Topic: Alcohol Issues - The Carl van Riel Memorial Thread

[Billy The Kid]

Sorry to hear that Andy.

Am I correct in saying that something similar happened a couple of months back at a BBQ?

I remember the last time I drank I started unloading on people. All the resentments I had just started spewing out

Like you, I would never dream of going off on one while sober. But when drink enters the equation, all bets are off with me 

Does your lady friend know the score? Can you retrieve the situation?

[AndyInVA]

Sorry to hear that Andy.

Am I correct in saying that something similar happened a couple of months back at a BBQ?

I remember the last time I drank I started unloading on people. All the resentments I had just started spewing out

Like you, I would never dream of going off on one while sober. But when drink enters the equation, all bets are off with me 

Does your lady friend know the score? Can you retrieve the situation?

it was the same lady and the one a couple of months ago hurt her feelings but it was one single comment and she also added to it by taking it the wrong way. Not an insult, just a thoughtless thing to say. We got past that.

This was a prolonged angry text. Again no insults. But if I were not on the wrong end of a bottle of red wine I never ever would have spoke that way.

I do't post on here looking for sympathy etc., just a freaking reminder that some of us just become different people when we have that 'one too many' and turn into idiots that are staggeringly self destructive.

I would love to think she will change her mind but she has made it plain she will not. It is a gut wrencher.

Billy - you are right. I had a warning marker. i didn't take it.

[rob1966]

I have been in this amazing relationship with a lady for five months and we planned marriage and blending family and everything.

I went on this trip with my daughter two weeks ago and slept in these awful cabins that were about 22C at night and I drank a bottle of red wine to help me sleep which didn't work.

I then got into a text fight with the lady and ended up saying things I never would have said if i was sober.

She ended it with me the next day.

I have so many regrets. There is a case for managing alcohol and in the main I think I can. I just think if I have more than two I should not be around anyone. If I had quit drinking altogether I would still be in the best relationship I have had or frankly expect to have going forward.

Sorry to hear about your break up. I've not followed your story, but the story you tell here, plus the bit I've highlighted, says to me you need to quit drinking full stop. If all you can take is two drinks, then you are sailing too close to the wind everytime you do have alcohol.

Is there any kind of programme to can attend, maybe AA, I don't know, so you can at least demonstrate to the lady you are getting sorted and make sure you never drink again? You mentioned blending the families, so I take it she has kids, so I can understand if she doesn't want to have her kids around someone who goes that way after a couple.

[damomad]

Sorry to hear that Andy, if you are anything like me, texting drunk never brings out my best. Luckily they’re only words though, might be time to stop the alcohol hindering you from your happiness.

[AndyInVA]

Sorry to hear that Andy, if you are anything like me, texting drunk never brings out my best. Luckily they’re only words though, might be time to stop the alcohol hindering you from your happiness.

I was on here with Carl when I really had a huge problem and quit for three years, changed my mental state about booze and now drink only wine and beer. I can easily have two beers and just stop, no worries, I had five out with the now ex gf a few weeks ago and just said a thoughtless comment at the end of the night. It wasnt a biggie but the lady just took it the wrong way.

Spring forward and I am away with my daughter on a camping in cabins trip. My gf was at her house. I could not sleep at all as the inside temperature was about 22C and im sweating laying still. I had brought a bottle of red wine and just drank it trying to help me sleep. Th egf starts texting late at night as she was pissed off about something. I really let her have it and was just really angry. Not rude or sweary, just angry.

But things I never would have said if I had not been drinking. As I was not with her, I felt comfortable drinking more than usual as it was just me and my kid was asleep at that time. Then when the gf starts texting I just reacted.

It was just a stupid situation where I didn't expect to be communicating with her but ended up doing so. So much to learn from the whole experience. There were other problems in the relationship that had nothing to do with booze. Booze just kicked it in the guts at the worst time.

A cautionary tale.

