Author Topic: Jokes so bad they're punny (Read 670081 times)

soxfan · « **Reply #2040 on:** November 5, 2018, 01:34:44 am »

Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.

Q: Why did God create snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.

Q: What's the medical maneuver to save a choking lawyer?
A: Take your foot off his throat.

Q: What did the Arab say when he found a lawyer buried up to his neck in the sand?
A: "Who ran out of sand?"

sminp · « **Reply #2041 on:** November 5, 2018, 01:51:11 am »

Quote from: soxfan on November 5, 2018, 01:34:44 am

Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.

Q: Why did God create snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.

Q: What's the medical maneuver to save a choking lawyer?
A: Take your foot off his throat.

Q: What did the Arab say when he found a lawyer buried up to his neck in the sand?
A: "Who ran out of sand?"

Had a bad experience with a lawyer?

soxfan · « **Reply #2042 on:** November 5, 2018, 02:25:08 am »

Quote from: sminp on November 5, 2018, 01:51:11 am

Had a bad experience with a lawyer?

I own a ladder company.

24/7 · « **Reply #2043 on:** November 5, 2018, 09:31:00 am »

Quote from: soxfan on November 5, 2018, 02:25:08 am

I own a ladder company.

Taking steps to go up in the world?

Medellin · « **Reply #2044 on:** November 5, 2018, 11:30:25 am »

Quote from: soxfan on November 5, 2018, 02:25:08 am

I own a ladder company.

Snakes&LadderCo.sox.us

Dirkydirkdirk · « **Reply #2045 on:** November 5, 2018, 01:43:38 pm »

A bloke goes to the doctors because his cock has turned orange.

The doc says: "There must be an eternal cause for this. Do you spend any free time around chemicals?"
Patient: "No, I don't go near them."
Doc: "Hmmm, how about at home? Have you come into contact with any sort of dye?"
Patient: "No, nothing like that."
Doc: "How about at work?"
Patient: "No, I'm unemployed."
Doc: "Well what do you do with your time?"
Patient: "Mostly just sit around eating Wotsits and wanking."

soxfan · « **Reply #2046 on:** November 5, 2018, 05:20:35 pm »

Quote from: 24/7 on November 5, 2018, 09:31:00 am

Taking steps to go up in the world?

I believe that qualifies perfectly for this thread title.

Quote

Snakes&LadderCo.sox.us

"Buy three pythons, get a FREE 3 foot ladder. Sale ends Friday!"

sinnermichael · « **Reply #2047 on:** November 5, 2018, 06:20:34 pm »

Two guys just stole batteries and fireworks from my local Tesco. One was charged, the other one was let off.

Mumm-Ra · « **Reply #2048 on:** November 5, 2018, 08:47:22 pm »

Quote from: Dirkydirkdirk on November 5, 2018, 01:43:38 pm

A bloke goes to the doctors because his cock has turned orange.

The doc says: "There must be an eternal cause for this. Do you spend any free time around chemicals?"
Patient: "No, I don't go near them."
Doc: "Hmmm, how about at home? Have you come into contact with any sort of dye?"
Patient: "No, nothing like that."
Doc: "How about at work?"
Patient: "No, I'm unemployed."
Doc: "Well what do you do with your time?"
Patient: "Mostly just sit around eating Wotsits and wanking."

got a literal lol out of me, that one

exilescouse · « **Reply #2049 on:** November 6, 2018, 05:39:14 am »

Quote from: sinnermichael on November 5, 2018, 06:20:34 pm

Two guys just stole batteries and fireworks from my local Tesco. One was charged, the other one was let off.

Police just arrested a guy drinking battery acid, he will be charged in the morning.

kloppismydad · « **Reply #2050 on:** November 6, 2018, 06:58:22 am »

Quote from: Dirkydirkdirk on November 5, 2018, 01:43:38 pm

A bloke goes to the doctors because his cock has turned orange.

The doc says: "There must be an eternal cause for this. Do you spend any free time around chemicals?"
Patient: "No, I don't go near them."
Doc: "Hmmm, how about at home? Have you come into contact with any sort of dye?"
Patient: "No, nothing like that."
Doc: "How about at work?"
Patient: "No, I'm unemployed."
Doc: "Well what do you do with your time?"
Patient: "Mostly just sit around eating Wotsits and wanking."

Replace for cheetos for rest of the world.

