Author Topic: Army call centre  (Read 2308 times)

Offline Monkey Red

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Army call centre
« on: June 19, 2008, 04:36:33 pm »
Just had this sent at work.  ;D


Thank you for calling the British Army. I'm sorry, but all our units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with your country, name of organisation, the region, the specific crisis and a number at which we can call you. As soon as we have sorted out Kosovo, Bosnia, Macedonia, Serbia, Iraq, Afghanistan, Northern Ireland, Sierra Leone, The Congo, marching up and down bits of tarmac in London and compulsory health and safety at work training, we will return your call.

Please speak after the tone or, if you require more options, listen to the following numbers:

a. If your crisis is small and close to the sea, press 1 for the Royal Marines.

b. If your concern is distant, with a tropical climate, good hotels and can be solved by one or two low-risk bombing runs, please press 2 for the Royal Air Force. (Please note that this service is not available after 1630 or at weekends.)

c. If your enquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a warship, some bunting, flags, a damn good cocktail party and a first class marching band, please write, well in advance, to the First Sea Lord, The Royal Navy, Whitehall, London SW1.

Thank you for calling and if you are interested in joining the Army (please, please, please, although retention is fine and we are right up to strength) and wish to be liberalised yet paradoxically AGAI'd, paid little, have premature Arthritis, put your wife and family (or gay lover) in a condemned hut miles from civilisation; and are prepared to work your balls off day and night whilst watching the Treasury eroding your original terms and conditions and promising a better pension , serving mainly in sandy climes, or picking up rubbish and putting out house fires all over the UK, while fireman and binmen have a little holiday; then please stay on the line. Your call will shortly be passed onto a bitter, passed-over Recruiting Sergeant in a horrendously fronted, yet grotty little office down by the railway station.

Have a nice day and thank you again for trying to contact The British Army



'It'll whisper to them of Liverpools five glorious European Cup victories"

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Re: Army call centre
« Reply #1 on: June 19, 2008, 04:49:50 pm »
b is exactly why I joined the RAF. ;)


The only Armed Force that sends the Officers into battle and keeps the troops at home. :P

Offline BIGdavalad

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Re: Army call centre
« Reply #2 on: June 19, 2008, 05:49:49 pm »
:lmao Hadn't seen the updated one



DEFENCE BULLYING REPORT - RAF Worst of the Three Services

A recent report by the Equal Opportunities Audit Team has found that allegations of "a culture of widespread bullying and brutality" within the British Forces are, in the most part, unfounded. The audit team, which travelled to every Defence establishment across the UK and abroad and interviewed staff from all three services, found surprisingly few cases of unfair treatment and bullying within the Army and Navy.

When it came to the Airforce, however, the report told a different story. Complaints to the EOAT came from a total of 13,555 RAF members, compared with three from Navy and just one from Army.

While this statistic is alarming in its own right, it becomes horrific when one considers that each complaint represents a sad story of abuse, mistreatment and neglect. As one senior RAF officer put it, "Each story is, in itself, a sad indictment on the RAF. When taken as a whole, however, they demonstrate a reprehensible lack of regard for personnel on the part of RAF managers at all levels."

One young pilot told of having to spend two nights in tented accommodation, despite the fact that there was an empty five-star hotel just 1km away.

Another said that he had been forced to endure a gruelling fitness test every year since he joined in 1997.

One airwoman alleged that she had been overlooked for promotion on numerous occasions, simply because she was fat, lazy and stupid.

Shockingly, RAF Senior Ranks are also subject to mistreatment. One SNCO Flight Sergeant stated, "I was deeply upset when I was addressed as 'Flight Sergeant' by an officer. He knew my name was Robert. It was just horrible - I have never been more humiliated in my life." In response a senior RAF officer stated, "the officer in question has been moved on..."

A number of personnel complained of having to attend courses that were not relevant to their jobs, such as rigorous ground combat courses and drawn-out lectures on occupational health and safety. To add insult to injury, a young corporal was even ordered to pack up chairs in the classroom after one such course.