Even now that I am lonely and sad I really have no desire to get wasted. I drank about three glasses of wine last night and that was enough. The self destructive urge has gone but clearly alcohol still has the ability to be a negative force in my life.

[Billy The Kid]

Andy, I could be totally wrong here, but I honestly don't think you're (in the true sense of the word) an alcoholic. By that I mean, I don't think you're susceptible to the phenomenon of craving in the same way that I would be. I'm not saying alcohol isn't an issue for you, nor am I downplaying the problems it has caused you over the years. I empathise with a lot of your backstory. Your accounts are every bit as valid as mine.

That being said, I think the difference between me and you is that alcohol affects us differently. The fact that you can now take alcohol and stop without feeling the urge to get plastered suggests to me that your alcohol abuse days were rooted in habit. It was a behavioural pattern that had just (for whatever reason) become the norm for you. That too, of course, is just as dangerous. Habits are hard fucking bastards to break so I commend you for managing to change your mindset around alcohol

Me on the other-hand, I suffer from the phenomenon of craving. I'm wired differently to the average person. I couldn't do what you did (change my mindset) no matter how much I tried to condition my mind into doing so. My mental efforts would be usurped by my bio-chemistry. The reason I can't control alcohol is the same reason I have blue eyes and white skin - it's because it's written in my DNA. I was an alcoholic the moment my mother shat me into existence

There's a story in the AA big book about a man who was a problem drinker in his 20's. He then quit for 30+ years and became a hugely successful entrepreneur. A multi-millionaire who owned numerous companies. Upon reaching his late 50's he decided to "experiment" with alcohol again. He was dead within 3 years. I'm in this category. Prolonged periods of abstinence will never do anything to cure my inability to manage alcohol - anymore than it will change my eyes from blue to green. Therefore, in the true sense of the word, I would be classed as an alcoholic

You on the other hand (and again this is only my opinion) are what I would call a reformed problem drinker. You acquired the habit of drinking excessively. You then managed to break said habit. That's the difference between you and me. Your drinking was a symptom of habitual behaviour. My drinking was a symptom of a bio-chemical defect. The thing that me and you have in common though, is the fact that alcohol makes us think and say all kinds of stupid shit that we wouldn't ordinarily say while sober. We're not alone on that one though. Alcohol does that to non-alcoholics and non-problem drinkers too 

[Billy The Kid]

I think that's where Carl often struggled. He recognized that he had a problem, but I don't think he fully accepted that his condition was incurable

Somewhere in the back of his mind, I think he was clinging to the hope that one day he could become a reformed problem drinker, and control his intake

Unfortunately for Carl, he was just like me. He came into the world an alcoholic, and left it the same.

The only difference between me and Carl is that I managed to reach full acceptance of my condition before it became life threatening

[Johnnyboy1973]

The reason I can't control alcohol is the same reason I have blue eyes and white skin - it's because it's written in my DNA. I was an alcoholic the moment my mother shat me into existence

In what other aspects of your life do you have an inability to control excesses?

If you don't mind me asking?

[Billy The Kid]

In what other aspects of your life do you have an inability to control excesses?

If you don't mind me asking?

Good question. Outside of alcohol, I can't think of many. Although I'm sure if I sat down and did some rigorous introspection then I'd probably find a few.

 

[AndyInVA]

Andy, I could be totally wrong here, but I honestly don't think you're (in the true sense of the word) an alcoholic. By that I mean, I don't think you're susceptible to the phenomenon of craving in the same way that I would be. I'm not saying alcohol isn't an issue for you, nor am I downplaying the problems it has caused you over the years. I empathise with a lot of your backstory. Your accounts are every bit as valid as mine.

