Author Topic: Jokes so bad they're punny  (Read 671062 times)

Offline sinnermichael

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6680 on: June 27, 2022, 05:44:07 pm »
I just saw Beyonce on her way to Wimbledon to watch the tennis.

She’s going to see all the ladies singles, all the ladies singles.

Offline bradders1011

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6681 on: June 29, 2022, 12:03:59 am »
What do you call those bum bags that people wear to festivals for their cash and cards?

A waist of money.
If I were a linesman, I would execute defenders who applauded my offsides.

Offline Sangria

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6682 on: July 3, 2022, 06:07:44 pm »
I just saw Beyonce on her way to Wimbledon to watch the tennis.

She’s going to see all the ladies singles, all the ladies singles.

I don't know anything about Beyonce, so I googled to see which lyric this might be. I couldn't find it, but I was pointed to a song called "Apeshit", and I was captivated by the opening verse.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Sheer poetry.
"i just dont think (Lucas is) that type of player that Kenny wants"
Vidocq, 20 January 2011

http://www.redandwhitekop.com/forum/index.php?topic=267148.msg8032258#msg8032258

Offline red vinyl

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6683 on: July 3, 2022, 09:37:08 pm »
It may have been an ode to 2 unlimiteds No No,No no no no,no no ,no no no there’s no limit.

Offline Sangria

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6684 on: July 5, 2022, 10:37:50 am »
A supreme court judge was accused of abusing his position and decorating his office in an extravagant and inappropriate manner. He pleaded gildy.
"i just dont think (Lucas is) that type of player that Kenny wants"
Vidocq, 20 January 2011

http://www.redandwhitekop.com/forum/index.php?topic=267148.msg8032258#msg8032258

Offline sinnermichael

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6685 on: July 9, 2022, 02:44:28 pm »
I went to see the Bank Manager yesterday. I said I was in dire straits. He was really helpful, practically offering me money for nothing.

Online SamLad

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6686 on: July 9, 2022, 04:02:40 pm »
and cheques for free, I assume.

Offline Andy @ Allerton!

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6687 on: July 13, 2022, 03:01:42 pm »
Took my son for his first pint today.

I came back from the bar and got him a Stella. He didn't like it, so I had to drink both. I tried again and got him a Strongbow. Same thing - wouldn't drink it, ungrateful little bastard. So I was forced to drink both. This happened again with Pironi, Guiness, Fosters, Tetleys and even when I offered him Whisky and Vodka.

In the end I was so pissed that I barely got him and his pram back home.
Quote from: tubby on Today at 12:45:53 pm

They both went in high, that's factually correct, both tried to play the ball at height.  Doku with his foot, Mac Allister with his chest.

Offline Statto Red

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6688 on: July 18, 2022, 03:34:50 pm »
I see Limerick beat Kilkenny in the All Ireland Hurling final yesterday,  the bastards. [one for those familiar with South Park ;)]
#Sausages

Offline bradders1011

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6689 on: July 21, 2022, 09:56:17 am »
What do Russians use to treat cuts?

TCCCP.
If I were a linesman, I would execute defenders who applauded my offsides.

Offline sinnermichael

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6690 on: July 27, 2022, 09:17:27 am »
Last night I spotted an albino Dalmatian, it was the least I could do for him.

Offline Andy @ Allerton!

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6691 on: July 27, 2022, 09:54:25 am »
Be careful if you go on the new Tesco dating app.

My mate went on it and now he's got a bag for life
Quote from: tubby on Today at 12:45:53 pm

They both went in high, that's factually correct, both tried to play the ball at height.  Doku with his foot, Mac Allister with his chest.

Offline Statto Red

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6692 on: July 30, 2022, 09:11:00 pm »
I switched on my TV to get the UFC fight on, it had KFC instead, with a chicken getting battered, it was poultry in motion.
#Sausages

Offline Brissyred

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6693 on: August 1, 2022, 05:16:51 am »
Paddy says to Mick 'How did you get on at that faith healing group last night?'
Mick said ' He was absolutely shite, even the fella in the wheelchair got up and walked out'

Offline Andy @ Allerton!

