Author Topic: NewsThump! Private Eye and the like..  (Read 26744 times)

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NewsThump! Private Eye and the like..
« on: December 29, 2015, 11:42:03 am »
As quite often, there is doom and gloom, despondency and despair with the news of today, perhaps it's time for RAWK to embrace some of the political (though funny) statements made by the satirical press..

After all, sometimes the best way to deal with stuff is to laugh at it..

I'll start us off with this piece from NewsThump:

http://newsthump.com/2015/05/08/everyone-thick-as-pig-shit/

The British public are as thick as fucking pig shit, it has been confirmed this morning.

When voters were asked to choose between lots and lots of pain and slightly less pain, a majority asked if they could have the options explained again more slowly.

The night with red faces in the Labour camp and Guardian columnist Polly Toynbee refusing to down from the roof of a multi-storey car park in Islington.

Experts put the low turnout reported in some areas down to the fact that most voters thought the election was on Friday.

And the wildly inaccurate polls that preceded the vote were explained when computer-illiterate pollsters admitted to adding things up on their fingers.

Political analyst, Simon Williams, said, “Even an amoeba is able to respond to an unpleasant stimulus such as Ian Duncan Smith’s opinions by adopting a worried face and scurrying away in the opposite direction.”

‘However, if you take the metaphorical amoeba that is the British public and repeat the same repulsive codswallop, it just sits there with a big stupid grin all over its rudimentary face.’

‘In some cases it even moves closer.’

Williams blames what he calls the Fifty Shades effect, insisting the public are either stupid or masochistic or both.

He added, “The last five years of coalition government can be compared to a badly-written sex scene, which the British public is gleefully consuming with one hand.”
Quote from: tubby on Today at 12:45:53 pm

They both went in high, that's factually correct, both tried to play the ball at height.  Doku with his foot, Mac Allister with his chest.

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Re: NewsThump! Private Eye and the like..
« Reply #1 on: December 29, 2015, 12:41:56 pm »
http://newsthump.com/2015/12/24/cameron-uses-thing-that-didnt-happen-to-reflect-on-values-he-doesnt-possess/

Cameron uses thing that didn’t happen to reflect on values he doesn’t possess

David Cameron has used his Christmas message to urge people to reflect on values he doesn’t possess and be proud of things he’s not doing as they celebrate something that didn’t happen.

The prime minister said that issues he has little interest in made the UK a place that is the exact opposite of what he’s actually turning it into.

He went on to highlight the plight of people he couldn’t give a shit about, while people from places he’s not arsed about are forced to go somewhere or other.

His statement also read, “At this time of year it’s important we pay tribute to the doctors, nurses and carers helping the vulnerable this Christmas – because paying tribute is much easier than paying them better wages.

“We should also spare a thought for the families in Syria hiding under tables from the bombs we’re dropping around them.

“And as I look back at 2015, I am proud of what we have achieved, just as Jesus would be proud – you know, if he’d actually existed.

“Particularly when you consider that Jesus said the best way to help the vulnerable is to not help them at all, and how he cut the benefits of the disabled – I know, you don’t remember that bit, but it was in a little-known gospel, you probably wouldn’t have heard of it.”

Cameron signed off by saying, “As a society that has its roots in Christian values, we should all look forward to 2016 and our plans for a series of good old-fashioned domestic inquisitions to join our foreign crusades.”
Quote from: tubby on Today at 12:45:53 pm

They both went in high, that's factually correct, both tried to play the ball at height.  Doku with his foot, Mac Allister with his chest.

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Re: NewsThump! Private Eye and the like..
« Reply #2 on: December 29, 2015, 02:14:33 pm »
David Cameron has used his Christmas message to urge people to reflect on values he doesn’t possess and be proud of things he’s not doing as they celebrate something that didn’t happen.


 ;D
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Re: NewsThump! Private Eye and the like..
« Reply #3 on: December 29, 2015, 02:14:39 pm »
http://newsthump.com/2015/12/29/corbyn-challenges-cameron-to-annual-mario-kart-competition/

Corbyn challenges Cameron to annual Mario Kart competition

Jeremy Corbyn has challenged David Cameron to an annual Mario Kart competition with the other party leaders.

The Labour leader initially challenged the prime minister to an annual TV debate, but it was immediately rejected due to the stultifying dullness of the concept.

However the revised Mario Kart plan has been met with a cautious welcome.

SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon has stated her intention to take part but only if she gets to play as Princess Peach because she is ‘nice and pretty and all the boy characters are stupid.’

Liberal Democrat leader Timothy something-or-other said he was just thrilled to be asked to play with the big boys.

However, David Cameron is less keen, insisting that playing Mario Kart to be unbecoming of a British prime minister and that he would prefer something more manly and tough like God of War, Total War or Warface.

UKIP have refused any involvement until it can be ascertained whether Mario is a legal immigrant or not.

If the plans go ahead, it is understood that the competition will be screened on Channel 5, just after The World’s Strongest Man and will be hosted by Polly Toynbee who, whilst mainly known for her political punditry, is also the world’s seventh best Mario Kart player.
Quote from: tubby on Today at 12:45:53 pm

They both went in high, that's factually correct, both tried to play the ball at height.  Doku with his foot, Mac Allister with his chest.

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Re: NewsThump! Private Eye and the like..
« Reply #4 on: December 30, 2015, 11:02:54 am »
http://newsthump.com/2015/12/30/shock-as-people-actually-shocked-by-tory-ministers-racism/

Shock as people actually shocked by Tory minister’s racism

There was widespread shock this morning at people being shocked by the revelation that a Tory minister held racist attitudes.

When a memo from the eighties emerged detailing policy adviser Oliver Letwin’s racism, the political world was rocked by revelations that people were actually surprised that a Tory minister thought that black communities had ‘a bad moral attitude,’ and black entrepreneurs would just set up in the ‘drugs and disco trade.’

“Frankly, I find it incredible that this is news,” said political expert Will I. Am.

