliminate all the thorny problems of juggling private healthcare providers by creating a state-run, state-owned health service.

“We should have these brainstorms more often. Really gets you thinking out of the box.”

Theresa May said: “Brexit means Brexit, and Brexit means continuing as a full member of the EU. What?”


http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/politics/politics-headlines/brexit-brainstorm-comes-up-with-idea-of-staying-in-europe-20160831113109

[classycarra]

Hadn't seen this thread before, this is in the latest private eye

[Andy @ Allerton!]

http://newsthump.com/2016/04/07/striking-doctors-out-of-touch-claims-party-of-rich-old-men-whove-never-had-a-proper-job/

Striking doctors ‘out of touch’, claims party of rich old men who’ve never had a proper job



The Conservative party has invoked ‘pot-kettle-black’ by suggesting that another large group of people are acting against the interests of Britain.

The British Medical Association (BMA) backed a 48 hour strike by junior doctors after it was revealed that the government was forcing a new contract on them, meaning that the modern junior doctor will be reduced to one hot meal a week as opposed to the traditional two.

The Conservatives were quick to brand the move “irresponsible” and “damaging to the future of Britain”, causing almost everyone within earshot to shove a mirror into the nearest Tory face and “take a good, long look you bloody hypocrite.”

Stacey Anderton, a 29 year-old junior doctor who’s done more good in the last month than the Government front bench could manage in the entirety of their over-privileged lives, said, “it is going to be a little tighter around the house, you know, during the odd hour I get to spend there.

“I was mildly amused by the Conservatives’ suggestion that we’re acting out of self-interest rather than a desire to, y’know, eat and sleep every once in a while.

“I hope we’re not distracting too much from their plans to abolish inheritance tax?”

A spokesperson from the Conservative Party said, “We are fully aware of the issues surrounding the funding of the health service.

“For example, some hospitals can still afford to use fluorescent light bulbs. You can kiss those goodbye.

“Rest assured, Jeremy C*nt is working incredibly hard to fuck every hospital into a tin hat.”

[Elmo!]

We’re both shit but he’s a lunatic, says Owen Smith

LABOUR leadership candidate Owen Smith used last night’s BBC hustings to repeat that while both candidates are shit, Jeremy Corbyn is also deranged.

The challenger surprised critics by admitting he was a terrible candidate and would be unfit to lead the Labour party if his opponent were not just as terrible and delusional to boot.

Smith continued: “Let’s be real about this: I’m hopeless. Anyone who thought the only way was up after Ed Miliband should take a look at my total disaster of a campaign.

“However, be in no doubt that Jeremy Corbyn’s record of incompetence can easily match my own, on top of which he is a total nutter who keeps a photo of Lenin in his wallet to consult at difficult times.

“Even knowing that I am in all respects useless – and I promise you, I do – puts me ahead of a man who believes that four decades wearing beige on a backbench makes him God’s gift to socialism.

“In summary, I am shit but Jeremy Corbyn is shit and mental, and on those grounds I ask for your vote. Thank you.”

Jeremy Corbyn responded by gripping the podium and staring dementedly around the room as if deciding who would be first against the wall when his revolution came.

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/politics/politics-headlines/were-both-shit-but-hes-a-lunatic-says-owen-smith-20160909113559

[The Gulleysucker]

Britain wants Jurgen Klopp to be its stepdad.



BRITAIN’S football fans have admitted that having Jurgen Klopp as a stepdad would be great.

After the Liverpool manager made people actually care about a Burnley-Watford match last night, the consensus was that having him around when you went back home would be ace.

Arsenal fan Wayne Hayes said: “I’ve always thought Arsene Wenger would be a distant, patrician type who would constantly remind me what a disappointment I was to my mother but Jurgen would get me pissed on home brew in his shed.

“He’d pop 20 Regal into my top pocket, ruffle my hair and we’d go and watch Jaws together on his massive telly.”

