Author Topic: Jokes so bad they're punny (Read 671531 times)

At a recent job interview I was asked if I could perform under pressure.

I said I didn't know that one but I could have a fair crack at Bohemian Rhapsody.

bradders1011 · « **Reply #2568 on:** March 13, 2019, 12:03:31 pm »

Quote from: John C on March 9, 2019, 07:42:15 pm

Do you think glass coffins will ever be invented?

Remains to be see.

Yer a good lad Peter

BlackandWhitePaul · « **Reply #2569 on:** March 13, 2019, 02:16:35 pm »

Quote from: sinnermichael on March 13, 2019, 11:47:00 am

At a recent job interview I was asked if I could perform under pressure.

I said I didn't know that one but I could have a fair crack at Bohemian Rhapsody.

Another one bites the dust

hixxstar · « **Reply #2570 on:** March 13, 2019, 08:59:07 pm »

I hear Craig David has finally retired from Music...
He is now working for our Olympic Archery Team...

He's their Bow Selector .....

... an oldie, but funny....

blert596 · « **Reply #2571 on:** March 13, 2019, 11:38:49 pm »

Quote from: sinnermichael on March 13, 2019, 11:47:00 am

At a recent job interview I was asked if I could perform under pressure.

I said I didn't know that one but I could have a fair crack at Bohemian Rhapsody.

At a recent job interview I was asked for one of my best attributes. I said I perform under pressure.

They said can you give us an example?

I took a deep breath... "dum dum dum du du dum dum, dum dum dum du du dum dum…."

sinnermichael · « **Reply #2572 on:** March 14, 2019, 10:03:21 am »

Steak and Blowjob Day. The day where men prefer well done over rare.

24/7 · « **Reply #2573 on:** March 14, 2019, 10:12:28 am »

So I was in a job interview last week and the panel asked me what my weaknesses were.

I replied, "Honesty."

One panellist said, "I don't consider honesty to be a weakness."

So I looked at him coldly and replied, "I couldn't give a fuck what you think, you quilt!"

thejbs · « **Reply #2574 on:** March 14, 2019, 11:16:28 am »

decided to put my hoover up for sale today.

All it was doing was gathering dust.

Dench57 · « **Reply #2575 on:** March 14, 2019, 12:41:54 pm »

I've just been made redundant from the skincare cream laboratory. They've given me my E45...

Malaysian Kopite · « **Reply #2576 on:** March 14, 2019, 01:56:15 pm »

Quote from: 24/7 on March 14, 2019, 10:12:28 am

So I was in a job interview last week and the panel asked me what my weaknesses were.

I replied, "Honesty."

One panellist said, "I don't consider honesty to be a weakness."

So I looked at him coldly and replied, "I couldn't give a fuck what you think, you quilt!"

<a href="https://www.youtube.com/v/iRtBvo9grLw" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer" class="bbc_link bbc_flash_disabled new_win">https://www.youtube.com/v/iRtBvo9grLw</a>

Dirkydirkdirk · « **Reply #2577 on:** March 14, 2019, 02:03:03 pm »

After I went to bed last night I came up with a story about three little guys who had to walk bloody miles with this magic ring to chuck it into a massive volcano.

Turns out I was Tolkein in my sleep.

paulrazor · « **Reply #2578 on:** March 15, 2019, 10:25:51 am »

did you hear about the gigolo who died in a car crash?

his dick was on the horn

sinnermichael · « **Reply #2579 on:** March 15, 2019, 05:56:46 pm »

A colleague of mine turned up with a goat this morning. He claims he misunderstood "bring your kid to work day".

bradders1011 · « **Reply #2580 on:** March 15, 2019, 10:56:28 pm »

I think my dictaphone is full. Maybe I'm reading too much into it.

PhaseOfPlay · « **Reply #2581 on:** March 16, 2019, 06:12:22 am »

Quote from: bradders1011 on March 15, 2019, 10:56:28 pm

I think my dictaphone is full. Maybe I'm reading too much into it.

I don't use a Dictaphone.

I use my fingers, like everyone else

Sir Capon of Debaser · « **Reply #2582 on:** March 16, 2019, 08:01:25 am »

Quote from: PhaseOfPlay on March 16, 2019, 06:12:22 am

I don't use a Dictaphone.