That being said, I think the difference between me and you is that alcohol affects us differently. The fact that you can now take alcohol and stop without feeling the urge to get plastered suggests to me that your alcohol abuse days were rooted in habit. It was a behavioural pattern that had just (for whatever reason) become the norm for you. That too, of course, is just as dangerous. Habits are hard fucking bastards to break so I commend you for managing to change your mindset around alcohol

Me on the other-hand, I suffer from the phenomenon of craving. I'm wired differently to the average person. I couldn't do what you did (change my mindset) no matter how much I tried to condition my mind into doing so. My mental efforts would be usurped by my bio-chemistry. The reason I can't control alcohol is the same reason I have blue eyes and white skin - it's because it's written in my DNA. I was an alcoholic the moment my mother shat me into existence

There's a story in the AA big book about a man who was a problem drinker in his 20's. He then quit for 30+ years and became a hugely successful entrepreneur. A multi-millionaire who owned numerous companies. Upon reaching his late 50's he decided to "experiment" with alcohol again. He was dead within 3 years. I'm in this category. Prolonged periods of abstinence will never do anything to cure my inability to manage alcohol - anymore than it will change my eyes from blue to green. Therefore, in the true sense of the word, I would be classed as an alcoholic

You on the other hand (and again this is only my opinion) are what I would call a reformed problem drinker. You acquired the habit of drinking excessively. You then managed to break said habit. That's the difference between you and me. Your drinking was a symptom of habitual behaviour. My drinking was a symptom of a bio-chemical defect. The thing that me and you have in common though, is the fact that alcohol makes us think and say all kinds of stupid shit that we wouldn't ordinarily say while sober. We're not alone on that one though. Alcohol does that to non-alcoholics and non-problem drinkers too 

Billy, I always love your responses. You are quite probably right about my not falling within the true definition of alcohol. Booze was always a daily pattern and also a crutch when I had a bad day. But once I broke the physical and emotional addiction, the pure DNA addiction was not there. Having one and stopping is easy. Even on my absolute worst day I will have three or four and I know on the last one that it will not do me any good and I should just stop after the last one or don't even finish it as I know it will make me feel like shit the next day. It is still amazing to me that even when emotionally hurt or sad I can stop when there is still plenty of booze in the house and I don't have the 'drink until its all gone mentality'.

I've also looked back on the problems that led to my last relationship fail. Once I thought about it and also reached out to a previous gf, my problems are way more deep rooted than anything associated with booze. More personality issues of how I react in a relationship when faced with problems. The issue that caused the final problem was just my somewhat angry reaction as I was indeed angry at my gf at her selfishness and thoughtfulness. I would never have put it the way I did sober, but even if I stated my case to her sober I probably would have had the same response from her.

But still a harsh reminder that I either need to limit or cut out completely booze when in a real relationship.

On a side comedy note. The last TV shows I binge watched were Mad Men and at the moment I'm into this American thug program called Ray Donovan (still want to say Doner Van). Both shows feature full on alcoholics as main characters who always walk in to a room and start pouring whiskey or other hard liquor. I feel like my kidneys actually start to hurt from watching people throw back huge glasses of hard liquor at stupid early times of the day. It almost makes me feel sick just watching it.

[redbyrdz]

Andy, sorry to sound harsh, but the problem there wasn't what you said (or texted) when drunk, it was the decision to "drink a bottle of wine to help me sleep". Which you decided to do when sober.

[rob1966]

Andy, sorry to sound harsh, but the problem there wasn't what you said (or texted) when drunk, it was the decision to "drink a bottle of wine to help me sleep". Which you decided to do when sober.

Just speaking the honest truth, more than being harsh, as far as I can see.

But still a harsh reminder that I either need to limit or cut out completely booze when in a real relationship.

Andy, I honestly think you should try to cut it out full stop, regardless of your relationship status.

[AndyInVA]

Andy, I honestly think you should try to cut it out full stop, regardless of your relationship status.

Yeah. You may be right. Doing some more reflection.

May be the best way.

[GiorgosCarraGoonies]

Think I'm done. Spent a lot of money that I don't really have, and behaved in a way that I'm, frankly, disgusted by this weekend past.  Was like a different person. I have no concept of moderation and now and again I go off the rails altogether.