“Judging from the amount of shock and surprise the memo has generated, one would have thought that it showed that a minister from Margaret Thatcher’s government wasn’t a massive racist.

“Surely the ‘revelation’ that Mr Letwin harboured racist views would be similar to finding out that George Gideon Oliver Osborne, son of Sir Peter Osborne, 17th Baronet of Ballentaylor and Ballylemon and Felicity Alexandra Loxton-Peacock, educated at St. Paul's and Magdalen College, Oxford prefers cats to poor people, or David Cameron doesn’t know where the North of England is.”

Mr Letwin has since issued an apology for the memo saying that it ‘was badly worded’ and he meant to include the Indian, Pakistani, and Chinese communities in his comments.

The newly released documents from the eighties contain numerous revelations such as Mrs Thatcher’s favourite member of A-ha; Pål, Leon Brittan’s plans to privatise Wales, and some basic sex education for Geoffrey Howe.
Quote from: tubby on Today at 12:45:53 pm

They both went in high, that's factually correct, both tried to play the ball at height.  Doku with his foot, Mac Allister with his chest.

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Re: NewsThump! Private Eye and the like..
« Reply #5 on: December 30, 2015, 08:32:34 pm »
Newsthump: Wonga declares £37.3m loss after accidentally borrowing a fiver from itself

Legitimised loan-shark Wonga has declared a substantial loss after someone in the expenses department pressed the wrong button and borrowed a fiver six months ago.

The error meant that Wonga had one week to pay back the five pounds, plus three pounds in fees, followed by around three thousand pounds once the company’s utterly life-shattering rate of interest was applied.

Six months later and the company has yet to pay itself back following the error, leading to the massive pre-tax loss and a vague threat to come round to its own house and repossess its own furniture.

Wonga’s CEO, Norman Bugger-Crumpets, said “The irony isn’t lost on us.”

“I’ve begged our collections team to let us off the hook, but we’ve programmed them to be single-minded heartless wank-pheasants of the highest order.”

“They’ve told us we either have to pay up, or some thoroughly terrifying men will come to take anything that isn’t nailed down, and maybe have a go on my wife.”

“It’s simultaneously a testament to our extensive training program, and a massive pain in my arse.”
Wonga losses

Wonga had previously enjoyed unparalleled success in convincing people to borrow money despite a rate of interest that should make your eyes bleed.

Financier, James Reynolds said “Those same people have come to realise just how rubbish they are at borrowing money, and have fortunately stopped doing it before their lives are absolutely destroyed.”

Some in the City hope that Wonga will survive the downturn and continue their sterling work in bankrupting poor people who aren’t very good at maths.

However, the majority of normal people would be quite happy to see the company send its heavies around to itself to show itself it means business.

http://newsthump.com/2015/04/21/wonga-declares-37-3m-loss-after-accidentally-borrowing-a-fiver-from-itself/
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Offline Andy @ Allerton!

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Re: NewsThump! Private Eye and the like..
« Reply #6 on: January 1, 2016, 10:42:10 am »
http://newsthump.com/2015/12/31/lynton-crosby-to-be-knighted-for-services-to-making-bastards-electable/

Lynton Crosby to be knighted for services to making bastards electable

Conservative strategist Lynton Crosby is to be knighted for his incredible services to the world of making utter bastards seem electable.

The New Year’s Honours list includes the Tory party strategist and he will become Sir Lynton in a move that is sure to give hope to turd-polishers everywhere.

Crosby is being recognised for his ‘public service’, a definition which now seems to include being paid ridiculous amounts of money to win elections.

Political commentator David Walden-Smythe told us, “In the world of earning half a million quid a year, to spend millions of pounds convincing tens of millions of voters that David Cameron and George Gideon Oliver Osborne, son of Sir Peter Osborne, 17th Baronet of Ballentaylor and Ballylemon and Felicity Alexandra Loxton-Peacock, educated at St. Paul's and Magdalen College, Oxford aren’t total shits, then Lynton a God.”

“Seriously, there is no-one better at doing that – so if that makes him eligible for a knighthood, so be it.”

The knighthood for Crosby hasn’t surprised all voters.

Non-moron Simon Williams said, “I’m guessing there have been a few backroom meetings where Lynton Crosby has convinced the government that getting him knighted is a strategic masterstroke.”

“Though to be fair, if helping the Tories get elected sees you knighted, surely we should be talking about Sir Ed Miliband?”
Quote from: tubby on Today at 12:45:53 pm

They both went in high, that's factually correct, both tried to play the ball at height.  Doku with his foot, Mac Allister with his chest.

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Re: NewsThump! Private Eye and the like..
« Reply #7 on: January 6, 2016, 11:57:54 pm »
http://www.thepoke.co.uk/2016/01/06/bbc-adapt-labour-reshuffle-epic-new-138-part-tv-series/

BBC to adapt Labour reshuffle into epic new 138 part TV series

The BBC have announced plans to make a dramatised version of the Labour reshuffle which they promise will make ‘War and Peace look like a pizza menu in comparison’.

THe sprawling, seemingly endless, reshuffle of Jeremy Corbyn’s cabinet will be told at a “incredibly languid pace which will have viewers wondering exactly how much longer it will go on for” said the BBC.

“Reshuffle is an epic tale where not much really happens. It will feature memorable scenes of unending speculation, pure gossip and desperate journalists standing outside Corbyn’s office straining their ears to hear some shouting.”

“This is a story so long and drawn out it makes Game of Thrones look like a haiku, or Homer’s The Iliad seem about as lengthy as the instructions on a shampoo bottle.”

No casting choices have been announced yet, but the BBC promise that Reshuffle will feature some of the most spectacularly prolonged non-storytelling that viewers have ever seen committed to screen.
Quote from: tubby on Today at 12:45:53 pm

They both went in high, that's factually correct, both tried to play the ball at height.  Doku with his foot, Mac Allister with his chest.