Klopp stood in for Sky pundit Gary Neville and was immediately inundated with requests to permanently replace the former Valencia punchline.

Thousands called in to the show to ask the producers to pass on a photo of their mum with her phone number on the back and a comment on how good she looks for her age.

Hayes said: “Most people’s step-dads just make the bathroom a no-go area after Christmas dinner, like I reckon Sam Allardyce does.”

 
http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/sport/sport-headlines/britain-wants-jurgen-klopp-to-be-its-stepdad-20160927114466

[MichaelA]

One of their better efforts, principally because it's very close to the truth.

[MichaelA]

Norman Bettison's Hillsborough memoirs. The world is, as of this week, mainly beyond parody.

[The Gulleysucker]

Boris has Marxist column ready to go in case that becomes popular



Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson has prepared a magazine article about how great Marxism is, it has emerged.

In the unpublished opinion piece Seizing the Dream, Johnson passionately argues that the time is right for the working classes to take control of factories and execute Alan Sugar.

He writes: “While our children dress in rags, our masters have grown fat and bloated on the toil of the exploited proletariat.

“These greedy fatcats, soaked in the blood of the masses, produce nothing but piffle and hot air, and the day is nigh when the tide of history will dissolve them like lemon sherbert.

“In the words of my political hero Mao Tse-Tung, political power grows out of the barrel of a gun. When the revolution comes, the lickspittles of the ruling elite will be the first against the wall.”

Political analyst Helen Archer said: “This article dates from when Boris was deciding whether to join the Conservatives or the Workers’ Revolutionary Party.

“He decided to hang onto it in case communism starts to look like the hot meal ticket.”

Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson said: “I made a persuasive argument for swift and bloody revolution to demonstrate how little I believed it. My hammer-and-sickle tattoo and my senior role in the Class War Party were jolly student pranks.”

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/politics/politics-headlines/boris-has-marxist-column-ready-to-go-in-case-that-becomes-popular-20161017115497

[The Gulleysucker]

Mourinho downgraded to Adequate One
26-10-16



JOSE Mourinho has been reclassified as the Adequate One to reflect with his recent coaching CV.

Mourinho had been using the monicker ‘Special One’ since 2004, but a routine audit showed that the title may have lapsed.

Julian Cooke said: “When we asked to see the paperwork, Jose became quite frosty and started listing all the trophies he’d won.

“After a while he mumbled something about the Community Shield, which is clearly a fake competition.

“The only thing we could really see that was special was his ability to command a pay rise for each unsuccessful season.”

Mourinho will be re-classified as the ‘Adequate One’ but if his current form continues he could end the season being named ‘Coasting on Past Glories One’ or ‘David Moyes’.

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/sport/sport-headlines/mourinho-downgraded-to-adequate-one-20161026115991

[Red Beret]

Relieved Britain no longer biggest f**k-up of 2016

BRITAIN has woken up relieved to find its idiotic act of self-harm earlier this year is now a piffling historical footnote.

Across the UK, Britons are secretly delighted that when the great disasters of 2016 are remembered, Brexit will be completely overshadowed by America’s embrace of fascism.

Mary Fisher, from Croydon, said: “Wow. Like obviously bad for them, but what a total save for us.

“We’re the person who’s sick in the garden early on at the party, spends an hour thinking they’re an embarrassment, and then someone vomits explosively all over the leather couch and the new carpet.

“Brexit’s nothing now. All we’ve done is get out of the EU before their decade-long war with Russia.”

Historian Dr Helen Archer said: “For months we’ve been the world’s dumbest dickheads, and now we’re actually if anything a useful marker on the road to the total collapse of liberal democracy.

“I mean end of the world, obviously, but every cloud.”

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/international/relieved-britain-no-longer-biggest-fk-up-of-2016-20161109116771

[Red Beret]

Everyone to blame for twats like Trump 'except the people who vote for them'

PEOPLE who disagree with Donald Trump and Nigel Frottage are responsible for their success rather than the gullible idiots who vote for them, the media have decided.