I don't know if I can do it but I'm going to try to give it up. Managed a full month last year but I think this needs to be a permanent thing.

[Sudden Death Draft Loser]

Four years + off the booze now. I didn't have an alcohol problem, beyond getting bored of it and having massively out of proportion hangovers.

Now my biggest booze related issue is being around it. It's becoming more and more difficult to socialize in situations were alcohol is heavily involved.

[rob1966]

Yeah. You may be right. Doing some more reflection.

May be the best way.

Best of luck mate and I hope you can eventually sort things out with the lady.

Think I'm done. Spent a lot of money that I don't really have, and behaved in a way that I'm, frankly, disgusted by this weekend past.  Was like a different person. I have no concept of moderation and now and again I go off the rails altogether.

I don't know if I can do it but I'm going to try to give it up. Managed a full month last year but I think this needs to be a permanent thing.

Good luck mate.

We've got a friend and she is a really great person and a great laugh, but when she drinks, she cannot just have a couple, she has to go mad and she just gets totally wasted and then becomes the most annoying, argumentative, out of control embarrassment. She's in her mid 40's now and gets worse as she gets older not better. It's a shame as the wife is 50 next year and a few of them are having a weekend in Spain and this one is not being invited as they don't want to deal with her. My sister in law is a touch similar but she can at least control herself, but when she overdoes it she can be a pain too.

Four years + off the booze now. I didn't have an alcohol problem, beyond getting bored of it and having massively out of proportion hangovers.

Now my biggest booze related issue is being around it. It's becoming more and more difficult to socialize in situations were alcohol is heavily involved.

I worked in a hotel when I was 21 and use to drink ridiculous amounts, so much so that I'd have been a 30 stone alcoholic if I hadn't have left there. It was constant  all day and pub on days off, I was doing almost 70 pints a week. Luckily I got a driving job and other than a Saturday night out with my mates, I stopped drinking. I still drink now, but am quite happy when we got to a party to drive and drink non alcoholic cider. Its is annoying when everyone else is pissed though, as you see how annoying and stupid they are.

[redk84]

Day 71.
Boys night out tonight....a dinner which i'll take part in, the rest of the night drinking I will not.

I have a lot clearer head about this at the moment. A lot more soul-searching then I expected to take up to now....the first milestone of 90 days is not far off and then the next one I'd look to would be trying to do is having a sober December.

Tonight will be interesting. But if I can't go out and spend time with people without worrying about explaining myself and why im doing something like this then im doing it wrong. I dont have to validate myself to others....its a lesson that needed to be learned for me and if it came about because of this experience then i'll be better for it

Good vibes to the rest of you guys/girls out there

[TepidT2O]

How did it go?

71 days is something to mark as a feather in your cap mate..

[redk84]

How did it go?

71 days is something to mark as a feather in your cap mate..

Thanks..

It went really well actually. Ate a tonne of meat....stuck to my ginger ale whilst they had their pints etc. Barely a mention of my not drinking, they think im just on some other health trip or something...which I tend to do now and then so plays into my hand. Caught up on a lot of stuff and had a good time

so this is day 78...and i dont think there's many scenarios left which i haven't handled without alcohol so got a lot of firsts out the way. got a sober xmas in my sights now.....no idea how that will go but yeah, feeling on point financially at the moment and clear headed about things.

I am not sure if thats because of what im doing or not edit: it does have a lot to do with what im doing. feeling good about stuff in the moment sometimes makes me forget about times i was frustrated in the past....but anyway, its good to feel settled. Would recommend this to people who dont even think they have a problem just to try out.....for sure.

And thanks again for the those who have put something down in this thread for me to read and draw from, especially at the start

[BRdispatch05]

Hello friends.

Just a quick check in, been a while! 6 months sober as of Saturday! Also I'm now in a relationship. We've been together since early July.

