Author Topic: Jokes so bad they're punny (Read 669653 times)

oldfordie · « **Reply #120 on:** May 4, 2016, 09:30:40 pm »

I'll never forget how happy i was when i saw my beloved walking down the aisle towards me. My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take an age, but eventually there she was, stood beside me. I gave her a cheeky wink and said "Get that trolley over here love, they're doing three cases of Carling for the price of two."

Fiasco · « **Reply #121 on:** May 4, 2016, 09:34:42 pm »

I was at the cemetery earlier and I saw 4 men carrying a coffin. A few hours later I saw the same men carrying the same coffin and I thought to myself, 'They've lost the fucking plot!'

Brian Blessed · « **Reply #122 on:** May 4, 2016, 09:40:13 pm »

Lady Bufton was in her bedroom, when in walked. Weeble. She knew Lord Bufton was in the city for the day and they had the place to themselves.

"Weeble," she said breathily, "why don't you...take off my shoes?"

"Yes, M'lady," he replied, voice trembling.

"Weeble...why don't you take off my dress?"

"Yes, M'Lady."

"Weeble...why don't you take off my bra?"

"Yes, M'Lady."

"Weeble...why don't you take off my panties?"

"Yes, M'Lady."

"Now, Weeble...I never want to catch you wearing my clothes again, do you understand?"

Banquo's Ghost · « **Reply #123 on:** May 5, 2016, 11:18:24 am »

Why do the French only ever eat a single egg?

Because in France, one egg is un oeuf.

Red_Mist · « **Reply #124 on:** May 5, 2016, 11:24:38 am »

There's a rumour going round that Cadburys are bringing out an oriental chocolate bar....but it could just be a Chinese wispa.

Alf Garnett! · « **Reply #125 on:** May 5, 2016, 11:37:06 am »

Roberto Martinez was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her shopping. He stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?" to which the old lady replied, "no way you got yourself into this mess, don't ask me to sort it out!"

BarryCrocker · « **Reply #126 on:** May 5, 2016, 11:37:28 am »

What's blue and smells like red paint?

Blue Paint

Alf Garnett! · « **Reply #127 on:** May 5, 2016, 11:42:52 am »

I asked the doctor on the ward how my son is getting on after swallowing a £2 coin.

He replied "no change yet".

CHOPPER · « **Reply #128 on:** May 5, 2016, 11:46:23 am »

Whats red and lies in the gutter?

A dead bus

CHOPPER · « **Reply #129 on:** May 5, 2016, 11:48:41 am »

What do you call 5 mancs in a filing cabinet?

Sawtid

BarryCrocker · « **Reply #130 on:** May 5, 2016, 11:54:11 am »

I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel

Scottish-Don · « **Reply #131 on:** May 5, 2016, 12:00:26 pm »

What's the difference between a carpenter & a joiner?

A joiner works with wood, a carpenter paints cars

Red_Mist · « **Reply #132 on:** May 5, 2016, 12:06:57 pm »

What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe?

Roberto

Red_Mist · « **Reply #133 on:** May 5, 2016, 12:15:25 pm »

A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts.
A woman comes up to him and says 'What are you supposed to be?'
The man says "A premature ejaculation".
"What?" says the woman
The man says, "I've just come in my pants."

Filler. · « **Reply #134 on:** May 5, 2016, 12:44:22 pm »

Q. How do you sink an Irish submarine?
A. Knock on the door.

Motty · « **Reply #135 on:** May 5, 2016, 11:13:41 pm »

This fellas driving a top of the range sports car and ragging it full speed down the motorway, he suddenly sees a copper behind him but instead of slowing down he decides to put his foot down and goes way over the limit, he starts pulling away but realises the copper probably has his number plate on camera so he slows the fuck down and face the music. The cop gets out, walks over to the car and says that's a stupid thing to do lad but listen, it's 4:30 and I clock off at 5 so tell you what, if you give me a cracking excuse as to why you were going that fast then I'll let you off to save the paperwork. Man answers......well my wife ran off with a traffic cop about 10 years ago, and when I seen you behind me I thought you were bringing her back.

Titi Camara · « **Reply #136 on:** May 5, 2016, 11:16:28 pm »

Quote from: Shady Craig on May 5, 2016, 11:13:41 pm

This fellas driving a top of the range sports car and ragging it full speed down the motorway, he suddenly sees a copper behind him but instead of slowing down he decides to put his foot down and goes way over the limit, he starts pulling away but realises the copper probably has his number plate on camera so he slows the fuck down and face the music. The cop gets out, walks over to the car and says that's a stupid thing to do lad but listen, it's 4:30 and I clock off at 5 so tell you what, if you give me a cracking excuse as to why you were going that fast then I'll let you off to save the paperwork. Man answers......well my wife ran off with a traffic cop about 10 years ago, and when I seen you behind me I thought you were bringing her back.

Solomon Grundy · « **Reply #137 on:** May 6, 2016, 09:38:16 am »

Quote from: Shady Craig on May 5, 2016, 11:13:41 pm

This fellas driving a top of the range sports car and ragging it full speed down the motorway, he suddenly sees a copper behind him but instead of slowing down he decides to put his foot down and goes way over the limit, he starts pulling away but realises the copper probably has his number plate on camera so he slows the fuck down and face the music. The cop gets out, walks over to the car and says that's a stupid thing to do lad but listen, it's 4:30 and I clock off at 5 so tell you what, if you give me a cracking excuse as to why you were going that fast then I'll let you off to save the paperwork. Man answers......well my wife ran off with a traffic cop about 10 years ago, and when I seen you behind me I thought you were bringing her back.

BarryCrocker · « **Reply #138 on:** May 6, 2016, 11:11:10 am »

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees the man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of her car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains,"I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit!?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says...