Commentators believe Trump’s victory and Brexit could have been avoided if everyone stopped having reasonable views and agreed with mad, barely coherent grievances.

Guardian columnist Donna Sheridan said: “If tolerant people had listened to mental Trump supporters they wouldn’t have voted for him due to some magical process I can’t explain.

“It’s the same with Brexit. We should have been saying, ‘There there, it’s not your fault you have to be racist because you haven’t got an amazing job and the Polish shop makes you angry.’

“Liberals like me may as well have marched Trump and Brexit supporters to the polling station and made them vote with a gun at the their head, but obviously we’d never do that because we’re too nice.”

Political pundit Tom Booker said: “We need to listen to ordinary people, even if it’s hard to work out what their point is except that all politicians are basically criminals and we won the war.”

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/politics/politics-headlines/everyone-to-blame-for-twats-like-trump-except-the-people-who-vote-for-them-20161113117081

[generic_name]

‘Suspicious object’ at Daily Mail offices identified as a piece of factual journalism

The offices of The Daily Mail were evacuated earlier after a suspicious object later identified as a piece of journalism was discovered in the building.

A spokesman for the Daily Mail & General Trust confirmed they had no idea how the fact came to be at Northcliffe House and it definitely wasn’t theirs.

Chief Ad salesman Simon Williams told us how he made the discovery.

“My suspicions were first aroused when I saw this bit of research that included actual data and verified citations on it just lying about, and I thought ‘There’s no reason that should be here’.

“Clearly nobody at the newspaper would have something like that nowadays, so it must have been brought in by an outsider.”

The owner of the factual journalism has not been identified, although police are confident it did not originate in the offices of rival outlets such as the Guardian or the Canary.

Security services are understood to be wanting to talk to a man they describe as ‘suspicious’ as CCTV footage shows him doing some actual research and speaking to experts before writing an article.

Police described the evacuation of the offices as extremely orderly.

“It was dead easy,” we were told.

“We just turned on the BBC news and everyone just covered their ears and ran from the building.”

The accurate reflection of events was discovered at around 1.30pm, and staff were told to wait in the street outside while the Mail’s specialist team of fact disposal experts investigated its contents.

As one member of the fact disposal team explained, “We have spent thousands of man-hours perfecting the art of taking dangerous facts and making them safe for consumption by our readers. This was no different, and we were ready.

“By the time we had finished, I can assure everyone the content was completely fact-free.”

http://newsthump.com/2016/11/14/suspicious-object-at-daily-mail-offices-identified-as-a-piece-of-factual-journalism/

[oojason]

The Orwell Lecture 2016: Ian Hislop... (from November 15th)

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/v/IBG0T06jbec?fs=1" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer" class="bbc_link bbc_flash_disabled new_win">http://www.youtube.com/v/IBG0T06jbec?fs=1</a>

^ It's over an hour, but some interesting and concise points made.


And for Hislop's Private Eye:-

https://twitter.com/PrivateEyeNews
https://www.facebook.com/PrivateEyeNews
http://www.private-eye.co.uk/

[Red Beret]

I think this belongs in here.  At least, I hope it does 

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—In what Donald Trump’s transition-team members are calling a further example of international coöperation, Russian President Vladimir Putin has agreed to receive daily U.S. intelligence briefings in the place of the President-elect.

Trump, who had earlier decided that he did not need the briefings and had assigned Vice-President-elect Mike Pence to receive them, said on Tuesday that Putin was a “much better choice.”

“No offense to Mike, but Vladimir Putin is just a terrific, terrific guy to do this,” he said. “He knows all the players.”

Trump said that, while he was “totally uninterested” in receiving the briefings, Putin appeared to be “extremely interested.”

http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/putin-agrees-to-receive-intelligence-briefings-in-trumps-place