I use my fingers, like everyone else

So still useing a Dictaphone then

Slightly Less Mediocre Baron Bennekov · « **Reply #2583 on:** March 18, 2019, 09:19:09 am »

Did you know that a bowl of Irish bean soup contains exactly 239 beans?

If it has one more it will be too farty.

Crosby Nick · « **Reply #2584 on:** March 18, 2019, 09:54:18 am »

Quote from: Mediocre Baron Bennekov on March 18, 2019, 09:19:09 am

Did you know that a bowl of Irish bean soup contains exactly 239 beans?

If it has one more it will be too farty.

Dench57 · « **Reply #2585 on:** March 18, 2019, 12:25:20 pm »

My wife went on holiday to Bournemouth

In Dorset?

Yeah, she'd recommend it to anyone.

Anthony · « **Reply #2586 on:** March 18, 2019, 01:45:27 pm »

Before that wasn't it Kingston?

sinnermichael · « **Reply #2587 on:** March 18, 2019, 06:06:15 pm »

Really enjoyed reading Chris Eubank's book on ethics.

I can't wait for his next one about Kent.

24/7 · « **Reply #2588 on:** March 18, 2019, 09:43:30 pm »

I see Mick Hucknell's been arrested for indecent exposure in an art gallery in Paris. Basically he was fucking the paintings - mainly impressionist ones - well, everyone has a fetish, right?

So when Police questioned him about what it was like, he replied, "The Dégas was too gross, the Matisse was too gentile but the Monet was too tight to mention!"

tubby · « **Reply #2589 on:** March 19, 2019, 11:19:05 am »

Quote from: sinnermichael on March 18, 2019, 06:06:15 pm

Really enjoyed reading Chris Eubank's book on ethics.

I can't wait for his next one about Kent.

Hahahaa.

Dirkydirkdirk · « **Reply #2590 on:** March 19, 2019, 12:48:50 pm »

Enya has announced the next three Rugby Union fixtures that she will be attending:

Sale (a)
Sale (a)
Sale (a)

jonnypb · « **Reply #2591 on:** March 19, 2019, 01:07:20 pm »

I tripped over a bra this morning....

It was a booby trap....

I felt a right tit!

24/7 · « **Reply #2592 on:** March 19, 2019, 01:14:01 pm »

Considering one of these new celebrity facelifts but I'm on a budget So I've opted for the Mick Hucknell version by holding back the ears.

Gaz123456 · « **Reply #2593 on:** March 19, 2019, 05:52:42 pm »

Quote from: Dirkydirkdirk on March 19, 2019, 12:48:50 pm

Enya has announced the next three Rugby Union fixtures that she will be attending:

Sale (a)
Sale (a)
Sale (a)

Brilliant!

Slightly Less Mediocre Baron Bennekov · « **Reply #2594 on:** March 19, 2019, 06:16:12 pm »

If you run in front of a car you get tired.

If you run behind a car you get exhausted.

Slightly Less Mediocre Baron Bennekov · « **Reply #2595 on:** March 19, 2019, 06:16:49 pm »

Quote from: Dirkydirkdirk on March 19, 2019, 12:48:50 pm

Enya has announced the next three Rugby Union fixtures that she will be attending:

Sale (a)
Sale (a)
Sale (a)

hixxstar · « **Reply #2596 on:** March 20, 2019, 08:00:08 pm »

The other day in town i ran out of data on my phone so i popped into a pub and asked the barman "whats your wifi password".. ?
He said "you have to buy a drink"...
OK.. a pint of cider mate... £3.50

Right, wifi password mate...

he said.... you have to buy a drink.... all lower case

red vinyl · « **Reply #2597 on:** March 20, 2019, 09:36:19 pm »

Quote from: Dirkydirkdirk on March 19, 2019, 12:48:50 pm

Enya has announced the next three Rugby Union fixtures that she will be attending:

Sale (a)
Sale (a)
Sale (a)

Hahaha

Slightly Less Mediocre Baron Bennekov · « **Reply #2598 on:** March 21, 2019, 05:38:30 am »

5 out of 6 scientists agree that Russian roulette is safe.

Slightly Less Mediocre Baron Bennekov · « **Reply #2599 on:** March 21, 2019, 05:45:44 am »

Q: What season is best for going on a trampoline?

A: Spring time.