The huge backlash against treatment of Air Force personnel should provide senior officers with a vital clue with regard to the massive retention problems experienced by the RAF in recent times. Over the past two years, Defence has spent some £19.8 million looking into the issue.

Not all of the Air Force's hierarchy, however, were upset by the revelations. Said outgoing Chief of the Air Staff, Air Chief Marshal Sir Errol Flynn, KCB CBE DSO ADC BSc(Eng) FRAeS RAF, "I'm delighted with the result. I am very happy that our retention problems are due, in the most part at least, to something as harmless as bullying. I thought everyone was leaving because of me."
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Offline Welshred

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Re: Army call centre
« Reply #3 on: June 19, 2008, 06:19:42 pm »
:lmao both of those are superb

Offline Monkey Red

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Re: Army call centre
« Reply #4 on: June 19, 2008, 06:29:31 pm »
 :lmao Still have to chuckle at that every time I see it!
'It'll whisper to them of Liverpools five glorious European Cup victories"

Online rob1966

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Re: Army call centre
« Reply #5 on: June 19, 2008, 07:01:57 pm »
 :lmao

Gonna tell my nephew to forget about Sandhurst and join the RAF instead. ;D
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Offline AndyInVA

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Re: Army call centre
« Reply #6 on: June 19, 2008, 09:53:08 pm »
I honestly thought the RAF one was real until I got about 2/3 through.

I used to be in the RAF and did my time and Cranwell and then coming out and joining the TA.

Bullying is rife is the army and it doesnt get reported as they are too shit scared.

One of the amazing unreported truths in military life is lesbian bullying

female NCO's routinely abuse their priveledges to get female recruits to go through with what they want

all senior ranks are men and dont want to face the proble,

apart from that gem

these are hilarious

I almost joined the army in 94 and spent six weeks in Berlin with the engineers

all the guys i liked were getting out and most had been away from home 11 months in the last 12

it was tough even back then and it has only gotten worse

tough job

I have a lot of respect for all on oeprations

Offline BIGdavalad

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Re: Army call centre
« Reply #7 on: June 19, 2008, 09:54:38 pm »
Bullying is rife is the army and it doesnt get reported as they are too shit scared.

No it's not

One of the amazing unreported truths in military life is lesbian bullying

female NCO's routinely abuse their priveledges to get female recruits to go through with what they want

It happens, but it certainly isn't 'routine'.

all senior ranks are men and dont want to face the proble,

No they're not.
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Offline BSBW

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Re: Army call centre
« Reply #8 on: June 20, 2008, 05:37:35 am »
The Army one should have an amendment "Many have now fucked off to the Aussie Army for an improvement in pay, conditions, terms of service and an overall better life style"

There are loads of us here and more inbound.  G'Day mates!
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Offline ollick

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Re: Army call centre
« Reply #9 on: June 20, 2008, 11:37:28 am »
I honestly thought the RAF one was real until I got about 2/3 through.

I used to be in the RAF and did my time and Cranwell and then coming out and joining the TA.

Bullying is rife is the army and it doesnt get reported as they are too shit scared.

One of the amazing unreported truths in military life is lesbian bullying

female NCO's routinely abuse their priveledges to get female recruits to go through with what they want

all senior ranks are men and dont want to face the proble,


What a load of utter rubbish.
Why do people quote other people for the sigs?  What' the point?

Offline AndyInVA

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Re: Army call centre
« Reply #10 on: June 20, 2008, 04:35:28 pm »
Bullying of the weaker members of a troop or platoon was prevalent in every single unit I ever had any association with

The brutality was hardest with the troops closest to the front line

NCOs would hand out bull shit details and threats on a regular basis

the army is a pretty tough and demanding environment and shirkers are not suffered easily

I am purely talking from experience

also

just about every girl I have known from both UK and US forces has directly known some lesbian who has tried it on with some else they knew. Usually the weaker younger members of the barracks or accomodation

Offline Monkey Red

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Re: Army call centre
« Reply #11 on: June 20, 2008, 04:38:21 pm »
The Army one should have an amendment "Many have now fucked off to the Aussie Army for an improvement in pay, conditions, terms of service and an overall better life style"

