Author Topic: Jokes so bad they're punny  (Read 671536 times)

Offline liverbloke

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6120 on: June 9, 2021, 08:48:00 am »
was woken up by my neighbours last night having sex loudly

you could hear banging on the wall and lots of moaning

but it turns out that it wasn't them having sex after all

the noise was being made by the husband's mum who had come to stay

it seems that she had fallen out of bed and was trying to get help

and she sadly passed away by the morning







....feel guilty about the wank now

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Offline sinnermichael

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6121 on: June 9, 2021, 03:07:46 pm »
Andrew Lloyd Webber will ignore restrictions and reopen his theatres on 21st June “come hell or high water”.

Not his words. Tim Rice’s.

Offline Statto Red

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6122 on: June 9, 2021, 11:27:14 pm »
I've stocked up my fridge with beers for the Euro's, customised for each match.

I have San Miguel for when Spain are playing as it's Spanish
Kroonenberg for when France are playing as it's French
Peroni for when Italy are playing as it's Italian
Beck's for when Germany play as it's German
Carling for when England are playing as it's shit.
#Sausages

Offline 24/7

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6123 on: June 10, 2021, 10:00:42 am »

I've completely misunderstood Pride month.


Can anyone give me some advice on how to look after 15 lions?

Offline bradders1011

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6124 on: June 10, 2021, 11:36:36 am »
Woke up the other day to find a full beef stir fry on the bedside table.

I'd been wokking in my sleep.
If I were a linesman, I would execute defenders who applauded my offsides.

Offline liverbloke

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6125 on: June 11, 2021, 06:25:52 pm »
a mate of mine was born with 5 penises

he's finally found a store on ebay that sells underwear just for his condition

apparently they fit him like a glove

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Offline Sangria

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6126 on: June 11, 2021, 06:42:32 pm »
We should come up with a scale for levels of press resistance

The Diana Scale
"i just dont think (Lucas is) that type of player that Kenny wants"
Vidocq, 20 January 2011

http://www.redandwhitekop.com/forum/index.php?topic=267148.msg8032258#msg8032258

Offline hixxstar

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6127 on: June 11, 2021, 09:16:14 pm »
shark...... SHARK..


In Hindsight a bad name for my dog, especially on these long beach walks..  8)
Shanks on Leaving Liverpool FC

"It was the most difficult thing in the world, when I went to tell the chairman........ It was like walking to the electric chair.... That's the way it felt."

Offline 24/7

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6128 on: June 11, 2021, 09:18:12 pm »
shark...... SHARK..


In Hindsight a bad name for my dog, especially on these long beach walks..  8)
Good one. True story though, in Sweden I had a toerag redneck neighbour with two rotties. One was called Attack, the other Kill. :o

Offline Andy @ Allerton!

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6129 on: June 14, 2021, 05:54:38 am »
The petrol station around the corner had a letter stolen from it's sign the other day.

They're sorting it by sending out an ESSO S.
Quote from: tubby on Today at 12:45:53 pm

They both went in high, that's factually correct, both tried to play the ball at height.  Doku with his foot, Mac Allister with his chest.

Offline bradders1011

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6130 on: June 17, 2021, 07:40:30 pm »
Ever since I started using coconut shampoo, I keep getting chased by PIs.

It's like there's a bounty on my head.
If I were a linesman, I would execute defenders who applauded my offsides.

Offline Tesco tearaway

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6131 on: June 21, 2021, 11:01:09 am »
I don't want to brag about my finances, but my credit card company call me every day to tell me my balance is outstanding  8)
If your moral compass is Piers Moron then I ask you to think whether someone who oversaw illegal phone hacking and published fake pictures depicting War Crimes is an appropriate person to look up to. In fact, I'd suggest you're a bit of a c*nt.

Offline 24/7

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6132 on: June 21, 2021, 11:43:05 am »
Apparently it's World Yoga Day today - a bit ambitious to have a global day dedicated to what is often a hard thing to do - I mean, isn’t that a stretch too far?