Hair Spray — Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave.

Only Me · « **Reply #139 on:** May 6, 2016, 02:23:11 pm »

What do you call a girl with no arms and one leg?

Eileen

What do you call a Chinese girl with no arms and one leg?

Irene

Chakan · « **Reply #140 on:** May 6, 2016, 02:24:06 pm »

Quote from: Only Me on May 6, 2016, 02:23:11 pm

What do you call a girl with no arms and one leg?

Eileen

What do you call a Chinese girl with no arms and one leg?

Irene

What do you call a man walking on leaves?

Russel

What do you call a man with 100 rabbits up him bum?

Warren.

Only Me · « **Reply #141 on:** May 6, 2016, 02:25:58 pm »

What goes: CLIP CLOP CLIP CLOP CLIP CLOP CLIP CLOP BANG! CLIP CLOP CLIP CLOP CLIP CLOP CLIP CLOP?

An Amish drive by shooting.

Dubred · « **Reply #142 on:** May 6, 2016, 04:49:45 pm »

Quote from: Only Me on May 6, 2016, 02:25:58 pm

What goes: CLIP CLOP CLIP CLOP CLIP CLOP CLIP CLOP BANG! CLIP CLOP CLIP CLOP CLIP CLOP CLIP CLOP?

An Amish drive by shooting.

Andy @ Allerton! · « **Reply #143 on:** May 6, 2016, 05:44:35 pm »

A woman walked into a pub and asked the barman for a double entendre. So he gave it to her.

Andy @ Allerton! · « **Reply #144 on:** May 6, 2016, 05:45:15 pm »

My dog's got no nose

- How does he smell?

Awful

Andy @ Allerton! · « **Reply #145 on:** May 6, 2016, 05:45:59 pm »

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Only Me · « **Reply #146 on:** May 6, 2016, 07:18:38 pm »

Whats got 2 legs and flies?

Half a dead dog.

Only Me · « **Reply #147 on:** May 6, 2016, 07:24:34 pm »

What do you call a woman sitting on a slice of bread?

Marge.

Crimson_Tank · « **Reply #148 on:** May 6, 2016, 07:30:13 pm »

Quote from: Only Me on May 6, 2016, 07:24:34 pm

What do you call a woman sitting on a slice of bread?

Marge.

You can to butter than that.

RAWK demands it or you are toast.

hixxstar · « **Reply #149 on:** May 6, 2016, 09:53:03 pm »

how many psychiatrist's does it take to change a light bulb... ?
Only 1 ... but the bulb must want to change..

Les Willis · « **Reply #150 on:** May 6, 2016, 09:57:44 pm »

Incidentally, I did invent this joke (which may or may not have been the inspiration for the thread)....

Q. Who has large teeth and sets exam questions?

A. Tester Rantzen...

Shazz · « **Reply #151 on:** May 6, 2016, 10:19:41 pm »

Quote from: jed the red on May 3, 2016, 07:30:41 pm

This skeleton walks into a pub, he asks for a pint of lager and a mop!

That's really tickled me

redbyrdz · « **Reply #152 on:** May 6, 2016, 10:49:18 pm »

Whats green, and when you press the button, turns red? Frog in a blender.

Whats green, and when you press the button, is still green? Frog in a blender, running for its life.

Henry Kissinger · « **Reply #153 on:** May 9, 2016, 12:24:30 pm »

Did you hear the one about the dyslexic atheist insomniac?

He used to lie awake at night wondering if there was a dog.

Only Me · « **Reply #154 on:** May 9, 2016, 02:38:13 pm »

Baby polar bear goes up to his Mum and says "Hey Mum, am I defo a polar bear?"
"Course you are son. Your fur's all white, you live in the Arctic, I'm a polar bear, your Dad's a polar bear, so yes, you're definitely a polar bear".

Ok thanks Mum.

He then goes up to his Dad and says "Hey Dad, am I defo a polar bear?"

"Course you are son. Your fur's all white, you live in the Arctic, you eat lots of fish, I'm a polar bear, your Mum's a polar bear, so yes, you're definitely a polar bear".

Ok, ta Dad.

Finally, he goes up to his Granddad and says "Hey Granddad, am I defo a polar bear?"

"Course you are son. Your fur's all white, you live in the Arctic, you eat lots of fish, you chase seals all day, your Mum's a polar bear, your Dad's a polar bear, so yes, you're definitely a polar bear".

Ok, thanks Granddad.

"Anyway son, what's all this about? I'm the third person you've asked that question to in the last five minutes, is anything bothering you-why do you keep asking if you're a polar bear?"

Well, Granddad I just wanted to make sure, because I'm absolutely fucking freezing.

Mumm-Ra · « **Reply #155 on:** May 9, 2016, 09:38:56 pm »

^ haha

A lady's husband dies, and she gets a little dog for company. They are constant companions for years, and then one day she fills his water bowl, he trots over and takes a drink, spits it out on the floor and says "Jesus woman, this is lukewarm! What's the matter with you?!"
She is obviously shocked, and says "You've been able to talk all this time?"
"Yeah, course"
"Well why have you never said anything before, I've been so lonely all this time, needing someone to talk to"
And the dog goes, "Well everything's been alright up to now"

13th man · « **Reply #156 on:** May 11, 2016, 11:45:44 am »

Why is it a bad idea to drink milk while going through revolving doors?

Coz it's on the turn.

exiledintheUSA · « **Reply #157 on:** May 11, 2016, 10:32:33 pm »

Bobby Martinez's School of Science.

Bucke · « **Reply #158 on:** May 15, 2016, 07:48:23 am »

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Philippe Flop

jed the red · « **Reply #159 on:** May 16, 2016, 11:59:28 pm »

How can you tell if a woman is wearing tights?

When she farts her ankles swell up!!!