Author Topic: Jokes so bad they're punny  (Read 669564 times)

Offline Andy @ Allerton!

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #160 on: May 17, 2016, 12:13:45 pm »
Lassie walked into a pub with a melon on her head.

The Bartender said "You look a bit sad"
Quote from: tubby on Today at 12:45:53 pm

They both went in high, that's factually correct, both tried to play the ball at height.  Doku with his foot, Mac Allister with his chest.

Offline Millie

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #161 on: May 17, 2016, 12:24:36 pm »
Lassie walked into a pub with a melon on her head.

The Bartender said "You look a bit sad"

haha - took me a few seconds
"If you can't say anything nice, don't say nothing at all"  Thumper (1942)

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Offline tubby

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #162 on: May 17, 2016, 01:22:38 pm »
I don't get it, someone explain pls.
Sit down, shock is better taken with bent knees.

Offline Walshy nMe®

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #163 on: May 17, 2016, 02:11:37 pm »
I don't get it, someone explain pls.

Melon, Collie.
Melancholy

Offline tubby

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #164 on: May 17, 2016, 02:37:56 pm »
Christ, wish I hadn't asked now.
Sit down, shock is better taken with bent knees.

Offline Andy @ Allerton!

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #165 on: May 17, 2016, 04:03:02 pm »
Christ, wish I hadn't asked now.

:D
Quote from: tubby on Today at 12:45:53 pm

They both went in high, that's factually correct, both tried to play the ball at height.  Doku with his foot, Mac Allister with his chest.

Offline Elzar

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #166 on: June 5, 2016, 12:33:49 am »
A man from Liverpool, England was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Native American man sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face.
"Who's he?" asked the Liverpudlian.
"That's the Memory Man." said the bartender. "He knows everything, remembers everything. He can remember every face he's ever seen. He can remember any fact he hears or reads. Go and try him out."
So the Liverpudlian goes over, and thinking he won't know about English football, asks "Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?".
"Liverpool" replies the Memory Man.
"Who did they beat?"
"Leeds" was the instant reply.
"And the score?"
"2-1."
"Who scored the winning goal?"
"Ian St. John" said the old man, without a hint of hesitation.
The Liverpudlian was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man when he got back.
A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Native American, only this time he was older and even more wrinkled.
The Liverpudlian approached him with the classic greeting "How".
The Memory man looked up and said, "Diving header in the six yard box".
We already have shit in the country, and the game of Liverpool fills life with joy. Thanks

Offline nuts100

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #167 on: June 5, 2016, 06:39:34 am »
Bear and a rabbit are having a shit in the woods
Bear turns to the rabbit and asks, hey mr rabbit - do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur.

Rabbit says, no mr bear

So the bear wipes his arse with the rabbit

Offline Groundskeeper Willie

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #168 on: June 7, 2016, 11:39:37 am »
Hur vet man att en bil är från Polen?

PÅ LACKEN!
Love Ren & Stimpy

Offline Groundskeeper Willie

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #169 on: June 7, 2016, 11:41:07 am »
Hur vet man att en bil är från Spanien?

Växellådan är manuell.
Love Ren & Stimpy

Offline the good half

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #170 on: June 7, 2016, 12:11:41 pm »
Hur vet man att en bil är från Polen?

PÅ LACKEN!
The old ones are the best, in fairness.

Offline damomad

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #171 on: June 7, 2016, 12:12:50 pm »
Lassie walked into a pub with a melon on her head.

The Bartender said "You look a bit sad"

Melon, Collie.
Melancholy

I didn't get it at first and I really shouldn't like it but I do.


You're still the one pool where I'd happily drown

Offline RooiBefok

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #172 on: June 8, 2016, 02:03:36 pm »
A patient walks into the Doctor's room.

"Please be seated", says the Doc.

"Well Doc, that's precisely my problem.  Every time I sit down, I fart"

"Strange, then please sit in order that I may observe", suggests the Doc.

The patient sits down and lets off a growler.

"Please move over to the examination bed and sit down", the Doctor advises the patient.

The patient moves and sits on the side of the bed and lets off another ripper.

The doctor reaches under the bed and pulls out a long wooden pole with a brass hook on the end.

"Fucking Hell Doc!", stammers the wide-eyed patient. "What are you going to do with that?"

