Topic: Stupid Things Your Wife / Husband / Partner Say

[Tesco tearaway]

Just had a conversation with my wife about racism.
Mrs TT... "I remember when I was watching Gladiator once and my mate asked me who was winning. I said, the pink team."
Me... "WTF?"
Mrs TT... " Oh, don't you remember, there were two teams; one pink and one yellow."
Me... "Oh yeah, I remember it now. My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Pink Legions and loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son. Husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.
Mrs TT... "WTF are you on about?"
Me... 

Turns out that she didn't identify the team that was winning as lead by a black girl or white girl, just as the two colours of the teams.
Editted for clarification...
She was on about the telly show Gladiators 

[jambutty]

Missus was watching something on telly before, one of the characters says "Alexa, play " and the bloody living room Dot woke up and tried to find it.

Yer can't mention her within earshot.  We call her Aleska when mentioning her service.

[rob1966]

Yer can't mention her within earshot.  We call her Aleska when mentioning her service.

Wyatt on Planet Rock has had to stop calling it by name as he got that many complaints

Typical woman, always earwigging.

[Ziltoid]

On one of the quizzes last night - Mastermind or Uni Challenge they mentioned the female astronaut who had spent longest in space.  I'm not sure the rest of the question - either which shuttle she took or where she spent her days but our lass (after I'd put a few shuttle names to her - I didn't hear the question) said "Sputnik?"  Fucking hell I said, she must have been fucking tiny.  I then had to produce a pic of Sputnik to show her how small the craft was.  To be fair she did laugh at herself.

[Qston]

Got our Alexa as an alarm clock. One morning, groggy and knackered I said Alexa, you c*nt. She goes 1, 2,3...

you can get her to swear at you, you know....

Try "Alexa say 100 100 100 100 in welsh" and see what happens 

[rob1966]

you can get her to swear at you, you know....

Try "Alexa say 100 100 100 100 in welsh" and see what happens 

[bradders1011]

Me: "Have you ever seen The Mousetrap?"

Her: "I've not seen the play, but I've seen the film. The one with Lee Evans in and the other fella."

Me: "....................................do you mean Mouse Hunt?"

[bradders1011]

On the other hand, she tells me I was gobbling like a turkey in my sleep and said "Now that's a real turkey for ya!"

Alcohol is strange.

[Buck Pete]

On one of the quizzes last night - Mastermind or Uni Challenge they mentioned the female astronaut who had spent longest in space.  I'm not sure the rest of the question - either which shuttle she took or where she spent her days but our lass (after I'd put a few shuttle names to her - I didn't hear the question) said "Sputnik?"  Fucking hell I said, she must have been fucking tiny.  I then had to produce a pic of Sputnik to show her how small the craft was.  To be fair she did laugh at herself.

Ziltoid berating his wife Partridge style over her Soviet era aeronautical ignorance.

"Sputnik?...Its a satellite, you fool!"

[Crosby Nick]

Ziltoid berating his wife Partridge style over her Soviet era aeronautical ignorance.

"Sputnik?...Its a satellite, you fool!"

[Rhi]

My partner (who is Polish) asked me if I’d ever seen the film “The Quiet Lambies”.

I had no idea what she was on about until she Googled the DVD cover.

She meant “Silence of the Lambs”.

[Barneylfc∗]

My partner (who is Polish) asked me if I’d ever seen the film “The Quiet Lambies”.

I had no idea what she was on about until she Googled the DVD cover.

She meant “Silence of the Lambs”.

 

[Crosby Nick]

The Quiet Lambies sounds like good harmless family fun. Might watch it with the kids later.

[rob1966]

The Quiet Lambies sounds like good harmless family fun. Might watch it with the kids later.

I remember a few years ago the missus walking in with a DVD she'd bought at work, she proudly announces "I've got this kids film we can watch with them at the weekend."

What's it called?

Ted.

They can't watch that you divvy

[Crosby Nick]

I remember a few years ago the missus walking in with a DVD she'd bought at work, she proudly announces "I've got this kids film we can watch with them at the weekend."

What's it called?

Ted.

They can't watch that you divvy

Haha, you should have put it on, see how long it lasted.

[rob1966]

Haha, you should have put it on, see how long it lasted.

They've watched it since at their cousins.

I never got over letting my nephew watch Jeepers Creepers 2.

[rob1966]

Missus lost her engagement ring on holiday, so been trying to find the valuation for the insurance. Searching everywhere for it, spent a couple of hours searching through all kinds of crap on Saturday and cannot find it, been in the loft etc. I know I saw it last year, but no sign, missus having a go at me for not putting it away safe. Yesterday, checked another wardrobe, looked behind this small sit up machine she never uses and there's the envelope. Oh yeah, I remember now, I put it there for safety

[Mumm-Ra]

yesterday: "I don't want to bite the gift horse in the mouth"

[El_Frank]

  I love it when people mix two sayings together like that.