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Re: NewsThump! Private Eye and the like..
« Reply #8 on: January 11, 2016, 04:25:10 pm »
Poignant.

Quote
David Bowie returns home

David Bowie has returned to his home after an all too brief sojourn amongst humanity.

The departure means that sadly it is the world that looks very different today.

He leaves behind a substantial body of work, including several autobiographical albums about the experience of being something more than human amongst mere mortals.

The singer’s home is believed to be somewhere in the constellation of Sirius but, like so much about him, this was left extremely ambiguous.

Bowie took up residence on this planet after falling to Earth, but it was generally accepted that no one planet could sufficiently contain him for long.

Fans are comforted with the knowledge that life continues somewhere, if not necessarily on Mars.

In response to the news, people worldwide are politely requesting that Tom Waits and David Attenborough go to bed early and take care of themselves, as there’s only so much of this we can stand.

Jodrell Bank have confirmed ground control will continue to call for him into the silent, eternal void, hoping for a signal.

http://newsthump.com/2016/01/11/david-bowie-returns-home/
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Re: NewsThump! Private Eye and the like..
« Reply #9 on: January 12, 2016, 10:40:55 am »
Newsthump: Wonga declares £37.3m loss after accidentally borrowing a fiver from itself


:lmao

quality

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Re: NewsThump! Private Eye and the like..
« Reply #10 on: January 14, 2016, 05:42:04 pm »
Quote
Alan Rickman cuts out Grim Reaper’s heart with a spoon

The late Alan Rickman has set about the face of death with some silverware.

The so-called Grim Reaper continued his utterly shite run of form in 2016 by taking the soul of the man who played Hans Gruber, Professor Snape and The Sheriff of Nottingham – literally the only outstanding thing in an otherwise middling version of Robin Hood.

“I took his arm to lead him away,” said a visibly shaken grim reaper, “and he looked at me, brandished the spoon and said ‘I am going to count to three, there will not be a four’, which I just laughed at.

“And then he leapt on me and jabbed a spoon right through my chest.

“He dug and dug until he scooped my heart clean out. I was in shock; I didn’t realise I HAD a heart.

“Then he held it up to my face and said ‘Yippee Kay-Yay, Motherfucker’.

“I knew we should have frisked him on the way in; this is the guy who nearly killed Bruce Willis.

“That was a movie? Oh right. Well I feel less bad for enjoying it now I suppose.

“Between this and that Bowie bloke smashing a guitar over my head, it’s been a strangely violent week for me.

“Serves me right for fucking with the half-blood prince, I suppose.”

When questioned, Rickman replied with “because it’s blunt, you twit, it hurts more” before smiling, dropping the spoon and stepping over the reaper’s broken body to walk unaided into the light.

http://newsthump.com/2016/01/14/alan-rickman-cuts-out-grim-reapers-heart-with-a-spoon/
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Offline Andy @ Allerton!

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Re: NewsThump! Private Eye and the like..
« Reply #11 on: January 15, 2016, 08:54:41 am »
http://newsthump.com/2016/01/14/queen-stripped-of-her-crown-after-she-refuses-to-fight-prince-charles/

Queen stripped of her crown after she refuses to fight Prince Charles

The World Boxing Federation has stripped the Queen of her crown after she refused to defend it against Prince Charles.

Her Majesty has been under pressure to get into the ring against the challenger for some time, not least from Charles himself, but has consistently refused.

The crown is now considered ‘open’, and will be awarded as soon as a bout between Princes Charles and William can be arranged.

“Her majesty was a tasty fighter in her day but she’s been resting on her laurels and ducking a fight for too long,” explained WBF spokesman Simon Williams.

“Charles has been after a shot at the title for forty years and the time comes when you’ve got to say enough is enough.”

“Royalty is a fighters game, and if you won’t defend your crown – well, use it or lose it.”

The Queen is said to be wary of a fight, especially against Pronces William or Harry, but has asked if could stage a comeback against Prince Naseem Hamed as he’s a big fat sod these days.
Quote from: tubby on Today at 12:45:53 pm

They both went in high, that's factually correct, both tried to play the ball at height.  Doku with his foot, Mac Allister with his chest.

Offline Andy @ Allerton!

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Re: NewsThump! Private Eye and the like..
« Reply #12 on: January 15, 2016, 08:59:35 am »
http://newsthump.com/2014/05/14/cancer-still-ignoring-bastards/

Cancer still ignoring bastards

After claiming the life of inspirational teenager Stephen Sutton, cancer has confirmed it plans to continue taking good people and leaving society’s total shits well alone.

Sutton died peacefully in his sleep early this morning, and will be remembered for raising a record-breaking £3.3m for cancer research, after his plight was picked up on social media.

Many have questioned why cancer has taken someone who clearly had so much to offer the world, whilst so many vacuous wastes of organic matter continue to live on, right in our faces.

Facebook user Simon Williams told us, “There are murderers, child molesters and politicians walking around, healthy as you like, and yet this incredible boy is the one taken by the disease.”

“What sort of disease would do that? If I didn’t know better I’d say it was some sort of sociopath.”

“I don’t want to name names, but I could think of a dozen people I’d rather cancer had taken from the world than Stephen, and that’s just from reality television.”

“Why is it you never hear of cancer taking the life of a complete and utter bastard, answer me that eh?”

Cancer leaving bastards alone

Cancer researchers have said that Stephen’s fundraising will go a long way to improving the chances of those like him in years to come.

However a spokesperson for cancer told us, “So what, I literally couldn’t give a shit and I’ll do what I like.”
Quote from: tubby on Today at 12:45:53 pm

They both went in high, that's factually correct, both tried to play the ball at height.  Doku with his foot, Mac Allister with his chest.

Offline gazzalfc

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Re: NewsThump! Private Eye and the like..
« Reply #13 on: January 15, 2016, 11:12:23 am »

Offline Andy @ Allerton!

