The Liverpool FC Forum > Hillsborough Memorial Board

Survivors: Talk about it, share it, we'll try to help

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Just read your account mate. I'm up and about at work and struggling if truth be known. I was in pen 3 and went through a lot of what you did. Bottled it up for years following an initial bad time and then it all caught me 3 years ago. I moved to Londonas well, but you can't run away. Birth of my first lad was the turning point for me. Although the nightmares and panic attacks were there it was the birth of my lad that made me think I don't deserve this and I hit the ale in a big way. Nearly finished myself off and if truth be known still just about getting by. I'm about all night. If you want  to post or PM me you are welcome to lad

2dogs in LA:
The survivors are all of us that were there. All the families at home watching all unfold on live TV not knowing, as my mother, if their son, husband, daughter, wife, cousin or friend was one of those being carried on an advertising hording with a coat on their head with a bare arm bouncing in the sunshine are survivors. The heroes that fought the police just to try to allow the faces in front of them turning blue a saving breath of air are survivors. The police that defied orders to beat us back into that cage of death and tried to drag stiffening bodies from the hell are survivors.
Survivors of a tragedy that did not need to happen. Survivors of an event that changed our view of life forever.
We are the survivors. Remember us, everybody, because without the dead and survivors we may all still watch "the beautiful game" from behind electrified barbed-wire fences and have no respect greater than an animal being herded without care into "PENS".
Today is an emotional day. This time it is also Easter. A time to remember and grow has never been so relevent to me personally.
I hope those that laid down their scarves in respect (for there but for the grace of God...) although they did not wear our colours remember too.
My prayers go out to the SURVIVORS.
We still sing and we still shout and we still wave our flags high in the air. Just like we always did because we are survivors and those that didn't survive with us would do the same for us if we were not the survivors.
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I was one of the lucky ones. Went to the 1988 & 1990 semis, but couldn't get a ticket for the 1989 one cos my season ticket ended in a 9 and 8 & 9 werent given tickets that year.

May they all Rest In Peace.

Arthurs Bar:
Sometimes it's comforting to hear people give their account which mirrors your own. To be fair to this board I couldn't talk about it in to much detail. I talk a bit but not about what deeply effects me. Why? I don't know. I have bottled this up ever since. Every year I go thru the same grief and keep it well hidden from my family and friends. They all know, my wife will ask, but the old scouse mentality of I can handle it and just get on with it, comes from within and refuses help.

I have lived away for over a decade and a half in the "land of the psychologist" who would go for treatment if they lost their dinner to the dog but in all that time I am still not swayed to go into it in a lot of detail and I can't do it.

But here's as far as it goes........I was in the pen that day, being crushed not able to move. The barrier that gave way was no more than 4-5 feet away to my right. I knew the people in front of it had no chance due to the shear weight and force, my school mate was in that. I could have been standing there, I wasn't, I lived. How I fought my way to the back to be pulled up I, to this day, will never know.

On the Sunday I got told my friend died, on the Monday I was on the front page of the Daily mirror with thousands of others. My dad gave it to me in the morning with a look I will never forget, my mother, well you know.... but I couldn't see me mate. School let me do whatever I wanted. I failed my A-levels and the summer of 89 wasn't a nice I tried to forget with the influence of alcohol. My 18th at the end of the summer was, well, lets just say one to forget. Mt friends didn't know what to do. I was so easy going before Hillsborough but I no longer wanted to laugh, crack a joke or entertain. I couldn't play footy (my passion) until the P.E. teacher persuaded me to play in the final in June (I believe). I was sh**e. Waste of space..... my life was engrossed in being depressed.

When I've been home at Christmas I go the match and pass the HJC shop and don't go in just in case someone see's me and questions the situation. I pass the memorial but can only glance at it trying not to let my mates or father see me looking in case they start to get on to it. I read the articles of the players and the families and think to myself maybe I should shut the f**k up and help them. They are a lot worse than me. I have to got to get on with it....17 years for Christ's sake!

I've just realized I'm on one right now.....sorry.

Justice for the 96 and sympathy for the ones that live with this every day, week, month and year.

AB...I know where you are coming from mate! This is the first year I have been in a real on the phone to the UK whilst pissed and emotional, dont even remember what I said!

All I know is that I have received a load of calls back since making sure I'm alright....'You should get counselling son' my Mum said today. I should have got it 17 years ago!!!

But letting it all out is the best self counselling I have done for last I didnt bottle it up, at last people around me really got to see what Ive been going through for 17 years. At last Im taking these 'demons' on and know I will be alright!

Sharing accounts with people who where there for me has at last made me realise Im not alone....and neither are you mate  :wave

Its true the older you get the more emotional you get......I think I am finally growing up at the ripe old age of 35 :-\


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