Author Topic: Advice Needed  (Read 1063 times)

Offline slaphead

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Advice Needed
« on: January 12, 2022, 11:33:02 am »
Sorry, couldn't find the thread I was looking for here but merge if needed. Need a bit of advice here if anyones been in the situation. Very long story condensed but, since my marriage broke up few years back I've been mostly single. Met a girl I really like locally, she really likes me. Chatting, planned to meet, didn't happen. Chatting away again, but something was holding her back I felt. Spoke with her last night. Turns out her ex was an abusive bastard. Physically and mentally. Told me she met a fella twice a while back and her ex smashed her car and tried to attack her.  Restraining orders are in place and she has alarms at home, but he will make her life hell basically if she's with someone else. Even though he's with someone else. She also told me he wouldn't have the balls to confront me because to the world he's a really nice fella. She says she understands if I want nothing to do with her now.
I do. Even more so now. I can't stand vile human's like that fella he sounds like nothing but a pathetic controlling prick who's threatened by women.  She wants to go out away from here where no one knows her or me. She says she doesn't want to hide but feels like she has to. I'm livid, because this is what scumbags like him do to women. Do I confront the fucker ? Or is that selfish and risk making things worse for her ?

Offline reddebs

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #1 on: January 12, 2022, 02:50:53 pm »
Tough one but I'd say no don't confront him as she seems to be dealing with the situation so far.

She's put all the safety measures in place that she can, although from experience the restraining orders don't mean diddly squat to his types.

Be mindful not to be over protective with her as that can come across as controlling behaviour too.

Hope things go well for you both but expect a few rocky moments to occur out of nowhere for no apparent reason.

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #2 on: January 12, 2022, 02:59:48 pm »
Have you asked her opinion on confronting him? Should probably be the first thing you do if you haven't already.
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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #3 on: January 12, 2022, 03:05:55 pm »
I'd check with her first, but my initial advice, unless you can literally get away with murder, is don't confront him, it'll only make it worse for her. You might even end up kicking shit out of him and then doing time, as his type will go crying to the bizzies about you.
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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #4 on: January 12, 2022, 03:09:07 pm »
Nah don't confront him. She likely doesn't want a "protector" going and doing that, as tempting as it can be.

Just reassure her you're OK with it and happy to go as slow as she needs it, even if that means keeping things on the down low for a while.

Offline slaphead

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #5 on: January 12, 2022, 04:13:21 pm »
Good advice thank you. I haven't asked her about it but you guys are probably right in what you are saying. And Debs I completely agree about the over protective thing that's a great point, that's the last thing I'd want to do. Makes me sick though what people do to other people. They have 2 kids too. She said he stopped hitting her when their daughter was born. Why ?  Realised that he was beating up someone's daughter maybe ? But thinks its ok to smash up her car now . Prick.  She's a beautiful girl, but doesn't see it, probably because of how she's been treated.

Offline reddebs

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #6 on: January 12, 2022, 05:08:50 pm »
Good advice thank you. I haven't asked her about it but you guys are probably right in what you are saying. And Debs I completely agree about the over protective thing that's a great point, that's the last thing I'd want to do. Makes me sick though what people do to other people. They have 2 kids too. She said he stopped hitting her when their daughter was born. Why ?  Realised that he was beating up someone's daughter maybe ? But thinks its ok to smash up her car now . Prick.  She's a beautiful girl, but doesn't see it, probably because of how she's been treated.

I've been there mate and from my experience she's lucky it had stopped though I doubt it would stay that way for very long, hence the inanimate violence. 

He's letting her know the threat's still there if she steps out of line.

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #7 on: January 12, 2022, 06:20:46 pm »
It's a very sensitive situation, and I think the advice offered so far is sound.

It would be easy to wade in with a few mates and kick the shit out of him, but that can be seen as making it more about you than it his her. Also, these types are basically cowards, and will hit back at the female in various underhand ways. Scratched cars, broken windows, character assassination, vile rumours etc...

Personally, I'd run everything to do with this situation past her. The last thing she needs is another male taking things into their hands and making decisions for her. Decisions that may well compound her problems further. By all means support her, and if she asks for opinion, then it's fine to give it, but she needs to take the lead on this.

This fella clearly has serious psychological problems. I imagine he is insecure and immature, thus controlling in order to try to claw some perception of power back in some way. People like that cannot accept rejection. I've seen it a million times, and so has my partner. She had a marriage that was similar. I've actually had a female partner who was physically and emotionally abusive too.