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Re: NewsThump! Private Eye and the like..
« Reply #14 on: January 18, 2016, 11:16:26 pm »
‘Speaking English cures violence’ insists man currently bombing Syria

The Prime Minister has promised that Muslims who learn English would never think of blowing stuff up like he does.

Mr. Cameron made the statement while signing off on another air strike order on a Syrian orphanage.

“Yes, it’s all rather simple really,” said the shiny-faced Eton mess.

“Once one masters the tongue of the empire, one’s thoughts of violent extremism go straight out of the window.

“Now I know what you’ll say: ‘Prime Minister, you’re ever so handsome’, Haha! No, no I jest. Although I am, I’m sure of it. I’m ever so shiny.

“I know some people will say that I still commit to acts of violence despite my marvellous grasp of the language, except that I send huge swathes of young men and one or two ladies to do the fighting for me.

“But that’s entirely different for me, you see.

“Because I don’t wear one of those dreadful peep-scarfs, alright?

“Now, fuck off.”

Some Muslim women will face deportation if they don’t learn the native, peaceful language of Charles Bronson, Peter Sutcliffe and Paddy McGuinness.


http://newsthump.com/2016/01/18/speaking-english-cures-violence-insists-man-currently-bombing-syria/
Quote from: tubby on Today at 12:45:53 pm

They both went in high, that's factually correct, both tried to play the ball at height.  Doku with his foot, Mac Allister with his chest.

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Re: NewsThump! Private Eye and the like..
« Reply #15 on: January 19, 2016, 06:56:59 am »
:-)

Offline Andy @ Allerton!

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Re: NewsThump! Private Eye and the like..
« Reply #16 on: January 19, 2016, 07:24:40 pm »
Jeremy Corbyn's cat to be deported for not learning English

JEREMY Corbyn’s cat is under threat of deportation for only answering to ‘El Gato’.

The black-and-white cat refuses to answer to anything but the Spanish term for ‘the cat’, despite having been resident in the UK for more than six years.

Neighbour Eleanor Shaw said: “When it’s defecating in my garden it never responds to the plain and simple English phrase ‘fuck off’. I have to shout ‘vamos’.

“It’s made no effort to integrate with the other cats in the community, preferring to engage in territorial warfare so that it can build some sort of fundamentalist foreign cat terror state.

“Doesn’t turn his nose up at good old British Whiskas though. Oh no, he’ll have that for free.”

The prime minister said: “‘El Gato’, who sounds like a drug kingpin, has nothing but contempt for British culture.

“He will be deported within the next six months unless he learns enough English to work driving an Uber.”

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/politics/politics-headlines/jeremy-corbyns-cat-to-be-deported-for-not-learning-english-20160119105460
Quote from: tubby on Today at 12:45:53 pm

They both went in high, that's factually correct, both tried to play the ball at height.  Doku with his foot, Mac Allister with his chest.

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Re: NewsThump! Private Eye and the like..
« Reply #17 on: January 19, 2016, 07:34:18 pm »
Newcastle population facing deportation after failing to learn English

Newcastle residents could fall victim to David Cameron’s ‘one in one out’ deportation policy after failing to master basic English.

The Prime Minister claims refusing to learn English leaves Geordie communities isolated and radicalised in festering ghettos such as Byker Grove.

But the Tory leader was roundly criticised for linking language skills with supporting a shit football team owned by a fat millionaire.

Cameron’s Send ‘Em Back campaign could also have ramifications for the entertainment industry, meaning Ant and Dec could soon become Ant or Dec.

Cameron said, “Any visit to Newcastle will confirm that their womenfolk lack the necessary English skills to purchase a coat for the winter.”

“Instead they point excitedly at things, which can be misconstrued as shoplifting.”

The PM insisted English ‘isn’t difficult’ and that fluency could be achieved by watching popular shows like Eastenders.

He added, “By isolating themselves in this way, many Geordies are denying themselves a prestigious career at a company like Sports Direct.”

Meanwhile, Newcastle resident Simon Williams, agreed that his wife has problems integrating.

“Wor lass never gans oot the hoose!” he told us.

Cameron has since backtracked over controversial plans to ban Newcastle residents from wearing veils in public.

“If women from Newcastle prefer to cover their faces in this way then that is a matter for them.”

“I’ve seen Geordie Shore, so frankly I’d prefer it if they did.”




http://newsthump.com/2016/01/19/newcastle-population-facing-deportation-after-failing-to-learn-english/
Quote from: tubby on Today at 12:45:53 pm

They both went in high, that's factually correct, both tried to play the ball at height.  Doku with his foot, Mac Allister with his chest.

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Re: NewsThump! Private Eye and the like..
« Reply #18 on: January 19, 2016, 07:57:03 pm »
95 % of Brit Expats Sent Back to UK for Failing Language Test

The biggest movement of migrants since the Second World War began today, as countries across the world demanded UK expats had to  speak the language of their chosen country, or they had to leave…and most failed.

Foreign officials have said the test wasn’t even that rigorous. You only had to know how to say “Two Beers” “Please” “No” “Yes” and “Do you have real brown sauce?” but almost one hundred per cent flunked it.

A Foreign Office Spokesman said: “We don’t know how to cope with the influx, even some Brits in Australia failed the test, as they didn’t add “mate” to the end of the brown sauce question.”

Steve Tate, 35, who was packing up his belongings in Alicante said: “I was just about to learn the Spanish for ‘two beers” but I just couldn’t find the time, I’ve only been here eight years. I did integrate though, I went to the Black Lion pub, with Stevie, Gaz and Larry everyday. I remember that day we ate squid, it was rank though, never again.”

Shelia Predegast, 45, who lives in Albufeira, was seething after being told she had to leave, telling customs officials, “I didn’t want to learn Spanish anyway.”


http://thelondoneconomic.com/satire/95-of-brits-have-been-sent-back-to-uk-for-failing-language-test/18/01
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They both went in high, that's factually correct, both tried to play the ball at height.  Doku with his foot, Mac Allister with his chest.

