Author Topic: Jokes so bad they're punny  (Read 670354 times)

Offline Tesco tearaway

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3560 on: October 18, 2019, 12:06:58 pm »
Man phones up his missus and says "I'm just leaving work; would you like me to pick up Fish and Chips on the way home?"
He was met with a stony silence.
"Look" he says "It's your own fault for letting me name the twins."
If your moral compass is Piers Moron then I ask you to think whether someone who oversaw illegal phone hacking and published fake pictures depicting War Crimes is an appropriate person to look up to. In fact, I'd suggest you're a bit of a c*nt.

Offline Tesco tearaway

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3561 on: October 18, 2019, 12:09:28 pm »
What's brown and sits on a wall?

Humpty Dump.
If your moral compass is Piers Moron then I ask you to think whether someone who oversaw illegal phone hacking and published fake pictures depicting War Crimes is an appropriate person to look up to. In fact, I'd suggest you're a bit of a c*nt.

Offline Son of Spion

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3562 on: October 18, 2019, 12:18:42 pm »
Tesco is on form today.  ;D
The light that burns twice as bright, burns half as long, and you've burned so very, very brightly, Jürgen.

Offline 24/7

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3563 on: October 18, 2019, 12:26:37 pm »
Tesco is on form today.  ;D
Every little helps......

Offline Son of Spion

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3564 on: October 18, 2019, 12:35:30 pm »
The light that burns twice as bright, burns half as long, and you've burned so very, very brightly, Jürgen.

Offline afc tukrish

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3565 on: October 18, 2019, 01:00:10 pm »
Everyone in our street wears woolen jumpers that are a size too small.
We're a very tight-knit community.

Fucking awful...  :lmao
Since haste quite Schorsch, but Liverpool are genuine fight pigs...

Offline 24/7

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3566 on: October 18, 2019, 01:20:21 pm »
Fucking awful...  :lmao
Did that one needle? Are you cross? Feeling stitched up, la?

Offline Son of Spion

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3567 on: October 18, 2019, 01:23:14 pm »
Did that one needle? Are you cross? Feeling stitched up, la?
I've just cottoned on. I feel a right knit now.  :-[
The light that burns twice as bright, burns half as long, and you've burned so very, very brightly, Jürgen.

Offline 24/7

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3568 on: October 18, 2019, 01:24:05 pm »
I've just cottoned on. I feel a right knit now.  :-[
Sheepish, you might say.....

Offline Son of Spion

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3569 on: October 18, 2019, 01:30:01 pm »
Sheepish, you might say.....
Well, I've just been fleeced in the supermarket, so yes.

I also thought Alan Shearer was a good player.
The light that burns twice as bright, burns half as long, and you've burned so very, very brightly, Jürgen.

Offline afc tukrish

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3570 on: October 18, 2019, 01:44:26 pm »
Did that one needle? Are you cross? Feeling stitched up, la?

Pulled the wool over my eyes, I suppose...
Since haste quite Schorsch, but Liverpool are genuine fight pigs...

Offline soxfan

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3571 on: October 18, 2019, 01:51:49 pm »
I sweater God if I hear one more fabric pun I'll scream. :no
“Do not intermingle with people who act like 'they know it all'. If you do, you will wind up as lost and lonely as they are.”
― Christine Szymanski

Offline IgorBobbins

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3572 on: October 18, 2019, 02:04:14 pm »
This thread  ::)

Offline dudleyred

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3573 on: October 18, 2019, 02:39:37 pm »
Nylon impossible not to be impressed with some of these

Offline I've been a good boy

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3574 on: October 18, 2019, 02:55:55 pm »
I sweater God if I hear one more fabric pun I'll scream. :no
Zip it you.

Offline 24/7

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3575 on: October 18, 2019, 03:44:30 pm »
I sweater God if I hear one more fabric pun I'll scream. :no
My girlfriend just said that so I had to rinse my pun maker just to softener up a bit...

Offline Medellin

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3576 on: October 18, 2019, 03:47:23 pm »
Everyone in our street wears woolen jumpers that are a size too small.
We're a very tight-knit community.

Baa'd.  :'(

I bet they make illegal ewe turns in your street too.
Support the team,Trust & Believe.