There are loads of us here and more inbound.  G'Day mates!
How is life treating you out there?
'It'll whisper to them of Liverpools five glorious European Cup victories"

Offline Monkey Red

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Re: Army call centre
« Reply #12 on: June 20, 2008, 04:41:00 pm »
Bullying of the weaker members of a troop or platoon was prevalent in every single unit I ever had any association with

The brutality was hardest with the troops closest to the front line

NCOs would hand out bull shit details and threats on a regular basis

the army is a pretty tough and demanding environment and shirkers are not suffered easily

I am purely talking from experience

also

just about every girl I have known from both UK and US forces has directly known some lesbian who has tried it on with some else they knew. Usually the weaker younger members of the barracks or accomodation
Bullying is rife in every walk of life, not just in the Army. But, I can honestly say from experience that any case of bullying nowadays is treated as a priority by the Military Police and the Regiments in question.
'It'll whisper to them of Liverpools five glorious European Cup victories"

Offline BIGdavalad

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Re: Army call centre
« Reply #13 on: June 20, 2008, 05:34:24 pm »
Bullying of the weaker members of a troop or platoon was prevalent in every single unit I ever had any association with

In the TA? Or during your time with the Engrs?

The brutality was hardest with the troops closest to the front line

Again - is that from your time in the TA or your attachment with the Engrs?

NCOs would hand out bull shit details and threats on a regular basis

That is kind of their job.

the army is a pretty tough and demanding environment and shirkers are not suffered easily

True.

just about every girl I have known from both UK and US forces has directly known some lesbian who has tried it on with some else they knew. Usually the weaker younger members of the barracks or accomodation

I'd imagine just about every girl in the UK (and probably US) forces has had a male soldier try it on with her too. There's a difference between trying it on and using senior rank to force them into something. Again, was that your experience in the TA or the regular Army?



Please don't think that I'm trying to cause an argument here - I'm genuinely interested in your experiences, if you don't mind me asking about them.
« Last Edit: June 20, 2008, 05:42:52 pm by BIGdavalad »
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Offline 6TIMES champions OF europe

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Re: Army call centre
« Reply #14 on: June 20, 2008, 05:46:10 pm »
:lmao
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Offline ollick

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Re: Army call centre
« Reply #15 on: June 20, 2008, 07:03:22 pm »
Bullying of the weaker members of a troop or platoon was prevalent in every single unit I ever had any association with

The brutality was hardest with the troops closest to the front line

NCOs would hand out bull shit details and threats on a regular basis

the army is a pretty tough and demanding environment and shirkers are not suffered easily

I am purely talking from experience

also

just about every girl I have known from both UK and US forces has directly known some lesbian who has tried it on with some else they knew. Usually the weaker younger members of the barracks or accomodation

Hang on a minute you were in the RAF and then the Territorials (I'm guessing RAF?) so, with the greatest respect, what exposure to the Regular Army (not Armed Forces) have you had? and what do you mean by associations? read about them in book? seen them on telly? bought their t-shirt off e-bay, what do you actually mean?

And can I just ask, did you report every incident of bullying and lesbian harassment that you encountered? I'm pretty sure Cranwell is the RAF equivilent of the Royal Military Academy Sandhurst, so as a commissioned officer what did you do about these incidents? Not meaning to be overly aggressive you just sound like you stood back and did nothing.

In my 12 years service, as a soldier (who was bullied by his Det Sgt) then as a commissioned officer I have only ever heard of one case of lesbian harassment and that was at RMAS itself, nothing, nothing in the actual field army and at a rough estimate I've worked with 100-150 females during that time, of which only 3 were openly lesbian, that's someone who's been on 4 operational tours in 3 countries (as well as Germany, Cyprus, Canada, Falklands) been a Platoon Commander at a Phase One training establishment and in my finally post was an Adjutant of a Divisional Signal Regiment.

