Here's the Billy The Kid guide to the 12 steps of AA
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.The alcoholics problem is that he has lost the power of choice when it comes to drinking. He can no longer choose to abstain via willpower. His life is one big shit show of problems. Hence the use of the words "powerless" and "unmanageable". In a nutshell, the alcoholic is a walking talking clusterfuck
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.The alcoholic by himself is completely incapable of solving his problem. Because it is a progressive disease, the alcoholic will eventually reach a point where he is completely beyond human aid. That's why sitting in "meetings" or booking himself into a "treatment center" will essentially do fuck all for him. He needs something outside of himself to sort his shit out for him. The reason the word sanity is used here is because alcoholism is a form of insanity. Remember when Carl's doctor told him that his liver was disintegrating and that he was more than likely going to die? Anyone remember what Carl did? He went out and got pissed. That's "insanity"
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.This is the one that stumps a lot of people. Particularly those with a disdain for religion. When they hear the word "God" they immediately think of the "God" as described in the bible. This is also where A.A gets (wrongfully) accused of being a religious organisation. You must remember that alcoholics are control freaks. They like to do everything "their way". This step basically means that you have to lay down your ego and stop being a selfish c*nt. It also suggests that "your way" is what created the clusterfuck of a life that you now have and that perhaps a little humble pie will do you the world of good
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.Steps 1 to 3 are preparation. They initiate the mental shift. Steps 4 to 9 is where the WORK begins. These steps aren't for reading, you're supposed to take action and actually do them. For this step, get a pen in your hand and start writing. Note if you will that it says "FEARLESS" moral inventory. That means that you've to write down all the bad shit that you've done in your life. No hiding anything. It has to be balls to the wall warts and all. It doesn't matter how disgusting, decrepit, embarrassing, horrific, evil, degrading, or downright insane your antics are. If you sucked a blokes cock in the back of a Vauxhall then write it the fuck down! Get all your cunty little secrets down on paper so you can see what a horrible little fucker your poor mother shat into existence.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.When your list is FULLY complete and ALL of your horrible shit housery has been accounted for, take your list to another person and read it aloud to them so they can see what a horrible c*nt of a human being you really are. This helps with the shedding of ones ego as mentioned in step 3. It's also to help you to realise what a shitty person alcohol made you become
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.This is where you say to yourself "yup, I was a bit of a bastard all right, I best sort out these shit housely ways of mine".
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.This is where you say "God please help me to be less of a selfish c*nt and to be nicer to my fellow human beings".
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.This is where the men and women get separated from the boys and girls. Or more specifically, this is where you'll find out if your just the type of c*nt who likes the "idea" of being sober, or if you're honestly and truthfully ready to sort your shit out once and for all. If you sucked that blokes cock in the Vauxhall then you have to track him down and apologise for it. If you banged the neighbours wife then you have to tell him. If he pings you on the chin then take your beating like a man. The workmate you fucked over, apologise to them. The room mate you stole money from, go and give it back to them. Working from your list, make amends to every poor fucker who had the misfortune of coming into your cuntish company
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.All this step means is to ensure that when you're apologising to people for your cunty ways, make sure you don't cause harm. So let's say Mr. Vauxhall has a wife and kids at home, we wouldn't want them to find out that Daddy likes getting his nuts polished by other blokes in the back of the family car. That might be traumatic for them. So exercise some caution and decorum here. Bear in mind that this step isn't a loop hole to get out of owning up to your cunty ways in step 8. It just mean use some common fucking sense for once in your life
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.Ok, so now that you've realised what a monumentally twattish shit stain you are, you need to make a conscious effort to pull yourself on your own bullshit whenever you feel your ego is trying to wrestle back control. Remember in step 3 we said bye bye to your ways, your wants, your needs, and your desires. And in step 7 you said you want to stop being a c*nt and be nice to people? Well this step makes you keep those promises. No more going back on your word like you did when you were a piss head
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.Fill a bath, light some candles, put on some tunes, and ask yourself "what can I do tomorrow to help someone other than myself?". "What can I, the once selfish c*nt do, that will make someone else's life better?" "What can I do for my community?" "Who from my AA group can I phone to check in with and make sure they're doing ok?". "Is there someone from my AA group who's out of work and struggling financially?" "Could I maybe give them the money I'd earmarked for my match ticket?" If you've properly eradicated all of your cuntish tendencies then the answers to these questions will come to you naturally
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.Once you've sorted your shit out, take your ass to an AA meeting. If you see a newcomer walk in who's clearly banged up and dying from untreated alcoholism, put your arm around them and say "I was once as fucked up as you are. But today I'm sober. The obsession to drink has finally left me. Here's how I did it". Then sponsor that poor soul and help him go through the 12 steps. Rinse and repeat for the rest of your life. I guarantee that if you do these steps you WILL return to sanity and you will feel a debt of gratitude to the people who pioneered AA
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