 We found out a week ago... She is pregnant. Clearly unexpected and not ideal timing, but she is an amazing person who I could see marrying someday. I was very lucky to find her and she has been supportive of my sobriety and other downfalls I've been working on. So, I'm going to be a father and I am absolutely terrified as much as I am excited.

It is more important now to maintain my sobriety than ever, as now I have not one but two peoples lives dependent on me. Thank you all for your support in this thread, miss you Carl, and hope you're all doing well

[AndyInVA]

Lots of positives there. Anyone who can support you in your dark hours is worth long term love. Things sound wonderful. Well done and probably something that would not have happened if you were still drinking.

[Mumm-Ra]

Really great news that, BRD. Brilliant

[AndyInVA]

Update (Didn't see that coming).

So the lady I had been seeing who ended up ending things with me 8 weeks ago reached out to me last weekend. In a strange twist she was sick on a girls trip away and was 2 1/2 hours from the town we live in. She texted at 5.30 PM on a Saturday. I had two dinner invitations that night which I had turned down and also thought about drowning my sorrows that day as I was totally alone all weekend. When she texted I was alone with no plans and had not any booze. It only took a few seconds to make the decision to go get her and that was that.

Since then we have had several frank discussions and about where we went wrong before.

The thing that she brought up very quickly was that we both quit booze. I agreed of course. She said she could see that I was short tempered on the few occasions I had too much when I was around her and that she acknowledged that she was the same.

So we have both quit and are going forward.

I am in such a better place. The week before that I started sleeping pills again and was having two glasses of red wine in bed watching netflix on my ipad and washing the sleeping pill down with red wine.

I am very thankful for RAWK and for everyones support. I think I had my last drink last Monday (October 22) so I guess I am seven days sober at this point and am dating a woman I truly love.

It may go all wrong of course but at least with clear minds and heads the relationship will get its best shot.

[Dazzer23]

Good news. Good luck to you both.

[Mumm-Ra]

Nice one Andy, glad to hear it

[redk84]

Good luck to you both...doing it together would no doubt be a good thing for your relationship

[AndyInVA]

Good luck to you both...doing it together would no doubt be a good thing for your relationship

No joke.  No matter how many good times you have, I think when you are drunk and you do or say something stupid that is of course what gets remembered.

Quitting this time is so much easier. I can feel the real want to have some wine at bed time but once you know how to break that mental bond, quitting feels easy this time.

[TepidT2O]

I feel ashamed to ask...Im a cocaine addict and I dont know how to stop..

You shouldn’t be ashamed.  It’s a drug, it’s additive, your human.

You seem to want to stop.  That’s good news. 

People on here will give you some great advice, all I can say is that you should accept yourself and not beat yourself up about what you can’t change (the past).

Good luck mate. You’ve taken the first step.

[Sudden Death Draft Loser]

I feel ashamed to ask...Im a cocaine addict and I dont know how to stop..

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-body/cocaine-get-help/

[Corkboy]

I feel ashamed to ask...Im a cocaine addict and I dont know how to stop..

There ya go. You just took the first step to stopping.

[Billy The Kid]

I feel ashamed to ask...Im a cocaine addict and I dont know how to stop..

As others have rightly mentioned, coming in here and opening up about it is a step in the right direction

It's good that you at least recognize that you have a problem. That in itself is a start

[Kenny's Jacket]

I feel ashamed to ask...Im a cocaine addict and I dont know how to stop..

Mate is this something that happens when you've had a drink or you at the stage of ordering coke because you know you'll be going out ancd cant be without it
Im fighting similar myself feel free to PM me

[Billy The Kid]

Seeing as the thread is bumped, I figured I'd share this. This is another one of my favourite snippets from the AA book. Here, a doctor is sharing his story about his battles with alcohol. Prior to quitting he was of the opinion that the reason he used to drink so much was because of all the problems he had going on his life. After quitting he realized that all the problems he was trying to escape from via alcohol were in fact caused by the alcohol. Once he put the bottle away, the problems went away too. Even with moderate drinkers, alcohol is often the cause of more of their personal problems than they might think

[Slightly Less Mediocre Baron Bennekov]

You know what...?