"Open some windows, it fucking stinks in here!"

“The 5th Benitle fell in love with himself eighteen years ago and has remained faithful ever since”

Offline Groundskeeper Willie

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #173 on: June 8, 2016, 02:19:02 pm »
A man walks in to a bar. He looks at the tariff that reads:

Pint of lager £3
Whisky £2
Pina Colada £4
Hand job £10

The man walks up to the bar where a stunning blonde is serving drinks.

"What can I do for you" asks the woman.

The man eyes her up and down and up again.

"Is it you who gives the hand jobs?"

The woman replies:

"Yes. Yes it is."

"Then wash your fucking hands and pour me a pint of lager."
Love Ren & Stimpy

Offline kennedy81

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #174 on: June 8, 2016, 09:03:38 pm »
I made this one up myself...  8)


What's Tiger Woods favourite sandwich?

Spoiler
A ham sand-wedge! LOL
[close]

Online TepidT2O

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #175 on: June 8, 2016, 09:08:33 pm »
My hydrogen 1s orbital's got no nose.

How does it smell?


Awful!

(One for the physical scientists amongst us there)
“Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.”
“Generosity always pays off. Generosity in your effort, in your work, in your kindness, in the way you look after people and take care of people. In the long run, if you are generous with a heart, and with humanity, it always pays off.”
W

Offline oldfordie

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #176 on: June 9, 2016, 11:04:19 am »

The England team visited an orphanage in France yesterday.

"It's heartbreaking to see their little faces with no hope" said Philippe age 6

It might take our producers five minutes to find 60 economists who feared Brexit and five hours to find a sole voice who espoused it.
“But by the time we went on air we simply had one of each; we presented this unequal effort to our audience as balance. It wasn’t.”
               Emily Maitlis

Offline Red Viper

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #177 on: June 9, 2016, 11:49:48 am »
A man walks in to a bar. He looks at the tariff that reads:

Pint of lager £3
Whisky £2
Pina Colada £4
Hand job £10

The man walks up to the bar where a stunning blonde is serving drinks.

"What can I do for you" asks the woman.

The man eyes her up and down and up again.

"Is it you who gives the hand jobs?"

The woman replies:

"Yes. Yes it is."

"Then wash your fucking hands and pour me a pint of lager."

Haha. That might be the first joke in this thread I've properly laughed at.

Offline Djimisdancingshoes

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #178 on: June 9, 2016, 01:56:05 pm »
Why did the Mexican guy throw his wife off a cliff?



Tequila

I can't be arsed to change my Tapatalk settings because my time is more important than yours


Offline Armless Joe Gambino

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #179 on: June 10, 2016, 01:53:19 am »
Hear about the guy who put a condom on backwards?

He went.
In my day everbody drank and smoked and nobody took drugs. . . . . .

Offline Greys0n

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #180 on: June 10, 2016, 12:11:08 pm »
Voldemort: Knock Knock.
Harry Potter: Who's There?
Voldemort: You Know.
Harry Potter: You Know Who?
Voldemort: Exactly!

Offline Jack the Red

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #181 on: June 10, 2016, 12:32:58 pm »
What do you call a cow in a field with nine udders?


Ten.

Offline slamjam

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #182 on: June 12, 2016, 11:45:53 pm »
I was walking past a cemetery the other day and saw a man drop to knees before a grave. He started to wail and cry, "Why? Why did you die? It's so unfair! I wish it was me instead!"
"I'm so sorry," I said, "was this your wife?"
"No," he said, "my wife's 1st husband."

Offline Greys0n

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #183 on: June 13, 2016, 11:29:19 am »
What's the difference between a snow man and a snow woman?
Snow balls!

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #184 on: June 13, 2016, 04:13:02 pm »
Haha. That might be the first joke in this thread I've properly laughed at.

Why? That's my local

Offline Henry Kissinger

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #185 on: June 21, 2016, 11:15:53 am »
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
"What's passive smoking? There's passive lots of things. Like passive listening to shitheads. I have to put up with that every day. Are you going to ban people from talking crap? They give me a headache. Believe me, they're killing me. One day people's conversations on the street will do me in." Terry Hall

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #186 on: June 21, 2016, 12:46:11 pm »
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Welshman, walk into a pub.




