Author Topic: All About Skrtel (Read 74433 times)

sabbathfan · « **on:** July 3, 2008, 12:02:12 am »

Martin Skrtel is the leading cause of death in Eastern European centre forwards.

Martin Skrtel could strangle you with a cordless phone.

Killing Martin Skrtel doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

Martin Skrtel played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Martin Skrtel once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

When Martin Skrtel was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.

Martin Skrtel can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

The Black Eyed Peas were just The Peas until Martin Skrtel heard their music.

Simon Says should be renamed to Martin Skrtel Says because if Martin Skrtel says something then you better fucking do it.

Superman wears Martin Skrtel pajamas.

Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Martin Skrtel, you're fucking dead."

Quentin Tarantino was asked to direct a biography about Martin Skrtel. He passed. It was too violent.

If Martin Skrtel was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.

You can lead a horse to water. Martin Skrtel can make him drink.

All men are created equal. They are all vastly inferior to Martin Skrtel.

Martin Skrtel was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.

Martin Skrtel has been to Mars. Thats why theres no life on Mars.
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Okay a blatant rip off of the Jack Bauer jokes but meh.

Can anyone else think of some good ones?

Sarge · « **Reply #1 on:** July 3, 2008, 12:05:22 am »

Martin Skrtel can eat 5 Shredded Wheat.

sabbathfan · « **Reply #2 on:** July 3, 2008, 12:06:42 am »

Quote from: Sarge on July 3, 2008, 12:05:22 am

Martin Skrtel can eat 5 Shredded Wheat.

Without milk

Quote from: Garstonite on July 3, 2008, 12:04:10 am

Martin Skrtel can lead a horse to water and make it drink it.

Quote from: sabbathfan on July 3, 2008, 12:02:12 am

You can lead a horse to water. Martin Skrtel can make him drink.

Ahem

tinman1 · « **Reply #3 on:** July 3, 2008, 12:07:59 am »

Killing Martin Skrtel doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

Made me chuckle that one

Garstonite · « **Reply #4 on:** July 3, 2008, 12:09:54 am »

Martin Skrtel knows the meaning of life but is too busy playing football and eating people to share.

maher · « **Reply #5 on:** July 3, 2008, 12:10:40 am »

Brian Blessed · « **Reply #6 on:** July 3, 2008, 12:15:31 am »

Martin Skrtel thinks that anyone trying to make a song for him to the tune of 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' is a c*nt. He's not wrong.

Sarge · « **Reply #7 on:** July 3, 2008, 12:16:51 am »

Martin Skrtel does not look at other mens cocks in the shower.

rosie · « **Reply #8 on:** July 3, 2008, 12:19:01 am »

Martin and his mum.

Franck Le Poof · « **Reply #9 on:** July 3, 2008, 12:19:39 am »

His mum deserves a medal for pushing him out

rosie · « **Reply #10 on:** July 3, 2008, 12:21:38 am »

Quote from: Raunchy on July 3, 2008, 12:19:39 am

His mum deserves a medal for pushing him out

I bet the midwife didn't dare smack his arse!

Swan · « **Reply #11 on:** July 3, 2008, 12:22:59 am »

Martin Skrtel has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.

I love Skrtel!

Sarge · « **Reply #12 on:** July 3, 2008, 12:25:59 am »

Martin Skrtel wipes his arse with barbed wire.

bt7cadillac · « **Reply #13 on:** July 3, 2008, 12:26:45 am »

Quote from: rosie on July 3, 2008, 12:21:38 am

I bet the midwife didn't dare smack his arse!

When Skrtel was born he had sex with the midwife. Up until that point in his life, she was the 3rd woman he'd had sex with.

Franck Le Poof · « **Reply #14 on:** July 3, 2008, 12:27:30 am »

Quote from: Sarge on July 3, 2008, 12:25:59 am

Martin Skrtel wipes his arse with barbed wire.

deadlybuzz · « **Reply #15 on:** July 3, 2008, 12:29:18 am »

There is no Ctrl button on Martin Skrtel's computer. Martin Skrtel is always in control.

Bob Loblaw · « **Reply #16 on:** July 3, 2008, 12:30:01 am »

When Skrtel needs new clothes, he stares down raw textiles. They become terrified and weave themselves into garments.

