Just received an appointment from the Outside Clinic - they give you eye tests at home - the tests are free and what you pay for the frames is up to you, same as anywhere else. But it brought back memories of their horrific first visit.
It all started when I signed up to a community website called Streetlife. Its not a debating forum, more if you want an item or want to give an item away, or can you recommend a tradesman sort of thing. To Mr May's great amusement I signed up as Tanya Hyde. They must all have lived pure and innocent lives as nobody ever made remark.
Anyway. The years rolled by and I glanced at the site from time to time, and eventually saw a post from someone asking for DVDs. Well I have about three large boxes full and no player, so I got in touch with this fella called Ralph, who called and took away a trolley load of DVDs. On the second visit I began to have a strange feeling about Ralph. He asked if I liked his trousers as they were silky and shiney. I told him I had no opinion either way, and if he wanted to walk about in shiney trousers that was strictly a matter for him. He appeared downcast and said that he thought I'd like his trousers as I clearly liked shiney things - the light switches, polished table etc, so he put them on specially to please me. His feet and trolley barely touched the floor on his way out.
About three weeks later I'm reading off a sight card with the nice man from the Outside Clinic when the phone rings. "It'll go to answerphone" says I. Well it is, of course, Ralph. Apparently I am his ideal woman, a proud beauty (and I'm having my eyes tested!) my magnificent arrogance and icy distain drives him wild with excitement. Please will I wear some exotic underwear and the next time he visits we can have sex.
End of call and a deathly silence. Neither I nor Clinic Man can look at eachother. Eventually I stammer "He's insane. I only gave him some DVDs. I never encouraged him at all. I'm not like that. I. I .". And Clinic Man said "Lets try again for the bottom line shall we?".
