Author Topic: Jokes so bad they're punny (Read 671354 times)

AndyInVA · « **Reply #2800 on:** May 3, 2019, 01:55:55 pm »

from somewhere else but made me smile

Fun fact! While the Enigma Machine codes were cracked by Alan Turing, the tea and sandwiches were provided by his sister, Kay..

Medellin · « **Reply #2801 on:** May 3, 2019, 09:45:30 pm »

I went to a a French Zoo the other day..

There was a baguette in a cage, so I asked the keeper what that was about and apparently it was bred in captivity.

Cheers rothers!

Medellin · « **Reply #2802 on:** May 4, 2019, 10:10:47 am »

The South Carolina Dept of Transportation found over 200 dead crows on highways recently, and there was a concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars. The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"

Fuckoff!

Sarge · « **Reply #2803 on:** May 4, 2019, 05:52:52 pm »

I was talking to this tall, Swedish blonde earlier today.

A really nice guy......

24/7 · « **Reply #2804 on:** May 4, 2019, 05:55:50 pm »

Medellin · « **Reply #2805 on:** May 5, 2019, 11:27:18 am »

Englishman: "That your dog?"

Welshman: "Aye"

Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'

Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”

Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doing all right."

Welshman: (look of shock)

Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the Welshman)

Dog: "Yep."

Englishman: How's he treating you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a week to play."

Welshman: (Look of total disbelief!)

Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Welshman: "Horse don't talk.”

Englishman: "Hey horse how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Welshman: (Extreme look of shock!)

Englishman: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Welshman)

Horse: "Yep."

Englishman: "How's he treating you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a nice stable to protect me from the weather."

Welshman: (Look of total amazement!)

Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?”

Welshman: "That sheep is a fucking liar!’

*should really have edited Welshman for Evertonian.

Perham · « **Reply #2806 on:** May 5, 2019, 05:26:42 pm »

Quote from: Medellin on May 5, 2019, 11:27:18 am

Englishman: "That your dog?"

Welshman: "Aye"

Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'

Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”

Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doing all right."

Welshman: (look of shock)

Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the Welshman)

Dog: "Yep."

Englishman: How's he treating you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a week to play."

Welshman: (Look of total disbelief!)

Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Welshman: "Horse don't talk.”

Englishman: "Hey horse how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Welshman: (Extreme look of shock!)

Englishman: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Welshman)

Horse: "Yep."

Englishman: "How's he treating you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a nice stable to protect me from the weather."

Welshman: (Look of total amazement!)

Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?”

Welshman: "That sheep is a fucking liar!’

*should really have edited Welshman for Evertonian.

Slightly Less Mediocre Baron Bennekov · « **Reply #2807 on:** May 6, 2019, 07:20:19 am »

Quote from: Medellin on May 5, 2019, 11:27:18 am

SNIP

Medellin · « **Reply #2808 on:** May 6, 2019, 12:52:45 pm »

A backpacker is traveling through the north west of England when it starts to rain. He decides to wait out the storm in a nearby pub,the Royal Oak. The only other person at the bar is an Evertonian staring at his drink. After a few moments of silence the man turns to the backpacker and says in a thick Welsh accent:

"You see this bar? I built this bar with my own bare hands. I cut down every tree and made the lumber myself. I toiled away through the wind and cold, but do they call me Dai Davies the bar builder? No."

He continued "Do you see that stone wall out there? I built that wall with my own bare hands. I found every stone and placed them just right through the rain and the mud, but do they call me Dai Davies the wall builder? No."

"Do ya see that wooden stadium up there? I built that stadium with my own bare hands, built so well that it would last a lifetime. Do they call me Dai Davies the wooden stadium builder? No."

"But ya fuck one sheep.."

Slightly Less Mediocre Baron Bennekov · « **Reply #2809 on:** May 6, 2019, 01:03:56 pm »

I'm seeing a pattern here, Medellin...

Medellin · « **Reply #2810 on:** May 6, 2019, 01:07:13 pm »

Quote from: Mediocre Baron Bennekov on May 6, 2019, 01:03:56 pm

I'm seeing a pattern here, Medellin...

Liar!

afc tukrish · « **Reply #2811 on:** May 6, 2019, 01:10:39 pm »

Quote from: Mediocre Baron Bennekov on May 6, 2019, 01:03:56 pm

I'm seeing a pattern here, Medellin...

Baaaaaaad joke...

Fitzy. · « **Reply #2812 on:** May 6, 2019, 09:15:47 pm »

Quote from: sinnermichael on May 2, 2019, 07:13:13 pm

David Beckham is 44 today. Him and Victoria have stuck together through thick and thin. And all the other nicknames they've been called.

Ha

soxfan · « **Reply #2813 on:** May 7, 2019, 12:32:42 am »

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die."

"Ok, what do I need to do?" said the wife.

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. Prepare an especially nice dinner for him too. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Bite your tongue & do not nag him. Most importantly, have sex as often as he desires and provide any special sexual requests he yearns for. If you can do these things for the next year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

When the wife sat back down next to her husband in the waiting room, he anxiously asked "What did the doctor say??"

His wife looked into his eyes, held his hand & said "The doctor told me you're going to die."

