Help.
How can you tell if an alcoholic is absolutely beyond saving? At what point is it no longer worth trying to reason with one and instead effectively leave them to their own devices and step back to see if they can after all pull themselves out........or not?
Has anyone done that? Did it work? If it didn't, was there guilt and blame attached?
I'm at the point where I have no clue what to do other than to call him out on his shit and tell him he's the only one who can sort it. I can't keep being angry with him, or disappointed - it's not me he's letting down, it's himself, and I know I cannot afford to take on the emotional responsibility.........
So, as his son, what do you lot think IS my responsibility??
Help. I'm very confused - and I fear he's beyond help and I fear my next trip to see him will be to bury him, for real 
Alcoholism is a horrible thing for both the alcoholic and all those who love and care for them.
A big problem is that we can only help people who also want to help themselves. Sadly, many alcoholics don't genuinely want to help themselves. I used to go out with a woman who couldn't handle alcohol, but wouldn't give it up. In the early days of our relationship I called AA for advice and explained our situation. I told them how she wasn't the type of drinker who gets out of bed and pours a gin and tonic. She wouldn't sit in all day downing cans or bottles of wine, either. Thing is, every time we went anywhere, be it a pub, a club, on holiday or whatever, she would get absolutely hammered then become aggressive, abusive and violent. She also went off on one in Portugal and come back next morning telling me she had been raped by a number of men. She attacked me and smashed a hotel room up on another holiday, too. I loved this woman, but these issues revolving around alcohol were killing us. AA advised me to leave for my own sanity.
I stuck in there, because I did love her deeply, for seven years, but in the end the alcohol-driven violence and abuse saw me walk. I tried everything. I supported her through counselling. I tried my best to support her with the underlying issues that drove the drinking. I let the abuse, the violence, the destruction go far too many times. Any support she wanted, I would give her, but it was never enough. Nothing ever seems to be enough. As I said, I eventually walked in order to save my own sanity. I'm a tryer and I will help and support anyone I can, particularly those I love, but this whole thing defeated me. I had to choose between her taking me down with her, or me salvaging my own self-worth and my own sanity. There was a tipping point where I realised she was not going to take responsibility for herself and her recovery, so I couldn't either.
I also have a friend whose daughter is alcoholic. To cut a long story short, her antics in drink split a lovely family, resulted in police action, has seen one of their kids emotionally traumatised and in therapy and the things my friend witnessed from her daughter were the depths of degredation. Now, my friend is probably the strongest, most level-headed person I know, but this whole issue with her daughter almost killed her. The problem is, her daughter will take no personal responsibility for anything. It's all someone else's fault. My friend had to pull back for her own sanity. Being blood, she will always be there as a support and encouragement, but all trust is now gone, because it was broken far too many times before.
I suppose I'm just relating this because there are two scenarios with the same basic tread running through them. Namely, the unwillingness to take responsibility in the alcoholic, and the fact that those around them have to decide for themselves if, where and when they draw the line and withdraw for their own good.
The old saying that you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink, is so true. The person with the problem has to actually want change, seek change and commit to change, otherwise, the status quo remains. Change is damn hard. It can be very painful too, and many prefer the more comfortable, yet destructive, status quo to the uncertainty and painful challege of change. People don't just drink themselves to death and ruin their lives for the hell of it, though. People drink like this for a reason. For instance, as a lifelong sufferer of a debilitating anxiety disorder I used to drink myself into a 'sociable state' before I could even get out of the front door. Of course, I'd take it too far and end up ill, arrested or making a complete twat of myself in public. I was alcohol dependent when it came to going out, but in the end I took responsibility for myself and turned it around. I wasn't totally immersed in it though, and tackling the underlying issues helped me more than anything. Drinking was the symptom, not the underlying issue. For me, drinking to the point of self-destruction is a maladaptive coping strategy, so it's a symptom of the real, underlying problem. Addressing those is, for me, the most important thing, because it's those that drive the drinking. The way I see it, it's far harder to quit excessive drinking in order to cope with life if the underlying problems that drive the drinking remain unaddressed.
When people use alcohol and other drugs in such a self-destructive and defeating way, I always wonder what they are running away from? What are they scared of? What is causing their distress and anxiety? What are they avoiding in life? Are they avoiding or numbing out internal worries/thoughts or is it external issues? Is it both? Can any of these things be addressed? Thing is, most people will not give up their coping strategy unless they find and utilise a more productive one or while the real problem goes unaddressed. The problem with such maladaptive coping strategies are that they only make you feel better for a very short time, then you feel worse. Rather than make life better, they ultimately destroy quality of life as well as further damage mental and physical health.
Does your dad
want help? If so, you could help him seek it and support him with encouragement towards his efforts, but ultimately it's all down to him. The work can only be done by him. The responsibility for recovery has to be his and his alone.
After my friend's daughter destroyed her family through drink, she had to pull back for her own sanity. Thankfully, her daughter has gone on to make positive changes, although still does accept responsibility for the issues she has in life. AA helped her with the drink, but as the underlying issues that drove it stay unresolved, I do fear for the future with her. I wish her all the very best, of course. Her mum is encouraging, but will never trust her again.
My ex? She told me some years later she'd had therapy and ''was better now'' but I've also heard on the grapevine that some nights out have gone the same disastrous way that they did when I was with her.
Do I and/or my friend feel guilt for eventually drawing the line? No, neither of us do. The reason being that we did everything possible to help. We were there for years, trying, supporting, encouraging etc, but you can only be assaulted so many times. Only be lied to and betrayed so many times. Only see people you love destroy everything and everyone they say they care about so many times, too. Everything we ever did to support and help was eventually thrown back in our faces, often with glee, too. When you know you've done all you can, there is no reason to feel guilt.
Many an alcoholic may use the tactical withdrawal of their exasperated and devastated loved ones as another stick to beat those loved ones with, but the reality of that is it's just another convenient way of deflecting responsibility onto anyone and everyone but themselves. It's basically just guilt-tripping and emotional manipulation, be that deliberate or unconscious.
I feel for you, I really do. These situations are tragic and horribly frustrating. I had to learn the hard way that we cannot save people. People have to take responsibility for saving themselves and their lives. All we can do then is encourage them as best as we can with their efforts and be there for them if they need to talk. If/where you draw the line is up to you. I certainly hope your dad can turn this around, though.
All the best, mate. Take care of yourself.
EDIT: Sorry if that is a useless ramble. I realise I went on a bit there.
