Author Topic: Jokes so bad they're punny (Read 669986 times)

liversaint · « **Reply #4360 on:** March 26, 2020, 01:31:48 pm »

A psychiatrist was conducting a therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mum. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

The third got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go.

Tesco tearaway · « **Reply #4361 on:** March 26, 2020, 02:22:45 pm »

Quote from: Medellin on March 26, 2020, 10:14:23 am

Alan276 · « **Reply #4362 on:** March 26, 2020, 02:51:15 pm »

Quote from: liversaint on March 26, 2020, 01:31:48 pm

A psychiatrist was conducting a therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mum. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

The third got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go.

M(oaning) B(ecomes) E(mbarrassing) · « **Reply #4363 on:** March 26, 2020, 06:51:28 pm »

I didn't realise my girlfriend could do such a brilliant Darth Vader impression.

Although, I don't recall Darth Vader ever saying "Please... give me back... my inhaler."

24/7 · « **Reply #4364 on:** March 26, 2020, 07:27:48 pm »

First person to use a Dyson ventilator has started to pick up.

Big Red Richie · « **Reply #4365 on:** March 26, 2020, 07:53:52 pm »

That sucks.

M(oaning) B(ecomes) E(mbarrassing) · « **Reply #4366 on:** March 26, 2020, 10:08:12 pm »

I only put the bins out earlier and got a huge round of applause. I wasn't expecting that!

M(oaning) B(ecomes) E(mbarrassing) · « **Reply #4367 on:** March 27, 2020, 12:03:30 pm »

Some tough fixtures coming up for Enya Rugby Club ...

Sale (A)
Sale (A)
Sale (A)

24/7 · « **Reply #4368 on:** March 27, 2020, 12:21:41 pm »

Quote from: MBE on March 27, 2020, 12:03:30 pm

Some tough fixtures coming up for Enya Rugby Club ...

Sale (A)
Sale (A)
Sale (A)

Crosby Nick · « **Reply #4369 on:** March 27, 2020, 12:39:22 pm »

Haha yerse!

liverbloke · « **Reply #4370 on:** March 27, 2020, 12:49:34 pm »

Just got a book all about Déjà vu - swear I've read it before

liversaint · « **Reply #4371 on:** March 27, 2020, 12:52:31 pm »

A lorry carrying a trailer of Vicks vapour rub has crashed on the M62. Police say there will be no congestion for six hours.

liversaint · « **Reply #4372 on:** March 27, 2020, 02:25:03 pm »

If anyone gets an email saying that tinned meat can give you coronavirus...

...just delete it! It's probably just spam.

Medellin · « **Reply #4373 on:** March 27, 2020, 03:19:03 pm »

Enya!

I have ranked the greatest musicians of all time in order:
Nelly

Erika Badu

Vanilla Ice

Eminem

Rhianna

Green Day

Oasis

Nirvana

Nine inch Nails

Aerosmith

George Strait

Ilene Woods

Vince Gill

Enya

Yoko ono

Otis Redding

U2

Uncle Kracker

Pappa Roach

It is okay if you disagree just let me know, but first read the first letter of each line only.

Medellin · « **Reply #4374 on:** March 27, 2020, 03:24:19 pm »

I like to brag that after 29 Years of marriage, I still have sex with my wife almost every day!

Almost on Monday

Almost on Tuesday

Almost on Wednesday

Almost on Thursday

Almost on Friday

Almost on Saturday

Almost on Sunday!

Son of Spion · « **Reply #4375 on:** March 27, 2020, 03:44:12 pm »

^
Bloody hell, even your posts are socially distancing now.

Lee1-6Liv · « **Reply #4376 on:** March 27, 2020, 03:50:51 pm »

I think Medellin should isolate and save us from his jokes

soxfan · « **Reply #4377 on:** March 27, 2020, 03:58:14 pm »

Teacher: Kids, what does a clucking chicken give you?

Mary: Eggs!

Teacher: Very good, now what does the messy pig give you?

Susan: Bacon!

Teacher: Excellent, now what does the fat cow give you?

Little Johnny: Homework!

The Bournemouth Red · « **Reply #4378 on:** March 27, 2020, 04:48:09 pm »

Just seen Paul out of The Chuckle Brothers in Tesco.

"Oi" I said "Two metre you".

24/7 · « **Reply #4379 on:** March 27, 2020, 05:36:35 pm »

Quote from: The Bournemouth Red on March 27, 2020, 04:48:09 pm

Just seen Paul out of The Chuckle Brothers in Tesco.

"Oi" I said "Two metre you".