Slightly Less Mediocre Baron Bennekov · « **Reply #2814 on:** May 7, 2019, 07:48:42 am »

Quote from: soxfan on May 7, 2019, 12:32:42 am

SNIP

simpleman · « **Reply #2815 on:** May 7, 2019, 07:58:33 am »

One of my next-door neighbors is a 90-year-old man suffering from Alzheimer’s. Every single morning at 9 a.m. he knocks on my door and he asks me if I have seen his wife. Which means that every single morning at 9 a.m. I have to explain to a 90-year-old man suffering from Alzheimer’s that his wife has been dead for quite some time. Now, I’ve thought about moving. I’ve thought about not answering my door in the morning. But to be honest, it’s worth it just to see the smile on his face.

- From Anthony Jeselnik’s Netflix Special Fire in the Maternity Ward

sinnermichael · « **Reply #2816 on:** May 7, 2019, 11:42:14 am »

The man who invented the strobe light died today. Hi fu er l w ll ta e pl ce ne t w ek at 2: 5 m.

Medellin · « **Reply #2817 on:** May 7, 2019, 12:54:11 pm »

Old lady says to her hubby.."My nipples are as hot today as they were 50 years ago"!

Hubby replies "They ought to be, one is in your coffee & the other is in your porridge"!

24/7 · « **Reply #2818 on:** May 7, 2019, 10:48:59 pm »

I really hope Ajax win tomorrow so we can.....wipe the floor.....with them in Madrid.....🤩👋

(ohfuckoff

)

24/7 · « **Reply #2819 on:** May 8, 2019, 02:45:51 pm »

What was the point of Barcelona even travelling to Liverpool this week? It was all for nothing in the end.....

24/7 · « **Reply #2820 on:** May 8, 2019, 02:46:24 pm »

Some Barcelona fans got lost in Liverpool last night (a bit like their team) - their tour guide had told them to meet at Trent's Corner but nobody could see it.

sinnermichael · « **Reply #2821 on:** May 10, 2019, 05:01:47 pm »

Just bought a rare Prince CD on Ebay for 20 pounds. So chuffed that I think I'm gonna party like it was £19.99.

Kenny's Jacket · « **Reply #2822 on:** May 10, 2019, 07:14:08 pm »

Quote from: 24/7 on May 8, 2019, 02:46:24 pm

Some Barcelona fans got lost in Liverpool last night (a bit like their team) - their tour guide had told them to meet at Trent's Corner but nobody could see it.

soxfan · « **Reply #2823 on:** May 10, 2019, 08:29:25 pm »

A man walked into his backyard one morning and found there was a gorilla in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun.

"Now listen carefully," he told the homeowner, "I'm going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The Chihuahua is trained to tear his balls off with his teeth, so when the gorilla instinctively crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap the handcuffs on."

"Ok, got it." the homeowner replied. "But what's that shotgun for?"

"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla," the man said, "shoot the Chihuahua."

soxfan · « **Reply #2824 on:** May 10, 2019, 08:36:10 pm »

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog.

The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?"

The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"

The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says.

"Thanks mister" says the little girl.

The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles.

"Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."

The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!'

afc tukrish · « **Reply #2825 on:** May 10, 2019, 10:48:53 pm »

Last two jokes from Soxfan took a lot of balls...

soxfan · « **Reply #2826 on:** May 11, 2019, 03:53:36 am »

Quote from: afc turkish on May 10, 2019, 10:48:53 pm

Last two jokes from Soxfan took a lot of balls...

I wasn't planning on two testicle jokes, but they were the best jokes I found today at random.

24/7 · « **Reply #2827 on:** May 11, 2019, 10:24:02 am »

Quote from: soxfan on May 11, 2019, 03:53:36 am

I wasn't planning on two testicle jokes, but they were the best jokes I found today at random.

Could have added a third but that would be freakish.

On the other hand, if you'd tried them out on n friends first, would they be called 'testies'?

soxfan · « **Reply #2828 on:** May 11, 2019, 02:22:13 pm »

Quote from: 24/7 on May 11, 2019, 10:24:02 am

Could have added a third but that would be freakish.

On the other hand, if you'd tried them out on n friends first, would they be called 'testies'?

I offered my balls to friends once, but I was young and quite drunk. In psychological parlance this is called an experimentestes. We shall not speak of this again.

BlackandWhitePaul · « **Reply #2829 on:** May 12, 2019, 07:25:31 pm »

Just Imagine a hand wash basin knocked at your front door..........
.
.
.
.

Let that sink in.

24/7 · « **Reply #2830 on:** May 12, 2019, 08:36:13 pm »

Quote from: soxfan on May 11, 2019, 02:22:13 pm

I offered my balls to friends once, but I was young and quite drunk. In psychological parlance this is called an experimentestes. We shall not speak of this again.

Immortalised, my friend, immortalised.

afc tukrish · « **Reply #2831 on:** May 12, 2019, 09:03:32 pm »

Quote from: 24/7 on May 12, 2019, 08:36:13 pm

Immortalised, my friend, immortalised.

At great length?

24/7 · « **Reply #2832 on:** May 12, 2019, 09:08:03 pm »

Quote from: afc turkish on May 12, 2019, 09:03:32 pm

At great length?

In four words.

Tesco tearaway · « **Reply #2833 on:** May 12, 2019, 09:30:18 pm »

Quote from: soxfan on May 11, 2019, 02:22:13 pm

I offered my balls to friends once, but I was young and quite drunk. In psychological parlance this is called an experimentestes. We shall not speak of this again.

Your friend couldn't take your balls; he would have got the sack.