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Re: NewsThump! Private Eye and the like..
« Reply #19 on: January 23, 2016, 08:16:51 pm »
Quote
Doctor Who fans ‘not over-reacting’ by burning BBC to ground

Doctor Who fans have denied that burning the BBC to the ground over a staff change they dislike was an ‘overreaction’.

Adult fans of the show formed into a mob armed with pitchforks and burning brands after the announcement that the show would be taken over by someone they dislike even more than the current incumbent.

Until now fans had shown restraint in expressing their dislike of the previous showrunner, Stephen Moffatt, by burning him in effigy on bonfire night.

However, the announcement of a new, even less popular, showrunner today members of the Provisional Wing of the Doctor Who Fan Club have taken to the streets.

“I don’t think that I’m taking what is essentially a bit of Saturday night light entertainment too seriously”, said Whovian fan Simon Williams, whilst waving a placard reading “Behead those who insult the Doctor!”

“I’m just saying that the person in charge of the programme must conform in every way to my own personal wishes.

“Now I’m going to kill a hostage every hour until Neil Gaiman is put in charge of the show.”

The BBC has issued a statement that it is sympathetic to the wishes of it’s more vocal fans, but until they actually stop watching the show and buying the merchandise sympathy is about as far as it’s going to go.

http://newsthump.com/2016/01/23/doctor-who-fans-not-over-reacting-by-burning-bbc-to-ground/

Didn't realise the new guy was so unpopular!  ;D
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Re: NewsThump! Private Eye and the like..
« Reply #21 on: February 1, 2016, 11:16:37 pm »
Some brilliant stuff in here. Only just found this thread 😀

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Re: NewsThump! Private Eye and the like..
« Reply #22 on: February 5, 2016, 04:38:42 pm »
http://newsthump.com/2016/02/05/beached-migrants-wondering-how-to-get-same-sympathy-as-beached-whales/

Beached migrants wondering how to get same sympathy as beached whales

Beached sperm whales are now generating more sympathy than the washed-up, distasteful corpses of Syrian children, according to experts.

When asked: “Would you take your children to see a beached whale carcass for scientific or other reasons?” a majority of those surveyed ticked a box marked “Yes, that sounds educational.”

However when the phrase “beached whale carcass” was substituted with “child of Middle-Eastern appearance” the vast huge majority were suddenly not that interested in getting involved.

UK citizens said they found it hard to relate to the hard-luck stories of wretched, drowned orphans because quite often their faces had been pixelated.

Syrians intent on entering the UK via its attractive coastline are now being advised to become more whale-like in attitude and gait.

When quizzed as to how could Syrians could attract more sympathy, answers ranged from ‘develop a blowhole’ to ‘adopt a krill-based diet’.

Others claimed that dead whales were far less likely to claim Invalidity Benefit or set up an underwater caliphate.

Emotionally-fatigued Brits stressed it is not enough to loiter in shallow water, singing mournful melodies with your mates, while firing off the occasional distress flare.

Sperm Whale, Penny Armstrong, who is currently experiencing navigational difficulties near the Brighton shoreline, said, “Is this where they filmed Quadrophenia?”
Quote from: tubby on Today at 12:45:53 pm

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Re: NewsThump! Private Eye and the like..
« Reply #23 on: February 17, 2016, 09:08:04 am »
http://newsthump.com/2012/06/26/slaughter-of-first-borns-could-save-50bn-in-child-benefit-pledges-cameron/

Slaughter of first-borns could save £50bn in Child Benefit, pledges Cameron

In a radical overhaul of the welfare system, David Cameron has set out plans for a measured policy of infanticide that could massively reduce the UK deficit, according to experts.

The proposed scheme, which will initially target northern cities with a high proportion of working class people, would bring an abrupt end to the ‘culture of entitlement’ to a child.

The elimination of poor northern children under the age of two, if successful, could eventually be extended to less impoverished kids in London and the South East who bath on weekdays and have never used an outside toilet.

The proposals are seen as ‘red meat’ to disgruntled Tories eager to put some clear blue water between themselves and their coalition partners, even if it’s teeming with thousands of screaming babies floating downstream in Fortnum & Mason hampers.

Benefit cuts

Last night Nick Clegg accused the Conservatives of a ‘lurch to the right’, slamming the policy as draconian and possibly Herodian.

He suggested as many as three of his MPs could abstain from a Commons vote, adding, “Many of us Lib Dems are planning to sit on the fence on this issue , assuming the fence hasn’t been used to prop up some kind of mass grave.”

“I’d definitely have a problem with that.”

But Work and Pensions Secretary, Iain Duncan Smith, who engineered the policy, countered:

“As well as saving the country an estimated £50bn over the four years of ‘implementation’, it would mean less chaotic supermarkets, fewer 4x4s on the road, and an eerie silence when absent-mindedly walking into a creche.”

“We’re admittedly a little unsure how this will play with the public, but nothing could have prepared us for the shitstorm we kicked up when we suggested middle-class pensioners could lose their free TV licences.”
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Re: NewsThump! Private Eye and the like..
« Reply #25 on: February 24, 2016, 10:40:24 am »
Noam Chomsky steps aside to make way for Russell Brand...

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/celebrity/noam-chomsky-steps-aside-to-make-way-for-russell-brand-20160224106515

The world’s most renowned left-wing thinker has decided to retire following Russell Brand’s latest online rant, it has been confirmed.

Noam Chomsky, who has written over 100 books, made his decision following Brand’s new video diatribe in which he accused Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson of being a “Jihadi John Machine”.

Chomsky said: “Sometimes you have to accept that it is time to pass the baton. Russell Brand has taken political thought to places I could never hope to.

“People might say that he just reads out things off the internet and throws the word ‘dialectic’ in a few times to sound more intelligent, but to be honest, that’s all academia is.

“I may have various honorary fellowships and peace prizes but he has shagged Katy Perry. She’s fit.”