Yesterday was one year since Carl's passing. I was in Berlin with my family but I couldn't help thinking of him several times during the day.

Hope you're all doing good.

[Tesco tearaway]

Brilliant mate 
Nice to see you in person 

[Billy The Kid]

Brilliant mate 
Nice to see you in person 

Thanks greatly  

[damomad]

That sounds like a special project, always love a good comeback story!

If you can change one life, all your struggles and battles have been worthwile. Although I'd say you changed more than a few on here alone!

[rob1966]

Update (Didn't see that coming).

So the lady I had been seeing who ended up ending things with me 8 weeks ago reached out to me last weekend. In a strange twist she was sick on a girls trip away and was 2 1/2 hours from the town we live in. She texted at 5.30 PM on a Saturday. I had two dinner invitations that night which I had turned down and also thought about drowning my sorrows that day as I was totally alone all weekend. When she texted I was alone with no plans and had not any booze. It only took a few seconds to make the decision to go get her and that was that.

Since then we have had several frank discussions and about where we went wrong before.

The thing that she brought up very quickly was that we both quit booze. I agreed of course. She said she could see that I was short tempered on the few occasions I had too much when I was around her and that she acknowledged that she was the same.

So we have both quit and are going forward.

I am in such a better place. The week before that I started sleeping pills again and was having two glasses of red wine in bed watching netflix on my ipad and washing the sleeping pill down with red wine.

I am very thankful for RAWK and for everyones support. I think I had my last drink last Monday (October 22) so I guess I am seven days sober at this point and am dating a woman I truly love.

It may go all wrong of course but at least with clear minds and heads the relationship will get its best shot.

Only just seen this, good to read.

How is it going?

[AndyInVA]

Only just seen this, good to read.

How is it going?

Good question and thank you for asking. Actually quite a well timed question.

This last Saturday was five weeks exactly that she texted me looking for 'help' for me to come to her rescue when she was pretty sick and wanted a ride home from 150 miles away.

It is the second time that I had quit booze and this time around find it really easy. I had gotten into the habit of wine at bedtime and so I simply substitute that trigger with a glass of milk and some health endangering crisps. It is the first time she has seriously tried to quit and was not able. She is however able to limit herself to one glass of wine when we go out to dinner and then sneaks in a margarita sometimes but only has one. We have so far avoided all booze related drama on my side and her side.

That is not to say the relationship is without drama and within 12 days she was already suggesting we quit dating for some reason or another. Repeat that twice since, but neither has booze as a contributing factor.

First time round I was totally infatuated with her, she really is a gorgeous lady, but now after seven weeks of being alone and in fact going on a few dates with someone else, it has been a bit hard to fall in love to the same level. We had a weekend away this last weekend as it was Thanksgiving last Thursday and pretty much everyone had a long weekend. She has decided that now she wants to be serious again and immediately go back to where we were before. I feel more cautious and am taking it a bit slower.

This weekend as it was just us, we decided on a booze amnesty and allow ourselves to drink on Saturday night. We had two wines each in late afternoon, then I drank two pints of beer pre dinner (as she didn't want hers), then shared a bottle of wine at dinner. We had a great time and no booze drama.

But oh my gosh, I had the absolute worst hang over on Sunday morning which totally ruined the entire day and I had to go to bed as soon as I got home Sunday afternoon. The hang over was the another big motivator to just forget booze. I don't need booze to have a good time and certainly don't need as it can lead to the bad times.

We were serious enough last time to discuss marriage and blended families. We have both avoided that conversation so far but we will have to have that conversation again soon.

But frankly the relationship I have with booze is so much better.I don't have any in the house anymore and I make clearer decisions although I am tired all the time as I am not sleeping anywhere near as well.

[Mumm-Ra]

Milk and crisps, I think you need professional help Andy  .