It seems this lady has a number of things in place to try to protect her, and I assume the police are aware too? Maybe it's best to let this scumbag hang himself with his own actions? The fella will relish anything that causes distress for this lady, so if you butt in then he could turn it around on you and get you into trouble. This causes further disruption in her life, thus makes him happy that he's got such influence.

He needs to feel like he still has a controlling stake in her life, so don't fall into the trap of giving him a stick to beat you (and indirectly, her) with by you being aggressive or even violent towards him. As I said, he's looking to hold any power and influence over this lady and her life as he can get. He'd love to report any partner/friend of hers to the police so he can look the innocent party whilst also relishing the fact he's messing with her life all the more. The clever, long game is probably the best approach.
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Offline AndyInVA

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #8 on: January 12, 2022, 06:27:56 pm »
I dated for years after a marriage and thought I heard everything. That never happened to me but my thoughts are :-

so far you only know one side of the story (some men and women in the dating world are fucking nuts)
I would probably want to talk to her about it face to face
it sounds like she is being really honest with you so far so if you don't want the drama then don't go into it
she may using this line so far to at least rule out people who are not in some way commited
you may not even like her when you meet her so why get all antsy about protecting someone when it may well not be your fight to have

just go ahead and have dinner with her in some out of the way restaurant

I live in a small town and would often have dinner with ladies in the next town over. It was just easier when we felt like we would not be running into people.

I dont see any reason to at least not see the lady

also, don't go anywhere near the ex on purpose. just let it play out, she seems to know the risks to take, if the guy gets argy with you then you will do whatever you do, if the guy is a dick to her because she is seeing you then just support her as much as you can and let that play out too.

I think if I was serious about a lady and her ex damaged some of her property, I think at some point I would seek him out and at least tell him that you are going to continue to see her and he needs to grow up. kicking the shit out of a coward will not help anyone

good luck
« Last Edit: January 12, 2022, 06:32:29 pm by AndyInVA »

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #9 on: January 12, 2022, 11:57:14 pm »
Nah don't confront him. She likely doesn't want a "protector" going and doing that, as tempting as it can be.

Just reassure her you're OK with it and happy to go as slow as she needs it, even if that means keeping things on the down low for a while.

That’s what I’d do. Go out with her where she’s comfortable, it sounds like very early days with her so see how things go and if you think the relationship has legs then discuss how to deal with her ex with her.
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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #10 on: January 13, 2022, 09:59:57 am »
Glad I asked the advice now thanks, some good stuff in here, very good. My next door neightbour went through this in the past too and a girl I train a lot with in the gym. 2 lovely ladies who are just getting back on track too. We're going out tomorrow night. I spoke with her last night in depth about it and she wants to go out the first time away from here . Then if it goes well just go where we want and in her words - fuck him, he's not in control anymore. 
She thinks he will do something when he finds out but she said she's not afraid of him anymore. I have to let her make that choice right ?  She's potentially putting herself in danger but standing up to a bully. You have to admire that. At some point in everyones life you have to stand up for what you believe in
She again said he wouldn't go near me, and for context even though its irrelevant, it would be a huge mistake on his part if he did :)  I just told her its her choice, I'll do whatever she's comfortable with and if she needs me I'm only 10 mins away
I've seen people like that before though. I know a fella just like him and actually a very similar situation , I wouldn't say I know him well, but from school days. He trained with us for a while and he spoke to me about how bad he felt about his past and what he did, about how its consumed his life now (he's not well now and he's in a bad place). I told him straight to his face that he was bang out of order and he ruined a girls life and he can't un do it but he can try to change and be a better person.
Anyway, nice to be able to chat to people on here about stuff like this it really is. I'm a smart man, I know how people work so I'll be one step ahead here all the time.

Offline reddebs

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #11 on: January 13, 2022, 10:07:30 am »
Best of luck mate you sound like one of the good guys so hope things work out for both of you 👍

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #12 on: January 13, 2022, 10:18:18 am »
Thank you Debs, and I'm not prying or sticking my nose in but hope all is ok with you

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #13 on: January 13, 2022, 10:42:39 am »
Thank you Debs, and I'm not prying or sticking my nose in but hope all is ok with you

Things are great now thanks mate but it's 30yrs ago since I was on the recieving end so everything bar the mental scars have heeled.

Offline Son of Spion

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #14 on: January 13, 2022, 11:28:10 am »
You're a good man, Slaphead. I hope your night out together goes well.