Office stationery supplier Nikki Hollis commented: “Russell Brand has made politics interesting for me, mainly because he talks about it in videos on social media, which means I don’t have to read difficult words in a newspaper.

“I’d much rather be told what to think by someone who is most famous for antagonising Manuel off of Fawlty Towers than by some boring old man in specs. People might listen to Chomsky more if he back-combed his hair and changed his name to ‘Noah’ which sounds cooler.”
I don't do polite so fuck yoursalf with your stupid accusations...

Right you fuckwit I will show you why you are talking out of your fat arse...

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Re: NewsThump! Private Eye and the like..
« Reply #26 on: February 24, 2016, 06:48:51 pm »
http://newsthump.com/2016/02/24/man-who-fucked-a-dead-pig-chooses-to-mock-another-mans-suit/

Man who fucked a dead pig chooses to mock another man’s suit

A man who fucked a dead pig’s face has today decided that mocking people for not having an expensive suit is a perfectly legitimate thing to do.

Prime minister David Cameron chose PMQs to lambast Jeremy Corbyn for not having suits handmade by Savile Row tailors, despite having put his penis inside a dead pig.

As one Conservative source explained, “As has been said before, what did or did not happen with that dead pig is not something that should be discussed in public.

“But the fact that Jeremy Corbyn’s suits look incredibly cheap is something the nation needs to know about, and should be roundly mocked at every possible opportunity.

“Just ask yourself, what is more important; the leader of the opposition buying an ill-fitting suit off the peg, or the prime minister putting his penis in the mouth of a dead pig?

“You might say that neither issue is important, and you might be right, but we would assert that tailoring is an extremely important aspect of someone’s electability and the prime minister was right to bring this important issue to the attention of the public.”

Labour supporter Simon Williams said he was excited by the promise of PMQs becoming less about the issues, and more about personality and appearance.

He said, “If Cameron wants the opposition to smarten up, then I hope that next week the entire shadow cabinet is wearing tailored suits and pig masks.

“Though it might be a bit awkward when those on the government side all get erections.”
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Re: NewsThump! Private Eye and the like..
« Reply #27 on: February 25, 2016, 07:52:28 pm »
I'd love it, just love it, if right at the start of the next PMQs the entire opposition benches asides from Corbyn and the shadow cabinet put on pig masks and made "oink oink" noises every time Cameron opened his trap.  But of course they wont because it's just too Tory a thing to do...
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Re: NewsThump! Private Eye and the like..
« Reply #28 on: March 11, 2016, 08:26:00 am »
http://newsthump.com/2014/12/31/toddler-shooting-tragedies-could-be-prevented-by-arming-2-year-olds-insist-nra-2/

Toddler shooting tragedies could be prevented by arming 2 year-olds, insist NRA

After a two-year old tragically shot his mother using her legally concealed weapon, the NRA have insisted such tragedies could be prevented if all two-year olds were given their own guns.

The incident took place in Idaho in the US, where children are forced to wait until their 8th or 9th birthday before being given a gun of their own.

The NRA have been quick to offer a solution to such tragic incidents, insisting there is only one way to prevent them in future.

NRA spokesperson Wayne LaPierre  explained, “It might have been an accident, but would this toddler have reached into his mother’s bag for a gun if he had already been holding his own gun? Almost certainly not.”

“If the toddler had pointed his own gun at his mother, she would still have had her own gun at hand and would have been able to defend herself, saving an American life right there.”

“Some in the liberal media would say targeting a small handgun called ‘My First handgun’ at children as young as two is dangerous, but I would say the only danger is not targeting them younger.”

“Once again a disarmed American is killed in an incident that could have been prevented had there been more guns available.”

NRA shooting solution

Idaho residents have called the dangerous lack of guns in their young child’s livesan ‘accident waiting to happen’, whilst gun manufacturers have announced a new toddler line being added to their range this summer.

Gun salesman Chuck Williams told us, “You know, ‘My First Handgun’ is great product for the first grader, but it’s too big and bulky for your average kindergarten attendee.”

“We’re working on a new design that comes in baby pink that fits nicely in the palm of your average baby.”

“You don’t even need to be able to walk in order to be able to use it.”

“God bless America!”
Quote from: tubby on Today at 12:45:53 pm

They both went in high, that's factually correct, both tried to play the ball at height.  Doku with his foot, Mac Allister with his chest.

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Re: NewsThump! Private Eye and the like..
« Reply #29 on: March 11, 2016, 08:27:06 am »
http://newsthump.com/2016/03/03/psychiatric-hospitals-filling-up-with-time-travellers-sent-back-to-kill-donald-trump/

Psychiatric hospitals filling up with time travellers sent back to kill Donald Trump

Psychiatric facilities across the United States are at breaking point after the number of people claiming to be sent from the future to stop Donald Trump reached epidemic proportions.

New research has shown that every ten minutes someone claiming to the from the future sent back to save humanity is admitted to a hospital somewhere in the US.

Dr Simon Williams told us, “We’re struggling to cope to be honest. We’re constantly booking people in who’ve been arrested before telling police they are on a secret mission from the future, and have to save the world.

“It used to be ‘I’m Napoleon’ – but not any more.

“To say you’ve been sent from the future to stop Donald Trump is a very unusual psychological delusion, especially to be suffered by so many people, with such a similar stated aim.

“They all say the same thing, they come from a future of riots, war, famine, the collapse of civilised society, and then being sent back to ‘make it all right’.

“I mean, it’s almost like they’re telling the truth and for some unknown reason the future is getting increasingly desperate to stop the rise of Donald Trump and the end of the world he will inevitably bring about.

“He can’t be that bad, can he?”
Quote from: tubby on Today at 12:45:53 pm

They both went in high, that's factually correct, both tried to play the ball at height.  Doku with his foot, Mac Allister with his chest.