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6694 on: August 6, 2022, 12:07:00 am »
Amazing what they think of these days. I was sitting there when an amazing documentary came on the telly. It was about this guy who designed a plane that was totally crash proof and made out of rubber.

It was called a Boing 747
Quote from: tubby on Today at 12:45:53 pm

They both went in high, that's factually correct, both tried to play the ball at height.  Doku with his foot, Mac Allister with his chest.

Offline Sangria

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6695 on: August 6, 2022, 01:02:15 am »
I saw a documentary about jet airliners. At least I caught the beginning of it. The narrator had an awful dreary voice, and I couldn't keep awake. I think the documentary was called Boring 747.
"i just dont think (Lucas is) that type of player that Kenny wants"
Vidocq, 20 January 2011

http://www.redandwhitekop.com/forum/index.php?topic=267148.msg8032258#msg8032258

Offline Statto Red

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6696 on: August 8, 2022, 03:08:24 pm »
I see there's a water treatment works right next door to Bramley Moor Dock, & the owners of the works have put an objection in to Everton's new stadium, as Everton will stink the place out even more than they do. ;D
#Sausages

Offline Andy @ Allerton!

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6697 on: August 8, 2022, 03:30:22 pm »
I see there's a water treatment works right next door to Bramley Moor Dock, & the owners of the works have put an objection in to Everton's new stadium, as Everton will stink the place out even more than they do. ;D

Dropped the missus off at Goodison and went past there on Saturday.

My word. Ponginess Explodes!

Quote from: tubby on Today at 12:45:53 pm

They both went in high, that's factually correct, both tried to play the ball at height.  Doku with his foot, Mac Allister with his chest.

Offline Statto Red

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6698 on: August 8, 2022, 09:08:53 pm »
Dropped the missus off at Goodison and went past there on Saturday.

My word. Ponginess Explodes!

Which one was it, Goodison or Bramley Moore. ;D
#Sausages

Offline bradders1011

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6699 on: August 8, 2022, 09:55:01 pm »
From Finch Farm to Shit Farm.
If I were a linesman, I would execute defenders who applauded my offsides.

Offline afc tukrish

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6700 on: August 8, 2022, 11:24:37 pm »
From Finch Farm to Shit Farm.

Or Pinch Farm...

Or do you all not "pinch one off" over there?
Since haste quite Schorsch, but Liverpool are genuine fight pigs...

Offline Andy @ Allerton!

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6701 on: August 9, 2022, 09:07:34 am »
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”

The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”

The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”

The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

The man demands the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.

He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.

Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.


So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”

The man is relieved to no end.

He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.


Spoiler
But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk
[close]
Quote from: tubby on Today at 12:45:53 pm

They both went in high, that's factually correct, both tried to play the ball at height.  Doku with his foot, Mac Allister with his chest.

Offline Son of Spion

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6702 on: August 9, 2022, 10:26:23 am »
^
 :no
The light that burns twice as bright, burns half as long, and you've burned so very, very brightly, Jürgen.

Offline Andy @ Allerton!

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6703 on: August 9, 2022, 03:39:19 pm »
My grandad used to say to me "Son, when one door closes, another one opens"

He was an amazing, lovely fella.

Shite cabinet maker though.
Quote from: tubby on Today at 12:45:53 pm

They both went in high, that's factually correct, both tried to play the ball at height.  Doku with his foot, Mac Allister with his chest.

Online SamLad

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6704 on: August 9, 2022, 03:50:51 pm »
My grandad used to say to me "Son, when one door closes, another one opens"

He was an amazing, lovely fella.

Shite cabinet maker though.
Bastard ... made me actually laugh  :)

Online Scottish-Don

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6705 on: August 10, 2022, 12:53:24 pm »
In order to try and save on costs, anaesthetists in NHS Scotland are offering to knock patients out with gas, which you have to pay for, or a boat paddle which you don’t.