Medellin · « **Reply #4380 on:** March 27, 2020, 05:42:48 pm »

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very,
very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"

M(oaning) B(ecomes) E(mbarrassing) · « **Reply #4381 on:** March 27, 2020, 07:02:41 pm »

Crystal ball for sale, £50 but you will haggle me down to £32.

oldfordie · « **Reply #4382 on:** March 27, 2020, 10:00:13 pm »

I used to cough to hide my farts, now I fart to hide my cough.

bradders1011 · « **Reply #4383 on:** March 28, 2020, 12:38:35 am »

I'm going out with a girl who has a twin.

How can you tell them apart?

She has red hair and he's got a cock.

M(oaning) B(ecomes) E(mbarrassing) · « **Reply #4384 on:** March 28, 2020, 06:47:47 am »

The only way to pull off a lockdown afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
'There's a car being towed from the car park,' he shouted.
'An ambulance just drove by!'
'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.
'Matt's out on his bike and his mum is telling him off'
'Looks as if the Sanders are going into full isolation!'
'Jason has had his skate board taken off him
After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!'
Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!
Dad cautiously called out,
'How do you know they're having sex?'
'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar'.

jason67 · « **Reply #4385 on:** March 28, 2020, 06:51:27 am »

Quote from: bradders1011 on March 28, 2020, 12:38:35 am

I'm going out with a girl who has a twin.

How can you tell them apart?

She has red hair and he's got a cock.

planet-terror · « **Reply #4386 on:** March 28, 2020, 08:49:53 am »

Quote from: The Bournemouth Red on March 27, 2020, 04:48:09 pm

Just seen Paul out of The Chuckle Brothers in Tesco.

"Oi" I said "Two metre you".

[emoji4][emoji4]

M(oaning) B(ecomes) E(mbarrassing) · « **Reply #4387 on:** March 28, 2020, 06:24:03 pm »

Don't forget the clocks go forward tonight. You don't want to be late getting up to sit in your living room all day tomorrow.

John C · « **Reply #4388 on:** March 28, 2020, 08:17:18 pm »

Quote from: The Bournemouth Red on March 27, 2020, 04:48:09 pm

Just seen Paul out of The Chuckle Brothers in Tesco.

"Oi" I said "Two metre you".

Magnificent

24/7 · « **Reply #4389 on:** March 28, 2020, 08:28:54 pm »

Quote from: bradders1011 on March 28, 2020, 12:38:35 am

I'm going out with a girl who has a twin.

How can you tell them apart?

She has red hair and he's got a cock.

That's a fuckin belter

jason67 · « **Reply #4390 on:** March 28, 2020, 08:50:21 pm »

Quote from: 24/50 geek! on March 28, 2020, 08:28:54 pm

That's a fuckin belter

Cracker isn't it, pissed myself for a while reading that.

sinnermichael · « **Reply #4391 on:** March 28, 2020, 09:18:02 pm »

I'm always frank with my sexual partners.

Don't want them knowing my real name, do I?

sinnermichael · « **Reply #4392 on:** March 28, 2020, 09:19:02 pm »

When 3 people have sex, it's a threesome. When 2 people have sex, it's a twosome.

Now I understand why they call me handsome.

24/7 · « **Reply #4393 on:** March 28, 2020, 09:30:58 pm »

Apparently the clocks go forward tonight but I still don't have a clue whom to give mine to..... $:-\$

Medellin · « **Reply #4394 on:** March 29, 2020, 11:53:00 am »

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England and asked her..
"Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government"?
"Are there any tips you can give me"?

"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around you are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson in here, would you?"

The Prime Minster walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this, if you would, Boris. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, he answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

Trump went back home to ask Mike Pence the same question. “ Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Pence. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.

Finally, Pence ran in to his friend Jack Murphy in a restaurant the next night. Pence asked, "Jack, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Jack Murphy answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!"

Pence smiled, and said, "Thanks!"

Pence then went back to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle: It's my friend Jack Murphy!"

Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled, "No, you idiot! It's Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson!"

sinnermichael · « **Reply #4395 on:** March 29, 2020, 12:06:27 pm »

Been a while since I've been in a bank with a mask and gloves.

Now it's legal.

soxfan · « **Reply #4396 on:** March 29, 2020, 03:50:58 pm »

Quote from: sinnermichael on March 28, 2020, 09:19:02 pm

When 3 people have sex, it's a threesome. When 2 people have sex, it's a twosome.

Now I understand why they call me handsome.

soxfan · « **Reply #4397 on:** March 29, 2020, 03:53:43 pm »

My girlfriend got angry and threw some extra-strength Omega 3 capsules at me today.

It’s okay though, I only have super fish oil injuries.

LanceLink!!!!! · « **Reply #4398 on:** March 29, 2020, 08:24:07 pm »

Quote from: soxfan on March 29, 2020, 03:53:43 pm

My girlfriend got angry and threw some extra-strength Omega 3 capsules at me today.

It’s okay though, I only have super fish oil injuries.

hixxstar · « **Reply #4399 on:** March 29, 2020, 08:52:16 pm »

Can we have a shower yet ? ..... or do we just keep on washing our hands..