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Re: NewsThump! Private Eye and the like..
« Reply #30 on: March 11, 2016, 08:38:26 am »
http://newsthump.com/2016/03/08/goths-lose-their-shit-after-scientists-discover-colour-darker-than-black/

Goths lose their shit after scientists discover colour darker than black

The discovery of the darkest substance ever by scientists has led to goths collectively losing their shit this morning.

Vantablack, made of microtubes which absorb more than 99.96% of light, is described as being a massive breakthrough with applications in a variety of industries including photography, art and painting your bedroom to better express the cosmic darkness within the depths of your heart.

Reports suggest that light appears to simply vanish when striking the new substance, and Goths are also demanding that it be made available as a hair dye immediately.

The inventors of Vantablack report they have been inundated with requests to use the material for making trenchcoats, long flowy frocks, stompy boots, and as the cover of a notebook used for writing angsty poetry about death.

“We regret that it will not be possible to supply cats in our new colour, so please stop asking”, said spokesman Simon Williams.

“Anyway, even if we could they’d just vanish into your Vantablack carpet and you’d keep treading on them.

“And please don’t ring us anymore about lipstick and eyeshadow because you’re dressing for an erotic funeral.

“Seriously, what is it with you people?”

A spokesman for the goth community said that Vantablack is a rubbish name, and suggest it be rebranded as ‘Black, black, black, black, number one’ immediately.
Quote from: tubby on Today at 12:45:53 pm

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Re: NewsThump! Private Eye and the like..
« Reply #31 on: March 11, 2016, 05:43:06 pm »
http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/britons-not-prejudiced-just-thick-2013091779514

Britons ‘not prejudiced, just thick’



MOST Britons are good-natured morons rather than unpleasant bigots, it has been claimed.

New research has found that most prejudice is caused by an unquestioning belief in total nonsense rather than hatred.

Sociologist Emma Bradford said: “People’s reservations about issues like gay marriage were often due to weird misconceptions, such as thinking the 1989 TV show Sticky Moments with Julian Clary was a realistic depiction of gay life.

“Views on immigration were equally confused, with many people believing immigrants now make up the entire population, something that can easily be disproved by simply going outside and looking around.

“In fact, much opposition to immigration was based on things that no one in their right mind should be bothered about anyway, such as a Polish shop replacing the local branch of Spud-U-Like, which had closed down anyway.

Bradford said she was optimistic about her findings, which suggested that many prejudices could be combatted by simple measures such as thinking about things before you decide to believe them.
Quote from: tubby on Today at 12:45:53 pm

They both went in high, that's factually correct, both tried to play the ball at height.  Doku with his foot, Mac Allister with his chest.

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Re: NewsThump! Private Eye and the like..
« Reply #32 on: March 13, 2016, 11:20:36 am »
http://newsthump.com/2016/03/13/saying-racist-things-not-racist-say-racists/

Saying racist things not racist, say racists

Racists have claimed that making unashamedly racist statements is definitely not racist, and anyone who accuses them of being racist is a racist.

Referring to all refugees as criminals, scroungers and jihadis is the highest form of patriotism and anyone objecting to the use of such language deserves to be hanged, according to non-racist Simon Williams.

“Lefties shout ‘racist’ to try to stifle the debate about which pest migrants most resemble,” he said.

“Describing migrants as cockroaches or vermin is no more racist than setting fire to the bins outside a mosque.

“And everyone knows that mosques aren’t a race, they’re a building so it can’t be racist.”

Mr Williams went on to highlight the numerous attacks he has suffered at the hands of people who don’t share his views.

“I suffer constant attacks because I’m not afraid to say what I think,” he said.

“The other day I went on the Guardian website to point out that decent dinosaurs weren’t wiped out by an asteroid but by EU freedom of movement rules that led to an intolerable strain being placed on their infrastructure by Eastern European cavemen.

“My post was deleted by a moderator because it didn’t abide by their community standards.

“I just don’t feel safe anymore.”
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Re: NewsThump! Private Eye and the like..
« Reply #33 on: March 13, 2016, 03:49:15 pm »
Wonderful.

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Re: NewsThump! Private Eye and the like..
« Reply #34 on: April 8, 2016, 09:28:40 pm »
Quote
Corbett, Daniels and Wogan beat the crap out of Jimmy Savile

Reports from the other side today indicate that Ronnie Corbett, Paul Daniels and Terry Wogan have got Jimmy Savile in a corner and are lathering the fuck out of him for ruining people’s memories of the 70s and 80s.

Savile, who thought he’d got away with it, is reported to be cowering in a pathetic heap, waving his hands and bawling “Now then…now then…” through the remnants of his cigar.

The altercation began when Ronnie Corbett took a good run up to Savile and headbutted him firmly in the groin, followed by Daniels announcing he was going to teach him a few tricks he wasn’t going to like at all and producing a length of rubber hose from up his sleeve.

Initially reluctant to join in the beating for fear of damaging his rather nice brogues, Wogan was induced to send the boot in after being reminded that he’d never be able to watch any of his favourite episodes of Top of the Pops again without cringing.

Shortly afterwards Kenny Everett turned up, cracked his knuckles meaningfully, and said something about this being in the best possible taste.

The group were well known for their charity work and it’s nice to know they’re continuing their good deeds in the next world.

The attack is being punctuated with sarcastic cries of “Goodness gracious, how’s about that then? And that. And fucking that, you twat.”

At time of writing, Alan Rickman has just arrived and asked for a spoon.

http://newsthump.com/2016/04/02/corbett-daniels-and-wogan-beat-the-crap-out-of-jimmy-savile/
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Re: NewsThump! Private Eye and the like..
« Reply #35 on: April 9, 2016, 12:11:15 pm »
http://newsthump.com/2016/04/09/none-harmed-after-imperial-stormtrooper-goes-on-two-hour-mass-shooting-rampage/

None harmed after imperial stormtrooper goes on two hour mass-shooting rampage



Reports are coming in of a mass shooting incident featuring an Imperial Stormtrooper in which nobody has been harmed.