BlackandWhitePaul · « **Reply #2051 on:** November 6, 2018, 10:30:40 am »

Fancy Dress Party

Host . . . What are you dressed as

Me . . . A Harp

Host . . . That outfit's not big enough to be a harp

Me . . . Are you calling me a Lyre ?

Sudden Death Draft Loser · « **Reply #2052 on:** November 6, 2018, 10:47:57 am »

Quote from: Black & White Paul on November 6, 2018, 10:30:40 am

Best one for a while.

A man arrives at a fancy dress party with a woman on his back.

The host asks "what have you come as?"

"A turtle"

"Who's that on your back?"

"Michelle"

bradders1011 · « **Reply #2053 on:** November 6, 2018, 11:41:40 am »

Quote from: Sudden Death Draft Loser on November 6, 2018, 10:47:57 am

Best one for a while.

A man arrives at a fancy dress party with a woman on his back.

The host asks "what have you come as?"

"A turtle"

"Who's that on your back?"

"Michelle"

Fitzy. · « **Reply #2054 on:** November 8, 2018, 06:00:15 am »

My wife accused me of having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerwchllyndrobwllllandysiliogogogoch.

I said, "How can you say such a thing?!"

bradders1011 · « **Reply #2055 on:** November 8, 2018, 02:41:04 pm »

A piece of black tarmac walks into a pub, demands a whisky and loudly challenges everybody in there to a fight, one-on-one, no holds barred.

He proceeds to knock 3 men out clean in a matter of minutes. The pub is subdued and the tarmac stands arrogant at the bar.

Suddenly, a green piece of tarmac walks in and demands a fight. The piece of black tarmac dives behind the bar, cowering and shaking.

"I thought you were hard?!" said the barman.

The black tarmac replied "Yeah, but he's a cycle path."

24/7 · « **Reply #2056 on:** November 8, 2018, 02:49:11 pm »

Quote from: bradders1011 on November 8, 2018, 02:41:04 pm

A piece of black tarmac walks into a pub, demands a whisky and loudly challenges everybody in there to a fight, one-on-one, no holds barred.

He proceeds to knock 3 men out clean in a matter of minutes. The pub is subdued and the tarmac stands arrogant at the bar.

Suddenly, a green piece of tarmac walks in and demands a fight. The piece of black tarmac dives behind the bar, cowering and shaking.

"I thought you were hard?!" said the barman.

The black tarmac replied "Yeah, but he's a cycle path."

Haha I love this meme - in Milton Keynes the cycle path is red tarmac, after the so-called 'redways' but it still raises a laugh whenever told.

24/7 · « **Reply #2057 on:** November 8, 2018, 02:50:36 pm »

Quote from: Fitzy. on November 8, 2018, 06:00:15 am

My wife accused me of having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerwchllyndrobwllllandysiliogogogoch.

I said, "How can you say such a thing?!"

Two fellas arguing in a shop in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerwchllyndrobwllllandysiliogogogoch, each accusing the other of not being able to say it properly.

Finally one turns to the shop worker and says, "Can YOU say very slowly and carefully the name of the place we're in, please?"

Worker looks calmly at them and shouts, "KAY.....EFF......SEA!"

spen71 · « **Reply #2058 on:** November 8, 2018, 10:00:51 pm »

Quote from: Black & White Paul on November 6, 2018, 10:30:40 am

Fancy Dress Party

Host . . . What are you dressed as

Me . . . A Harp

Host . . . That outfit's not big enough to be a harp

Me . . . Are you calling me a Lyre ?

I just spat my skittles out 😂

bradders1011 · « **Reply #2059 on:** November 9, 2018, 11:55:25 am »

I'm going out with a girl who loves to chat about Wet Wet Wet in bed.

She's got great Pellow talk.

sinnermichael · « **Reply #2060 on:** November 9, 2018, 12:30:59 pm »

Naturist leaders have dismissed their attempts to commemorate Remembrance Day as poppycock.

soxfan · « **Reply #2061 on:** November 9, 2018, 01:01:57 pm »

Q. Two cannibals got married. What happened when the husband arrived home late for dinner?
A. His wife gave him the cold shoulder.

soxfan · « **Reply #2062 on:** November 9, 2018, 01:02:55 pm »

A burglar stole all the lamps in my house. I know I should be more upset, but I'm absolutely delighted.