Offline Andy @ Allerton!

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6133 on: June 21, 2021, 11:43:40 am »
Two Brexit voters are doing work in a house. They are nailing boards down on the floor and Terrah notices that Barrah is stopping looking at the odd nail shrugging then throwing it in the bin.

"What ur yur dooin' Barrah?" asks Terrah.

"Dese nails are upsood down innit Terrah, so I'm throwing them out!"

"Your stupid bursturd, save them for the ceiling!"
Quote from: tubby on Today at 12:45:53 pm

They both went in high, that's factually correct, both tried to play the ball at height.  Doku with his foot, Mac Allister with his chest.

Offline afc tukrish

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6134 on: June 21, 2021, 12:12:35 pm »
I don't want to brag about my finances, but my credit card company call me every day to tell me my balance is outstanding  8)

Not a bad effort at all.

Lost my card the other day. I was in tiers.
Since haste quite Schorsch, but Liverpool are genuine fight pigs...

Online tinner777

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6135 on: June 21, 2021, 01:56:41 pm »
errr, that Micheal Owen, he's a little forward….

Sorry

Offline Red Beret

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6136 on: June 21, 2021, 02:51:28 pm »
On a birthday card: viagra wont turn you into James Bond, but it will make you Roger Moore.
I don't always visit Lobster Pot.  But when I do. I sit.

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Online Gaz123456

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6137 on: June 24, 2021, 07:54:11 am »
John McAfee has died - did he catch a virus?

Offline FiSh77

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6138 on: June 24, 2021, 02:16:18 pm »
John McAfee has died - did he catch a virus?

Apparently he committed suicide in a prison cell while awaiting extradition to the US where he was charged with evading avast amount of tax

Offline Tesco tearaway

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6139 on: June 24, 2021, 02:25:35 pm »
Apparently he committed suicide in a prison cell while awaiting extradition to the US where he was charged with evading avast amount of tax
Well that's just nort on mate; they should have been keeping an eye on him.
If your moral compass is Piers Moron then I ask you to think whether someone who oversaw illegal phone hacking and published fake pictures depicting War Crimes is an appropriate person to look up to. In fact, I'd suggest you're a bit of a c*nt.

Offline BlackandWhitePaul

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6140 on: June 24, 2021, 02:27:49 pm »
I will never date a Tennis Player again.

Love means nothing to them   :(

Online Elmo!

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6141 on: June 24, 2021, 02:41:34 pm »
No wonder McAfee lost his extradition case, his lawyer was a public Defender.

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6142 on: June 24, 2021, 02:42:16 pm »
A farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell. The other farmer says, “Yep, I’ve got this great rooster, named Kenny. He’ll service every chicken you got, no problem.”

Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he’d be worth it. So, he buys Kenny. The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk. “I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I’ll need you to do a good job! So, take your time and have some fun,” the farmer said, with a chuckle

Kenny seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Kenny takes off like a shot. WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.

After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won’t even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Kenny on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, “Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you’ve done to yourself.”

Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, “Shhhh .. they’re getting closer.”

Offline Tesco tearaway

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6143 on: June 24, 2021, 02:44:42 pm »
A farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell. The other farmer says, “Yep, I’ve got this great rooster, named Kenny. He’ll service every chicken you got, no problem.”

Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he’d be worth it. So, he buys Kenny. The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk. “I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I’ll need you to do a good job! So, take your time and have some fun,” the farmer said, with a chuckle

Kenny seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Kenny takes off like a shot. WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.

After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won’t even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Kenny on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, “Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you’ve done to yourself.”

Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, “Shhhh .. they’re getting closer.”
:lmao :lmao :lmao
If your moral compass is Piers Moron then I ask you to think whether someone who oversaw illegal phone hacking and published fake pictures depicting War Crimes is an appropriate person to look up to. In fact, I'd suggest you're a bit of a c*nt.