Reports from a military base on Coruscant suggest the stormtrooper began his rampage by opening fire into the crowded commissary building, missing everyone, before moving on to firing wildly at a massed formation of troopers, once again causing no injuries.

Fellow troopers are understood to have returned fire on the shooter, with little effect.

Upon hearing the news, loved ones of fellow troopers rushed to the scene of the shooting as it was definitely the safest place to be.

The shooter, who has not yet been named, is understood to have fired hundreds of rounds into a busy public area, leaving bystanders unscathed.

The assailant was eventually brought down when law-enforcement officials tricked him into walking through a door and knocking himself out on the lintel.

The only casualty is said to be a man wearing a red shirt. Witnesses said he ‘never stood a chance’ despite being miles away and nothing to do with the incident.
Quote from: tubby on Today at 12:45:53 pm

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Re: NewsThump! Private Eye and the like..
« Reply #36 on: April 9, 2016, 12:20:29 pm »


Ha ha

Mo Ansar destroyed...
“Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.”
“Generosity always pays off. Generosity in your effort, in your work, in your kindness, in the way you look after people and take care of people. In the long run, if you are generous with a heart, and with humanity, it always pays off.”
W

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Re: NewsThump! Private Eye and the like..
« Reply #37 on: April 9, 2016, 01:13:09 pm »
http://newsthump.com/2016/04/08/brexit-campaign-leaflet-to-feature-bulgarian-plumber-raping-your-family/

Brexit campaign leaflet to feature Bulgarian plumber raping your family



The Brexit campaign has released a glossy five-page pamphlet that subtly plays on people’s migration fears.

Inside, a typical hard-working British family experience what life will be like at the hands of Eastern European sex perverts if Britain remains in the EU.

The leaflet, which cost fifty pence to produce, shows what would happen if a jobless Bulgarian plumber gained your trust and negotiated an inflated price for your bathroom renovation.

On Page 3, Vasily, a benefit-claiming plumber from Sofia, forces himself on your partially sighted grandmother before working his way down the age group.

Leading Brexit campaigner, Simon Williams, said, “Vasily’s sexual appetite becomes enraged after he loses a spanner.

“He also makes a botched job of the grouting, which he tries to cover up with paint.

“We could have made it for less than fifty pence, but we had to use a colour printer for the brown faces.”

On Page 4, Vasily is joined by fellow rapists Dimitri the Romanian tiling expert and Ratko, a genocidal Kosovan power shower enthusiast.

Williams went on, “Lots of ordinary, decent hardworking Britons think Kosovo is a lovely country full of meerkats.

“The truth is it’s full of jobless murderers who want to bum sex your niece.

“We’re not allowed to depict that due to some insane EU obscenity law that Ratko knows only too well how to exploit.

“It’s one rule for Ratko and another for your traumatized relatives.”

Last night leading Brexiters shouted down claims that the leaflet is racist.

“How can this be racist? The Romanian rapist we used on Page 4 isn’t even a gypo.”
Quote from: tubby on Today at 12:45:53 pm

They both went in high, that's factually correct, both tried to play the ball at height.  Doku with his foot, Mac Allister with his chest.

Offline Andy @ Allerton!

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Re: NewsThump! Private Eye and the like..
« Reply #38 on: April 17, 2016, 11:26:33 am »
http://newsthump.com/2016/04/17/thousands-of-anti-austerity-protesters-ignored-as-royals-sit-on-a-bench/

Thousands of anti-austerity protesters ignored as Royals sit on a bench

150,000 protesters calling for an end to the government’s austerity measures have been overlooked by the media in favour of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge sitting on a bench.

The royal couple, who routinely fail to do anything of any significance, relevance or interest, smiled and said some words out of their mouths.

The bench that Prince William and the other one sat on has also been sat on by a royal woman in the nineties.

Meanwhile, 150,000 protesters who gathered to express their anger at cuts to public services received fewer column inches than a man who is in charge of press regulation dating a dominatrix.

One protester who’d had a bath and is in full-time employment, said: “I can’t sit by while this government destroys our public services and attacks the most vulnerable people in society.”

“We have to make a stand,” said another protester who, unlike Prince William, wasn’t wearing chinos and a blue blazer while the other one shone in a dress designed by Naeem Khan.

Fears that further protests will go unnoticed increased after reports surfaced of a former soap actor shitting into a traffic cone.
Quote from: tubby on Today at 12:45:53 pm

They both went in high, that's factually correct, both tried to play the ball at height.  Doku with his foot, Mac Allister with his chest.

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Re: NewsThump! Private Eye and the like..
« Reply #39 on: April 17, 2016, 12:46:30 pm »
http://newsthump.com/2016/04/16/americans-would-never-share-sovereignty-claims-man-unaware-of-united-states/

Americans would never share sovereignty, claims man unaware of ‘United States’

Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson has claimed Americans would never cede their sovereignty, seemingly unaware that the US is made of up 50 states brought together into one economic entity.

With President Obama expected in the UK next week, Johnson is worried he might decide to support the other side in the EU referendum debate, insisting it would ‘hypocritical’ for him to do so.

Johnson told reporters, “Barack Obama would be a massive hypocrite if he suggested we should stay in the EU.

“You would never see American people from all over that country wanting to come together and become united within a larger organisation, in order to have a greater influence on the world stage, would you.

“It’s simply unthinkable that they would then be bound by laws and rules from that central organisation, and be happy being told which laws they can make in their own region.

“It just wouldn’t happen. Never.”

Johnson was then introduced to a map of the United States of America, and a short infographic explaining the concept of the individual states becoming ‘united’, doing precisely the thing he said they would never do.

He concluded, “Well, that’s exactly my point. Is anyone seriously suggesting that Utah wouldn’t be a major player on the world stage if they left the United States?

“Of course not, they’d still be a global force, obviously.”
Quote from: tubby on Today at 12:45:53 pm

They both went in high, that's factually correct, both tried to play the ball at height.  Doku with his foot, Mac Allister with his chest.