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3577 on: October 18, 2019, 03:50:15 pm »
It's always interesting to see how people flock here when there's a punfest happening...

Offline afc tukrish

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3578 on: October 18, 2019, 04:02:10 pm »
It's always interesting to see how people flock here when there's a punfest happening...

A flock of glee-gulls?
Since haste quite Schorsch, but Liverpool are genuine fight pigs...

Offline Brian Blessed

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3579 on: October 18, 2019, 04:32:29 pm »
Hmm, these puns are quite tricky. For some you have to have...what’s the word...erm...ah, guile.
Anyone else being strangely drawn to Dion Dublin's nipples?

Offline Son of Spion

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3580 on: October 18, 2019, 06:37:19 pm »
I think I've just been behind the Scouse Vincent Van Gogh in the queue for the till in Waterstones.

The assistant said "would you like a bag for your purchase?"

He said "no thanks, I've got one ear."
The light that burns twice as bright, burns half as long, and you've burned so very, very brightly, Jürgen.

Offline Tesco tearaway

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3581 on: October 18, 2019, 08:42:50 pm »
I bought Neil Diamond's old Volvo on Ebay.
It was a Swede car on-line...
If your moral compass is Piers Moron then I ask you to think whether someone who oversaw illegal phone hacking and published fake pictures depicting War Crimes is an appropriate person to look up to. In fact, I'd suggest you're a bit of a c*nt.

Online Crosby Nick

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3582 on: October 18, 2019, 08:45:09 pm »
I bought Neil Diamond's old Volvo on Ebay.
It was a Swede car on-line...

Boom! :D

Offline Tesco tearaway

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3583 on: October 18, 2019, 08:47:22 pm »
Just got sacked from my job as a dishwasher.
I kept putting the plates and bowls in the wrong order.
The boss reckons I'm Dishlexic.
If your moral compass is Piers Moron then I ask you to think whether someone who oversaw illegal phone hacking and published fake pictures depicting War Crimes is an appropriate person to look up to. In fact, I'd suggest you're a bit of a c*nt.

Offline Tesco tearaway

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3584 on: October 18, 2019, 08:48:54 pm »
What do you say to your sister when she’s sobbing her eyes out?
“Are you having a crisis?"
If your moral compass is Piers Moron then I ask you to think whether someone who oversaw illegal phone hacking and published fake pictures depicting War Crimes is an appropriate person to look up to. In fact, I'd suggest you're a bit of a c*nt.

Offline Tesco tearaway

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3585 on: October 18, 2019, 08:51:17 pm »
I used to be in a Billy Ocean tribute act.
But I quit when the going got tough.
If your moral compass is Piers Moron then I ask you to think whether someone who oversaw illegal phone hacking and published fake pictures depicting War Crimes is an appropriate person to look up to. In fact, I'd suggest you're a bit of a c*nt.

Online Mumm-Ra

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3586 on: October 18, 2019, 08:51:59 pm »
A woman walks into a bank with a fifty pound note stuck in each ear, and asks to see the manager.
The cashier goes to the managers office and says...
"There's a woman to see you; she's £100 in arrears."



Did an audible titter at that one  ;D

Offline Tesco tearaway

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3587 on: October 18, 2019, 09:08:34 pm »
The Dalai Lama went to the dentist to have a tooth out.
The dentist asked him "Do you want Novocaine?"
"No thanks." The Dalai Lama replied... "I am able to transcend dental medication."
If your moral compass is Piers Moron then I ask you to think whether someone who oversaw illegal phone hacking and published fake pictures depicting War Crimes is an appropriate person to look up to. In fact, I'd suggest you're a bit of a c*nt.

Online Only Me

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3588 on: October 18, 2019, 09:09:37 pm »
Probably shouldn’t admit to this on here.

Was walking past Goodison earlier, and I noticed that several dozen blue shite protesters had nailed their season tickets to the ground in disgust.

Sorry to say but I took all of them.

Well you can never have too many nails..

Offline Tesco tearaway

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3589 on: October 18, 2019, 09:11:35 pm »
I put all my old dogging magazines on eBay the other day.
I've not got any bids yet; but I have got 15 watchers.
If your moral compass is Piers Moron then I ask you to think whether someone who oversaw illegal phone hacking and published fake pictures depicting War Crimes is an appropriate person to look up to. In fact, I'd suggest you're a bit of a c*nt.