It’s an ether/oar situation.
Follow me on Twitter - @achtung_davie

Offline Elmo!

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6706 on: August 10, 2022, 01:02:34 pm »
I was making some salad dressing the other day, but was devastated when I realised I had misplaced on of the key ingredients.

I'd lost the huile d'olive.

Offline sinnermichael

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6707 on: August 10, 2022, 03:34:39 pm »
Insurance companies are warning campers that if their tent is stolen during the night, they won’t be covered.

Offline afc tukrish

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6708 on: August 10, 2022, 04:34:52 pm »
Insurance companies are warning campers that if their tent is stolen during the night, they won’t be covered.

 :lmao
Since haste quite Schorsch, but Liverpool are genuine fight pigs...

Offline Andy @ Allerton!

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6709 on: August 14, 2022, 08:25:40 pm »
I was in a rush this morning and accidentally locked myself out of my car. I was all over the place, had loads of stuff to sort out.

My neighbour was walking by with his dog and came over and said "Hi mate, I've sorted your car for you." and handed me my keys!

"Wow," I said, "How did you do that!?"

"It was easy mate, luckily for you, I was wearing my Khaki trousers.."
Quote from: tubby on Today at 12:45:53 pm

They both went in high, that's factually correct, both tried to play the ball at height.  Doku with his foot, Mac Allister with his chest.

Offline John C

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6710 on: August 14, 2022, 09:27:30 pm »
Insurance companies are warning campers that if their tent is stolen during the night, they won’t be covered.
Superb  ;D

Offline bradders1011

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6711 on: August 16, 2022, 11:08:55 pm »
Egyptians were great builders, but only up to a point.
If I were a linesman, I would execute defenders who applauded my offsides.

Offline afc tukrish

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6712 on: August 17, 2022, 12:53:18 am »
Egyptians were great builders, but only up to a point.

Ptolemy laughed at that one...
Since haste quite Schorsch, but Liverpool are genuine fight pigs...

Offline Only Me

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6713 on: August 17, 2022, 12:56:42 am »
What’s the only type of dog that has five legs?

An American Pit Bull on the way back from a playground…

Offline Only Me

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6714 on: August 17, 2022, 01:04:49 am »
I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold Roman coins.

I ran straight into the house to tell my wife all about it.

But then I remembered why I was digging in our garden……

Offline 67CherryRed

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6715 on: August 17, 2022, 07:56:28 am »
I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold Roman coins.

I ran straight into the house to tell my wife all about it.

But then I remembered why I was digging in our garden……
You found the Trevor Jord-stash

Offline Saltashscouse

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6716 on: August 17, 2022, 09:09:52 pm »
What do you call an Egyptian car park attendant
Toot and come in
« Last Edit: August 18, 2022, 06:06:31 am by Saltashscouse »
Jan Molby once bought me a pint 🍺

Offline Saltashscouse

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6717 on: August 17, 2022, 10:18:00 pm »
Phew it’s absolutely roasting ,32 degrees,
So earlier I stripped off naked and opened all the windows
The looks I got off the other passengers on the 79 was priceless
Jan Molby once bought me a pint 🍺

Offline Son of Spion

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6718 on: August 18, 2022, 06:08:40 pm »
I just accidentally smashed a full length mirror in Taskers.

The shop assistant was nice enough. She said ''it's no reflection on you.''
The light that burns twice as bright, burns half as long, and you've burned so very, very brightly, Jürgen.

Offline Riquende

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6719 on: August 19, 2022, 01:11:34 pm »
Phew it’s absolutely roasting ,32 degrees,
So earlier I stripped off naked and opened all the windows
The looks I got off the other passengers on the 79 was priceless

"The nicest thing about quotes is that they give us a nodding acquaintance with the originator which is often socially impressive."

~ Kenneth Williams, with whom I'm noddingly acquainted. Socially impressed?