Offline FiSh77

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6144 on: June 24, 2021, 02:46:39 pm »
:lmao

Offline bradders1011

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6145 on: June 26, 2021, 11:58:14 am »
My mate writes ballads about sewing machines.

He's a Singer songwriter.
If I were a linesman, I would execute defenders who applauded my offsides.

Offline FiSh77

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6146 on: June 26, 2021, 01:44:33 pm »
My mate writes ballads about sewing machines.

He's a Singer songwriter.

Worst joke in the thread

Offline Andy @ Allerton!

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6147 on: June 26, 2021, 02:16:12 pm »
My mate writes ballads about sewing machines.

He's a Singer songwriter.

Quote from: tubby on Today at 12:45:53 pm

They both went in high, that's factually correct, both tried to play the ball at height.  Doku with his foot, Mac Allister with his chest.

Offline Tesco tearaway

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6148 on: June 26, 2021, 02:24:36 pm »
Worst joke in the thread
Thought it was a bit so so myself.
If your moral compass is Piers Moron then I ask you to think whether someone who oversaw illegal phone hacking and published fake pictures depicting War Crimes is an appropriate person to look up to. In fact, I'd suggest you're a bit of a c*nt.

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6149 on: June 26, 2021, 03:30:40 pm »
Worst joke in the thread

Why all the needle?

Offline FiSh77

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6150 on: June 26, 2021, 04:02:38 pm »
Why all the needle?

Wasn't me, think someone hacked my login and stitched me up

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6151 on: June 26, 2021, 04:14:46 pm »
Worst joke in the thread

It's knot up to the usual standard.

Offline Son of Spion

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6152 on: June 26, 2021, 04:21:16 pm »
Wasn't me, think someone hacked my login and stitched me up
It must have been some prick.
The light that burns twice as bright, burns half as long, and you've burned so very, very brightly, Jürgen.

Offline Son of Spion

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6153 on: June 26, 2021, 04:22:34 pm »
I spotted a vampire with terrible hay fever the other night.

Turns out he was the Pollen Count.
The light that burns twice as bright, burns half as long, and you've burned so very, very brightly, Jürgen.

Offline FiSh77

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6154 on: June 26, 2021, 04:28:12 pm »
I spotted a vampire with terrible hay fever the other night.

Turns out he was the Pollen Count.

If the sewing machine joke wasn't bad enough this has just sucked the life out of the thread

Offline Son of Spion

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6155 on: June 26, 2021, 05:51:32 pm »
If the sewing machine joke wasn't bad enough this has just sucked the life out of the thread
I'm rather sanguine about that comment.
The light that burns twice as bright, burns half as long, and you've burned so very, very brightly, Jürgen.

Offline RedBootsTommySmith

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6156 on: June 26, 2021, 07:28:55 pm »
Sew, what, darn it?  It had me in stitches.

I’ve just cottoned on, it seams there’s, hem hem,  too much needle in this thread.

« Last Edit: June 26, 2021, 07:33:05 pm by RedBootsTommySmith »
Victorious and glorious....

Offline hixxstar

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6157 on: June 26, 2021, 11:04:01 pm »
"I went to Poole on holiday"

"In Dorset?"

"Yes I can thoroughly recommend it"..  :wave
Shanks on Leaving Liverpool FC

"It was the most difficult thing in the world, when I went to tell the chairman........ It was like walking to the electric chair.... That's the way it felt."

Offline Redwhiteandnotblue

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6158 on: June 28, 2021, 12:25:34 am »
Sew, what, darn it?  It had me in stitches.

I’ve just cottoned on, it seams there’s, hem hem,  too much needle in this thread.



Button it, will you?

Offline RedBootsTommySmith

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6159 on: June 28, 2021, 08:00:09 pm »
Button it, will you?

Can’t we patch things up?
Victorious and glorious....