Scotland weren't in it
@ Veinticinco de Mayo The way you talk to other users on this forum is something you should be ashamed of as someone who is suppose to be representing the site.
Martin Kenneth Wild - Part of a family

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #187 on: June 22, 2016, 09:15:19 am »
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Welshman, walk into a pub.




Scotland weren't in it

:lmao
:D

Offline dudleyred

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #188 on: July 2, 2016, 10:10:09 pm »
I see corduroy pillows are making headlines again...

Offline terrible suits

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #189 on: July 2, 2016, 10:27:55 pm »
A man walks in to a bar. He looks at the tariff that reads:

Pint of lager £3
Whisky £2
Pina Colada £4
Hand job £10

The man walks up to the bar where a stunning blonde is serving drinks.

"What can I do for you" asks the woman.

The man eyes her up and down and up again.

"Is it you who gives the hand jobs?"

The woman replies:

"Yes. Yes it is."

"Then wash your fucking hands and pour me a pint of lager."

I guess she must be pretty stunning, if 10 pounds is enough to complete the order for a hand job.

Online TepidT2O

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #190 on: July 3, 2016, 08:24:41 am »
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Welshman, walk into a pub.


Then the Englishman decides to leave, so the others have to too.
« Last Edit: July 3, 2016, 09:51:16 am by Kinky Kenneth »
“Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.”
“Generosity always pays off. Generosity in your effort, in your work, in your kindness, in the way you look after people and take care of people. In the long run, if you are generous with a heart, and with humanity, it always pays off.”
W

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #191 on: July 3, 2016, 09:39:05 am »
An Englishman, Irishman, and a Welshman walk into a pub.

"Ouch"
"Ouch"
"Ouch"
We aren't walking through the storm now - we are the storm.

Offline riismeister

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #192 on: July 3, 2016, 03:58:01 pm »
Why wouldn't the shrimp share his treasure?






Because he was a little shellfish.

Offline 10 years on

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #193 on: July 5, 2016, 08:04:04 pm »
I asked my mother for the money to do a bungee jump...her response was "son you came into this world because of a broken rubber, I don't want you leaving the same way".

Online FlashingBlade

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #194 on: July 5, 2016, 08:26:17 pm »
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Welshman, walk into a pub.




Scotland weren't in it

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Welshman, walk into a pub.

The Scotsman comes in later points to the Englishman and pisses himself laughing , the Irishman and Welshman join in.

A European then walks in , points to the lot of them , starts laughing and buys a pint which is cheap due to the falling pound and his extremely good exchange rate for the Euro.

Yeah! Political on your ass!!

Offline Fitzy.

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #195 on: July 5, 2016, 08:32:59 pm »
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Welshman, walk into a pub.

The Scotsman comes in later points to the Englishman and pisses himself laughing , the Irishman and Welshman join in.

A European then walks in , points to the lot of them , starts laughing and buys a pint which is cheap due to the falling pound and his extremely good exchange rate for the Euro.

Yeah! Political on your ass!!
Is the Irishman the European?

Online FlashingBlade

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #196 on: July 5, 2016, 08:43:02 pm »
Is the Irishman the European?


Im going with Northern Ireland, though  I see your point...but never let the facts get in the way of a good story...or joke...even it its not that good!...

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #197 on: July 5, 2016, 08:57:47 pm »
Im going with Northern Ireland, though  I see your point...but never let the facts get in the way of a good story...or joke...even it its not that good!...

What about us Northern Irish men that voted to remain. Do we laugh too or do we cry because the other ones in the bar fucked us over  :o
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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #198 on: July 5, 2016, 09:03:24 pm »
What about us Northern Irish men that voted to remain. Do we laugh too or do we cry because the other ones in the bar fucked us over  :o

It all ended in a fight with the Irish ( north and south ) Welsh and Scotsman chasing the Englishman out the pub and being bought drinks by the European thanks to his wealth courtesy of the Euro ....with the Irishman doing a nice little side line in Passports in the toilets.

...and before anyone mentions it the Welshman stayed 'cos their fans sang 'you can stick Brexit up your arse'
« Last Edit: July 5, 2016, 09:05:00 pm by FlashingBlade »

Offline capt k

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #199 on: July 6, 2016, 05:31:14 am »
Why did the toadstool get invited to the party??
He was a Fungi.

Why was he asked to leave,?
he took up two mushroom
JFT 96