I'm sorry but I can't help get the feeling that you're a Walter Mitty type aren't you.

just about every girl I have known from both UK and US forces has directly known some lesbian who has tried it on with some else they knew. Usually the weaker younger members of the barracks or accomodation

So you claim every girl you know in the Armed Forces knows someone who's had 'it tried on' by a lesbian however, that's not harassment is it? At least in the case of pinning them to a shower wall naked and staring at their breasts (as was the case at RMAS) I am also VERY sceptical of your claims that it's not your actual friends, just people they know, how convenient for you................

Off hand I wonder what the % of females in the Army is, what % of them are lesbians, what % of them are bullies etc, etc, etc.  Ahhh mole hill, let's make a mountain.

In the TA? Or during your time with the Engrs?



I almost joined the army in 94 and spent six weeks in Berlin with the engineers


He wasn't in the Army, he did a 6 week Fam Visit in 1994, with the Engineers, poor chap.
« Last Edit: June 20, 2008, 07:14:30 pm by ollick »
Why do people quote other people for the sigs?  What' the point?

Offline AndyInVA

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Re: Army call centre
« Reply #16 on: June 20, 2008, 07:56:21 pm »
I did four years in the regular RAF (commissioned) in UK and Germany

Came out into the TA in Scotland after not going into the regular Army. I was offered a short service commission with the RE but didnt take it.

I did a 6 week detachment to 40 Berlin Field Squadron on a big exercise in Holland before leaving the RAF. I was attached as a troop commander as I am civil engineer

Did 2 years in the TA before coming to the States. Combat Engineers Troop Commander (Army) and then Reconaisance Troop Commander with a unit in London.

i dont know that I see myself as a Walter Mitty type

I dont have your impressive military CV Ollick, but I saw what I saw

I did absolutely stand back when I saw basic NCO bullying going on in the early 90's. Back then it was treated as commonpalce and just part of the accepted job description. I did see a guards corporal knock a guy down with his fist after a exercise after two kids had fucked up. There was no way in the world was I going to get into the Guards chain of command.

another guards officer we bunked with told us he thumped a sergeant in the face after the guy landed some rounds close to him during a live firing exercise

The lesbian harrasment I heard about was bar talk from girls I met.

It was something that really blew me away as I had never even heard about and tyet the girls that told me about it told me it was commonplace. Arse touching. Senior NCOs trying to get immature girls to go along with what they wanted

I was a young officer at the time and never reported a single thing that I saw. No senior officer above ever reported anything either

Except once now that I think about

some RAF officer touched a female officer on the leg in the bar and she reported it. I ended up giving a statement to the MPs

i wasnt making mountains from mole hills it was just one of thsoe things that I never imagined went on

we all know about NCOs shouting yelling and screaming at young recuits, but when I heard about the lesbian thing it just really shocked me


Offline BIGdavalad

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Re: Army call centre
« Reply #17 on: June 20, 2008, 08:10:05 pm »
Did 2 years in the TA before coming to the States. Combat Engineers Troop Commander (Army) and then Reconaisance Troop Commander with a unit in London.

Christ, you weren't HAC were you?

I did see a guards corporal knock a guy down with his fist after a exercise after two kids had fucked up.

So? Bet they never did it again.

another guards officer we bunked with told us he thumped a sergeant in the face after the guy landed some rounds close to him during a live firing exercise

I don't blame him. I'd have done the same.

The lesbian harrasment I heard about was bar talk from girls I met.

It was something that really blew me away as I had never even heard about and tyet the girls that told me about it told me it was commonplace. Arse touching. Senior NCOs trying to get immature girls to go along with what they wanted

In ten years (up to now) service, I'm aware of one place where there have been 'aggressive' lesbians, and the problem was dealt with pretty swiftly and resulted in two careers being ended. It almost happened in one other place and that resulted in a smashed cheekbone for the potential 'Queen Bee'. Strangely it never happened again.

I was a young officer at the time and never reported a single thing that I saw.