Alan_X · « **Reply #2063 on:** November 9, 2018, 01:36:48 pm »

Quote from: Black & White Paul on November 6, 2018, 10:30:40 am

Fancy Dress Party

Host . . . What are you dressed as

Me . . . A Harp

Host . . . That outfit's not big enough to be a harp

Me . . . Are you calling me a Lyre ?

A man arrives at a fancy dress party wearing a pair of Y-fronts and nothing else.

"What are you meant to be?"

"Premature Ejaculation..."

"Premature Ejaculation?..."

"Yeah, I've come in me pants..."

24/7 · « **Reply #2064 on:** November 9, 2018, 01:50:41 pm »

Quote from: Alan_X on November 9, 2018, 01:36:48 pm

A man arrives at a fancy dress party wearing a pair of Y-fronts and nothing else.

"What are you meant to be?"

"Premature Ejaculation..."

"Premature Ejaculation?..."

"Yeah, I've come in me pants..."

Then the host says the party is tomorrow anyway.....?

Tesco tearaway · « **Reply #2065 on:** November 9, 2018, 04:43:55 pm »

Two flies are sitting on a piece of shit.
One of them farts, and the other one says...
"Oi!!! Do you mind not doing that while I'm trying to eat my dinner!"

God's Left Peg · « **Reply #2066 on:** November 9, 2018, 09:57:19 pm »

Michael Barrymore has announced he won't be doing any more pantomimes.

He done Aladdin a few years back and he's never heard the end of it.

sinnermichael · « **Reply #2067 on:** November 9, 2018, 10:19:54 pm »

I asked 100 girls what shampoo they prefer to use while taking a shower.

They all replied, "How did you get in here?"

Tesco tearaway · « **Reply #2068 on:** November 9, 2018, 10:22:54 pm »

Quote from: sinnermichael on November 9, 2018, 10:19:54 pm

I asked 100 girls what shampoo they prefer to use while taking a shower.

They all replied, "How did you get in here?"

sinnermichael · « **Reply #2069 on:** November 11, 2018, 06:38:06 pm »

The inventor of the anagram has died. May he erect a penis.

oldfordie · « **Reply #2070 on:** November 12, 2018, 01:17:29 am »

Quote from: sinnermichael on November 9, 2018, 10:19:54 pm

I asked 100 girls what shampoo they prefer to use while taking a shower.

They all replied, "How did you get in here?"

Slightly Less Mediocre Baron Bennekov · « **Reply #2071 on:** November 12, 2018, 07:16:48 am »

Quote from: sinnermichael on November 11, 2018, 06:38:06 pm

The inventor of the anagram has died. May he erect a penis.

only6times · « **Reply #2072 on:** November 12, 2018, 10:12:25 am »

How does Jesus get his Christmas shopping home from the supermarket? Lidl donkey.

tubby · « **Reply #2073 on:** November 12, 2018, 12:48:42 pm »

Quote from: only5times on November 12, 2018, 10:12:25 am

How does Jesus get his Christmas shopping home from the supermarket? Lidl donkey.

Hahaa.

Lee1-6Liv · « **Reply #2074 on:** November 12, 2018, 09:42:07 pm »

Bono and The Edge walk into a bar

The barman says

Oh God, not U2 again.

liversaint · « **Reply #2075 on:** November 12, 2018, 10:15:13 pm »

Quote from: sinnermichael on November 9, 2018, 10:19:54 pm

I asked 100 girls what shampoo they prefer to use while taking a shower.

They all replied, "How did you get in here?"

24/7 · « **Reply #2076 on:** November 13, 2018, 08:26:58 am »

Quote from: Liverlee on November 12, 2018, 09:42:07 pm

Bono and The Edge walk into a bar

The barman says

Oh God, not U2 again.

Yes!

Slightly Less Mediocre Baron Bennekov · « **Reply #2077 on:** November 13, 2018, 10:42:23 am »

Quote from: Liverlee on November 12, 2018, 09:42:07 pm

Bono and The Edge walk into a bar

The barman says

Oh God, not U2 again.

24/7 · « **Reply #2078 on:** November 13, 2018, 11:01:24 am »

High brow joke time.

Dickens' "A Tale Of Two Cities" was originally serialised in two Midlands local papers.

It was the Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times.....

Slightly Less Mediocre Baron Bennekov · « **Reply #2079 on:** November 14, 2018, 02:46:19 pm »

A Liverpool fan named Rudolf woke up one morning..
He looked out the window and announced, "It's raining."
His wife said, "No dear, it's sleeting."
He replied, "Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."