It sounds like this lovely lady is taking the power back, and you sound like just the kind of man to have at her side as she does so. I hope it works out so well for both of you.
The light that burns twice as bright, burns half as long, and you've burned so very, very brightly, Jürgen.

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #15 on: January 13, 2022, 11:30:02 am »
Things are great now thanks mate but it's 30yrs ago since I was on the recieving end so everything bar the mental scars have heeled.

They never heal do they. You sound like a wonderful woman fair play to you

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #16 on: January 13, 2022, 11:34:04 am »
You're a good man, Slaphead. I hope your night out together goes well.

It sounds like this lovely lady is taking the power back, and you sound like just the kind of man to have at her side as she does so. I hope it works out so well for both of you.

Thank you mate, you too. We've had one or 2 great conversations on football matters so its powerful to talk about non football stuff. I mean me and you like not me and her ! Hope so, early days but she's the first one I've really taken a keen interest in in quite a while. I may be a baldy git but I have principles and morals and I'll stand up for them  :)

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #17 on: January 13, 2022, 11:58:24 am »
My missus had the same thing. And he sounded the same. Heard he was going to 'sort me out'

Never turned up, but if he had then I can't say I was all that arsed if he had. I think he would have been having a 'bad day'. Even if I did know who he was and recognised him then I wouldn't have confronted him. If he jumped me and then had a bad time of it, then he's jumped me and I'm defending myself.

But.

He never turned up. Seems that I used to go to the same boozer as him as well, but wouldn't have known him if I'd fallen over him.

Been with her nigh on 30 years now. Happy days :)
« Last Edit: January 13, 2022, 12:00:50 pm by Andy @ Allerton! »
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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #18 on: January 13, 2022, 12:08:03 pm »
Thank you mate, you too. We've had one or 2 great conversations on football matters so its powerful to talk about non football stuff. I mean me and you like not me and her ! Hope so, early days but she's the first one I've really taken a keen interest in in quite a while. I may be a baldy git but I have principles and morals and I'll stand up for them  :)
Yes, RAWK is a football forum, but it's also a whole lot more than that. We've all got our life stories, and it's quite the privilege at times to be able to go deeper than the football and talk about those stories. I like the fact there's a lot of mutual support here for each other.

Let us know how you get on, Slap. As I said earlier, you're a good, considerate man. All the best to you and this lovely lady.
The light that burns twice as bright, burns half as long, and you've burned so very, very brightly, Jürgen.

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #19 on: January 13, 2022, 12:43:08 pm »
So your answer to her having a ton of violence in her life is.... violence.

Think on that for a second.

Think of what type of person you're showing yourself to be, to her.

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #20 on: January 13, 2022, 12:50:37 pm »
So your answer to her having a ton of violence in her life is.... violence.

I don't think he implied that in the slightest.
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Offline Chakan

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #21 on: January 13, 2022, 12:52:11 pm »
I don't think he implied that in the slightest.

Maybe I took the word confront to mean violence, if i'm wrong then I apoliogize.

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #22 on: January 13, 2022, 12:52:41 pm »
I don't think he implied that in the slightest.

TBF this line did give me the implication of violence. Not that I'd have an issue with that, I know my GF had issues with an ex 3 or 4 years before she met me and if I met him now I'd like want to smack him.

Do I confront the fucker ?

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #23 on: January 13, 2022, 12:57:40 pm »
I took it as have a word with him and tell him to do one rather than kick his fuck in  :D
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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #24 on: January 13, 2022, 01:01:44 pm »
You've done the right thing asking Slaphead, taking the trouble to ask A, shows a lot courage and B, that you genuinely want to do the best thing by this woman, fair play to you.

My mum was abused by my dad when I was very young, he used to give her a crack and terrorise the house by phoning up or smashing windows. Some men are absolute shithouses, cowards and bullies, but thankfully there is a lot more who decent, caring and sound lads.

My advice is pretty much what the majority have said, don't confront him as tempting as it may seem. Give the fooker enough rope and he'll hang himself and then the law can do the job and lock him.
Try and be as open and honest as possible with the woman, without being over-bearing (sorry if this comes across as condescending pal, I don't mean it to), give her the space when she needs it, but also be there when she needs you.

Sounds like you're defo on the right tracks though mate, hope it all goes well for you.  ;)
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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #25 on: January 13, 2022, 01:07:16 pm »
They never heal do they. You sound like a wonderful woman fair play to you

No they don't mate. 

I still struggle to be in the same room as him for family events and still can't refer to him by his name.