KK Legend · « **Reply #17 on:** July 3, 2008, 12:40:28 am »

Martin Skrtel can put a Rowntrees' fruit pastille in his mouth without chewing it.

Quote from: Sarge on July 3, 2008, 12:25:59 am

Martin Skrtel wipes his arse with barbed wire.

IloveGuinness17 · « **Reply #18 on:** July 3, 2008, 12:42:14 am »

When they finally landed on the moon all they found was two empty bottles of gin and Martin Skrtel's wallet

Sarge · « **Reply #19 on:** July 3, 2008, 12:44:38 am »

Martin Skrtel is so hard even midgets are scared of him. Fact.

jordo08 · « **Reply #20 on:** July 3, 2008, 12:45:36 am »

Martin Skrtel can fold a piece of paper more than 7 times

KK Legend · « **Reply #21 on:** July 3, 2008, 12:52:23 am »

When Martin Skrtel wants to cut his toenails he hires a 1000 amp plasma cutter and informs air traffic control to clear surrounding air space.

Sarge · « **Reply #22 on:** July 3, 2008, 12:56:04 am »

When Martin Skrtel farts it sends shockwaves across the globe and burns another hole in the ozone lair.

1770ben · « **Reply #23 on:** July 3, 2008, 01:00:04 am »

When Martin Skrtel takes a dump, he asks Gary Neville to " open wide" . Unfortunately Rooney jumps the queue.

deadlybuzz · « **Reply #24 on:** July 3, 2008, 01:00:37 am »

Martin Skrtel destroyed the Periodic Table because he only recognises the element of surprise.

KK Legend · « **Reply #25 on:** July 3, 2008, 01:02:04 am »

When Martin Skrtel stares at a jelly....it stops wobbling.

sabbathfan · « **Reply #26 on:** July 3, 2008, 01:03:06 am »

Some class ones in here

Love the sex with the midwife one

1770ben · « **Reply #27 on:** July 3, 2008, 01:05:07 am »

When Martin Skrtel went to an AC/DC concert , they started playing Debussy.

Serenity · « **Reply #28 on:** July 3, 2008, 01:07:28 am »

Martin Skrtel has his cake and eats it too

Sarge · « **Reply #29 on:** July 3, 2008, 01:08:22 am »

Martin Skrtel shot JR.

deadlybuzz · « **Reply #30 on:** July 3, 2008, 01:11:01 am »

Martin Skrtel does not sleep. He waits.

sabbathfan · « **Reply #31 on:** July 3, 2008, 01:13:52 am »

Jack Bauer and Martin Skrtel had a contest to see how many people they could kill in 3 minutes. Jack Bauer killed 87. Skrtel killed 242.

Afterwards Bauer claimed he'd have killed more if he hadn't run out of bullets. While Skrtel claimed he would've killed more if he hadn't run out of people.

sabbathfan · « **Reply #32 on:** July 3, 2008, 01:15:10 am »

Martin Skrtel and Superman had an arm wrestling contest. The only stipulation was that the loser must wear his underwear on the outside.

rosie · « **Reply #33 on:** July 3, 2008, 01:16:32 am »

spiders are scared of martin skrtel.

The Infamous_LFC · « **Reply #34 on:** July 3, 2008, 01:18:48 am »

There no such thing as global warming Martin Skrtel turnt the heater up.

Martin Skrtel can connect 4 in three turns

Martin Skrtel lost his virginity before his father

sabbathfan · « **Reply #35 on:** July 3, 2008, 01:19:21 am »

Martin Skrtel once helped an old lady cross a busy road. There was a massive pile up and 14 people died. But the old lady got to the other side of the road.

AnfieldIron · « **Reply #36 on:** July 3, 2008, 01:20:19 am »

Martin Skrtel can touch MC Hammer.

sabbathfan · « **Reply #37 on:** July 3, 2008, 01:20:49 am »

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Cos Martin Skrtel told him to, and if he tells you to then you'd better fucking do it!

The Infamous_LFC · « **Reply #38 on:** July 3, 2008, 01:21:49 am »

Martin Skrtel is dead but he hasn't been told yet

sabbathfan · « **Reply #39 on:** July 3, 2008, 01:23:08 am »

When Martin Skrtel drives through a toll booth he gets £5