[afc tukrish]

I love it when people mix two sayings together like that.

Don't bite the hand that feeds the gift horse's mouth...

[reddebs]

yesterday: "I don't want to bite the gift horse in the mouth"

Back in the day when my kids were still teenagers I always mixed up music artists/groups names so it was Snow Monkeys and Arctic Patrol or Pussycat Babes and Sugar Dolls.

Made perfect sense to me 🤷

[Slippers]

'No wonder no one believes him,he's cried lamb too many times'.

[liverbloke]

yeh he was sooooo angry that his temper went from nothing to zero

[El Lobo]

On the new ASDA advert ‘It’s funny but it just looks like it’s bits from the film’

[spen71]

Back in the day when my kids were still teenagers I always mixed up music artists/groups names so it was Snow Monkeys and Arctic Patrol or Pussycat Babes and Sugar Dolls.

Made perfect sense to me 🤷

My dad always said Them Stoned Roses!

[reddebs]

My dad always said Them Stoned Roses!

Yeah I can see that!

[Saltashscouse]

Yeah I can see that!

My mother in law ( god rest her soul ) when she used to look after our boys for the weekend would get them some treats

" Hi boys  I've got you some Whose its and Sergeant Pepper ( Wotsits and Dr Pepper ) cracked me up every time ,my boys 31 and 35 now still laugh about it

[liverbloke]

last night i was talking to my girl about nirvana and kurt cobain taking his own life and she said - yeh i blame that courtney cox

[bradders1011]

Father in law:

"Ooh Jodie Foster's 60......


..... Who's Jodie Foster?"

[reddebs]

Not from hubby or partner but a shopper at the meat wholesalers yesterday.

The place is full of chillers and freezers so it's cold even in a heatwave and I commented to the woman on the checkout about how they're coping when the customers behind me said "haven't they put any heating on for you"?

Errrr.... You're stood in a massive fridge why would they use heating 😂

[A-Bomb]

Right, get yourself ready for some decent advice mate -

Next time she asks, stare blankly at the floor for a little while, start shaking and then burst out crying. Act as if you're in one of those PTSD situations, and she's just rocked you right back into "the moment." Then tell her that your ex always used to ask you questions like that, and she totally destroyed your self confidence, because no answer was ever good enough for her. Then tell her how different you thought she was from other girls, and that you thought you might have something special, but the very fact that she asked that question might make you doubt that. She'll feel as guilty as fuck, and rather than ask you any more daft fucking questions, you might get a bit of fucking peace and quiet, and possibly a blow job to cheer you up. It's worth looking like a soft c*nt for half an hour for a lifetime of peace.

If however, she doesn't take the bait, just tell her that you were wondering if the bird out of In Bruges takes it up the tailpipe.

Oh this takes me back some years, macca where are you!! 

[TepidT2O]

Watching Portugal Morocco


Me: It’s almost a derby match this, they’re almost neighbours.

Wife:  that’s good they’ll be able to speak to each other in Spanish.

[The G in Gerrard]

Watching Portugal Morocco


Me: It’s almost a derby match this, they’re almost neighbours.

Wife:  that’s good they’ll be able to speak to each other in Spanish.

[Ghost Town]

It's true that they don't know a single word of Spanish in Casablanca...

[TepidT2O]

My wife has just sworn to me that Glenn Hoddle sang White Lines…


Thus getting grandmaster flash mixed up with a European footballer

[rob1966]

My wife has just sworn to me that Glenn Hoddle sang White Lines…


Thus getting grandmaster flash mixed up with a European footballer

Getting her Diamond Whites and Lights mixed up?

[Crosby Nick]

My wife has just sworn to me that Glenn Hoddle sang White Lines…


Thus getting grandmaster flash mixed up with a European footballer

He didn’t sing it. He just had the Kenny G sax version of it playing in the background when he dropped Gazza from the World Cup squad.

My son told me that they were studying the Beatles in music at school. Saint Peppers Book Club apparently.

[Ray K]

My son told me that they were studying the Beatles in music at school. Saint Peppers Book Club apparently.

Which Paperback Writers are they reading this week?

[elsewhere]

My partner (who is Polish) asked me if I’d ever seen the film “The Quiet Lambies”.

I had no idea what she was on about until she Googled the DVD cover.

She meant “Silence of the Lambs”.

[afc tukrish]

My wife has just sworn to me that Glenn Hoddle sang White Lines…


Thus getting grandmaster flash mixed up with a European footballer

Flash had better first touch...