Then, with respect, maybe it's for the best that you no longer hold the Queen's Commission

some RAF officer touched a female officer on the leg in the bar and she reported it. I ended up giving a statement to the MPs

She sounds like a right laugh. I must say though, I'm shocked to hear about an RAF officer who's interested in women.
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Offline AndyInVA

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Re: Army call centre
« Reply #18 on: June 20, 2008, 08:22:14 pm »
I really dont give a hoot if you wish to sit in judgement as to my suitability to hold the queens commission. I find that reasonably offensive

It still sits on my wall

Im quite proud of it

I didnt respond to this thread to justify my service

think what you like

I really dont care

Offline ollick

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Re: Army call centre
« Reply #19 on: June 20, 2008, 08:27:50 pm »
I really dont give a hoot if you wish to sit in judgement as to my suitability to hold the queens commission. I find that reasonably offensive

It still sits on my wall

Im quite proud of it

I didnt respond to this thread to justify my service

think what you like

I really dont care


You've got an RAF Commission, did it come in one of these????

 :P




Why do people quote other people for the sigs?  What' the point?

Offline AndyInVA

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Re: Army call centre
« Reply #20 on: June 20, 2008, 08:30:24 pm »
no it didnt come in one of those

I had to get six box tops and send off for it


Offline ollick

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Re: Army call centre
« Reply #21 on: June 20, 2008, 08:30:34 pm »
AndyinVA, thanks for replying though really.

All I really will say is that the Army of the 90's is nothing like the Army of the 00's. Equal Opportunities, Sexual Harrasment and all sorts of Service Tests are now in place to combat bullying and harrasment be they down to gender, sexual orientation, religion, age, anything.

I would imagine that being a Potential Officer on attachment things would have been difficult for you but not every officer and NCO condones bullying or harrasment, I know I wouldn't as an officer (now ex) and BIGdavalad, as a NCO, wouldn't either.  You do have to remember that there is a difference between endangering someones life or being incompetant and just being an easy target.

As an officer I have a perverse respect for an officer with the gonads to punch a Sergeant, I wouldn't!!!!!

no it didnt come in one of those

I had to get six box tops and send off for it



Bravo!!!!


I have to say, I've shagged alot of female RAF officers.
Why do people quote other people for the sigs?  What' the point?

Offline AndyInVA

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Re: Army call centre
« Reply #22 on: June 20, 2008, 08:36:11 pm »
the guy in question was pretty impressive

I think he was either a long time Lt or a junior captain ad he said the sgt was a real gob shite who didnt seem to take care he almost put a round into the guys foot

I wasnt a POC I was a commissioned RAF officer at the time and I was given a real troop with a seasoned staff sgt to keep things under control when I was in Germany

At the time we were the last unit of regular army to have 7.62s and we had mountains of ammo to use


Offline AndyInVA

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Re: Army call centre
« Reply #23 on: June 20, 2008, 08:38:20 pm »
I did shag a female army int officer

and it was excellent

she was the only army person I ever met who didnt talk about work

Offline ollick

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Re: Army call centre
« Reply #24 on: June 20, 2008, 08:49:39 pm »
the guy in question was pretty impressive

I think he was either a long time Lt or a junior captain ad he said the sgt was a real gob shite who didnt seem to take care he almost put a round into the guys foot

I wasnt a POC I was a commissioned RAF officer at the time and I was given a real troop with a seasoned staff sgt to keep things under control when I was in Germany

At the time we were the last unit of regular army to have 7.62s and we had mountains of ammo to use


Wasn't the WRAC or whatever still around then?

That my explain a concentration of lesbians perhaps, anyone know the plural of lesbians?

"A strap-on of lesbians"

"A quim of lesbians"

Who knows.

Having worked very closely with the green slime myself I can confirm that they are, in general, a dirty breed of women.
Why do people quote other people for the sigs?  What' the point?

Offline AndyInVA

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Re: Army call centre
« Reply #25 on: June 20, 2008, 08:52:46 pm »
i think it went from WRAC to AGC at the time although Im pretty sure she was badged as Int Corp

she was in the old photo interpretation section which got renamed intelligence as it wasnt considerd sexy enough and they had a hard time recruiting

Offline ollick

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Re: Army call centre
« Reply #26 on: June 20, 2008, 08:59:53 pm »
I joined in 94 and don't remember the WRAC being around, though I was too busy getting beasted!!!!
Why do people quote other people for the sigs?  What' the point?