Post-match interview from PhaseOfPlay:
"I'd like to congratulate Viva's team on their result. If they were twice as good as us, then we were half as good as double the square root of the cosine of Salah's fat arse. I thought the lads did fairly well, but once the crowd started laughing at Kevin's perm, his confidence was shot. I thought that the VAR decision was suspect, especially as they were watching an episode of Coronation Street, and one of the offside lines on it was actually a streak of Chicken Korma sauce that splashed onto the screen. I also would like the FA to look into the wheelbarrows of brown envelopes that Viva was spotted bringing into the ref's locker room before the game.
In the face of today's result, I have offered my resignation to the board.
They said 'Who are you?'
I think that says it all"