Offline Tesco tearaway

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3590 on: October 18, 2019, 09:16:33 pm »
My wife told me I should be more affectionate.
So I got myself two girlfriends.
If your moral compass is Piers Moron then I ask you to think whether someone who oversaw illegal phone hacking and published fake pictures depicting War Crimes is an appropriate person to look up to. In fact, I'd suggest you're a bit of a c*nt.

Offline Tesco tearaway

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3591 on: October 18, 2019, 09:17:22 pm »
A man has collapsed while riding the London Eye.
Paramedics say he is slowly coming round.
If your moral compass is Piers Moron then I ask you to think whether someone who oversaw illegal phone hacking and published fake pictures depicting War Crimes is an appropriate person to look up to. In fact, I'd suggest you're a bit of a c*nt.

Offline Tesco tearaway

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3592 on: October 18, 2019, 09:19:46 pm »
I have a medical condition which means I can smell coconuts from 100 metres away.
My 1st job was as a bounty hunter.
If your moral compass is Piers Moron then I ask you to think whether someone who oversaw illegal phone hacking and published fake pictures depicting War Crimes is an appropriate person to look up to. In fact, I'd suggest you're a bit of a c*nt.

Offline Tesco tearaway

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3593 on: October 18, 2019, 09:26:24 pm »
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.
The Indian Chief proclaimed "So YOU are the great Lone Ranger..!"
"In honour of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."
"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"
"What is your FIRST request..?'
The Lone Ranger responds "I'd like to speak to my Horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening Silver returns with a beautiful Blonde Woman on his back.
As the Chief watches, the Blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal Horse. But I will still kill you in two days."
"What is your SECOND request..?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the Horse's ear.
As before, Silver disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous Brunette, more attractive than the Blonde.
She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents but I will still kill you tomorrow."
"What is your LAST request..?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my Horse, alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him squarely in the eyes and says,

"READ MY LIPS...!"

"FOR... THE... LAST... FUCKING... TIME... "

"BRING POSSE!!"
If your moral compass is Piers Moron then I ask you to think whether someone who oversaw illegal phone hacking and published fake pictures depicting War Crimes is an appropriate person to look up to. In fact, I'd suggest you're a bit of a c*nt.

Online John C

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3594 on: October 18, 2019, 09:41:48 pm »
Man phones up his missus and says "I'm just leaving work; would you like me to pick up Fish and Chips on the way home?"
He was met with a stony silence.
"Look" he says "It's your own fault for letting me name the twins."
Fuckin belter mate  ;D

Online John C

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3595 on: October 18, 2019, 09:43:22 pm »

Offline Tesco tearaway

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3596 on: October 18, 2019, 09:50:37 pm »
;D  I got it mate.
Oh for fucks sake; I just cottoned on  :duh
If your moral compass is Piers Moron then I ask you to think whether someone who oversaw illegal phone hacking and published fake pictures depicting War Crimes is an appropriate person to look up to. In fact, I'd suggest you're a bit of a c*nt.

Online John C

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3597 on: October 18, 2019, 10:01:48 pm »
There's some absolute fucking classics in there Tesco mate that I've never heard, I've giggled like fuck at them tonight. Brilliant  ;D

Offline Tesco tearaway

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3598 on: October 18, 2019, 10:11:34 pm »
There's some absolute fucking classics in there Tesco mate that I've never heard, I've giggled like fuck at them tonight. Brilliant  ;D
:wellin :thumbup
If your moral compass is Piers Moron then I ask you to think whether someone who oversaw illegal phone hacking and published fake pictures depicting War Crimes is an appropriate person to look up to. In fact, I'd suggest you're a bit of a c*nt.

Offline Tesco tearaway

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #3599 on: October 18, 2019, 10:14:02 pm »
Hmm, these puns are quite tricky. For some you have to have...what’s the word...erm...ah, guile.
Oh ffs!  :lmao
If your moral compass is Piers Moron then I ask you to think whether someone who oversaw illegal phone hacking and published fake pictures depicting War Crimes is an appropriate person to look up to. In fact, I'd suggest you're a bit of a c*nt.