I'm sure you'll help her through this and as you know there's loads of helpful advice on here if you're ever unsure of how to handle anything that crops up ☺️

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #26 on: January 13, 2022, 01:59:54 pm »
So your answer to her having a ton of violence in her life is.... violence.

Think on that for a second.

Think of what type of person you're showing yourself to be, to her.

I didn't mean violence at all.  I've never been violent in my life, I'm not going to start now.

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #27 on: January 13, 2022, 02:02:57 pm »
I didn't mean violence at all.  I've never been violent in my life, I'm not going to start now.

Alright fair enough, my mistake.

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #28 on: January 13, 2022, 02:11:03 pm »
You've done the right thing asking Slaphead, taking the trouble to ask A, shows a lot courage and B, that you genuinely want to do the best thing by this woman, fair play to you.

My mum was abused by my dad when I was very young, he used to give her a crack and terrorise the house by phoning up or smashing windows. Some men are absolute shithouses, cowards and bullies, but thankfully there is a lot more who decent, caring and sound lads.

My advice is pretty much what the majority have said, don't confront him as tempting as it may seem. Give the fooker enough rope and he'll hang himself and then the law can do the job and lock him.
Try and be as open and honest as possible with the woman, without being over-bearing (sorry if this comes across as condescending pal, I don't mean it to), give her the space when she needs it, but also be there when she needs you.

Sounds like you're defo on the right tracks though mate, hope it all goes well for you.  ;)

It's not condescending in the slightest mate its sound advice. It's not that its nice to hear from people who have experienced it because its not a nice thing, but its much appreciated, thank you

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #29 on: January 13, 2022, 02:11:27 pm »
Alright fair enough, my mistake.

Not a problem at all mate

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #30 on: January 13, 2022, 02:16:05 pm »
No they don't mate. 

I still struggle to be in the same room as him for family events and still can't refer to him by his name.

I'm sure you'll help her through this and as you know there's loads of helpful advice on here if you're ever unsure of how to handle anything that crops up ☺️

I can imagine. I'll bet you though you're a far stronger person than he is Debs. At the end of the day people like that are weak and masking it. There's only 1 person who should be hanging their heads in shame.

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #31 on: January 13, 2022, 02:39:03 pm »
Yes, RAWK is a football forum, but it's also a whole lot more than that. We've all got our life stories, and it's quite the privilege at times to be able to go deeper than the football and talk about those stories. I like the fact there's a lot of mutual support here for each other.

Let us know how you get on, Slap. As I said earlier, you're a good, considerate man. All the best to you and this lovely lady.
Easy to forget that at times but you're completely right. I went through something major few years back and I found good support on here completely unexpectedly from a load of people. Chopper, Craig and Cowtownred (God rest his soul) among others gave me some great words of support that were invaluable.
Thank you SOS, I certainly will. Still think she's way out of my league but I'm not complaining haha
« Last Edit: January 13, 2022, 02:42:19 pm by slaphead »

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #32 on: January 13, 2022, 03:15:09 pm »
I can imagine. I'll bet you though you're a far stronger person than he is Debs. At the end of the day people like that are weak and masking it. There's only 1 person who should be hanging their heads in shame.

I don't take any shit that's for sure mate but that's also how I was before I met him so I just went back to being me really.

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #33 on: January 13, 2022, 03:22:58 pm »
I don't take any shit that's for sure mate but that's also how I was before I met him so I just went back to being me really.

Class. The world needs more like you Debs  :)

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #34 on: January 13, 2022, 06:10:39 pm »
I dated for years after a marriage and thought I heard everything. That never happened to me but my thoughts are :-

so far you only know one side of the story (some men and women in the dating world are fucking nuts)
I would probably want to talk to her about it face to face
it sounds like she is being really honest with you so far so if you don't want the drama then don't go into it
she may using this line so far to at least rule out people who are not in some way commited
you may not even like her when you meet her so why get all antsy about protecting someone when it may well not be your fight to have

just go ahead and have dinner with her in some out of the way restaurant

I live in a small town and would often have dinner with ladies in the next town over. It was just easier when we felt like we would not be running into people.

I dont see any reason to at least not see the lady

also, don't go anywhere near the ex on purpose. just let it play out, she seems to know the risks to take, if the guy gets argy with you then you will do whatever you do, if the guy is a dick to her because she is seeing you then just support her as much as you can and let that play out too.

I think if I was serious about a lady and her ex damaged some of her property, I think at some point I would seek him out and at least tell him that you are going to continue to see her and he needs to grow up. kicking the shit out of a coward will not help anyone

good luck

Just listen to this guy, Rawk's voice of reason