Topic: Jokes so bad they're punny

[Son of Spion]

There's the Black Eyed Peas as well so you can add another to that list.

Nah, they were shite even with Fergie.

[M(oaning) B(ecomes) E(mbarrassing)]

Nah, they were shite even with Fergie.

So were the other two, it just adds grist to that joke mill. 

[Gaz123456]

So were the other two, it just adds grist to that joke mill. 

Fair enough!

[Red Beret]

Apologies if already shared.

[24/7]

RB that's too good for in here!

Back on topic......


Yesterday I went down to my local supermarket and noticed that the first letter of the name above the store had fallen off. It said "ainsburys". So when, out of generosity I bought them a replacement, the manager thanked me for my largesse

[Tesco tearaway]

Went out shopping with my wife earlier, and Costa were offering a free coffee to anyone with a moustache in November.
She's a jammy cow !!!

[simpleman]

Another nail biting end to a game.  It's not doing my nerves much good.   I really wish Netflix had the Premier League rights. I could then avoid the stress and binge watch the games to see if we win the title.

[Brian Blessed]

What do you get if you cross Prince Andrew and Bill Clinton?

Killed in your cell.

[Barneylfc∗]

Another nail biting end to a game.  It's not doing my nerves much good.   I really wish Netflix had the Premier League rights. I could then avoid the stress and binge watch the games to see if we win the title.

Shite joke that

[Medellin]

Told my mate earlier that Xmas had come early for me as a Namafor had been wrongly delivered to our house..

Yep..daft fucker asked 'what's a Namafor'?

[Phil M]

Another nail biting end to a game.  It's not doing my nerves much good.   I really wish Netflix had the Premier League rights. I could then avoid the stress and binge watch the games to see if we win the title.

Don't get it.

[I've been a good boy]

I woke up with a face full of rice this morning.

I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pilau.

[Ziltoid]

What do you get if you cross Prince Andrew and Bill Clinton?

Killed in your cell.

 

[24/7]

I woke up with a face full of rice this morning.

I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pilau.

I went to school with a lad whose family name was Rice (true!)

His first name was Barry and his middle name was Matthew.

We just called him 'Rice' (true again!).

[Only Me]

Went to meet my new girlfriends parents for the first time over dinner the other night.

Her mum had gone to a lot of trouble to make a roast dinner, but because of my nerves I didn't have much of an appetite.

"How many potatoes would you like love?" she asked.

"Erm I'll just have one please"

"Oh come on now, there's no need to be polite on our account"

"OK then, I'll just have one, you ugly fat smelly twat"

[Barneylfc∗]

I tried to catch some fog this morning.

Mist

[Slightly Less Mediocre Baron Bennekov]

I tried to catch some fog this morning.

Mist

[Son of Spion]

I went to school with a lad whose family name was Rice (true!)

His first name was Barry and his middle name was Matthew.

We just called him 'Rice' (true again!).

BazMatty. 😁

Very good.

[Elmo!]

I went to school with a lad whose family name was Rice (true!)

His first name was Barry and his middle name was Matthew.

We just called him 'Rice' (true again!).

BazMatty. 😁

Very good.

I'm glad someone Spelt that one out for me....

[Son of Spion]

I'm glad someone Spelt that one out for me....

It's my kind of daft humour, so I got it. 

[Elmo!]

It's my kind of daft humour, so I got it. 

My tastes are more bulgur.

[Davidbowie]

Another nail biting end to a game.  It's not doing my nerves much good.   I really wish Netflix had the Premier League rights. I could then avoid the stress and binge watch the games to see if we win the title.

What?

[Fitzy.]

I went to school with a lad whose family name was Rice (true!)

His first name was Barry and his middle name was Matthew.

We just called him 'Rice' (true again!).

Can staff ban themselves for crimes to humour?

[24/7]

My tastes are more bulgur.

Pulsating - pulse eating?

[paulrazor]

in a min time i get to tell everton fans the time "look boys its 5-2"

[Redwhiteandnotblue]

in a min time i get to tell everton fans the time "look boys its 5-2"

Presumably you'll tell them when it's 5 past (Pickford) too?

[paulrazor]

Presumably you'll tell them when it's 5 past (Pickford) too?

the small hand on the clock will remind me

[24/7]

the small hand on the clock will remind me

BOOM BOOM!

[Tesco tearaway]

the small hand on the clock will remind me

[Tesco tearaway]

Where does Kylie buy her kebabs?
From Jason's doner van.

[Tesco tearaway]

I put my knob in a bowl of Frosties, then a bowl of Cornflakes, then a bowl of Wheatabix this morning.
I'm a cereal rapist.

[Tesco tearaway]

After his exam the doctor asked the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."
Later, after examining the man's elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
She replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in August and the second time is in January."

[McrRed]

After his exam the doctor asked the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."
Later, after examining the man's elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
She replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in August and the second time is in January."

Don't get it. Surely they'd be the other way round. 🤦🏽‍♂️

[Tesco tearaway]

Don't get it. Surely they'd be the other way round. 🤦🏽‍♂️

They live in New Zealand 

[24/7]

They live in New Zealand 

Then all the vowels should be moved around too. D'ya fincy sam fush n chups, brah?

[Tesco tearaway]

Then all the vowels should be moved around too. D'ya fincy sam fush n chups, brah?

ƃıppɐʎ ɯɐʇǝ 

[Tesco tearaway]

If anybody knows of any lonely old people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family, or close friends, can they let me know please?
I need to borrow some chairs.

[Mumm-Ra]

If anybody knows of any lonely old people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family, or close friends, can they let me know please?
I need to borrow some chairs.

Haha - reminds me of an old Jack Dee bit:

"There's this old lady next door to me, lives alone, must be 85. Not once has she checked in on me to see how I'm doing during this cold weather. Lazy cow hasn't taken her mail in in two weeks"

[blert596]

Good deed done today This morning i popped into Asda and I was behind an old lady in the queue.
Her bill came to £56.83 but when she counted out all her change she only had just under £50.

I thought she was probably someone’s Nan and I’d like to think someone would have helped my Nan out when she was alive and i thought...well it's xmas after all.

She didn’t want me to help her but I insisted, and in no time we had all her shopping back on the shelves .

[Tesco tearaway]

Good deed done today This morning i popped into Asda and I was behind an old lady in the queue.
Her bill came to £56.83 but when she counted out all her change she only had just under £50.

I thought she was probably someone’s Nan and I’d like to think someone would have helped my Nan out when she was alive and i thought...well it's xmas after all.

She didn’t want me to help her but I insisted, and in no time we had all her shopping back on the shelves .